what do I do,I cant just let it happen...

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17-02-09, 09:54 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Carl, it's the same option you recommended. I just added the bit where I question his motives of wanting a romantic relationship with a person going through a deep trauma who is obviously not ready to be in one (And probably won't be ready for a long while).

I question his motives, too. Sorry, but it seems extremely unhealthy to look at a girl who has been so badly traumatized and say to yourself "ooh, I'd like to have some of that for myself". The most helpful people are the ones who remain objective, not the ones who interject their own emotional issues.

This girl needs help - not romance. If this story is true, do her a favor and REALLY help her by calling the cops, or at least call the rape crisis hotline for further guidance. Your romantic interest is a poor excuse to not do the right thing, and she is a child, after all.
17-02-09, 09:54 AM
Junket

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

Read it 88, and think about this relationship, and your previous relationship(s).

I'm serious.
17-02-09, 10:08 AM
Aeradalia

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I question his motives, too. Sorry, but it seems extremely unhealthy to look at a girl who has been so badly traumatized and say to yourself "ooh, I'd like to have some of that for myself". The most helpful people are the ones who remain objective, not the ones who interject their own emotional issues.

This girl needs help - not romance. If this story is true, do her a favor and REALLY help her by calling the cops, or at least call the rape crisis hotline for further guidance. Your romantic interest is a poor excuse to not do the right thing, and she is a child, after all.

A question to the OP... why haven't you alerted the authorities or contacted the rape crisis hotline the first time you mentioned this situation? Why haven't you alerted the authorities or contacted the rape crisis hotline immediately after finding out about this more recent occurrence?

What are you waiting for?
17-02-09, 10:12 AM
bluesummer

^ Good question. If someone had done that to someone I cared about, I'd be dragging their ass down to the cop shop. They'd be going willing or not.
17-02-09, 10:23 AM
Aeradalia

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

^ Good question. If someone had done that to someone I cared about, I'd be dragging their ass down to the cop shop. They'd be going willing or not.

Or barely breathing or not... it's really quite optional...
17-02-09, 10:24 AM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I commend the OP for wanting to help... and there's plenty he can do... he can help guide her to the authorities... guide her to the people who are willing to help her. He can give her hope... and reassurance that the pain is over. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with her, but he can be a much needed friend.

That's pretty much what I said as well. He can be friendly, helpful and supportive without actually being too close. I never said that he shouldn't try to help her, just not seek a relationship with her to save her (and himself) a huge chunk of pain.

The bit where he actually wants to seek a romantic relationship with her is what tripped my alarms. It sounded like he is seeking to help her for all the wrong reasons.
17-02-09, 10:25 AM
Junket

A 20 year old and a 16 year old?

The age difference alone is bad enough.

And I don't mean the 4 years, I'm referring to the stages they're at in their lives.
17-02-09, 10:29 AM
Aeradalia

Ahem... debate relationship to be or not to be later...

Shouldn't we be.. uhm... encouraging him to find help for her?

This debate would all be meaningless if she winds up dead... right?
17-02-09, 10:30 AM
Junket

Uh, oh yeah, call the cops and don't bother trying to date her anymore.
17-02-09, 10:36 AM
lesa

She needs to go to one of those rape or abused homes. This girl needs major counseling. She is mentally not well and should not have boyfriends or a sexual relationship now or for several years.

I would contact a social worker!

Look in your phone book or online for resources.
17-02-09, 10:38 AM
bluesummer

I understand she's probably scared of her ex, but I bet she'd be willing to go to someone for help if she knew you'd be there to support her, lightning.
17-02-09, 02:59 PM
lightning88

Quote:

What you can do immediately, is encourage her to get on the pill. Take her to planned parenthood if she doesn't have a doctor. Save a copy of this thread to explain why you are helping her get birth control.

Then YOU call this number

Rape Crisis Center
2941 Lake Tahoe Blvd
South Lake Tahoe, CA 96150
Phone: (530) 544-4444

I'm not helping her get the pill because im afraid if I do she will not tell me next time if this happens to her. I've forwarded that number to her,but I'm not sure if shes going to use it. (ill explain nmmore in a minute)

Quote:

The issue here is that if there's no proof that he raped her then there's no way that he's going to get locked up.

she showered after it (i dont blame her) but she has texts where hes not only admitted it but says he will rape her again so she DOES have proof.

