Problem with girlfriend

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with this. Why are you threatened by hearing other people discuss their religious beliefs? God knows the Christians aren't exactly private about theirs...

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I think there's a miscomm here. I wasn't threatened. It's just my preference not to hear.
Let me provide a metaphor so you could see where I am coming from.
Couples watches porn sometimes together.
Some thinks they do not want to indulge into watching another person's body. Hence they don't and if forced to watch, they get offensive because it becomes their own standard and requirement being broken.

For me, it is just my preference of not listening. I am a buddhist before I was a Christian. I know everything that her mum tells me, not a single one I don't. My dad operates a semi temple when I was young. To listen to all these all over again as though I don't know, irritates me...and it is just my personal preference not to hear.

I believe personal preference has no limitations nor does it need justification. If I don't like to drink coke, then I just don't like to drink coke. You can't say, everyone drinks coke...what's wrong with drinking coke. I just don't want to. Once you force, it becomes offensive. I was forced to listen, because I forewarn her not to involve her mother.

I am a chinese, and we have to shut up when the elderly speaks and just nods, which pisses me even more, because I have to nod to something I don't agree.

I hope you get where I am coming from here. It''s just a personal preference matter. If I have not inform prior, then it's my fault. But if I had, yet the other party knows it would piss me, yet continues to do it, don't you think they have to bear the consequences of upsetting me?

I don't see why it would in any way be disrespectful to say "oh, thank you for your explanation, and I actually know all about that because I was raised buddhist".

in any case, your girlfriend isn't responsible for what her mother says to you.

your girlfriend is right: you are a pussy.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't see why it would in any way be disrespectful to say "oh, thank you for your explanation, and I actually know all about that because I was raised buddhist".

in any case, your girlfriend isn't responsible for what her mother says to you.

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Actually I don't know if you understand what I mean when I say it's my personal preference not to hear these.

1. If I don't like to drink coke, I don't like to drink coke. If I get agitated when I see cockroach, you just can't say cockroach should be ok. Personal preference are subjective. You're basically telling me now that regardless of what my personal preference is, if the norm should be so, then you should be ok with it.

2. My girlfriend may not be responsible for what her mother says. But she is when her mother knows nothing about it, but my girlfriend choose to provoke it by telling her mother that I want to know why buddhist chants. That is not true, I wasn't asking the question and she is just being playful. Yes it may be a joke to her. But it isn't to me. A metaphor here would be like, it may be a joke for me to say Hindus pray to cows....but it won't be for Hindus cause it would be a sacred thing. A joke to one, may be a pain to another. Got to just respect people's preference instead of shoving with what is generally accepted. As I said, especially when I reminded her that I am not ok with it, don't get your mum involved and she ignored it.

Worst thing here is not all those, those anger are forgotten in a while. Worst thing here is when I am about to leave for the night cause it's late and I kiss her good nite, she verbally abused me and say, you go, I don't need a weak man, you're a pussy.

Vashti, you seemed to not see all those points I have mentioned. It is as though you are quite ticked by the fact that I wasn't ok with the religion stuff. May I know what religion you are by the way? Any chance a Hindu or Buddhist?

Now I'm not advocating domestic violence, but I have a solution; punch her in the jaw.

1.) She will shut up.
2.) She wont call you a pussy again.

Sorry, but if a guy spouted off like that, he would get slapped or punched by a man or woman. I don't believe in hitting women ever, but honestly, there are women out there who really should get smacked.....maybe by a female hand though.

Your girlfriend isn't aggressive. She's an antagonizing personality which is worse and a waste of a person really.

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Vashti, you seemed to not see all those points I have mentioned. It is as though you are quite ticked by the fact that I wasn't ok with the religion stuff. May I know what religion you are by the way? Any chance a Hindu or Buddhist?

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No, nice try though. I'm jewish, and I get to hear all about how jesus can save me on a very regular basis. I also get to pray with/for dying christians all the time. Do you think I actually ENJOY hearing about that ? I don't. But do I see it as a reason to be pissy? No.

Another way you can look at people who wish to discuss religion with you is that they find it meaningful, and wish for you to enjoy the same benefits they have. there is no need to be so angry about people wishing a nice thing for you.

Unless you think her mother was intentionally trying to piss you off, I think you should just suck it up like a big boy.... you know - consider her mother's intent.

Although your girlfriend probably shouldn't have invitied your mom to engage in this discussion, you DO sound a little sensitive to me. Also, I am not "quite ticked" about your problem. I am just giving you another perspective.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

your girlfriend is right: you are a pussy.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, nice try though. I'm jewish, and I get to hear all about how jesus can save me on a very regular basis. I also get to pray with/for dying christians all the time. Do you think I actually ENJOY hearing about that ? I don't. But do I see it as a reason to be pissy? No.

Another way you can look at people who wish to discuss religion with you is that they find it meaningful, and wish for you to enjoy the same benefits they have. there is no need to be so angry about people wishing a nice thing for you.

Unless you think her mother was intentionally trying to piss you off, I think you should just suck it up like a big boy.... you know - consider her mother's intent.

Although your girlfriend probably shouldn't have invitied your mom to engage in this discussion, you DO sound a little sensitive to me. Also, I am not "quite ticked" about your problem. I am just giving you another perspective.

