confused what to do/how to feel
There's this guy who I've know for a long time, but when I say known it's been at school, we've been a lot of the same classes and have been put next to each other and not really talked about ourselves. Everything about him I hate, his personality, how he's the typical horrible popular guy who everyone despite this loves, and he's in love with his ego, funny and intelligent. And yet despite all of this I was attracted to him for a long time, every time I caught him looking at me I would get those god damn butterflies in my stomach and twitch in my eye. I hated that, I hated how I became like everyone else, when I was intelligent enough to know the games he was playing. I had these feelings for too long but constantly covered by my hatred of him. I would make sure that I walked with confidence passed him and give him a stare saying 'I'm not going to be like the rest of them' well that was what I hoped it showed whether it did or not I have no clue. Initially I was leaving school to go to college so I took that chance to say what I thought of him- it was pretty hurtful and he was shocked. Afterwards it was the best thing I'd felt. But that was short lived and then the guilt and regret kicked in- I started thinking why the hell did I just tell him the opposite of what I felt for him? Well I was angry at myself for having feelings for him, it was a way to make it easier to forget him maybe, But was I living in a fantasy, I had often thought that we both had 'chemistry' between ys, the thought of me thinking that does make me slightly sick, and yet it was some kind of precious heart renching feeling that I had hoped he had felt as well. Why did I even have feelings for him, I would get so annoyed with myself, every time I looked at his face was a wind up. It was all so confusing.
Anyway, I went to college months passed and it was a massive struggle to leave him behind. College didn't work out so I returned. I felt pretty confident, I was more myself , I fitted into my skin and knew better than to get wound up by cliche bitchy popular girls or any judgmental people, and thought seeing him again would mean nothing. I was wrong, when I saw him for the first time since I came back every feeling came rushing back in as we looked at each other. And the fantasy began again, god that annoyed me, how could I let this happen to me, I was better than this. it is so difficult to face that now especially after what I said he probably absolutely hates me. There was this other guy who was his friend who I sort of fancied beforehand- he was interesting, liberal minded, saw the bigger picture, incredibly intelligent and was simply nice. I think he had liked me. And when i came back we seemed closer, we talked more and we had a lot in common I really liked him. When I thought about him it all seemed real he made me smile and any relationship with him seemed more likely, but there was no attraction. I'm desperately trying to move on from the guy who I've been so heavily attracted to for so long, I'm trying to convince myself its simply animal attraction that that kind of attraction doesn't consider personality, that's all an unrealistic prospect, that we're probably so different, that honestly I know hardly anything about him, that he probably can't stand me, that I wouldn't be myself with him and that it's ridiculous I'm even thinking about these things because things probably wont go any further than stares. But it's so hard to let go of such strong feelings. What should I do? Should I go through the struggle? Should I see his friend as someone who I could be with? Is it all just me overthinking?? Any suggestions?
