My wife slept with another man while we were separated, but she denies it
Hello all, and thanks to anyone who replies with anything useful. To begion with, I've been married to my wife for 12 yeaqrs, together for 19. We recently separated for a few months (although we lived in the same home...awkward), and while we were separated, she slept with another man. I know this because one night when I saw a suspicious Facebook post, I went a little insane and unlocked her table (same account as her phone), and read her text messages to another man. I know, shame on me, but to be fair, I was borderline insane for a few hours.
SO, background as to how we got there...my wife has always accused me of not loving her enough, not making her feel loved enough, not being considerate enough of her at times, not feeling worthy, but it really ramped up a few years ago. She was very stressed by her job, and I told her to quit. During this time, she had taken to sleeping on the couch when she felt anxious. She quit, and things improved a bit for a little while. I had to work a second job to make ends meet, and that didn't make things better. It heightened her feelings of being alone, unloved, depressed, not contributing to the household expenses, etc. Then, she worked with me at my second job (bartender) for a little while. However, in a bit, she developed a cyst on her ovary that turned into a mass, and she ended up having to have the ovary removed. So more depression, more anxiety, wildly fluctuating hormones, and feelings of being unloved, unworthy, got worse. Then, she had her foot operated on (long overdue). But again, more of the same feelings. During all this, my mother died, and I probably didn't talk to her as much as I should have - she felt I excluded her from decisions and conversations. Then, a few months later, my brain damaged brother comes to live with me for a brief time, and during that time, he hits her while we were all in the car. She blames me for not acting quickly enough to stop him, and not being tough enough on him. My brother is moved out that night, but things between us worsen. The sequence of events with my brother confirms for her that I don't love her, don't value her, didn't act as I should have, and her depression gets worse. At some point, she starts saying we should separate and get divorced. Then sometimes things improve for a little bit, but they always go back. At some point she says we really must separate and divorce, as soon as she can get things together (she is still not working at this point). She often wished she wasn't here anymore, but after one night where she thought about suicide, she starts going to therapy. She starts going out with people more. Then one night, she doesn't come home, saying she had too many margaritas. I think this is about the time she slept with the other guy. She starts staying overnight at "friends" houses semi-regularly (when I don't work my second job). A few months later I find the Facebook post and do the unthinkable by breaking her confidence and unlocking her ipad. I went out with someone a few times at this point, although I only ever kissed this other woman. I still love my wife though, and I decide to write her a long letter to try and win her back. We decide to work on our marriage.
OK, pretty much present day now. Just recently, in the course of talking, I reveal that I thought she must have dated people during our separation. She acts very hurt, saying nothing of the sort ever happened, she only hung out with people as friends. Of course, she doesn't know I read her texts. Things have improved slowly, but she may need to have the other ovary removed, and her hormones are again all over the place. She is still very depressed, very stressed, very anxious, still feels worthless. Several times when we have argued recently, she brings up the fact that I called her a whore (referring to the fact that I said I thought she was dating someone), although if we were separated, there is no whore behavior. I feel like confronting her with this might help our relationship eventually, but I am afraid in her current state of mind, that it could have very negative consequences. Thoughts? Advice? When I say she is depressed, she still feels like not being here (not being alive) would solve all her problems. She's not actively suicidal now, but I worry constantly. I love this woman to the ends of the earth and I only want to move on and fix our marriage. Any help is appreciated.
