Having trouble with insecurity

Hi all,

This is my first time posting to a forum like this, but I'm having a lot of trouble dealing- I've never had a problem like this. I'm hoping someone has some useful thoughts :)

My BF and I are in a happy, fun, open relationship. The only thing that has come up a few times is that he's not very demonstrative about physical attraction- sex life is good, but little things like compliments, showing passion, physical affection in public, stuff like that. Not normally a huge deal, but we've had a few talks about how I would appreciate a little more in that area.

Recently, I mentioned a woman who had been present the first night me and my BF had met. He reacted strongly "oh, yeah, now SHE was a babe." I was kind of surprised (and hurt) at the strength of his reaction, and we teased it out a bit. he admitted that yes, he had been more attracted to her.

This is weird for me, because I understand and am okay with the fact that my partner is OF COURSE going to be attracted to other people. What I'm not okay with is comparison, and I'm upset that he a) made this comparison and b) has doubled down on it, saying things like "I'm sorry I was more attracted to another woman than you, I can't help it." It's hurting my feelings that he doesn't seem to have an interest in reassuring me over this, and I hate the horrible idea that he 'settled' for me that night rather than the woman he would have preferred. I'm not a huge romantic but it puts a colour on the night of our meeting that makes me, well, kind of sad.

I know this is all insecure bullshit, but how do you get over this kind of thing? I KNOW (so don't bother mentioning) that no one is ever going to be the pinnacle of attractiveness, but I'd like to think that my partner wouldn't confirm that logical knowledge, if that makes sense. And I can't seem to make him understand why this hurts me- he keeps saying that he loves me so it shouldn't matter. Which is true... and yet.

Any thoughts on how to get over this stupid immature insecurity? :P

Maybe this is just me, that is entirely possible. I'm not sure, so I hope some of the other members will chime in with their thoughts....

However, to be honest with you, I personally don't think this is a "stupid immature insecurity" for you to get over. First off, your boyfriend is not very affectionate with you physically, emotionally, or verbally. Though I personally don't really think that is okay, that MAYBE you could excuse as no two people are alike and maybe he's just never really been the type to be all that lovey dovey. Even so.... if it bothers you, it still bothers you, and either you two should find a way to reach a balance that keeps you both happy, or it is maybe a sign you aren't right for each other.

However, adding fuel to the fire is the fact that he never has anything terribly nice to say to you.... yet he has no problem saying right to your face how some other girl was "a babe." To be honest with you, and I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt or if maybe I am over-reacting.... but my gut reaction is "What an @$$hole!"

So, to be perfectly honest with you, my knee-jerk reaction is maybe you deserve better. Maybe you shouldn't be worrying about how you can stop yourself from being insecure.... maybe you should be worrying about finding yourself a better class of boyfriend.

Again, I readily admit maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't know. It just certainly doesn't strike me as being okay in the slightest the way he treats you. I can't imagine anybody NOT feeling extremely insecure if they were with somebody who treated them the way your boyfriend treats you.

Well, sweetie we all have to acknowledge and accept that there is going to be women/men out there that are more attractive then we are because there are indeed men and women that are more attractive then we are. ... and, just because he found her to be "a babe" your conclusion that he would rather have been with her then you, is not necessarily so and its fueling your sadness so stop thinking that way. He is with you, not her.

Now, as far as his insensitivity goes... he is an insensitive ass and you're finding out that he's not everything you hoped he would be. He does not show you affection, he is crass in his observations of other women and relaying them to you, he is defensive instead of telling you he's sorry and reassuring you that he's glad he's with you and that he loves you.

You have that information now so it's up to you to decide if you can live with who he is or is it time to leave. Dating is to find out if who you are with is going to be a good partner for the long haul (even a lifetime) so this is where you make your decision.

... Just don't make it until you've explained to him how you feel and use your *I* words and not your *you* words.
e.g. "I" feel sad when I hear that you think another girl is a babe" rather then "You make me feel sad.. blah blah" and then don't say anything else and if he starts to get defensive stop him and just say "look, I'm just telling you how I feel. What you do with that information is up to you but I'm not going to argue with you about it." Then change the subject.

If he doesn't change or at least be sorry then that's who he is. Your call what YOU do with that information.

Good luck.

Thank you both for the responses- it's very helpful. I'm glad to know that I'm not completely irrational for being hurt by this.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, sweetie we all have to acknowledge and accept that there is going to be women/men out there that are more attractive then we are because there are indeed men and women that are more attractive then we are. ... and, just because he found her to be "a babe" your conclusion that he would rather have been with her then you, is not necessarily so and its fueling your sadness so stop thinking that way. He is with you, not her.