Quote:

Sorry for being insensitive, but what is it with this girl and being abused? Is she wearing an abuser homing device or something? I don't know what to recommend because I'm seeing red flags all over the place and if it was me I would keep a WIDE amount of distance from her. You can be friendly, helpful and supportive without actually being too close, I think this one is a wide case of baggage and unresolved problems. I would question anyone who wants to be in relationship with this type of person if they are having a "Knight in shining armor syndrome".

I'm not being a knight in shining armour I'm simply trying to protect some1 I love dont you get that?

And everyone here listenup,I am NOT with her as a bf,there is NOTHING romantic nor am I trying to get that,I most certainly do not have a thought in my head anything like "ill save a peice of that for me" , that really pisses me off like you have no idea,This girl has been there for me over the years as much as I have for her OK! I do love her and would love to be her bf someday,BUT that is not going to happen until shes 18 and we both agree to and follow this,we have never even kissed,but we love each other deeply. if you cant understand that too bad!

Quote:

A 20 year old and a 16 year old?

The age difference alone is bad enough.

And I don't mean the 4 years, I'm referring to the stages they're at in their lives.

again I'm NOT ramanticlly involved with her we are best friends Fras. That is ALL and will be ALL for YEARS. we are not going to be romanticlly involved for YEARS. so everyone please drop that.

Quote:

I know what I would do... I'd find the mother****er and beat the ever living shit out of him till he couldn't move... wait for him to regain consciousness.. then do it all over again... and again.. and again. But sadly, pieces of shit have 'rights' even though they take rights from others...

I feel the same and would kill the guy if I could get away with it.

After reading a couple of your responses I went to see her.I told her I cant sit around knowing this is happening to her and do nothing,she was upset and said she doesnt want me to,shes very scared,I spent ages trying to get her to report this,I think she will. I will see/talk to her again on wednsday (we have church together).

but I didn't stop there,I asked everyone I know and she knows and finally a friend told me where the guy lives,I went to his house but he wasnt there,but I got his cell number and myspace,and I had a conv with him on myspace and told him what I'd do to him if he hurts her. He is scared shitless that I even know,also where he lives......I dont think he will go around her anymore,it got back to me that he actually called friends and told them he had someone threatening him. and I will make good on it If anything happens to her.

He has told her its her fault because she dated him he was entitled to do it,and hes beaten her to the point she blames herself! I want to hurt him,but what I'm going to do is send the info and emails I have on him (admitting this) to the police,that way he will go down for this and she will not have to testify,because I know shes scared to death.

What do you think of this plan guys?^ this is the best thing I can think to do because I dont want to betray her trust or put her through anymore issues. I'm trying to protect her.

also I'd like to thank carl for that post,and finding that local center and number for me to give her.And thank you to frasbee,(he knows why)
17-02-09, 03:32 PM
lightning88

Quote:

Originally Posted by carl1222 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Our only common point is that she needs to take action, Mishanya.

I never suggested that he should dump her because she has too much baggage and isn't worth the work.

Maybe he truly loves her and is willing to share the tough task of her recovering from being horribly abused by her parents and her ex-boyfriend. That's motivation enough without assuming he's trying to be a Knight in Shining Armor ... unless you were willing to say that ANYONE who wants to be with her is a "Knight in Shining Armor."

Because you eliminate any true romantic and unflawed option of why anyone would be interested in her, you ARE condemning her to the dumpster!

Carl.

Thank you for understanding Carl.

Although there is nothing to dump because we are not romanticlly involved,I do love her with all my heart. and I do not care if she has these problems,I have problems as well although nothing like this.....I love her because shes her,not because im trying to be a knight. This is wonderful loving girl that I have known for a long time. I didn't just meet this girl I'm trying to fix,although as fras pointed out (he knows another issue of mine all of you dont,at least I think he does.) I HAVE been guilty of that once.

