My love-breakup story (long). need help/advice please.. im so lost
(keep in mind throughout this whole story that i live in Ohio, and my boyfriend at the time lives in Florida. we frequently visited each other. i also apologize in advance for grammar and spelling error. no energy lol.)
5 years ago i met a guy that i crushed on for the following 2 years. he became one of my best friends. i finally confessed to him, and he felt the same. we had amazing conversations, laughed about the dumbest things, playfully annoyed the crap out of each other and wrestled each other, played video games and stayed on the phone for 12 hours a day.. any time we could talk, we would. we had so much fun, and we would always remind the other how much we loved them... how much we want them, forever. as time went on, i moved in with him, and he started losing patience with me. he said i was too emotionally dependent... it made no sense to me because i thought we were on the same page. he told me to grow up, to be independent. he told me i need to focus on myself and find who i really am. that i need to learn how to be happy on my own... after that convo, we decided to go on a break. (well, he did). 3 months before this, he had stopped saying "i love you" and stopped putting in effort anymore. fast forward to now, we have been broken up for a month and a half. he dumped me. 2 1/2 years down the drain. i cant understand how this could have happened.. he was the only one i truly trusted. the only one i truly wanted to be around forever. my best friend, and the man i loved so damn much.
a couple problems with me is, i know i got too attached to him. i literally revolved my life around him and could not go a minute without wishing he was with me. even when we were together. but he was also like that with me, for the first year and a half. i thought thats just how we were- perfect together. this is my first love, so i had no red flags i thought i should look for. i could not believe that the guy i crushed on so hard returned my love.. it was way too good to be true. and the way he made me feel was so new and amazing to me. he cared for me so much.. he checked up on me, made sure i knew he loved me, understood my anxiety issues and my traumatic past experiences with men. he knows me inside and out. and loved me fully... i loved every aspect of him. and i fear it got obsessive. but i was never clingy. he told me once "you're more than my girlfriend, you're my best friend. i finally found someone i know 100% truly loves me for who i am.." he would text things like this every now and again. i didnt text him constantly and i didnt monitor who he talked to. there was no need. i trusted him 100%. i understood when he wanted to go hang out with others and when he wanted to spend time with me. i was a decent girlfriend despite my "self discovery" issue. i tried so hard to keep him interested, but he slipped further and further away each day.
near the end, we had really fun days. we played video games and he would laugh at my screams lol.. we got drunk and had a blast just talking to each other and play fighting. this was during our break, so i figured things were improving. i was happy. then the election day came... he decided right then and there he was moving to austria. we had talked about this before- about a year ago- that in maybe a decade we'd both love to go. but he decided that a year and a half would be good... my heart sank. a year and a half? we still needed to fix things between us, and he didnt even look towards me when he said he was moving. like i just hadnt existed in his life. he tagged his buddy in a post and it said "moving to austria next year." leaving me completely in the dust. like i just... meant nothing. i approached him. i said i dont know if i should still be living with him at this point if hes moving so soon. i didnt feel loved. best friend at most. but staying with someone who doesnt love you, to try and make him love you within a year and a half so that you can maybe move to a different country with him- it seemed so risky. not to mention he didnt even care to talk to me about it before telling his facebook population. so cold hearted. the man i knew before would never have treated me this way. never in a million years. he got aggressive and asked "what is it you want me to do? break up with you?" i said "is that what you want?" he said "kinda, yes." so i started crying and said "no, please i-" and he ended it. and hung up the phone. (i had to call him because he was dropping his brother off at school and i couldnt wait.) i broke down.." anyone but him. take anyone but him from me." thats what i kept thinking. the only thing that made me feel worth something has so coldly left me behind. why the hell is this happening. later that night i told him i was moving out that saturday... he asked "why?" seriously?... apparently he wasnt kicking me out, but just breaking my heart. nice.
the next day, i calmed down a little after 18 hours of non stop crying. i wanted to end on good terms. i asked him how he just cut his emotion off for me.. he said "i didnt say that." i said "you said it yesterday.." and he replied, "i was being an ass..." i still dont know how to take this. but in the end we stupidly agreed to be friends still. ive been home now for a month and a half. he texted me memes and random things for the first few days, but then randomly got blunt... as if our "being friends" discussion never happened. he'd tag me in something every like.. 2 weeks... i gave up and stopped texting him. and i am not doing much better currently. in fact, the more time goes by the more i miss him. im slipping into a pretty deep depression. i am slowly losing my appetite and have no motivation for much of anything. i cant even have fun with my family and friends anymore. tonight, i found out that hes looking to leave to austria even sooner than i heard. i still have some furniture so i was going to go down and sell them when i thought i could handle seeing him again. but he asked me tonight if i wanted to come get the furniture or if he wanted him to sell them and give me the money. i broke down as if i had been broken up with again. i dont know why... i guess because i wanted to see him at least one more time. i didnt get to say goodbye. he was sleeping when i left, and i figured it wouldnt be the last time.. he texted me when he woke upi and said "i wish you had woken me up..". i fely so guilty. and i still do.. i just packed the van and made the long drive home. im sitting here now, heart broken all over again... knowing i will probably never see him again. ill never hear him again... someone who meant the world to me is just gone from my life for forever.
i know time heals wounds... but right now, it seems 100% impossible to move on from this. i still love him. i miss him so much... if anyone has experience with having once such a deep connection with someone and losing them forever please, i could use all the advice in the world. he was the one person i KNEW would be by my side. i just cant comprehend this... i feel like i will never find any other guy attractive. like ill never find someone i love as much as i loved him (the old him). i can NOT stop the good memories from flashing in my head. i cant even look at my family couch because we cuddled on it. and i cant go to a certain area of town because we went down there a few times and have some amazing memories... when does this stop? its ****ing torture. i miss his cute stupid lisp and his laugh. i miss watching him play with his dog, and i even miss the bruises he left when we would roughhouse. i cant play the video games i enjoyed anymore because we would play them together. i cant watch my favorite shows or movies... i get sad just thinking about his voice in my phone. how hed call me all the time... i just want it back so desperately. i want his love again. i want to be able to tell him i love him. and that im sorry for failing him... but he is moving on...how do you guys cope with this? it seems like ill never feel better. i want to give up.
