Would make a good book!

Hey guys,

I'll try and keep a very long and complicated story, short and simple.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years (married for 7). My wife is quite a bit older than me. She has 4 adult children to her first husband. They separated after 20 years due to his affairs. We have two young children through adoption. I have no other children.

We worked at the same company and got together after a function one night. Early on I struggled with aspects of our relationship. She just didn't seem that into me but I quickly fell in love with her and so I disregarded a lot of the signals that are now so obvious. Sex was good initially but then quickly became something she obviously wasn't interested in. Despite her attitude towards me the relationship continued to develop and she involved me in her adult children's lives as a step-father. I took on many of those responsibilities (mostly financial and some significant) but still there was something missing in our relationship. We were unequal financially and I was in a position to be able to provide a very comfortable lifestyle and support for her entire family. The year after we got together had some significant moments - we went on a lengthy European holiday (7 weeks), we bought a large, impressive house and undertook work to the home to allow her elderly Mother to live independently with us. Still something was missing. Key events were simply not triggering reactions from her I would expect a partner would give. Mostly on the European holiday it seemed that sex with me was the worst thing possible and even buying the house for her and her family didn't trigger any outpouring of emotion or a change in her attitude towards me. Again, I saw all of this but I was hopelessly in love with her so continued to do all I could.

Her eldest daughter is a very powerful manipulator and also has a very strange relationship with my wife. It is much more like a husband & wife relationship than a mother & daughter relationship. Her daughter being the husband. Her children's demands financially were always met by me and they were provided with a very comfortable and exciting lifestyle which included multiple overseas holidays (they had not travelled internationally prior to my involvement) and gifts etc. All done out of love for my wife and the hope that my wife's attitude towards me would change. I kept telling myself it had to change - 'look how much I am doing'.

Her eldest daughter's relationship with her continued to grow and reached the point where when she was present I was largely invisible and had very obviously no authority and no respect. She dictated many things to my wife and made a lot of the decisions for her. My wife would discuss major decisions with her rather than me, even when those decisions impacted on me directly (e.g. financial decisions). At this point I was confronting the issues but they were always explained in various ways and to largely keep the peace I let them go.

Fast forward to now.

We adopted two young children who I love immensely. We now live in another country a considerable distance from where we lived previously. My wife still returns to see her adult children regularly and the games with the eldest daughter continue. During the latest trip, her daughter attempted to set her up with her ex-husband - a dinner, empty apartment etc. My wife assures me she didn't go through with it, which I tend to believe. Her daughter is angry that we moved and that she feels she has lost some of the control she had over my wife.

Three days ago whilst discussing the last trip back, we began talking about the early stages of our relationship and what I saw as some of the big problems. I raised concerns people had shared with me at the time about her fidelity. She confirmed my fears and provided a lot of details about an affair she had during the 18 months of our relationship. A lot of these get togethers with the other guy happened whilst I was looking after her children at home. Many details she couldn't provide - conveniently those that would cause further problems but can remember clearly those that she thinks lessen the hurt. She recognised that early in our relationship the financial security I could provide was the most attractive aspect of me to her and that was why she continued to encourage me to be involved with her and fall more deeply in love with her. She says that over time this has changed and that she now loves me and looks back on those early years with regret and shame.

An affair 8 years ago isn't the end of the world, I know that. But the things that happened around that time are what hurts the most. Some of the biggest events in most peoples lives were happening for me (buying a house, becoming a step-father, 'romantic' European holidays) whilst she was thinking about someone else and meeting up with them.

I wouldn't leave my wife but I need to know how I can now trust her. Not so much from an affair point of view (I'm pretty sure that isn't happening as we are now living in a small town, neither of us work so it would be almost impossible for her to achieve except on her holidays back to visit her adult children), but from the perspective of whether she does truly love me now.

Any thoughts?