But it is not like that with this girl. She has a wonderful personallity and I love spending time with her,as does litterally everyone else I know. She is a great girl and I genuinlly love and care for her. That is why I try to help. I would love for her to be my gf someday but that is NOT going to happen anytime soon,so those of you that think I'm just trying to get her that way you don't understand or know me!! Im rather disgusted by vashes comment

Quote:

I question his motives, too. Sorry, but it seems extremely unhealthy to look at a girl who has been so badly traumatized and say to yourself "ooh, I'd like to have some of that for myself".

in particular. I dont think of her that way! you dont know me or her and I have NEVER thought anything even remotly like that!
17-02-09, 05:12 PM
Mish

Quote:

Originally Posted by lightning88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And everyone here listenup,I am NOT with her as a bf,there is NOTHING romantic nor am I trying to get that,I most certainly do not have a thought in my head anything like "ill save a peice of that for me" , that really pisses me off like you have no idea,

The reason why some of us think that is because of the things you posted only a few days ago, like

Quote:

Originally Posted by lightning88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm kind of lost and need help. I really want her badly to be my gf but I dont want to be in trouble or be a pedofile. wtf do i do???

I think it's pretty clear that you don't see her as 'just a friend' and I have a feeling that you might be setting yourself and her up for a very dangerous precedent. Maybe I'm not being as understanding as Carl, but never the less I'm trying to help you not only not to dig a legal quagmire hole for yourself, but also not to build up a dangerous level of intimacy that will see you doing the things you are now saying you won't do.

If you are serious when you say that you only want to be with her as a friend, then treat her as you would a guy friend in a similar situation. This means, no more hand holding, no more promises about a future relationship, no more saying how deeply you love her or want to be her bf in time. All of that will not help her and only make her situation more difficult. If you truly are on a selfless mission and you don't expect any 'return on investment 'to help her then I think it's commendable. Just do away with the romantic part and don't lead her to expect anything romantically. You are just a friend who is willing to give a great amount of assistance and nothing more.
17-02-09, 06:41 PM
lightning88

Quote:

If you are serious when you say that you only want to be with her as a friend, then treat her as you would a guy friend in a similar situation. This means, no more hand holding, no more promises about a future relationship, no more saying how deeply you love her or want to be her bf in time. All of that will not help her and only make her situation more difficult. If you truly are on a selfless mission and you don't expect any 'return on investment 'to help her then I think it's commendable. Just do away with the romantic part and don't lead her to expect anything romantically. You are just a friend who is willing to give a great amount of assistance and nothing more.

Its very unfair that you dont post how I ended that thread ,not to mention she is the one that came to me. And basicly I dont care if you believe me,I love her and have not and will not do anything illegall,as of right now we are each others best friends and thats all. we have never even kissed.

Frankly I will hold my best friends hand or hug her if I feel like it ok!,that has nothing to do with what I asked about and I just gave a huge explination that I'm not romanticlly involved with her! I have known this girl since she was 13 and been hugging her since then as well I'm not all the suddon gonna say "I won hug you anymore" wtf kind of friend would I be If I did that shit to her. If you wouldnt do the same for your best friend your no friend at all!

Your also leaving out the fact that she is the one who made me promise not to say no when she is 18 and its my choice.

If you want to say I'm being a knight because I'm trying to save a girl I love and have known a long time from being raped go ahead........I dont give a crap.hows that? I'm done arguing,I told it how it is,I'm not foolish enough to get involved with an underage girl.

But your damn ****ing right,if we are both still single when shes 18 yes I will date her,and thats my ****ing choice.NO I'm not trying to be a knight,as I said I have been there done that shit already. but as carl said I'm not going to change how I feel for her because she has issues Keep in mind I have known and loved this girl as my best friend since before I was 18! You don't know this girl or how sweet/wonderful person she is,it near brings to tears to know shes had to endure what she has,thats how much I love her.(now I'm sure youll twist that to call me a wimp or say I have issues or something along those lines or youll say I don't need a relationship which I'm not in one! As I said!)

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