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I wanted to reply to this bit in particular because I don't 100% agree. I am completely comfortable in how I look, and I can happily acknowledge that the women he's referring to is also beautiful. Whether or not someone is 'more' attractive is totally subjective and I think we do a disservice to ourselves and others to talk in terms of hierarchy and comparison :) That's my outlook on things anyway.

I also see your point that my conclusion is not necessarily so, but it is at the root of my feeling insecure- like, feeling that if he had had a chance with someone 'better' he would have taken it (especially because all met at the same time.) However, at the heart of it you are completely correct that actions are the important thing and now I just have to look at the actions in the present and take it from there. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!

I can't speak for Wakeup, but I think more the implication intended was sort of "compare and despair." In other words, if you worry too much about whether or not somebody else is "more attractive" than you, then you are ALWAYS going to find people you think are more attractive than you. Or, if you worry too much whether your significant other thinks other women are "more attractive" than you, then you are always going to be paranoid that is exactly the case.... when maybe it isn't.

Though, I will point out one thing viewfromhere said in her first post.... This jabroni actually specifically SAID he found that other woman more attractive. What kind of a-hole does that?

Again, I don't know... maybe I'm overreacting. Honestly, I just think people deserve to be with somebody who makes them FEEL like the most attractive person in the world. I know I'm probably abnormal in this case, but to me there's no such thing as "Girl X is more attractive than Girl Y." When I find particular women attractive, I often find them attractive for different reasons, or in different ways. I find each woman attractive in her own way. There's not better, there's just different.

So, if/when I have a woman in my life (so... you know... never), she IS the most attractive woman in the world to me. Believe me, that doesn't mean I cease to be human. I still find other women attractive.... but as far as I'm concerned, it no longer matters whether I do or not. If/when I have a woman (so, again, never) she's the only one I need.

Maybe that makes me weird, I don't know (with the way humans are these days, I guess maybe it DOES make me out of the norm) but I honestly think that is the way it should be. You don't cease to be a human being when you are in a relationship. It's certainly okay if he finds other women attractive.... he just first off shouldn't feel the need to share that with you....

But more importantly, he shouldn't be making you feel like you are less attractive to him than anybody else. Hell, he didn't even say anything to reassure you. He was too much of an insensitive jerk to even throw in something like "Look, sweetie, she may have been a babe, but I'm not with her, I'm with you. I love you, not her, and I wouldn't change that for anything." Instead, he just blurts out that he found her more attractive.... and he leaves that hanging out there like that.

Even from the little you've shared with us about him, I'm honestly not sure what redeeming qualities make him worth keeping around. If I were you, I think I'd be dumping his @$$ before he could say "hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia." You know... or maybe a shorter, much easier to say word. :)

Again, maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't know. But, to me, the bottom line comes down to one simple thing. Don't you want your significant other to be the one person in the world who makes you feel the best about yourself? Who makes you feel loved and cherished? Not somebody who only makes you feel MORE insecure?

The fact that he found someone more attractive than you is okay, I guess. I mean yeah, that hurts a little and he's an idiot for making it so well known to you.
I know where you are, I've been in similar spots. Sure, we compare ourselves and all that.. that's normal, but it's not what hurts.
What hurts is that he found it so easy to enthusiastically tell you that he found her more attractive than you, WHILE he can't even properly express his attraction to you, or tell you how he finds you attractive with the same enthusiasm. He has made you feel like second best, and no one ever wants to feel like second best to the one they love. That is a very shitty feeling! He clearly doesn't care how he neglects your needs. He doesn't care how you feel at all. Honestly sounds like a dumb boy to me. Find someone who makes you feel the way you want to feel. Everyone deserves that.

I'd just like to say that I'm glad to hear others seem to echo my sentiments on this one very much. Wasn't sure if maybe I was just over-reacting, but this sort of thing just really p*$$e$ me straight off. I mean, I would kill to have a loving, devoted girlfriend. I would make sure she knew for darn sure how beautiful she was to me and she would always be my number one priority. It just infuriates me to no end when there are guys who HAVE that and take it so for granted. :annoyed:

I feel you! Thanks for the additional replies. I know what you mean about comparison- it's a killer. At the same time, this isn't really something I worry about in general. My looks aren't the only thing I have to offer in a relationship, and I'm not normally troubled by these thoughts. If he had said "yes, she was very pretty" I would have agreed and not given it another thought. I do not like to be compared to other people though, because that is a losing game. Don't we have enough of that toxic messaging surrounding us already?

Honestly, at the end of the day this comes down to feeling like his essential message was "if I could do better, I would." I don't think of people in this way. I don't want a partner who does.

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Originally Posted by viewfromhere [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you both for the responses- it's very helpful. I'm glad to know that I'm not completely irrational for being hurt by this.



