Struggling for answers about myself...
Hi,
I'm here to maybe get some insight from other girls as to why I have acted like I have during the course of this "relationship".
To start. I was 18 and started a new job. I made a fast connection with another girl there and we quickly became best friends. We were both going through some family issues and within a couple months of knowing each other, we got an apartment together. My best friend was interested in a guy and spent a lot of time with him and nights at his house. This left me alone A LOT and although it sucked for a while, I hung in there. Eventually we moved into a nicer apartment, closer to our jobs.
After a couple months of living there, my friend approached me and asked if I would be willing to allow her boyfriend (that same guy), live with us. I agreed. We were all friends, in fact, she met him around the same time as we met. Before they were a couple (and after), we would hang out and all got along pretty well. Time flew by and about 2 years later we decided to all move into a bigger, much nicer apartment. For a long time already we had acted like a family (dinner together everynight, games, drinks, tv, general conversation, etc). Moving into that apartment only brought us closer... it was like a small house and we were a family.
Although they were together for some time, my friend and her boyfriend decided to get married pretty quickly. We lived together for about a year after they were married and eventually I was persuaded by my family to move in with my failing grandmother.
Things never changed with my best friend an I though. We still spent a lot of time together at work, on the phone and hanging out. In fact, to this day, after 10 years, we still work together and are in constant contact through the day. Usually 3-4 nights per week I am at her house and on Saturdays we spend all day and night together.
I had always had a decent relationship with my friends husband. Because my friend and I worked slightly different schedules, there were many years where him and I spent many hours a day together alone. Mostly separate, but we would often chat about life, current events, make dinner together, etc.
Two years ago, him and I went out to get Christmas presents for my best friend. We had dinner, joked and laughed...a good night. On the way home it was pretty quiet (total opposite of the ride there). At one point he put his hand on my knee and eventually he held my hand. I didn't stop him and at one point made a joke along the lines of "aww, you want to hold hands". When we pulled into my driveway he told me he had something to say to me. He said he cared for me a lot and having me in his life and apart of his family was something he could never replace. He told me how he missed all the old times when him and I and the 3 of us would be together. When he was finished, he kissed me behind my ear and told me there was so much more he needed to tell me but couldn't. I was so confused.
Soon after he sent me a text that said he loved me, and that he knew that it sounded wrong but needed to talk. Immediately I called my best friend to tell her about the text and of course she asked (and I told her) about everything that led up to that. I knew it would cause problems, but I felt I had done something wrong and had to tell her. I told her everything, but left out the fact that he kissed me behind the ear. (And that I didn't stop him.)
There was definitely an awkward couple weeks to follow that. Nothing really changed in our relationship, we were back to normal within a few days. My friend and her husband mended their issues and although things were awkward, we seemingly went back to normal with the exception that her husband spent a lot less time in our presence when I was around, and no longer did we chit chat or engage in harmless flirting. (Ie, acting like two people who'd lived in such close contact for a handful of years.) We never actually discussed what happened together... until a few nights ago. I was so confused when my friend approached me and said that the 3 of us needed to talk. The general discussion was that her husband had approached her and said that it hurts him that him and I aren't close. My friend said that she wanted to work on the jealousy issues that this sparked within her, and she wanted slowly for me and her husband to become closer. Admittenly, after this, I shut down and would stop arriving at their house early, stopped replying to even the most mundane texts from him ("Hey heard you were comming for dinner, is pizza good?"), etc.
I'm looking for others perspective, particularly why I chose to leave out the kiss. I love my best friend and would never intentionally do something to hurt her or her relationship. I could have kept this between him and I, but I feel like it was the text message that pushed me to the point of telling her. I mean, what if she saw that message and I hadn't told her. I would have lost my best friend and the only person who I can happily (and do) spend all my time with. But I still don't know why I left out that part. I'm also struggling to figure out why I haven't dated in anyone in my life. Anyone who knows me will tell you that my life goal is to be a mom, have kids and live in a big house. I know I'm pretty, and many people have expressed interest in me and asked me out, but I always decline. Why is it that it's been more than 10 years and I haven't taken a single step to fufill my "dreams"?
I'm so confused.
I know this was a long read and I appreciate anyone who took the time to go through it. I would really respect your opinions.
Thanks,
J04
