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it sounds like a difficult situation, and it sounds like you really want to love this woman completely, but can't becase something inside you is telling you that she is not 100% YOURS.. i'm less than half your age but if you want my opinion, i think she needs to make a choice. doug or you. that's all. this nonsense will only ever bother you more and more, unless it stops. out of respect for you, if she is marrying you, it should stop.
I concur with with Giga, Blue, & Roller said. This woman may say she loves you, but her actions prove otherwise. You need to tell you will not play second fiddle to someone else. If she truly loved you as she says she does she would not be putting him above you. Just goes to show that some people are never too old for mind games/manipulation. This woman is having her cake & eating it too.
I believe it's time for an ultimatum. Either he goes, or you go. You deserve better than someone who is essentially 2-timing.
I do greatly appreciate all the responses, but OH! I am so incredibly miserable! How could it be that not long ago I discovered what it was to love someone with a love I heretofore had never known even existed, and now find that I can so very sad? I truly gave up so much to be here with her, but what you folks say is, I now can clearly see, so true. I had decided that yesterday I would talk to Kay about her relationship with Doug, but then she began her period and it seemed not the best time to get into emotions. In the evening I did bring up the topic of her marriage and how she started dating Doug and all, and she made further comments that show that she does love this man - and I'm afraid I can see she does love him more than she will ever love me. I whole-heartedly agree with Rollerderby when she said, "You don't want to marry a woman who doesn't put you first in her life." I may love Kay with an incredible love, but I CAN NOT live the rest of my life knowing I'm "second best." Doug casts a very dark shadow. So now I'll wait for the opportunity to talk about this with Kay, but in my heart I'm already preparing to be alone. That sounds so terrible.
Well, it IS terrible, Adrift. This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Breaking up with someone you love just feels unnatural, I know.
The sooner you get past this, though, the sooner you can open yourself up to the right woman. Kay isn't her.
It's hard to leave someone you love.
I can relate but it's a completely different scenario.
But the question is, which is worse... marrying the woman you love and having to keep dealing with this (which I'm sure is great for your sanity) Or going at it alone and dealing with a broken heart?
I wanted to give an update on how things are going in this relatioship. But first I want to say something overly gushy. As noted before, I never knew anyone felt the kind of love I have discovered for Kay. There are times when I am with her that the love I feel is so intense that it's an actual ache. I'm not just being poetic. I feel this ache right in my core (not in my heart, as the songs would say). I've looked around on the internet for other people who love so that it aches, and it seems to be very rare. If I lost this with Kay, a part of me would die. I know I'd go on and probably find someone else, but is it possible to love another after loving anyone with this intense a love?
I took Bluesummer's advice and had a long talk with Kay about her relationship with Doug and how I feel so jealous about it. It was a very good talk. As I reiterated the things she has said about Doug, several times she responded, "Did I say THAT?!" Near the end of the conversation she said Doug is her best friend, as in BEST friend. And she said, "How can you marry your best friend?" She was very clear that she does not have romantic love for Doug, but she does care for him very much. In fact, there are ways she does love him more than she loves me, but she is also clear that she loves me more intensely and more passionately than she does him. So now I have to decide if I can live with this. A couple of weeks ago Kay had a tramautic experience, and Doug was especially supportive of her, and I appreicate him for that. Oh! Lord! I pray this will all work out!
Well,
The best marriages are when your partner is/becomes your best friend.
Granted, these are not all marriages, but I know I want whoever I end up with, to be the rock I stand on for everything.
Friends are friends for different reasons, none of them are alike. I can relate to you, because I am trying to get over a guy I had a very intense love with. We dated a while ago, and it ended up not working because he is bi-polar (and a lot of other shit). He is back in my life a little, and while I love him a lot a part of me wonders if it is truly romantic love. There are different kinds, when someone is more than a friend but less than a lover.
However, since we did date, and were romantic, I can see how any guy I would date, would also view any remainder of that relationship as inappropriate, especially if there are feelings remaining for either party.
Maybe, what you should do, is have a one on one with Doug. But then again, that could only open a can of worms. Especially if he still has feelings for her. Could give him ammo to try to get between.
But, if she isn't willing to choose, you will push her away by trying to make her. Just work on being best friends with her. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.