Breakup has destroyed me

Hi everyone.

I am writing here because I genuinely have no where to turn. I am getting to the point where I feel like life is not worth living. I am in the worst state of my life, and I have never been through anything as awful as this. I am usually not an emotional person AT ALL, everyone around me knows this. However the situation I am going through, I cannot even explain what it has done to me. I feel destroyed and I cant speak to my friends about it. I am begging you all for help...

I dated a girl on and off for about 8 months, and then for the next 4 months we became a couple (12 months in total). For the first 8 months when I was dating her, she appeared to be extremely classy, a good girl, good morals, calm, sensible and a real lady. Through out our 8 months of dating I started liking her more and more and eventually we became a couple. However, as soon as we became an item...I started learning the truth of who she really was. Its so devastating to say that, I can go on and on about all the horrible things she did but my heart physically cannot take it for me to write it all out so I will summarize it:

I found out that through out our 4 months as a couple, from the start she was cheating on me. She cheated on me with approximately 10+ guys, I honestly don't even know the real figure but this is as far as I know. She lives with her best friend, and as we live in a very small town..I found out through mutual friends that random men had been leaving their house at all hours of the nights. She would go out partying, and dance/flirt/grind on other men. She had sex with so many men during our time together. She was having sex with her ex throughout our whole relationship. This kills me to say, but she had unprotected sex with her ex one morning, and I happened to come knocking on her door to ask her out for lunch. She told me to come back later, and we also had unprotected sex. Later on that night, she had sex with her ex again. I would hear stories of how she woke up after a night out with a man in her bed fully clothed, she lied about the incident and I later found out she had been cheating on me with him for 2 months. I would find texts and messages to other men. I would have to physically gather evidence to catch her out, but despite me doing this she would lie in my face and act like I am crazy! She would lie, manipulate me in to thinking I am just being paranoid and sensitive. She even swore on a child's life and my life that she wasn't lying when she was lying.

But...what hurts me the most more than cheating (yes it gets worse), is that she would on most days lie and make up a totally fake story about how "someone" had rang her, texted her, she had found out that I am cheating/lying/my intentions with her weren't honest. She would on so many occasions put me in situations where I would have to defend myself, prove to her that I wasn't being unfaithful, prove to her that I had true intentions with her. She would make up completely fake stories of that people had been saying things to her. She would even mention names of the people who she claimed had told her that I was cheating, when the people hadn't even said a word! She made me doubt some of the closest people in my life, people who I trust 100% by claiming they were speaking about me.

She put me through absolute hell. Honestly I am balling my eyes out as I write this, and before her...I was a guy who had all the confidence of the world. I can't even remember the last time I weeped like this before this woman ruining my life. The worst thing is, her friends and family would also send me messages and texts, claiming I was "over sensitive" and "a psycho" that made her life hell because I would "falsely accuse her of cheating". All these people, they knew what she was doing behind my back!! When I would go to her house, her friend and sister would laugh in my face and say "youre just crazy, you need to relax. Gosh, you not normal". I even caught my ex and her friend once making up a false story about me cheating and when I caught them out and questioned them about it, they smirked in my face!!

I would have to defend myself and fight my corner everyday against false accusations when SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATING, LYING AND MANIPULATING!!!!!! And to remind you all, this isn't even all she has done. I nearly lost my job! I cannot function after this. I cant believe who she turned out to be, when she showed me a completely different side to herself in the beginning!? Please someone explain how it makes sense?!

I also began to see some signs of her being kind of controlling, but I am not sure. She asked me to block a girl off facebook because "she didn't like her", and she wasn't always happy when I was out with my friends and used to tell me to go home, I didnt listen. (is this a sign of controlling behavior?)

The worst thing is, and I am struggling so bad with this...Ever since I have broken up with her she has been chasing me. She emails and calls constantly. She came outside my house last week balling her eyes out, she had a panic attack. She begged and pleaded, told me how much she regrets it and how much she loves me. That she has been miserable and she cant be without me. That she has changed, that she has realized what she lost. That she has realized that what she was doing wasn't okay. She spent 2 hours just crying and crying and apologizing. And honestly, I'm starting to believe her!!!! It scares me, because I'm starting to miss her, I'm starting to make excuses for her in my head, starting to think maybe shes being honest with her apology and will never do it again.

