I cheated. I don't know if I want to stay.

Hi everyone. First time forum poster here. I am sure I am going to get a lot of negative comments about this. I am prepared for that. Feel free to be blunt.

I will try to make this as short as possible. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years. We lived together for two of those, but broke up last year for a number of reasons. Mostly because I was unhappy--his drinking problem got pretty dangerous, I felt he was never there for me, and we fought a lot about this without making any progress. It seemed our relationship was just dead. I have a ton of shared history with this person. We have been through a lot together. In fact, he was in a relationship when he met me... *I* was the other woman. for 10 months. before he made up his mind to be with me.

After we broke up, I was devastated because I still loved and missed him, but I was so angry at him---so much resentment. I started seeing another guy. This guy is a bit older, 12 years to be exact. This guy was everything I felt my boyfriend was not. He was energetic, successful, a protector and provider, and we just had a wonderful chemistry together full of laughter. I had never laughed so hard in my life!

Then one day after on and off talks with my boyfriend, this new guy and I had a major issue. I kind of had a break down because of his situation. He has two young children and a still-not-ex wife (but they ARE going through the process). I have never been married and have no children. It ended up being an issue for me and something I didn't think I could handle. I decided, pretty sporadically, to break things off with him and go running back to my ex whom I missed and still loved.

So the boyfriend and I decided we both missed each other and should try to make things work--he's changed, yada yada yada. We began our long distance communication... but here's the problem... I never stopped seeing guy 2. Guy 2 still took care of me. He still took me out. He still made me laugh. We still had the most wonderful time together. I hid the fact that I was talking to him and seeing him from my boyfriend for that entire summer... I guess in my head I thought--"well, as soon as I move out there to be with guy 1, guy 2 will be gone, so what's the point in not enjoying this while it lasts."

...but guy 2 came with me--emotionally. I moved across the country to be with my boyfriend. When he was at work, I talked to guy 2 and got my emotional needs met. When I went home for xmas to see family, I met up with guy 2, and yes, had sex. I feel like I have been out of control intoxicated with this guy. But I still love and care for my boyfriend so much. Our relationship since I have been out here has been pretty dry--we both have a lot of bottled resentment that we are unable to move past. I finally decided that this relationship just wasn't going to work and told him I was leaving. I had planned to go be with guy 2. I packed everything I own while my boyfriend was out of town and the intention was that I would be gone when he got back.

Then guilt settled in. I drank a bottle of wine by myself over the weekend while he was gone, sobbing on the floor feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet. How could I? How could I cheat on someone who loves me this whole time? How was a capable of carrying out a two year relationship? I couldn't leave. I had to stay and confess.

I told him everything. More or less. I expected him to yell at me and tell me to leave, but part of me wanted him to understand how this all went wrong. He did yell, but not for long. Amazingly, he wants to make this work. He wants to forgive me eventually and work on our relationship. He has been incredibly affectionate since I told him 1 week ago. So loving. It makes me a little uneasy. Now I sit here staring at my boxes, having blocked guy 2, feeling like I am in my own personal purgatory. I should stay now that I have confessed to my boyfriend and he is being so loving and supportive. It is the right thing to do. But not having any contact with guy 2 is killing me and I don't know if I will get over him. I have caused him a lot of pain as well. He was all ready for me to come back to him--he had helped financially too. He was devastated to hear my change of plans last second.

I do not know what to do. I feel completely torn. I love my boyfriend, but I don't know if I can get over the resentment, and now he has resentment for me. We have not been intimate in months and I have no desire. If I stay we have a lot to work on. I have a deep "care for" and "responsible" love for him. I feel like I owe him to stay. But my heart wants the other guy. I don't know what to do. These boxes have to go somewhere. Please help.

What else is there to really salvage from this relationship if you stay? It sounds to me like you have a huge fear of being alone, but I think being alone is what you need right now. You will never be able to take this relationship to a successful place until you take some time for yourself. I recommend ending the relationship and taking time for some soul searching. I have no idea how much time you will need to be able to do that, it depends on how much damage you need to repair, but you cannot expect to fix a relationship with someone until you fix yourself. Your boyfriend still needs to fix himself as well, so I do not see this relationship ending well if you stay and continue to brush everything under the rug. It's good you told him, seeing as how his reaction was as positive as it could be, but why did you tell him? To ease your own guilt? Maybe you told him because deep down you felt like you don't deserve the relationship and you figured he would end it with you, instead of you having to be the one to break up with him again.

Look, break ups are hard, I get that. But you won't be able to move past any of this unless you allow yourself to. Tell yourself that you deserve better than misery, every single day, multiple times a day, until you actually believe it. Clearly your relationship was not in a good place, or you wouldn't have sought out solace from another person. I understand that breaking up is hard to do, and the reason you went back to him isn't because you thought things would become great again, it's because you were afraid to be on your own, and you decided to talk yourself back into the relationship because it's more comfortable to be miserable with another person than it is to be miserable alone. That's also the reason why you jumped into something with guy two; but is that really the right reason to be with someone? Just to ease the discomfort of having to go through life by yourself? Look at where these decisions have brought you, you don't sound happy, even though you deserve to be. You say you don't know what to do, but I think that's bullsh*t. I think you do know what you need to do, but you're scared to do it. Being scared is OK. It's natural, it's normal, it means you're human. But don't let fear control your life. You deserve to be happy, and if you continue to try to repair a relationship that is irreparable, you're going to end up exactly where you are now, having to make the same decision again, and you'll have to work through all of the pain and anguish again... wouldn't you rather do the hard part now, and start the process of healing now, before you waste another couple weeks, months, or years of your life?

I'm not saying that I know everything and that my advice is the only advice that's right... but what I am saying is you don't sound happy, and you are the only person who is in control of changing that. Only you can decide what is best for you, nobody else can do that. Until you decide you deserve better, you will stay stuck in this cycle of misery. I really, truly hope you can get to a place where you can be happy, with yourself and with another person.