I am Lost

p.s. It's really hard to "force motivation". It's either there or it isnt. I can really relate to this (from a past phase in my own life). I have a saying:

Fake it till you feel it!

That doesnt work in all things, but in this... you kind of have to "kick start" yourself. It's a catch 22 though - wanting to make friends, but having none to "get out" with initially so that you feel comfortable going places where people gather in groups, etc.

Perhaps you could take a local class, start going to the gym. If you like sports and beer (you are male, you said?) perhaps you could pull up a stool at a local sports bar to watch the next game. Just little things like that that other people do alone too. Or get on some place like meetup.com and see if there are any local interest groups that grab your attention.

From there, you have to really step out of your comfort zone and initiate conversations. This was the hard part for me. I found myself in a small town where everybody knew everyone else... and I had no idea where to step in and try to fit in (or make the first friend). I joined a league, which has helped a lot (like bowling or softball or something like that).

Now I am a part of something. You have no idea how good that feels to me! Even though I am "the new gal" on my league, I am still a part of that group. Now if someone comes in thats new, or that I dont know, I can say "Hey, I am ___ - I dont think I've met you out here before" with a big smile. If I can force enough conversation I'll say - "why dont you jot down your number - we can hook up and grab lunch sometime or something".

This is not even about the opposite sex - it's about meeting people, making connections, and building relationships in my life (which were desperately needed).

I also got out my old address book and called old friends. You should try that. People you havent seen since high school, even. Makes for some great conversations, and many laughs!

Like I said, "fake it till you feel it" (the motivation, that is) - you're bound to make some sort of connection somewhere.

And take me up on the book offer ;)

One, I think you ahve already made your first step by acknowledging all this. you realize what you ahve become or things you don't like and you want to change them. It's going to be a slow process but you can do it. It's hard to change things about yourself but realizing what you want to change is the hardest part.

Take small steps, you know join a club or sport and get to know people. Don't be afraid of people ya know?? Briefly talk or say hi or answer questions with more than just one word answers. It will take awhile to do this and have the courage to do it but just take small steps. Find something you really enjoy ie. drawing, writing, etc.. and then see what si out there for you! There's all kinds of things you can do to get out!

Justplaying5050, Late_Vamp, Independent, and Rosebud,

Thank you all so much.

I've learned something today: That the world is not going to change for me. I'm going to have to make some changes myself. Some lifestyle changes.

I want to do something for other people. Maybe go to a cancer ward, and volunteer for other people. Help out in my community. Discover myself. Make some friends.

This is all going to be very difficult, and for this reason, I may not enjoy the changes at first. Changing my ways may make me feel uncomfortable.

But as you said: Fake it till you feel it!

I like that a lot. Because it is a very realistic idea. It's going to be tough to be 'open' and 'adventurous' - and for this reason, I should fake it!

And as time goes by, I won't have to fake it anymore, because I will adapt and enjoy.

This week, I'm going to get out more. I'm going to start a journal of my days events, and post them here. It'll give me some motivation to create something out of the day, instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Welcome to your first early-twenties depressive freak out. Guess what, it happens to pretty much all of us at some point, often more than once. When you realize that everyone else is going through thesame thing, you'll probably stop beating yourself up over it.

ONE- I understand exactly what it is that you are saying. I have been there quite a few times myself ( even a bit here recently). I know what it is like to have no friends. I moved down here about 10 months ago and I still haven't made any friends. My job doesn't allow me to hang out with the people i work with and I don't go out at all because I work way too much and don't have the time. The only person I have here is my boyfriend. (Those who were my friends back home no longer communicate with me after I moved).

Well, good luck with everything! I hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted!!!

thanks bluesummer

by the way, what if i don't want the rainbow? what if i only want the sun? rofl

I know what you mean, One. Literally - from experience. Volunteer work sounds like a really great idea! That's one thing that I did too. I filled out the form when I registered my kids for school to do volunteer stuff - or join the PTO. (not my thing, but hey - I was getting desperate LOL)

And let me just tell you this... I didnt necessarily pick something I already enjoyed doing - as far as the league thing. Like for example, I dont bowl. I guess I dont mind it either, but it's not something I do regular. However, if I saw in the paper that leagues were starting up, thats an example of something I might go do. You dont have to be good at it, or even have any prior experience. It's kind of a great "ice breaker" to just laugh and say I've never done this before... thought it sounded like fun!

I like the idea of keeping a daily journal. That's something that works for me too. It's the accountability factor. You have to look at that paper every day. It's either blank, and makes you feel like crap... or it has things on it, and makes you feel good inside knowing you are moving forward.

A support group is good too. Another accountability thing. If you state that you are going to open a new thread and post every day in it here at LF about your progress in this area... we are all going to check in and see how you're doing. And prompt you if you get quiet on us. That's what friends are for.

Maybe you didnt realize you already had some ;)

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Originally Posted by independent

I know what you mean, One. Literally - from experience. Volunteer work sounds like a really great idea! That's one thing that I did too. I filled out the form when I registered my kids for school to do volunteer stuff - or join the PTO. (not my thing, but hey - I was getting desperate LOL)

And let me just tell you this... I didnt necessarily pick something I already enjoyed doing - as far as the league thing. Like for example, I dont bowl. I guess I dont mind it either, but it's not something I do regular. However, if I saw in the paper that leagues were starting up, thats an example of something I might go do. You dont have to be good at it, or even have any prior experience. It's kind of a great "ice breaker" to just laugh and say I've never done this before... thought it sounded like fun!