I don't know if what I have been through is emotional abuse? I feel completely out of my mind..How is it possible for me to want to get back with someone like her? Ive developed horrible anxiety and I am a shadow of the happy confident guy I was once.

Sorry everyone for the long post, but please please I am pleading...Help me! What should I do? How should I think? I don't have anyone to talk to because its such a horrible and embarrassing situation. She has crushed me.

I've said this many times on this board and it perhaps may never have been truer than when I am saying it now.....

Please do not mistake this.... You are NOT missing her. You are missing the idea of who you THOUGHT she was. You are missing the wonderful feelings you had when you THOUGHT you'd found somebody special. Heck.... I don't think anybody could blame you. That feeling is amazing when you think you've maybe found "The One."

The thing is, those things you are missing.... that person you are missing..... it isn't her. She's not who you thought she was. Don't get me wrong. That is NOT your fault. That is 100% hers. She deceived you into thinking something she was not. She is the lowest of scum. DO NOT believe her crap. EVERYTHING about what you describe about her screams emotional abuse.

Especially now that you are finally free of her..... and so she suddenly choose now to miraculously change. She suddenly chooses now to realize she's done wrong when she'd deny, deflect, and just outright lie completely. DO NOT believe her crap for a second. Believe me, I understand how you are feeling, so I can't blame you that part of you wants to believe her. You want to believe she could be the person you thought you saw in her.

That's actually not necessarily a bad thing, because it shows you do still want that with somebody.... the thing is, you'll NEVER find it with her. If you accept her back you are only opening yourself up to more of the same hurt. The emotional wreck you feel like you are right now.... that WILL pass in time. In time, you will realize you are SO much better off without her. What you need to do is start reminding yourself of all the terrible ways she mistreated you. Not to torture yourself, but to remind yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER. You need to get yourself out of this despair phase and instead feel anger. Feel hate. Get yourself to that position of feeling "How DARE she treat me like that?! How DARE she play with somebody's heart like that.... and then when they are finally free try to beg them back with more of her BS and lies."

But, then here is the most important part....

Use that anger, use that hate as a tool to make yourself into a better you. Use that anger and hate to resolve yourself not to ever be used like that again..... and then let it go. Anger and hate get a bad wrap, but they sincerely CAN be good tools to use especially in a situation like this. BUT, if you dwell in them for too long they can consume you. So, take some healthy time to get into a "F*** HER" mindset.... then use that to get yourself in the "I deserve better, and I'm going to get out there and GET it" mindset.

You may not be feeling it now, but you will be okay. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Maybe you also don't believe that YET.... but keep saying it to yourself. For now, I'll get you started by saying it for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! She'll never BE that better. You've seen that already. Don't fall for her crap.

Good luck to you.

you are missing not having somebody there like you used to...
you're not missing her.

it hurts right now and i'm sorry about that. dno't make it more than it is, don't devalue what it is - just let it be what it is and it will pass and you'll be fine. and you'll be back.

you're going thru rebound right now.. (missing what was filing the void) so it's time to heal you now..not worry about relatoinships whether the ex- or finding somebody new. now's the time to sit back and chill.. heal..
once you're you again then we can pick it up and try again except with some lessons learned to be better next time

You will never find a girl who cheat you more. This girl was special in this way. I can sugest free therapy at betterhelp.com You can have a week long free trial and then extend it for another week when you cancel and cancel it permanetly anytime before your credit card gets charged. Also theres free listeners on 7cups.com but they are volunteers. Still no need credit card there.

If you have problems with sleep you can get sleeping pills. If you feel like you cant handle your emotional state then get on meds. Life can be better or at least you can feel better about it, you are not alone, take advantage if all the free help resources available and stuff.
Love yourself and work hard or go to gym. Eat well and spend time in nature, woods, beatch, parks. It will help you heal.