Internal Struggle

When I was a sophomore, I met this girl that I was obsessed with. I was aware of the typical hormone surge in my age group. So I gave my feeling time to cool down like I always do so that I could know how authentic this "love" is. I was wrong about this feeling being temporary. It lasted two years till now, even though the original obsession subsided.

To take another step to find out whether this is some sort of enduring infatuation, I delibrately looked at her more to discover more of her flaws. From what I found, she has a rather thick voice and not-really curvy body. She is quiet and a little bit casual in how she dresses. however, I don't mind how she looks, and simply seeing her has become one of the things that makes my life meaningful. I think I am in love, something that rarely happens in my life. Prove me wrong, if you know what's really going on. I need the truth .

However, things don't always happen as I wish. Her short-living interest in me faded away before I made up my mind. Her friends became a disruptive force in our relationship. I was desperate, but I kept my distance to not do anything stupid. Also, I was aware of my limitations in socialization and physique. So I worked out regularly to improve how I look and hoped to get a good job to support her, if we do come together in the future. But again , things didn't turn well for us.

I was too aloof, too cold and rigid in socialization, especially the part of talking with someone I really like. We began to walk further away from each other. She started to be distant to me. My retribution has come . Surprisingly, things changed when I did try to approach her online. She was more accepting. Even though her replies were often late and I was always the one that started the conversation, I saw changes. She started to be nice to me in real life, but her friends are still disruptive. I had hope, but that was soon shattered. I did some online research and found out that it might all be an illusion. Then in addition to the resentment for my failure and unfair anger toward her, I returned to my aloofness. We continued to grow further apart.
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I am not sure what to do now. My heart is still on her, but reality just made the possibility so small. I am in an internal struggle.

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This is my first post in the forum. So please excuse me if there are any errors. Also take note that she is white and I am Asian. I am aware that racial difference might play a role here.

I want to hear from you guys about what I should do and how to prepare for the future.

I say give up and move on.

You will know when you have found the right person. the right person will be with someone where the interaction flows effortlessly, there is no insecurity or anxiety or fear. She will accept you and so will the people in her life. She will be so easy to be around with, and her friends will accept you as their friend. That's what you need to look for. This girl is none of that, all she is is a infatuation with no substance to maintain a healthy happy relationship. There is too much resistance.

Don't worry, once you figure it out that you need more than just simple attraction, she will have no meaning to you, and those feelings will not be bothering you anymore.

Thank you.

I should have said this already. I already knew she was out of reach, but I was stubborn and needed someone to point it out for me.

Again I really appreciate your input . I will move on with my life.