Is Online Sexual RP Cheating?

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06-10-15, 09:25 AM
Arcadius

Is Online Sexual RP Cheating?

I've been with my GF for 6 months. I care for her very much. But about a month ago she admitted to talking to someone online in a sexual manner. We talked and I decided to work through it. She said it was an RP chat site that she used so I asked her to delete that profile and to not do it again. She agreed. Turns out last night she admitted that she had continued to use the site and to RP sexually with others. She said she didn't consider it as bad as before because she had only done it while in character while the other time she wasn't actually roleplaying.

After our discussion last night she has agreed to end it and to let me see her delete the profile. I am unsure of what to do exactly. She said she doesn't think it was cheating but does understand why I see it that way and understands that most other people probably would see it that way as well.

A bit of background about her and the reason why I understand her position: She and I both suffer from depression and we are both relatively isolated people with few friends, she has had this profile for years and uses her "friends" there as a means to not feel lonely. She says she feels lonely when we are not together and she is at home by herself. I can understand this as I have done a similar thing. Except for me it was online video games and the community there not a sexual thing.

Here are some questions I would like answered.

Is it fair of me to ask her to delete it?
Is it fair that I asked to see her do it?
Would it be fair to ask to see her profile and see the messages and conversations shes had on that website? (I feel this one might be too controlling)
How do I learn to trust her again?
Am I making a mistake by staying with her?
06-10-15, 11:49 AM
solarion

Quote:

Is it fair of me to ask her to delete it?

Yes, it is imo.

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Is it fair that I asked to see her do it?

Nope. Trust her or don't.

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Would it be fair to ask to see her profile and see the messages and conversations shes had on that website? (I feel this one might be too controlling)

Nope. Don't get into her business like that. It'll just lead to more drama.

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How do I learn to trust her again?

You probably don't. She said she wouldn't do it again, then she did it again and made an excuse for why it wasn't as bad this time as last.

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Am I making a mistake by staying with her?

Probably. Definitely try to define why you wish to stay with her. Be honest with yourself. Gf must surely be aware at this point that she's jeopardizing this relationship. Perhaps she feels that her needs aren't being met in some way. Have you asked her why she keeps doing this instead of trying to fulfill her fantasies with her BF?
06-10-15, 03:09 PM
Wakeup

Quote:

Am I making a mistake by staying with her?

I dunno, what do you think: can you accept that she's going to be sexting or whatever it is she's doing in a sexual manner with other men while you're not with her? Could you live with that? She may delete it in front of you but will likely rejoin sometime sooner rather then later and just hide it better. After all, she "gets lonely when you're not with her." (unless you've been spending 5 months of that 6 month's away from her then that's the lamest excuse to cheat I've yet to hear, btw)

You've known her six months and this is what you've found out about her in that short period of time. What do you think you're going to find out as time goes on?
06-10-15, 05:54 PM
SuperHappyTime1

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcadius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been with my GF for 6 months. I care for her very much. But about a month ago she admitted to talking to someone online in a sexual manner. We talked and I decided to work through it. She said it was an RP chat site that she used so I asked her to delete that profile and to not do it again. She agreed. Turns out last night she admitted that she had continued to use the site and to RP sexually with others. She said she didn't consider it as bad as before because she had only done it while in character while the other time she wasn't actually roleplaying.

After our discussion last night she has agreed to end it and to let me see her delete the profile. I am unsure of what to do exactly. She said she doesn't think it was cheating but does understand why I see it that way and understands that most other people probably would see it that way as well.

A bit of background about her and the reason why I understand her position: She and I both suffer from depression and we are both relatively isolated people with few friends, she has had this profile for years and uses her "friends" there as a means to not feel lonely. She says she feels lonely when we are not together and she is at home by herself. I can understand this as I have done a similar thing. Except for me it was online video games and the community there not a sexual thing.

Here are some questions I would like answered.

Is it fair of me to ask her to delete it?
Is it fair that I asked to see her do it?
Would it be fair to ask to see her profile and see the messages and conversations shes had on that website? (I feel this one might be too controlling)
How do I learn to trust her again?
Am I making a mistake by staying with her?

