This is my situation. I need help!!
So my (ex) girlfriend and I have been together for 21 months. I was her first real relationship. I am 27 and she is 23.
My girlfriend became very unhappy with her time at the bank and was out to seek a new job. She came to me with this job opportunity at a huge local company that she said at that time that there would be light travel of maybe once a month or so, and I was okay and fully supportive of that. She had gotten a phone interview with them and the day after we went to lunch and she then revealed to me that she'd be gone every single week, Monday through Thursday for a whole year.
Something in me completely turned a complete 180 and I became very, very against this job. Later that night I texted her saying that I was uncomfortable with this job and the amount of traveling and this behind the downward spiral. This turned out to be our first real fight. I argued with her about this for a bit, but one night when we had plans to go to a concert, she wanted to meet for dinner so we could talk. The first thing she asks at dinner was if I wanted her to not take the job. I wanted to say yes, but was afraid to not come across as a controlling dick, I told her it doesn't matter what I want. It's her life and I'd learn to be okay with this.
I felt good about this whole situation the rest of that night, but that slowly went away and we went back to arguing about this. Now granted at this time she told me that she'd applied to multiple jobs and this was the only company that had reached out to her. Though I do know that her brother in law works there and pulled some strings for her to get this opportunity. She had the phone interview and was asked to come do a face to face interview/presentation. The closer and closer we had gotten to this deadline the more and more anxious I was becoming about this job opportunity.
Now about this job opportunity she was given. I felt like this job was going to run our relationship into the ground. Her being gone all week and not being able to have the freedom to see each other when we wanted and have to just make the best of our time together during the weekends. Which is basically what we already did anyway, but for some reason I thought this job was so wrong and so bad for us that I really lost myself in my anxiety of losing her and in my anger that I refused to listen to anyone about how I just needed to let her go and we'd be able to work this out.
Out of desperation I talked to my boss about maybe if we had any openings in our company, but we frown down about couples working together. He did though mention that the company his daughter is working for had some openings and he'd put in a good word for my girlfriend. I tell my girlfriend this and she is excited about the opportunity. She meets up with my bosses daughter and discusses this opportunity in full and we move forward with this opportunity. This alleviates the stress from me because there was another opportunity on our table, one where she wouldn't have to travel and could work from home of she wanted.
She tells me she is excited about this opportunity, but still it's going through the face to face interview with the original job opportunity. She wasn't going to bomb it and not hurt her brother in law's feelings. I tell her that I would never ask that of her and we went on with our lives in the coming weeks normal. I had a couple flare ups with the mention of the first job opportunity while we were together in person, but instead of just talking through this with my girlfriend I get so quiet and don't know what to say and say exactly that when it was brought up. I was so scared of confrontation that I kept my feelings all repressed instead of just letting them out and wishing through them together as adults in a very committed relationship.
My girlfriend does get a phone interview with the second company, but is very nervous about it and doesn't do so well and that comes into play later in my story. Also the closer and closer we get to the first job's face to face interview the more anxious I was becoming and this is where my first problem occurs. The day before the face to face I was a total wreck and I knew that she was going to knock it out of the park and I had this feeling that she was going to do so good that she was going to be offered it right on the spot. That scared the living hell of of me so I basically isolated myself from her that day with very short and to the point answers to texts from her. I get this text right before bed asking me if I was going to wish her good luck in the interview the next day and I told her I was isolating myself from her because I didn't want to fight with her the day before her interview and wanted her mind to be focused on this and also was trying to prepare myself for the upcoming news of an actual job offer. She was upset because everyone else wished her luck except for her own boyfriend. Whom of which should be the main one supporting her and her happiness.
The next day came and if course she killed the interview and I congratulated her and we moved on from that. She was told she'd know something in the next two weeks or so. So in the back of my mind I was holding out hope that the second job opportunity would pull through, but as time was passing we haven't heard anything from them. So during this time I had this anxiousness in the back of my mind and was suppressing it with positive vibes of this second job and we went on like nothing was wrong. That time takes us through Valentine's Day of this year.
The Monday following Valentine's Day she texts me that she was offered the job and instead of me being excited, my heart drops and instead of congratulating her, my text was "so what's next?" She tells me that she has until March 2nd to accept or deny the job. This is when things really get bad between us. I basically snap and lose my focus.
I then basically for the next three weeks try and get her to not take the job. A lot of mean things were said to her. Things like she didn't see how this job effected me and to her response that it's not the jobs fault that things are this way, it's your attitude towards the situation. She kept asking me to just trust her and be supportive and if what we had is real then we'd make it. She even tells me that she would never let a job destroy our relationship because she loves me too much to lose me over a job. Instead of just trusting her words of comfort, I say she's delusional in thinking that things are just going to be okay because you think it. I feel like she's just telling me what she's doing no matter what I say or how I feel about this. I felt trapped and pushed up against a wall so I came out swinging when I knew I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't listen to reason and listen to my head and to my love for this woman. I instead said that she's acting single and trying to make this decision without consulting me and she lost the right to make a decision like this without discussing this and making a mutual decision. I felt that the traveling and what it'll do to my girlfriend would have a very negative effect on our relationship and just couldn't back down from that.
