What would you do in this relationship?
Apologize in advance for the long-drawn out back-story/novel, but you have to understand the context first before you can share an your opinion on this. While it might seem one-sided Im going to provide as much detail from both perspectives here.
Im 25 white, no kids, college educated (a doctoral student currently), have lived at home primarily my entire life, have been in only a handful of relationships since I was 15 years old. The longest one was almost two years in length and ended because I couldnt get along with the parents. I work from home for a tech company.
Shes 37 haitian & Puerto-rican, technically a single mom to three young children, 9, 6, and close to 3. Shes been in an out of relationships for the better part of her early life, married after her first child, was with the guy for close to 10 years. They're getting divorced, she found out he was cheating for a number of years, but stuck with him because of the kids. Long story short I came into the picture in October 2014 and have been with her since, though its been quite a ride. She is facing potential incarceration along with her husband (Hes facing 5 years minimum) and her fate is uncertain probably 6 months or less. Not sure if this matters or not but she strips for a living – because of her current legal situation and the ex-husband isnt providing anything. Anyways, she lives well beyond her means, at one-point had a sugar-daddy paying for extra bills and tried to justify it with me because no sex was involved – and she tells me that she was upfront and could have hid it from me if she wanted to. But tells me shes to open and honest and cares about our relationship. She told me it was because shes on borrowed-time, wanted to spend time with her kids and all of that jazz just in case she faces prison time – having this random clown pay for shit for her.
Her Fears with Me
-She constantly complains about my age
-She fears that Im going to leave her for someone else
-She doesnt trust me (so she says but lets me stay in her house, watch her kids, etc.) because her ex-husband was lying in her ear, saying all this stuff about me with no proof.
-She fears that I lie to her all the time, but when I want to go ahead and prove it to her she disregards what I say or doesnt say anything at all, because Im on the up-and-up and am not lying to her.
-She dislikes the fact that Im all up in her business, meaning I know about the legal issues. Thinks it makes me insecure to look up the information and want to know about it. It affects me to if Im in a long-term and supposedly relationship right? What happened to transparency and honesty? But she preaches honesty and transparency though…
-She still holds onto the fact that I went through her phone before without asking. She then came around and told me I could look with or without her permission and had the right to talk to her about it if I wanted… but now says its wrong, again back-tracking, contradicting. I get how its an invasion of privacy, but I had a reason to suspect something was going on, which I found out.
-She doesnt believe I am experienced enough to deal with a lot of situations (having a baby, being in a relationship, seeing the situation she is in because of my age – when Im more than equipped.)
My Fears with Her
-She is extremely contradictory (Tells me her feelings switch up all the time)
-She doesnt always express her feelings with me.
-Shes comfortable text-messaging me instead of talking with me because she fears my reactions, when Ive done nothing someone in my position wouldnt do. Men are supposed to be dominant, protective, and territorial, its the way we are programmed. I dont want another man touching or being near my woman.
-She tells me she wants a family, but wont let me pay for things or take care of things because she wants to do it all by herself, but then complains when Im not providing or bringing something to the table. Then she tells me not to do anything because of her potential incarceration, and I have to wait until she receives her sentence.
-She tells me she has respect for her ex-husband and cares about his feelings, but not necessarily responsible for those feelings? (A bit contradictory here?) She tells me its because she has kids by him and has a history with him. She tells me she wonders what he thinks. (If I was wronged by someone, cheated on, and had my life ruined, it wouldnt matter if I had kids with that person or not, they wouldnt be around the children at all in my book – Id pull them away from that type of evil/monster.)
Our Relationship
From the time I met her in October until now Ive experienced a roller-coaster of emotions. I wasnt expecting to get into a committed relationship, though its always been a goal of mine to be in a stable relationship with a woman who can commit completely. She wasnt expecting to get into a relationship either. Love for each of us blossomed rather quickly, and we started to get a bit more serious. It took from October until February for us to real become serious and tell eachother what we now wanted out of the relationship. She wanted more out of me than just being a sexual partner and I began telling her the same thing, because its what I wanted. She continuously questioned my behavior with her, because I took back a pair of diamond earrings I gave her, but again its because of the way she acted towards me. Telling me she couldnt be in a relationship with me over and over again, that its not right, her fears get the best of her, etc. etc as they pertain to me. Ive continued to alleviate her fears and then she comes around and tells me she cant live without me, and then sometimes its the exact opposite. Weve gone around and around and got to the point where I pretty much moved in or live with her as much as I can. I became extremely close to all three of her children, which in some ways I think she resents or is jealous of because she tells me she misses US (meaning her and I just being together) without worrying about her kids being involved. She thinks that I can just walk away from this without any detachment or emotional issues, because she thinks Im living a double life; a life at home as a good son, and then when I come back here I play her boyfriend and all of that; thats what she thinks in her mind. But Im here almost full-time, so it still doesnt make sense to me. Its a constant back and forth in her mind as it pertains to me. She will listen to everyone else talk to her about her relationship with me than actually spend time to talk with me about our relationship. When she does decide to talk to me about OUR RELATIONSHIP it always involves things like I miss you, do you feel close to me still, or tells me she doesnt feel close, and then wants sex and all this other shit.
Present Day & Pregnancy –
A few weeks ago she hits me with the fact that she was pregnant. My initial reaction to her was this is going to ruin MY LIFE – because Im young and all of that jazz. She then tells me that she would not abort or terminate the baby and would sacrifice my relationship with her for the child. I had a day or so to think about everything and realized that if it was Gods will to provide me with a child, I would accept and do what I need to. A lot of my peers are parents to multiple children, Im clearly capable of taking care of another life, as Ive taken care of her kids for awhile – not financially because she doesnt let me. I obviously have the know how and the financial stability to take care of a child. She tells me that shes never wanted a child as bad as this one – more than her other three children.
Lets fast forward to the past week up to today, shes been experiencing morning sickness and/or nausea and tells me that everyday shes been thinking about getting rid of it because it doesnt fit with her life right now. Shes a stripper, so she tells me she cant work, and is facing incarceration and the energy isnt right to bring a child into this world. Now mind you, she goes ahead and sits down her small children last week and tells her ex-husband shes pregnant by me. She told the ex-husband last week “she wished they could have more kids and would about a child by any other mother****er.” Her reason for getting rid of it now is because she thinks either way it is going to hurt her kids, by her not being able to work or something like that, when in the past she said she worked as a striper while pregnant. I think there is an underlying issue. She told me though that we could plan a baby so that she can have enough money saved up for nine months and she can stay home when we do have one?
Now Im faced with an abortion, she wants me to pay for half of it. Is this going to affect me spiritually? Am I a bad person because she is asking me to participate in this abortion?
Im looking for you to ask me additional questions about either of us, and Ill provide what I can. Im just curious to see what others think about this relationship. Is it toxic to me? Should I be in it with her?
Im not saying Im going to end the relationship with her, Im just asking for others points-of-view and perspectives on the situation.
Dont tell me shes not providing her perspective, because everything Ive provided is exactly what shes told me. (I seriously want to have a psychologist analyze the pages and pages of text messages we have with one another to see whether or not Im thinking incorrectly here. I know Im of sound body/mind.)
