Live-in BF just broke up, but CRIED and said he LOVES me!

I am glad I could find somewhere safe to open up and speak of my story. I am an expat and do not have any friends where I live. Also I would like to get an opinion on my story of how to get back together with my ex.

My boyfriend whom we lived together for 8 months just broke up with me last week, and I miss him terribly. I am 27 years old, and he is 41 (I know there is an age gap but we get along perfectly and I prefer mature me than men my age). We met eight months ago and I was a total mess back then. We started being friends and he admitted that he was married and that he had two daughters. He said he was separated from his wife for three months now, and they both live in different cities. He told me all about his failed marriage and what a disaster it was. He explained how crazy she was and how she used to drive him insane all the time, screaming and shouting for no apparent reason, cursing him, always belittling and insulting him because he lives in her house (her job gives her free accommodation), driving their daughter away from him, and ultimately kicking him out of the house. At the beginning, I found all that hard to believe, since I know all divorced or separated couple speak bad of each other, but it proved true, and worse as I've witnessed myself.

One thing lead to another and he confessed that he liked me. We dated for a few days, and around that time I had a huge fight with my best friend/room-mate at the time and she kicked me out of her house. I had to leave the country anyways and re-enter to renew my visa and I had just started a new job, but I had no idea where I’d stay when I came back, and that’s when he offered me his place. I travelled and we stayed in touch, and after I came back things really developed and we fell head over heels. We were both going through some really bad stuff at the time, family, financial, debts, work problems, and I believe that’s what made our bond grow even deeper. We were there for each other and fully supported one another. We had so many things in common, loved each other’s company so much that even when we were apart those 9 hours at work, we deeply missed each other. We were basically each other’s best friend, room-mate, and lover all in one. When he told me he loved me that was one of the best moments of my life.

On the other hand, nothing is perfect. His previous marriage was poisoning our lives bit by bit. His ex was giving him so much problems that it was affecting him badly, and taking a toll on our relationship. She would still curse at him for no reason, asking him to pick up the girls so he can see them for a few hours (we lived two hours away from her at the time) and stand him up, and finally she filed for divorce, and asked for child support. That was devastating to him, as he was already paying for everything for his daughters, and didn’t wanna be dragged into court, and wanted to settle things peacefully. She would go to his place of work when he wasn’t there and tell his boss and say that he doesn’t support his children. One day he took his daughters to a hotel nearby and she showed up there unannounced and hit him (yes, hit him!) bearing in mind she didn’t even know about us.
A few days after that incident, while he was dropping his kids at her place, she told him that she still loved him and that she was gonna drop the charges! When he got home and told me that we both laughed and I told him there’s no way you would even consider that. He later went on to shock me and say that he doesn’t know what to do, and that even though he doesn’t love her, and never loved her for that matter (they had an arranged for marriage and knew each other for a month before getting married) but he would do anything for his daughters to see them happy. He said he would never pick me or anyone over his daughters, and he would rather be miserable than see them suffer. I was shocked, he went from “I hate her and cannot wait to divorce her” to “I might consider it.” I tried explaining that it was way better for his daughters to have divorced parents than those who hate each other and repeatedly insult each other, but he said that was a decision he needed to make without any influence from my side.
We didn’t talk for two days, he explained to me that since our lease was coming to an end in a week, it’s better if we both lived separately. He said there were many reasons for his decision, first that he was having big financial trouble (that was true) and couldn’t afford to rent a new place so he would just crash with a friend and he said he would help me and pay for a room for me which I refused of course. At that time, I wasn’t paying for rent, but I was paying for many other things, bills, groceries, and I l gave him some money and didn’t ask for it back.

Second, he said that he has been feeling guilty because he is a bit religious and it’s against our religion to have pre-marital sex or live together. He said he has been thinking about this since we moved in together but he loved me too much and got attached so he just suppressed it. Third, that I was over-whelming him lately always interfering with his relationship with his ex and that he needed to deal with that on his own. Needless to say, I was devastated. I cried for the first time in front of him and just couldn’t hold back. He hugged me and said it was for the best and that didn’t mean the end for our relationship, we would just be living apart but we will see each other all the time.

I finally accepted it, but days went by and he came to me and said that one of his friends have agreed to rent him his apartment for a cheap price so we can both move there. So we moved there and split the rent since I just started a new job (that was our third place to live in 8 months). We continued living together like this argument never happened, but I could tell something was missing, he was less attentive, and less romantic and I felt like I needed to make an effort to get his attention. I figured this was normal, our honeymoon period has ended. But it was more than that.
So two weeks ago, his friend called him and told him that we needed to move out in 10 days as he is selling the apartment, so again we needed to move. So we began searching together for a new place to move. Few days later as we were sitting together having coffee after work just chatting, he again brought up us living separately after our lease ended. He said it was for my own good, because we lived far from my place of work, and he didn’t feel like he’s taking care of me dragging me around from apartment to another. I told him that didn’t bother me at all. He again said all the former reasons, about religion, money, and the fact that he is feeling like he is wasting my time because he is unable to make a deeper commitment to me by promising when we could get married. I again told him that I am not looking to get married at the moment and that I loved him and that was enough. He said that he felt I deserved better and that it was time for me to find someone better without all his baggage. I was deeply hurt by what he said, I cried, and he cried four times that day for the first time in front of me, and he is not the emotional or sensitive type at all. I thought he was breaking up with me but he said he wasn’t. He said he loved me too much, and that he isn’t showing me one quarter of his love because something is holding him back, he said he didn’t even know how much he loved him till this moment. He hugged me tight and we slept after hours of arguing. Next morning he needed to go on a business trip for two days, and we didn’t talk for those two days. When he came back home, I was gone.

