Wants to be single

Apologies if this is lengthy;

My girlfriend of 3 years has told me she's doesn't want to be in a relationship now, wants to be alone, and doesn't know how to feel anymore.

We've had so much happen in our time together, it's bound to put a strain on us. Our friend and her sisters partner died after leaving my house from a painkiller overdose. I've been back and forward in court trying to gain access to my daughter, her mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and passed away 6 months later, my own mum was diagnosed just 3 weeks after her own mums. My mum has beat it. My dad had a stroke a few weeks after she lost her mum.

Both of us are damaged, hurt, angry, and take it all out on eachother. My last partner cheated on me when our daughter was just 7 months old, and it's made me so jealous and insecure. I've never been this way before, but find myself being controlling, questioning all she's doing and suffocating her. I accuse her of cheating all the time, even though I know she's not even capable of cheating. This girl is a dream, a Christian girl was rock solid morals, and not your typical 28 year old. She's only ever been with 2 guys, would never just kiss someone in a club, and she's not easy at all. It took me a year of being friendzoned before we started dating, and it was a whirlwind romance. We knew within weeks that we were soulmates, and wanted our whole life's together. On the surface we have the most perfect relationship, and it's the envy of so many people.

My jealousy turns me into an animal. I get so angry I call her every name imaginable, then dump her, tell her I hate her etc. I never mean a word I say, something comes over me and I can't just stop. The next day I apologise and she's gives me another last chance, and the same thing happens. She's flirty with alcohol and I explode. She means no harm by it, it's all innocent, but it does hurt me. We took
Separate holidays this past summer and I exploded and dumped her while she was away because the 3 girls met 3 locals and went back to their place. We fought for a few weeks, they reconciled. Then we went to a birthday party together and she flirted with a taxi operator when she called to book one. I was really drunk and exploded again, the worst one I've ever had. I did feel I was going to explode, so chose to walk away before I turned nasty. She chased me down, and refused to let me calm down. I pushed her, called her every word you can think off, and wished her dead. The next day I've never felt so ashamed of what happened. This changed everything this time, she's said I scared her and she's now got barriers up.

We've been in limbo for a few months, she's been distant and wouldn't get back with me, but we still talk as couple, and we've had a few nights out, and end up all over each other, loved up. The next day she's goes back to having a distance. I told her this is driving me crazy and we need to make a decision. She told me she's lost feelings for me, and the grief from losing her mum is only hitting her now. She done so well to fulfill her dream of working in the film industry, and is now doing it in under a year, I've helped her along the way and been her backbone. I'm so proud of her, but it has came at the expense of burying her grief, and just keeping busy. It's approaching the first year anniversary, and it's hitting her so hard. She says she loves me so deeply, and prays every day that she'll get her feelings back, but for now she wants to be single, but to still have me in her life every day.

I told her I couldn't be friends, it's just so hurtful wanting her so much, but not having her. She's messages saying she misses me, asking if I've been out, and asking if I've met anyone. I've zero interest in anyone but her. This weekend so went to a city with people she met on set. I asked who, she said a guy and a girl, then got mad I was asking too many questions, and felt stressed. I've been panicking all weekend, thinking she'll meet someone. It's doesn't really make sense though, as she gets so much attention from guys non stop (she's Hollywood beautiful), but she's so classy that she wouldn't have a fling, she's just not like that.

I've booked a 2 week solo holiday, last minutes leave in a week. She cried when I told her.

I just don't know what's happening. Is this to do with her grief hitting her, or does she want to keep me around as a plan b? I've given her a lot of space, she usually initiates contact, and I don't get back to her right away. I blocked her on Facebook, but her sister told me she asks her to look and see what I'm up to.

I'm losing my mind not knowing what the future holds, I can't eat, can't sleep and just want her back so much.

Can anyone please give me some guidance, or maybe make sense of what's she's saying?

I'd massively appreciate any advice.

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I should add that she isn't telling people we've split. Her best friend and sister know, but other close friends didn't. She hasn't said she's single on Facebook too. It's all so confusing. I will wait a lifetime for her, but need to protect myself a little.

She's unable to drop you cold turkey, so she's weaning herself away.

In the meantime, what steps are you taking to get your jealousy issues under control? It's apparent that willpower wasn't sufficient in the past, so I'm hoping you seek the help of a psychologist.

Hmmm. Not too sure I agree with that, genuinely think it's suppressed grief hitting her hard and making her confused. She didn't want any rash decisions made.

Well, I've tried every anti-depressant but they didn't agree with me, tried hypnotherapy and found it useless for me. What's really changed since hitting rock bottom is my eyes are opened to just accept her as a flirty girl that does it naturally without any malice. I know I just need to see other guys as a compliment, not a threat.