Lovestruck with a girl I can't see
Apologies for this being an essay.
So this girl (she's 19) and I (I'm 21) met through a class we took together. We never really talked then (I thought she was really attractive, but I had a girlfriend at the time (ended late November). Around mid-late December when the semester was over I actually found her on Facebook and we started talking and played the flirt game so hard Cupid might as well take notes... Eventually we met up and made out in the back of my car. Turns out she had a crush on me the entire semester. We both started seeing each other more and more and it turned into a hook-up/semi dating relationship. Now it all sounds well and good. But there's a ton of backstory about her. See, she's only had one boyfriend in the past, which is fine, but from what she's told me, this ex of hers was abusive, emotionally. They dated for 2 years and the whole second year she was miserable. She finally called it quits and left him in early December. So she's been hesitant on getting into another relationship, but really wants one with me. About a month ago her and I decided to make things exclusive, and pretty much call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But soon after when we were going to hang, I didn't hear from her at all the day before, or even the day we were supposed to get together. I texted her and she ignored me completely. Later that night, I saw her Snapchat story of her driving in the backroads in what looked like the middle of no where (she loves to go on random road trips). I was, to say the least, a little upset.
The next couple days I heard nothing from her, but she was, as usual, all over social media: Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. Eventually I gave in and texted her if we were done, and over. She said "no, I don't know", and that she got freaked out by the whole relationship thing and bolted. So I told her if the thought of a relationship is too much we don't need to have it right now. Then she said she thinks she does still want the relationship. She said she should have let me know about that night, she just didn't know what to say. That she really likes me, and that scares her. She said she doesn't want to end up hurt in a year. She also said when she's with me it feels amazing but when she thinks about seeing me, and the before part, it gives her so much anxiety and she has the urge to bolt out and run away. I guess the anxiety is due to me "realizing she isn't a great as I think she is".
So the next few days go by and I try to start up conversations with her but nothing happens (of course the same social media posts and what not). So we finally talked and she said she wants to come see me on Wednesday (this was last Wednesday the 9th). Okay, great I think. I kind of figured she probably won't end up showing up or anything. I was right. So I called her and we talked it over. I figured if I called her I can finally tell her how I feel. So I told her how frustrated I was, not much at her but the entire situation in general. That she's put me in such a difficult spot. How can I like someone and make plans if she's going to be all for it one day then when the time comes, she falls through? So she promised that this past Friday we'd get together. The place I get my oil change is in her town, so I texted her a good morning message. She didn't respond, naturally. Then two hours later I tell her I have my oil change appointment at 1:00 and it shouldn't take longer than an hour, still no response. Meanwhile, I see all over Facebook she's posting all these "self-love" and "good vibes" inspirational quotes all over her wall. My cars finally finished and so I call her, no response. I was half an hour from my house, and so I texted her that she should at least let me know what she wants to do so I don't drive all the way home and she changes her mind. About a half hour or so goes by (so much longer than I should have stayed) and still nothing. I call again, still no response. I finally decided that I'd drive relatively close to her house and I guess I was hoping she'd be outside and she'd be pretty much be forced to say something to me. So I texted her "I'm pretty much near your house. I'll wait here 10 minutes but then I'm going home. The balls in your court now." I was so fed up at this point, I went out of my way to wait around for what was pretty much two hours in total, and she didn't even find the nerve to respond. I noticed as I was leaving that her car actually wasn't in her driveway.
What I did yesterday, with driving to her house, I don't know why I did it. I don't know how to deal with any of this. Part of me feels like she's purposely playing a mind game with me, and on the other hand, I truly want to believe her. I'm not even angry at her that much. I just miss her, a lot. And she knows that, she's said misses me too. How am I suppose to feel if she likes having me around, but can't even show it now? I'm sick of her crap, and I'm especially sick of this beating around the bush, guessing when or if she'll actually say something to me out of her own initiative. I'd hate to move on, because I really like her. I know age can play a huge role in maturity, so I've taken that into consideration. She's said sorry so many times in the past week for her behavior, that she knows what she's doing isn't right and isn't fair for me. And she knows what she should do but something in her mind is blocking her from it.
I don't want to scare her away even more, I don't want her to be afraid of me. I need to find a better way of handling it. Advice on how to get through this and end up on the other side with her there. Maybe I can get some feedback on all of this, regardless. I appreciate it.