Now in the midst of all this my girlfriend is diagnosed with late onset type 1 diabetes and put down the boxing gloves and was there and supportive through all of that. I bring this up because the company she was offered the job for is a Healthcare company and has a doctor on site and has incentives for being and staying healthy. So with this mindset in mind she felt that this was the right choice for her health. She kept telling me that this job was the best thing for her and her life. I wanted what's best for our relationship and our life together and our future. She kept saying her, her, her and I didn't realize that I had to be real and be supportive of what she wants because she's young and this really is a good opportunity for her, her health and our future because it was a much higher paycheck.
I didn't listen though and instead of putting down the boxing gloves and be supportive I kept trying different things to get her to not take the job like supplementing her income while she looked for another job and all these ideas and things just to keep her from traveling and being away from me. When she tells me that this was her dream job and wanted to work there since college and it would be just a stepping stone in our life together that we'd get through, but I didn't listen to any of it. I just couldn't turn off my brain to let rational thought in. I just kept fighting and fighting and this went on for three weeks.
The day before the last day she could accept the job I begged and pleaded with her not to take it and sent 40+ text messages to her that she woke up to. She said that was very unhealthy behavior and that she had showed her parents this and agreed that it was completely unhealthy. Her mom even emailed me asking to stop putting all of this unnecessary stress on her daughter and just needed to be supportive and enjoy the time we do have together or I'd lose her. Of course I didn't listen and kept fighting.
She did accept the job, which broke my heart and so the fighting turned from her not accepting the job, but now to email them and tell them that she changed her mind. This fighting was the worst of it because now she was ignoring me because she couldn't do the back and forth with me, but I pestered her into fights and dragged this out and beat it with a dead horse. That should have been my sign to back off and really think about things and maybe actually be supportive, but I didn't. I did not know how to turn this off and turn my anger off and just be happy for her.
The night before she had her first day of the new job, which was March 17th of this year. I sent her over 100 text messages begging and pleading with her. This in turn made things worse because now I was making her feel uncomfortable and she was afraid to see me in person to talk. We kept fighting in the subsequent days and on the 19th I was hanging out with some friends and talked a lot about this. Granted at this point I hadn't actually seen my girlfriend since Feb 28th where we went to a baptism and when we get back, she invited me up go the apartment, where of course I had an opportunity to talk about this in person, but I was too chicken **** to do so, so we called it an evening and parted ways. Now if which I am thinking she just took it as another rejection. Anyways after hanging out with some buddies on March 19th I decided to concede and give in and be okay with this job. My mistake was instead of saying that to her over text, I had sent a huge text about our fight and left it at that for the night. Instead of adding my support of the job later in the night. The next day on the 20th it was early afternoon and she hadn't texted me so I text her "still going to ignore me? I'd really like to see you today and talk to you about something. I miss you like crazy and want to find a solution to this and fix this."
My plan was to talk in person and then I'd surprise her with my support and we'd have a starting point to pick up the pieces. Instead she texts me saying "the only solution is that I have a new job and you can't handle it. I've decided that I do not want to see you anymore. If you keep texting me I will block your texts. I'm sorry it has come to this." I respond by saying I'm sorry and that I wanted to see her in person and tell her that I was being supportive of her and the job and wanted to fix this and make this work. Of course I get no response back from her so I then go into desperation mode for a bit and text her about giving be a chance to fix this and all that. That went on for a bit then I stopped and wrote this long, heartfelt apology to her and a separate one I sent to her parents.
This is where things get interesting. The next day I ask her if there is any way to fix our relationship and she said "please give me time. I cannot guarantee anything, but please give me some time to think." I left it at that and didn't text her at all for the rest of the day and night. The next day I ask her if she still loves me and if she thinks we do have a chance at all? I told her I didn't want to play a game and if she wanted to end things completely she should just to spare me the misery of holding onto this and getting hurt later in the future. She then replies back with "it's not a simple question. I do think we should at least take a break and if we are meant to be we will come back to each other. I feel maybe you should get the help you say you are going to get and we should be apart when that happens. We should this time for ourselves. I can't guarantee that we will find each other again, but if we are meant to be then we will find each other. " I take a step back and then agree with the break. I do send a couple texts about how a break isn't always a good solution, etc. I then back off and send a huge text saying that I'll respect her space and this break, but I want rules to the break. So most importantly I ask for a time table and if we are seeing other people or not.
She replies the next day saying we should see other people during this. That she didn't mean to hurt me, but it was for the best. I was very hurt by this a perturbed that she addressed the seeing other people, but not the time table. So I kept pestering her about the time table. She replies later with "idk maybe 3 months?" instead of just stopping there, I text back "you tell me. You're the one who wants this break so you can find somebody else to fall in love with and forget about me." she replies back with "that's not true at all. This wasn't some small thing that just effected me. It effected my whole family. I know you say you support me now, but I just can't forget what happened. What is the best thing I'm interested in that you'll disagree with and we go through this whole ordeal again. I don't mean to hurt you, but what happened was eye opening. I don't want to bring up the past and what happened, but it's not easy just to forget."
That was the last I've heard from her. It's driving be crazy because the way we left it, I can't tell if we are in our break or is she just letting me down easy so she can just move on from me and spare me feelings? I can't help, but to think she is already involved with someone else. I get all these thoughts stuck in my head and all I have been doing is reading articles and forum posts. Trying to make sense of all this and what to do now or what to think. I'm torturing myself by sitting at my computer refreshing Facebook to see if she posts anything or see if she's on her phone or not. I can't seem to just turn off and walk away from the situation for awhile because it's unclear how we left things and I just want answers, but all I get is stone cold ignored when I try and text her.
Thanks!
