The only girl I ever loved NEED OPINION :)

Hello everyone! I want to know your opinion on my story, I will probably still do everyhting the way I feel but your opinion might play a role or help me understand the situation better, so please write what you think!!

So here goes my story.. All my life I never felt anything strong towards anyone, I did have feelings of affection and attachment to some girls before but when things would not work out I would literally forget about it during maybe a couple of weeks max. It's always been like that, until once I met this girl, lets call her M. I am not gonna go into a lot of detail on how we met and got to know each other better because then this will be very very long :). What matters is that I really, really liked her.

At the time all of this was happening I was in the end of grade 10 and being the little, scared boy that I was, I could not tell her that I liked her. To be honest I was almost certain that it wasn't mutual so I decided to ask my friend to ask her instead. She said that she did not consider me anything more than a friend, I got a bit disappointed and we all left for summer vacation. For the three months of the summer vacation I did not really think about her and I thought that I was over it.

However, when school started and I saw her again I realised that I was not over her one bit and if anything my feelings got even stronger. (Forbidden fruit is sweet) I decided to approach her again, we talked for around three months or so, got to know each other better, I invited her to go out a couple of times and she was really reluctant until once she finally agreed. We spent a somewhat nice evening together and at the end we went to a bar where we got drunk. In the very end of the night, being the stupid idiot that I am, I told her that I liked her and took her home. (Now, looking back at it, I realise that really she could tell that I was not self confident and kind of awkward, not like super awkward but pretty awkward :upset:) After that night we talked more, until one day she told me that she is really sorry but she does not like me like that and she does not want to continue any of this.

At the time I took it to heart and I guess I was too proud or something so it made me feel almost enraged, something along "how could she?" or "I am a good guy, I deserve better". (Unfortunately at the time I was like this and did not see anything else.) All my good feelings for her have turned into hate in around 2-3 days. I became really depressed. We did not really talk anymore and tried to avoid each other, we did talk one time after that however on christmas, she even texted me first but at that time it only felt like she was mocking me as she knew that I liked her. (i'm so stupid)

My head was full of confusion as my feelings were contradicting my beliefs. I still felt love towards her and I really wanted to be with her but the other part of me was telling me that it was embarrassing to bend down in front of a girl like that. On top of all it was the first time I was rejected. (Looking at it back now I guess I was just full of myself but at the time I did not realise it.) Anyway, over the winter I was able to swallow around 60 percent of my pride and found the courage to invite her to spend the valentines day with me. To my surprise she said yes, I bought her flowers and chocolates and we went out, this time I behaved way better actually, nothing awkward :D :D :D I thought that I got this now and texted her for a couple of times again but the way she replied was just very cold and it made me feel unwanted. That was the moment when the remaining 40 percent of pride kicked in and I gave up on this again. (big mistake :mad: ) We would occasionally greet each other but that would be about it.
Time passed and I swallowed the final 40 percent of my pride and as I realised that I REALLY, REALLY LIKE HER. I did not know what to do, and since I am really old fashioned and impulsive I thought that I should just really tell her all that I feel in the face. :love: I did, I told her that I loved her and that at some points she made me really mad but then I realised that I still like her and all that good stuff. I asked her to just give me another chance and try again, but she said that she does not feel comfortable around me and that she would not change her mind. (NOW, I understand why :) :) ) I went home and accepted the fact that I am just a loser and that it is just not meant to happen. Ever since we never spoke again.

Since then I hated her, I would rethink every situation and try to justify myself that I was right and she was a b*tch. In my head she would just be the most cold hearted person on earth who just wanted me to suffer. I have been really depressed and felt strong apathy towards everything that I have loved before, started to do drugs. (not heavy :) ) My mentality from that moment was "f*ck everyone". Until the moment I finally felt a bit of affection towards this one girl last summer, let her name be K. K was really nice and sweet and she seemed to be the complete opposite of M, she would reply all the time, agree to go wherever, I loved spending time with her. I was convinced she liked me and her best friend told me the same, I was really happy I was finally getting a girlfriend. We were really close for about 2-3 months, I came to visit her in south of France. BUT!!! Very long story made very short. :) It turned out that this whole time K was just leading me on and playing with me for no reason, and she had a boyfriend the whole time!! :O

This was the moment when I finally learned to look and weigh sides for both people. All my assumptions about M being a cold hearted b*tch were destroyed in a matter of seconds as I came across a real cold-hearted b*tch who was the K. This thing with K got me thinking... At this point my pride did not exist anymore so I rethought my whole quest of getting M, and I realised that really most of it was my fault. I changed a lot from the last time I spoke to her and I see all my mistakes. I was clearly less self-confident, since I liked her so much I was noticeably awkward around her, my hobbies did not include anything but getting drunk in the club, I could hardly find a topic to talk about with her. I mean I admit it, I was just an idiot. And the worst was that I was a proud, stubborn, idiot. She probably thought of me as of some creepy, immature guy and I agree, turns out I was like that.

It has been a year and a half since that last miserable attempt with M. Over this period of time we would come across each other in public by accident but not say a word. Only make accidental eye contact, whenever she saw me she probably thought "oh it's that dumbass again" but whenever I saw her I really felt something hot in my chest. Over the course of 3 years since the very, very begging when I first liked her, I did not meet anyone who would get me even remotely as interested as M did. I changed a lot and I mean A LOT. I am not so selfish and proud anymore, I understood my mistakes and I don't hold grudges at people anymore, I realise that it is okay to be rejected and I accept it, I learned to lose and not hate the world because I do. Even though, I was depressed and on drugs in my last year of school, I was able to make it into a very good university. As a matter of fact, I am no longer depressed and no longer do any kind of drugs, I quit smoking cigs as well. I go to the gym and muay thai as well as study two other extra languages. I mean I really got a hold of my life now, or at least better than ever.

Sometimes I still think of M but not in that obsessed fashion anymore. I understand her now and I actually respect her for not being like K. I still love M after all and my last stupid idea is to approach her again. This time I actually want to fight for her, and not give up at the first little "I don't think so" like I did in the past. My questions are:
How can I let her know that I changed for the better? Should I approach her in a friendly manner at first and then let her understand everything through conversation. I just don't wanna spook her thinking "this guy is still into me? he gotta be crazy" :) :) Do you think she will like the fact that I am still into her? I mean it really proves my previous words were not empty. Over this period of time I did not even date any other girls because I did not like anyone. What should I do and how? Ladies reading this post, how would you react to something like this? Or what would make you like me after all of this?

Thank you for taking time to read this incredibly long post! :love:

P.S. From this text you might think that I am some asocial loser, but I am not. :) I had experience with girls before I met M and after but never with love and that's why it made me act in such stupid ways. I've had sex a lot of times too if you are wondering :D Not too ugly either, athletic body.