How to connect with your wife after drifting apart

I am 34, married for nearly 5 years and been with my wife for more than 12. We have two young kids. Since the birth of our second child I feel our relationship has deteriorated significantly, and my wife feels this also. We both feel like we have no connection with each other, and if I am being brutally honest I feel like I may have never had a connection with her. She was my first serious girlfriend although I dated a few girls before her.

There have been periods in the relationship before we were married when I was unhappy and nearly broke up with her but I couldn’t muster up the courage to do it. At those times my wife was still deeply, fawningly in love with me and I felt incredibly guilty I didn’t feel the same way and I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking her heart, or upsetting her family, or my family…so I just kept going…even though I knew I didn’t feel the same way. Eventually we went overseas together and had a really good time and I thought that I could spend my life with this woman. It was after this that we bought a house, got married and had kids.

Anyway, as mentioned over the past 3 years things have nose dived. The stark differences in our personalities and characters have become apparent. About 15 months ago we had a huge row, during which she said some really hurtful things and essentially confirmed she didn’t love me (and vice versa). In the ensuing period we have had a similar fight two more times, culminating in one about a month ago which was different for me. After the others I was able to move on within a short period and fall back into the comfort rut and just assume it will get better as the kids get older. However after this last one I have just not been able to stop thinking about separation. I have also started fantasizing about being with other women.

I almost feel like its inevitable we will separate and I may as well do it now whilst I have a chunk of my 30s left ahead of me. Yet the thought of the impact that will have on the kids is really hard to take. I am also really worried about impacting our respective families.

Im not really sure what to do. I have read a bunch of articles on ‘reconnecting’ with your wife etc however none of it applies as I just don’t think we had a connection there in the first place. Id be keen to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and what they did to resolve it.