I'm in love with her but she deserves better ...

Hi guys. :) I'm new to the forum, I wanted to talk about this, but I'm pain in the a$$ for my best friends, so I decided to ask random people on forum. :D

So.. I'll start from the beginning. I got rejected a lot in my life.. and every girl takes a piece of my heart and I'm not sure what I have left to offer. I'm not really a greatest person in the world.. I feel hate towards 99% people on the planet. I was abused, mocked, bullied .. continue what you like. :D I grew up in very insecure guy .. but I've met her. She is probably one of the best people who walked on this planet. Really amazing girl. She is volunteer in childs hospital. She goes to collage and she works with kids who have problem in school.. special needs kids. We went out few times, both alone and with friends .. I told her that she is amazing and that I really like her. She told me that she thinks that I'm one of the nicest guys who she met. I'm in love with her, and she's with me.. but the problems are my emotions. I feel happy when I'm with her. But when she's gone ... I can't get rid of my hate towards people. Second: I'm not really sure if I want to continue my life in any way.. I really don't want to live. U get the point.. I really can't sleep last few days because my brain is working on 125%. I really can't solve this mind game.. I just want to be the guy who deserved the gift of live, and I'm not that guy anymore. Don't ask me about doctors 'cause I changed about 5 of them, and they don't know what is wrong with my mind, and medications just $uck.. I tried more then 10 of them..

So.. Help. I really don't know what to do with her.

Believe me, I so know how you feel. I was similarly ostracized and mistreated in my youth, and it has left me with a similarly grim impression of humanity. I, too, hate people in general. I don't tend to hate an individual person, mind you. Not unless they give me a reason. However, I do hate people in general.

The thing is, why let all of the bullies and a-holes from your past win? If you continue to hate yourself, then they've won. Trust me, they DO NOT deserve to win. They've made you no longer wish to live when THEY are the ones who deserve to be desiring their own demise for the deplorable way they treated you (and probably a lot of other people as well).

I, of all people, know this is SO much easier said than done..... but you have to take all those negative feelings and channel them into positive ends. It took me basically a life time, but I used all of that to craft myself into quite a fabulous monster. I've been hurt A LOT in my life, but I've always come out of it stronger than ever. I've got a stubborn refusal to quit. Even when I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I could just give up, somehow I simply cannot. I survive.

I wish that were something I could share, or something I could teach. Unfortunately it is just not that simple. Bottom line, though, you have found somebody who makes you happy. You have found somebody who you make happy. Don't decide FOR her that you do not deserve her... that she deserves better. You may think that, but obviously she does not.

All the same, though, you definitely should continue to work on your negative feelings. Your hate, your desire for your life to end, etc. You already have tried, and you are awesome for going through so much in trying to get through that. I am so sorry to hear you have not had any success. Sadly, that is a battle people like you and I will fight every day. I really do wish I could tell you it eventually goes away, but unfortunately we will always fight with it to some degree.

BUT... it CAN get better. You CAN learn to better handle it. You CAN become stronger and better able to deal with it when you do hit a low, and more quickly and easily climb your way back up to the highs. I really hate hearing that you have gone through so many doctors. Unfortunately, sometimes finding the right doctor for you is just like finding a relationship. It sometimes takes going through a lot of the wrong people before you find the right one.

Please don't give up on that. I know you've not had luck yet, but if you can manage to find the right match for you in a therapist, they may be able to help you more than you can imagine. If nothing else, they can at least help you to develop the tools within yourself to better fight this fight.

I wish I could be of more help, but this is not an easy battle you face. I know because it is one I've faced my whole life. Words don't really help. I know that from experience. But, in time, with determination, YOU are what will help. You need to realize that you are awesome. That, yes, you are definitely lucky to have this gal in your life..... but that she is also just as lucky to have you. Those people who treated you poorly your whole life and made you feel otherwise? To Hell with them! They don't deserve that power over you! So don't give them that anymore.

Good luck to you, friend.