I wanted to reply to this bit in particular because I don't 100% agree. I am completely comfortable in how I look, and I can happily acknowledge that the women he's referring to is also beautiful. Whether or not someone is 'more' attractive is totally subjective and I think we do a disservice to ourselves and others to talk in terms of hierarchy and comparison :) That's my outlook on things anyway.

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If you actually believe that then why are you getting insecure when he says she's a babe? If you think you are doing "ourselves" a disservice to talk in terms of hierarchy and comparison" then you should be thinking that you are just as much a babe as she is and it shouldn't make you insecure. It does not make me the least bit insecure when my husband thinks someone is attractive and *I* can plainly see that she is much "hotter" then me. I'm a realist and it has served me well. In fact, I don't get insecure at all to the point that I point out babes that I think are hotter then to me if he's not seeing them on his own. If you could get to that stage, you wouldn't be insecure when he says things like he has said. I feel he is insensitive to YOU because its clear you are not secure in yourself or for some reason, secure in his feelings for you. He is insensitive to you but he would not necessarily be insensitive to me. If I felt that what he said was bothering me I would clearly let him know how his insensitivity made me feel and if he kept doing it, I'd know I had to make a decision as to whether I could continue on with him and his BS. :)

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I also see your point that my conclusion is not necessarily so, but it is at the root of my feeling insecure- like, feeling that if he had had a chance with someone 'better' he would have taken it (especially because all met at the same time.) However, at the heart of it you are completely correct that actions are the important thing and now I just have to look at the actions in the present and take it from there. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!

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Don't be afraid to let him know he's being insensitive. He won't stop being insensitive if he doesn't know he being it.

Good luck. You rock. Always remember that and if he isn't showing you that you rock, then communication is warranted in order to resolve.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It does not make me the least bit insecure when my husband thinks someone is attractive and *I* can plainly see that she is much "hotter" then me. I'm a realist and it has served me well. In fact, I don't get insecure at all to the point that I point out babes that I think are hotter then to me if he's not seeing them on his own. If you could get to that stage, you wouldn't be insecure when he says things like he has said. I feel he is insensitive to YOU because its clear you are not secure in yourself or for some reason, secure in his feelings for you. He is insensitive to you but he would not necessarily be insensitive to me.

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Fair enough, Wakeup. By the way, that is awesome and I think you rock for feeling that secure in yourself. Still, you have to admit, that's not the case for a lot of people. I think most people would have been just as upset as viewfromhere in the same situation. Not only that, but even if somebody IS that secure in themselves, that still doesn't mean it is okay for their significant other to be treating them as lesser to somebody else. To me, that still seems needlessly rude. Admitting another woman is attractive isn't THAT big a deal in the grand scheme of things... but to me readily admitting he found some other girl more attractive than his own girlfriend IS. I mean, Hell, he can't help if that is how he feels... but those are the sort of thoughts best kept in your own head.

I readily admit I'm the weird one here in that when I'm with somebody she IS the most attractive girl in the world to me. So, it's not like I expect men not to "check out" other women since that seems to be something 99.9999% of guys can't help. It's just, any good person wouldn't be actively making their SO feel less to them in any way.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you actually believe that then why are you getting insecure when he says she's a babe? If you think you are doing "ourselves" a disservice to talk in terms of hierarchy and comparison" then you should be thinking that you are just as much a babe as she is and it shouldn't make you insecure. It does not make me the least bit insecure when my husband thinks someone is attractive and *I* can plainly see that she is much "hotter" then me. I'm a realist and it has served me well. In fact, I don't get insecure at all to the point that I point out babes that I think are hotter then to me if he's not seeing them on his own. If you could get to that stage, you wouldn't be insecure when he says things like he has said. I feel he is insensitive to YOU because its clear you are not secure in yourself or for some reason, secure in his feelings for you. He is insensitive to you but he would not necessarily be insensitive to me. If I felt that what he said was bothering me I would clearly let him know how his insensitivity made me feel and if he kept doing it, I'd know I had to make a decision as to whether I could continue on with him and his BS. :)

Don't be afraid to let him know he's being insensitive. He won't stop being insensitive if he doesn't know he being it.

Good luck. You rock. Always remember that and if he isn't showing you that you rock, then communication is warranted in order to resolve.

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Totally! I think you might be misunderstanding me, though. I find other women quite lovely and have no problem at all pointing out their beauty. I tell my friends constantly :) However, this wasn't a matter of him him finding another woman attractive- it was the combination of his apparent enthusiasm, which he doesn't often muster for me, and his statement that he found her more attractive than I. Like I said, if he had said "she was a babe" I would have agreed as I normally do and never given it another thought. It had never occurred to me to compare myself to this woman until he did.

Anyhow, thank you all again for your considerate replies! I'm gonna bow out of this thread now because the topic is frankly exhausting, haha.

Maybe this will help. It really helped me. You will not be disappointed!
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