Chaotic friendship

Yes I have posted about this friend before, please look at my post history if curious.

This is a long one. I have tried to seperate the required reading from the background information. I would prefer if people would read all of it as its important but I also understand people lead busy lives and also don't want to read essays in their spare time.

Background

I have been friends with Sarah for over a year and we were instant friends from the moment we met, we have had our downfalls but what friendship doesn't. But a sticking point in our disagreements is how I feel about her romantically, during our friendship it has been brought up a few times that she felt I liked her. I did, but I denied it each time as I wanted to keep my friend whom also had a boyfriend at the time (he was a good lad).

Come Christmas, she had split up with her boyfriend. After this she went a bit crazy with things she was sharing with me, IE she kept saying who she wanted to sleep with now she was free, she mentioned a friend, I got angry and told her that I liked her to attempt to stop this, she turned me down. I was fine with this but she felt uncomfortable around me after that and did not hang around with me. We became aquaintences.

For the past two months our relationship has been very sketchy, from January I was basically ignored (fair enough) then she got a new boyfriend which after that we started to become friends agian. Fantastic! She wanted to hangout nearly daily, messaged me all the time and me the same. I was happy to get my friend back. A few hitches arose where she thought I was being jealous about her new boyfriend, tried to convince her I was not but she did not listen. But other than that, it was good.

So our friendship was back to normal, or so I thought. It all blew up last night when I recieved a text asking me if I still like her. I deny it because its true, I dont like her. But she didnt believe me. All this time through our rekindled friendship she thought I liked her and was reading into everything I did and said. What tipped her over the edge was that I was bored and asked to come over. Normal friend behaviour I thought, as we previously used to watch and play games together every night.

main reading

So we ended up arguing badly, and here were the arguments that were made:

-- Everyone says that you like me and I think that too. I just feel uncomfortable around you.

Okay, I don't like you. I think you are attractive but I am not attracted to you. I don't care what other people have been saying about me. I understand why you dont belive me but you don't have a boyfriend now there is no point in me lying. I do not like you.

-- Fine, but you have been getting weird and jealous when I do things without you, like going home, watching stuff without you, just doing stuff without you. Other people agree with me.

No thats not true in the slightest. You are reading into everything because you think I like you. I got annoyed with the watching thing because we were supposed to watch it together then you went off and watched it with someone else. imagine if I did that to you. When you go home I live my life, I go out and hang around with friends. I have no idea where you get this from.

-- Everyone agrees with me on this.

What I found out was for the last few weeks she has been talking about me to other people saying that I am jealous and have been doing things that never happend. She has also been sharing this current conversation with everyone, it was over text as she refused to meet up to talk about it. My heart sank when I found this out, I felt a huge breach of trust, I have never felt so backstabbed in my life. She has been saying things that are generally not true to people I know, making me out to be a bad guy, with no chance to defend myself. I got angry, she said "oh they say that this isn't a breach of trust" I get more angry. She is sharing personal conversations with people that until now she would always tell me how much she hated them.

I felt outnumbered, backstabbed with no way to defend myself as it is a situation of these last few weeks where she has been making me out to be some monster, telling them things that were just not true and now they believe everything she says about me and take her side in everything. She told her new boyfriend that when we all went out drinking, when she kissed him appreantly I said something like "ugh thats disgusting" and she has told everyone this and been a strong talking point between her and her boyfriend. The kicker is nothing like that happend, I didn't even hang out with them that night and stayed with my own group.

I was outraged and shared this with her (we are now talking face to face as we both were too angry to text) but she just didn't see it as a breach of trust and turned it around to me being silly. I see these people daily and they know something so personal, it makes my skin crawl.

how it ended (not required reading) We moved on from the topic of breaking trust back to our friendship. She doesn't really believe me that I am not interested in her, which I do understand as previously I did technically lie to her, can't do anything about that. I said that she was just misreading my friendship and that she knows that I see her as a best friend and I treat her as such. I continued to say how close we have been and how much we have shared and helped each other out and that we were close friends. She said "no we are not close friends, we are just friends, nothing best, close or special". And then it all made sense to me, I see her as an extreamly close friend while she sees me a disposable. It now makes sense why she thinks I like her, we were at two completly different levels of friendships. I say this, she agrees. I get hurt a lot that I just lost someone who I thought of as a close friend for such a long time, whom now has just said that I am nothing special. I was amazed at this as the amount of time we spent together, the sharing, the help. Just everything said to me we were close and then I find out I am nothing. Painful.

I say well, I can't see you as a close friend if its not recuperated, she said thats fine but people can have a best friend when the other friend doesn't feel the same. I disagree heavily. I said "we think of each other differently, it makes sense now. I saw a best friend you see just another person to hang around with. I will stop asking to hang out (even tho 80% of the time she was the one that wanted to hang out) and will not message you. I will not talk to you unless you talk to me first." She agreed and I left feeling betrayed and sad that I lost someone I held close to me.

Am I a bad friend?

tl;dr: Did she breach my trust? Or am I wrong in this matter? What do you lot even think about this situation? Am I a bad friend? Is she a bad friend? I am confused. I just want to talk to people about this. I hope people can understand some of the pain of this and not just see it as a rant.