The thing is we've been together 6 years, and in the beginning, before I realized it would be his response every time, I DID try to communicate, I did tell him what was bothering me, I did do it in the "this is what I'm feeling" calm manner, not an accusatory, "here's what's wrong with you" manner. All the things that have been suggested are things I've done in the past, that yielded horrid, drawn-out conversations that left me feeling worse.
He hasn't the ability to simply hear what's causing me pain, and offer an ounce of compassion. It always turns into him either launching into defense mode, even when I made specific attempts to word it in a way that showed, (should've shown), that I didn't blame him for what I felt, OR he basically tells me I'm stupid to feel the way I do. Why the hell a simple, "I can't say I understand why you're upset, but I'm sorry you're feeling crappy right now...how 'bout a backrub" is like asking for the moon.
I sometimes wonder if his first wife must've been more the blame and yell type, and he got used to that and still reacts towards me the way he would with her. I'm SO not her.