I can't get past this hurt I'm feeling and the regrets I have.

I feel so stupid now but my life has turned upside down because of what's happened in the last 9 months.
I wasn't happy in my marriage and for the last few years my husband has become mean and critical. My kids have left home and although I have hobbies and interests, the lack of affection and some health problems have left me very low in the past.
In my twenties I met a guy who really moved me. We got on so well and he asked me continually if I loved him. We had a powerful physical attraction but I would never tell him how I felt. I just said that I was very fond of him. He wanted to marry and have children. I was already engaged to another man who was living abroad and my lover had a girlfriend ( who thought they were going to marry) so the whole thing was conducted in secrecy and although it was thrilling it wasn't a good feeling. I knew he was a womaniser and I was wary of long term commitment. My steady boyfriend knew nothing about this and as my supposed wedding got closer I realised that I couldn't go through with it and pulled out of it. My lover left his girlfriend and we both had the freedom to be together. It was blissful but I had nagging doubts that he wouldn't be faithful. I had the feeling that he was very casual about affairs. My steady got in touch and asked me to join him as he missed me abroad and although we had split up I decided to meet up with him. My lover saw me off at the airport and we were both emotional. I wondered if I was doing the right thing and was in turmoil.
I never came back to England but life with my steady didn't go well , I got pregnant unexpectedly and married hurriedly, I thought that I'd owed my family to be a good wife and mother.
Years later I found out that my lover had come looking for me twice in England and had found out about my first baby. He was devasted so I was told.Much later I received a letter and 14 years ago he found me through social media. At first I couldn't believe it but I started returning his messages but resisted his
requests to meet. I was worrying about the affair starting up with good reason. Time went on and we confided our lives to each other..he never let on that he'd married and had a child in Thailand. I found out by stealth.
Last March things in the marriage went so wrong that one day crying on the sofa I decided to ring my lover up. Of course we met shortly afterwards and he was overwhelmingly affectionate and regretful. He said I'd ruined his life and he loved me so much. His jaw was shaking and I was ashamed and guilty about the pain I'd caused.i tried to tell him but it seemed pathetic. We were together for hours and he told me about his life and unsatisfactory marriage. He remembered everything..what I wore..what I said..how wonderful the sex had been..etc How I'd been a fantasy woman to him. We laughed a lot and clung together like a pair of teenagers. I knew that he was returning to Thailand and I helped him pack. He asked me where I thought this was going and I couldn't say. All day he texted and messaged and rang me. Even when I went to bed he would be messaging on my iPad. He was there when I woke up and so on until our next meeting. It did occur to me that he may have wanted revenge for me leaving so I asked him. The answer was that we had the future to look to etc. The meetings grew more intense until all the old feeling came flooding back. It sounds so silly now but we pledged eternal love..I asked him what his wife may feel..he said she'd laugh..I said..really???
The day came and I drove to Heathrow to see him off. He was quiet and subdued.we talked about his daughter and how he must be a good dad. I dreaded seeing him go but he said he was returning to work nearer where I live so we could see each other.
I heard from him but the texts etc died out..I kept sending fond messages and news but his calls seemed colder and inevitably after a problem with my iPad repeatedly ringing him unintentionally he snapped nastily..I apologised profusely but he told me coldly not to ring as he was busy. Things got worse..nothing ..no texts..I rang again later and the call felt unpleasant as if he was crowing about something. Being Thailand I thought local women had been involved but eventually I knew his wife was pregnant again.
It was hard not to feel really bad and I started wondering whether this was truly revenge. I was pleased for him if that made him happy. I got the occasional text but he implied his life was in turmoil..the situation was not what he wanted.
Feeling horrible but trying not to feel bereft meant that I had to get on with life so I did. Now it's so strange because I send him messages which he reads all the time but he refuses to talk to me. Only to Be nice about a few photos and my work. I'm always upbeat and positive but I'm having trouble letting go..he's been in my life for so long. I've learned that he has compartmentalised me into his fantasy woman and now he's met the real me he may feel different. I need to find out whether he's just forgotten me now.
and just can't be bothered and whether the whole thing was a charade to get me to say I loved him at last. I'll probably never know. I defriended him on FB but still message him. Since I've heard that the baby has arrived I've asked him to talk to me like a grownup . Congratulated him because I believe that if you love someone you want them to be happy. The pain came from the coldness and abrupt change in his attitude which was so opposite to how things had been. I made the mistake of sending too many texts but I hadn't realised that I was doing something wrong.

I just want to say that after reading your story I feel compelled to reply. I don't endorse infidelity but reading your story has brought back a flood of emotions that I suffered after the resent break up of my now former girlfriend and I.

You are absolutely correct in saying that if you love someone, you want them to be happy. I think about that statement and apply it to my situation. Thank you for that.

First off, you should ask yourself how your husband would feel if he found out about your affair. Do you think he would feel just as devastated as you're feeling at the moment? He maybe mean and critical but after all these years there may be an underlying reason why he is this why.

Secondly you said in the beginning of your story that you knew your lover from Thailand was a womanizer. Clearly you don't think that you were his only mistress? It may have been fun and exciting but you should put your feelings for this man aside and try to work on your marriage. If it is irretrievably then move on. These things happen everyday.

I do understand the pain you are feeling because even to this day I feel a void in my heart over someone I loved deeply that I can never have in my life again.

It is time for you to be happy and the only one that can make that happen is you.

I wish you well and happiness.

Thanks for your kind message. My husband knew about my friend and I had explained everything. I felt as if I tried so hard with my husband but everything that he felt at the beginning seems gone. Without listing al the cruel remarks and put downs I can only say that I craved affection and was needy. My husband doesn't know about the latest news ( they knew each other once). I can't understand why I was so crushed when it went wrong. I'd spent years hoping that the marriage would improve and I suppose I felt things with P that I'd forgotten about..warmth and attraction. I suppose il just keep busy and accept that there will always be an empty space..like you. So kind of you to share your thoughts.

I am so very sorry for the struggle you've endured. Along with your expiration, I understand and sympathize what you have been through. I ended a 20 year marriage in 2008 for the same reason. She became cold and heartless. I tried for so many years to make it work but in the end it was futile. In the beginning there was love, romance and passion, but it just stopped. Men also crave these as well. Fortunately I held myself together, I had so many opertunities to be unfaithful but I never did. I do understand giving into the temptation and I do not judge those who have. I'm sure you are very special in your ways and if you ever need a friend to confide in. I am only a message away.