I packed just a couple of outfits for work and stayed in a hotel for two days and didn’t answer his calls or texts. He came to pick me up the second day from work, but again I ignored him. He sent me a text that day asking me to come home, and that he has packed his things and will stay with a friend, so the house is empty and I can go back. I answered that I didn’t want him to leave, and that I was coming the next day, and that I wanted to talk to him and that I missed him.
I gathered all rationality and tried to be as calm as possible at the beginning. I told him that our love meant so much to me, and that it isn’t tied to us staying together, and if living separately is what it takes, I’ll do it. I told him that there were only two things that mattered. The first if that he loved me, he without hesitation said yes, and the second was if he wanted to continue in this relationship with me. And that’s when he said some of the worst words I had ever heard. He said: I cannot continue in this relationship with you. “I want to” but “I cannot”. He said that he loved me way too much but again listed same reasons “religion, money..” and told me that he feels like this is not fair to his daughters. He said that he is extremely happy with me but has accepted the fact that he will never be happy. He said that he feels sorry for his daughters and it breaks his heart each time he goes to see them. I asked if I was keeping him away from them, he said no, but he is unable to “love them”. I don’t even know what that means. He again said that he is afraid that he might be wasting my time, and that he wouldn’t forgive himself if in a few years, he’s unable to marry me. I didn’t again say I wasn’t thinking about marriage and that we should live in the moment, I was more decisive and told him that if he thinks that we won’t ever get married, then it’s better that we are breaking up.

In a moment of anger he said that he didn’t wanna get married again, then He said he doesn’t even know if he would ever get married again, and if he does of course it would be to me. But he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t wanna string me along. I told him I loved him and I would wait for him if he wants me to and if he loved me. But he said he loved me way too much and is doing this for me. I told him that he wasn’t scarifying anything for me because I am the one telling him if we wont get married, then we cant be together, and that he is breaking up with me because he doesn’t wanna get married to me. I broke down, and I started crying, and he cried a river too. I told him that he didn’t love me as much as I love him, he said that I was hurting him by what I was saying, I said that if he really loved me he would fight for me, he said it doesn’t always work that way.
For a few moments, he was the one crying and I was trying to calm his down. He kept saying how much he loved me and wanted me in his life, and didn’t wanna lose me. I said we couldn’t be friends and that it would be too hard for me. He said we didn’t have to be friends. I told him if you don’t want a friendship or a relationship, then what do you want? He said I could call it whatever I wanted to call it but that he couldn’t imagine a life without me.

That was last Thursday, we slept for a couple of hours that night from exhaustion and the continuous crying. Next morning, we tried to lay off the crying and just enjoy each other’s company that last day. I still couldn’t help it and broke down, that evening he took me out to the movies because he said he wanted me to clear my mind and have some fun. We went out and did have fun, and when we went back home later that night, we just went to sleep for the last time together. He cried and I didn’t. He tried to make a move, but I refused, we just made out so passionately and so intimately that although we didn’t have sex it was our best night together. Next morning, he had to leave early to go to an important meeting. That was our goodbye, it was BRUTAL, we cried, reminisced, and he begged me not cut contact with him and to even tell me where I was gonna stay but I refused. He kissed me and told me he loved me, but that he would respect my decision if I didn’t wanna speak to him. I asked him not to forget about me, and asked him if he thought it was possible that we could meet some day by chance in a year or two, and get back together. He said of course it was possible. We hugged so tightly and he left.

Needless to say I was devastated, but I had to pack and leave before he came. I did pack but over-slept because I was exhausted and then he surprisingly came back at mid-night. I had mixed feelings, I was happy to see him but upset because I didn’t wanna go through all that agonizing heart-ache again saying goodbye one more time. He told him me he had a feeling that I wasn’t gone yet and wanted to see me. I tried not to speak to him much that night and I went to sleep on the couch. Next morning he had to leave for work before me and I broke down again, he asked me to be strong and that it tears him apart when I cry. He said that he wanted to see me yesterday that’s why he came but he was afraid it would be hard to say goodbye again so he asked me not to cry. Then he cried himself. He told me that yesterday morning when we said goodbye was like, and I quote “someone ripped his chest open, and tear it slowly apart with their hand
After he left, I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and that if he ever reconsider that I would take him in a heartbeat. I reminded him of all our good times and how perfect we were for each other. I also left him a flash drive with all pictures we had together Then I left.

That was last Sunday. It still hurts so bad. We haven’t talked since, as I asked him not to contact me in order to get over him. We haven’t blocked each other from anything, but he deleted my number (since I could not see his profile picture and status on WhatsApp). I know we are meant for each other, we get along so well, we never fight, and we love each other so much.

Sometimes I feel that he left me in order to get back with his ex for his daughters. I don’t know what to think, but I feel like he still loves me. I want him back, he is the love of my life. I never felt so much harmony and complete with someone. I hope he is missing me now and hasn’t forgotten about me. I want him back and I miss him so much. We both don’t have anyone else here as we are both expats, we were each other’s world. Thing is, and I am not saying my break-up is unique or anything, but we didn’t break-up because we were incompatible, fought, or grew bored of each other, cheated or stopped loving one another. We broke up while we were still in love, and he admitted that he can’t even remember a time where I upset him, hurt him, or where I was anything but the perfect girlfriend. And that he was extremely happy with me.

I miss him, and I want him back. I feel like if he saw me moving on like all relationship experts say, he wouldn’t be angry or want me back, I think it would relieve him since he told me that he loved me too much and wanted me to be happy. Do you think I have a chance of getting back with him? And if so, how? I am dying inside!