I like the idea of keeping a daily journal. That's something that works for me too. It's the accountability factor. You have to look at that paper every day. It's either blank, and makes you feel like crap... or it has things on it, and makes you feel good inside knowing you are moving forward.

A support group is good too. Another accountability thing. If you state that you are going to open a new thread and post every day in it here at LF about your progress in this area... we are all going to check in and see how you're doing. And prompt you if you get quiet on us. That's what friends are for.

Maybe you didnt realize you already had some ;)

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i cried this morning. then i posted this thread. then i made a fool of myself in this forum (a defense mechanism i guess). and after reading this post, i almost cried again...almost.

thanks for your encouragment. i WILL keep a journal here, and let you know how i will do. i will be out of town to see family, but i'll be back in my apartment next week, and that's when i'll start!

Sounds like a good plan!

Enjoy the time with your family :)

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Originally Posted by independent

Sounds like a good plan!

Enjoy the time with your family :)

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...and thanks for the book! I'm reading it now!

First of all, why are you being coy, Independent? Got a book to share? Share it. Especially if you reference it more than once.

Second, Bluesummer hit the nail on the head, One. This doldrum is only one of many more to come. Some have fewer. Some have more. You learn to roll with them. (Or you don't.)

Third, pardon me for saying so, but I'd hardly call a 22 year-old male a grown man. Twenty-two is just about when most of us even have the thought to BEGIN self-reflecting, and guys don't usually REALLY come into their own until their 40's.

Kick back, man. There's a LONNNG way to go yet. And you're going to be surprised more than once over what you become. Look forward to it.

Meanwhile, might want try a little something that's served me well at such times as I imagine you're experiencing: Listen to your body. I mean, get in a quiet place, and LISTEN to it. The high ringing tone you might sometimes hear in your ears is, often, the sound of your nerve-endings firing. The low-pitched tone, the sound of your blood moving in your arteries and veins.

After you listen for awhile, sense if any part of your body wants to move. Move it as it wants. Whatever. Stand. Sit. Twist your fingers into strange shapes. Make faces. Move in any and every way your BODY -- NOT your mind -- suggests to you. When an impulse to move ceases, hold the pose you find youself in, or hold the expression you've made with your face, and consider it what it suggests to you.

After you've done that for awhile, go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Look into and BEHIND them. Let your face take on any expression or contortion; whatever you see in your eyes suggests. Cry if you must, but get that over with. Crying is very releasing, but is seldom very informative. Once your crying is done, go back to looking behind your eyes and letting your face put on whatever you find there.

After you've done that for awhile, look for connections between the faces you've seen in the mirror. Replay them, if needed.

It's not what we think that's important. It what goes on between our thoughts that is. Learn to read between your thoughts.

i was listening to trans-siberian orchestra, christman in sarajevo, while reading the above post. and i was caught up in the moment. i felt as if i was in a different world. i don't know how you did it - i mean string together words with such imagination and pre-concieved thought as to my emotions as i read them. your words are beautiful, and they touched me. i'm not that easily moved.

thank you. i needed that.

i can't describe your advice, because my vocab is not that good. but i have a FEEL for what you think i should do, and i thank you for this.

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Originally Posted by whaywardj

First of all, why are you being coy, Independent? Got a book to share? Share it. Especially if you reference it more than once.

Second, Bluesummer hit the nail on the head, One. This doldrum is only one of many more to come. Some have fewer. Some have more. You learn to roll with them. (Or you don't.)

Third, pardon me for saying so, but I'd hardly call a 22 year-old male a grown man. Twenty-two is just about when most of us even have the thought to BEGIN self-reflecting, and guys don't usually REALLY come into their own until their 40's.

Kick back, man. There's a LONNNG way to go yet. And you're going to be surprised more than once over what you become. Look forward to it.

Meanwhile, might want try a little something that's served me well at such times as I imagine you're experiencing: Listen to your body. I mean, get in a quiet place, and LISTEN to it. The high ringing tones you might sometimes hear in your ears is, often, the sound of your nerve-endings firing. The low-pitched tones, the sound of your blood moving in your arteries and veins.

After you listen for awhile, sense if any part of your body wants to move. Move it as it wants. Whatever. Stand. Sit. Twist your fingers into strange shapes. Make faces. Move in any and every way your BODY -- NOT your mind -- suggests to you. When an impulse to move ceases, hold the pose you find youself in, or hold the expression you've made with your face, and consider it what it suggests to you.

After you've done that for awhile, go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Look into and BEHIND them. Let your face take on any expression or contortion; whatever you see in your eyes suggests. Cry if you must, but get that over with. Crying is very releasing, but is seldom very informative. Once your crying is done, go back to looking behind your eyes and letting your face put on whatever you find there.

After you've done that for awhile, look for connections between the faces you've seen in the mirror. Replay them, if needed.

It's not what we think that's important. It what goes on between our thoughts that is. Learn to read between your thoughts.

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thats some deep shite going on there . i actually wanna try this now .

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Originally Posted by Late_vamp

thats some deep shite going on there . i actually wanna try this now .

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i think everybody should try this. it IS very deep.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by whaywardj

First of all, why are you being coy, Independent? Got a book to share? Share it. Especially if you reference it more than once.

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My apologies if I wasnt following board etiquette. The honest truth is because the download link is "identifying" and I prefer to remain anonymous on this forum, as its personal (as are my posts here). I hope that's okay with everyone.

I dont mind sharing the link through PM's, directly with particular individuals... but I wouldnt want a google search of my URL bringing people here to peer into my personal life (which isnt flattering at the moment LOL).