It's fair of you to ask her to delete it if you are "a couple". It isn't fair to ask to watch her delete it the first time. Second time, it's entirely fair, especially since she betrayed your trust and initial forgiveness.

Fair to ask to see her profile and messages? No, but this is because you probably could have signed up for the site and found out what she was doing publicly. Heck, I can see this is your only post, and that Wakeup above has about 13,696 posts more than the average site member ;D.

Trusting her again is going to be hard and you're probably making a mistake staying with her.

If you want to give patching the relationship, you'll have to give it the Old College Try (and I can't blame you if you do), you have to start by spending more time with her and doing things she enjoys. Maybe that means spending a boring four hours watching her zoned out in front of the TV, ormaybe that involves dressing up like Jack Sparrow and trying to steal her booty (pirate puns necessary). The roleplaying might be her form of masturbation, and women have sexual needs too.
07-10-15, 03:48 AM
topazlight

Yes. To me it is a form of cheating.

Your questions:
Is it fair of me to ask her to delete it? Yes.
Is it fair that I asked to see her do it? Yes.
Would it be fair to ask to see her profile and see the messages and conversations shes had on that website? (I feel this one might be too controlling) No, you know or have an idea what all was said, it was sexual, enough said, right?
How do I learn to trust her again? Time, and you might never trust her ever again.
Am I making a mistake by staying with her? I wouldn't stay, but is up to you.
07-10-15, 07:27 AM
fearoflove

No, it is not alright. She shouldn't be doing this. Has she tried other things such as watching porn or occupying with other things (a hobby, etc)?
07-10-15, 08:08 AM
TheEvilJester

I agree with the others. It would be entirely different if this were just innocent role playing. Fun nerdy stuff like D&D or whatever. However, it is specifically SEXUAL role playing. It really doesn't make a difference whether it is in character or not. There is nothing wrong with sexual role playing...... IF she weren't in a relationship or if you were okay with it.

She is and you're not. I don't see how anybody could NOT see how this is cheating. So, just to add another opinion to the mix for your questions....

Is it fair of me to ask her to delete it? Yes. In this case, I would say so. Again, this wasn't just a fun little role playing game. It became sexual. Nothing wrong with that before you were together, but now it would be similar to keeping a dating profile even though you are in a relationship. At least in my opinion.

Is it fair that I asked to see her do it? I would agree the first time that isn't fair. You told her you weren't okay with it, she promised to delete it, I say you trust her at that point. However, she's already broken that trust once. So, yeah, now I would say it is fair to expect proof she was actually honest this time. ....Though, honestly, I'm not so sure I'd personally feel it was necessary. She's already lied to you. I'd personally have a hard time trusting her again and may be feeling reluctant to even give her another chance anyway.

Would it be fair to ask to see her profile and see the messages and conversations shes had on that website? (I feel this one might be too controlling) Eh. I guess I'd say no, considering that would likely include the activities she did before she knew you. Not only that, but I think you'd be better of not knowing the specifics. You already know what she did and know it upsets you. I think actually seeing the specifics would only cause you unnecessary hurt that doesn't really change anything anyway.

How do I learn to trust her again? Honestly not sure you even should bother. She proved untrustworthy once. But, if you do want to give her another chance, then really YOU don't LEARN to trust her again.... it is HER job to prove herself trustworthy. If she does, then you will trust her again in time. The burden is on her to prove that she can be trusted, not on you to get over it.

Am I making a mistake by staying with her? None of us can really say. We may think you are. I certainly do, and others seem to agree. But, that doesn't mean we are right. If you want to stay with her, maybe that is your decision.

Who knows? Maybe it could work out, and maybe you'd then be kicking yourself for even thinking about ending it. We can't say. I just, for one, would have a hard time trusting somebody after they've already betrayed my trust. She's done it once, why believe she won't do it again? If you do decide to give her another chance, though, just don't let your guard down right away. Give her an honest chance, but don't forget what happened the last time. Cautious optimism, as I often say. You allow her the chance to prove she is trustworthy, but you don't just forget everything right away. If in time she actually does seem trustworthy, then sure.... but not until then. Good luck to you.