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Your point noted. But you still did not see what I mean by personal preference which I actually repeated more than once.

If I should ask you one question, I would really love to hear your answer. Should personal preference be compromised just because the person next to you think you should?

Yea you're a jew, Jesus...and all the rest of the story comes by.
But Christian and Buddhist have this very big difference I don't know if you are into it. Christian in some was believe ( no offence ) that buddhism is a manifestation of the devil. This is why I always tell people that unless you swim in my pool for a month, you wouldn't understand.

We have had our previous arguments on religion. My gf insist, that religion is all about a type of lifestyle. It is nothing about god. It is a way of life, a rule you choose to follow. My faith tells me different thing. My faith forbids lack of consistency. My faith also in some ways, tells me that I should not hold a joss stick. My girlfriend have this obsession about if she can explain it, I should accept it.

My faith tells me that God does not conflict himself and if He say no, it's a no. Holding up joss stick in my faith in my country tells me that it is a form of worship and acknowledgment of that particular "god".

I tell her I wouldn't hold it, she told me then my religion is stuck up and she hates it. She also tells me what she dislikes about christian straight forward but if I do say something not so nice about buddhism, she'd ask me to just shut up else she'd be angry. Yes, in that exact way.

It always comes with threat, as though I should be afraid if she gets angry.
Don't you dare do this, or I would be really angry. Then I'll have to stop. If I do continue, she'd really show me face and start calling me names again to put me down.

Perhaps it is my fault to not furnish this thread with the history. But this isn't just one issue. If this is a one time only matter. I wouldn't be so affected.

Here's a little history if you don't mind reading a long one.

Earlier part of the relationship, she'd call me stupid if I couldn't understand what she is saying. She has this weird accent, that doesn't sound british nor american nor australian in which her brother in law finds it weird cause god knows where that accent comes from. She went to australia for a week and came back having this accent and claims is was from there. Mind you, one week?

Nevermind that. If I were to come back from work sometimes and expresses pressure and say, geez, this is going to get tough, even my CEO is now calling me up to chase me for etc etc.

She'd brush me off by saying...Ha.....big deal. You haven't been through what I've been through. What you're facing is nothing. Grow up.
She didn't even experience what I was talking about but she was quick to judge that what she's doing is far more difficult.

One time we argued, we happen to have a lot of common friends. I asked her, what have you given in this relationship. In which she didn't answer me. Fine. But I got to know from a friend of ours, which copy and paste her answer to me through MSN. Our friend gave her the same question, what do you think you have given in this relationship.

Her answers were : I have to endure his temper, I have to endure his ugliness, and his stupidity.

You call that giving? That isn't even loving. When you love someone, you don't take those as enduring. She is getting out of shape and all I know is if she's going to get fat, I am loving her fats as well.

Besides that, my parents who met her before, burst into disagreement of our relationship. Thinking she's very dominating and all, one time my parents typically call up and asked me to do something bout this girl because they think she's not going to make me happy, in kinda harsh way than how I put.

I put it on speaker she heard it. From that moment onwards, she called my mother a prostitute and my dad a pimp.
That is my parents, what do you expect me to do when you call them so? Agrees with you and say...oh, the prostitute is calling me, hang on. ??

She totally disregard respect in any form and she obviously does not respect my feelings. Yes my parents may be wrong and too quick to judge, but do you need to attack them back verbally in front of me? And when I ask her not to, she told me this : It's a fact, your mother is a prostitute and your father is a pimp. You can't stop me from saying it. They are, and if you don't like it, that's your problem.

She insist we have to go on holiday every 2 months or so. Which means I have to bring her to places at least 6 times per year. When I mentioned to her that I just bought a house, renovation and all would kill me as well....she tells me, then find more money. It's your failure to have those money, don't try to cut on my vacations.

Oh yea, vacations are all fully paid by me. Why? Because according to her, man pays for 100% of expenses. Else, he's not a man. So I asked her if she could at least share a bit, she said NO!

Do I need to add more to the story for you to see the picture? I think it's getting pretty long.

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Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now I'm not advocating domestic violence, but I have a solution; punch her in the jaw.

1.) She will shut up.
2.) She wont call you a pussy again.

Sorry, but if a guy spouted off like that, he would get slapped or punched by a man or woman. I don't believe in hitting women ever, but honestly, there are women out there who really should get smacked.....maybe by a female hand though.

Your girlfriend isn't aggressive. She's an antagonizing personality which is worse and a waste of a person really.

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Pretty funny...haha. But no, as much as I hate this...I lay no hands on any woman. To the most I would do is yell then walk away. Nothing more. I am rigid on what I can and cannot do. Which also causes this problem, I am stern on my believe. There's good there's bad. It all comes in a package.

Haha...

you answered yourself, my friend.

"I can imagine how life would suck for me if I do marry her."

Does anything else really need to be said?

I didn't read your entire last post - it was pretty long, but I DID read about the Christians believing Buddhists are manifestations of the devil. (rolling eyes) They also believe I killed Jesus and won't be going to Heaven. So what? If anything, that sounds to me like a good reason to not want to be Christian.

Listen, the bottom line is that if you take your religion this seriously (and I'm not saying you shouldn't), you really have no business dating anyone who is outside your faith. It will NEVER work, and you are wasting their time. Non-Christians don't really care about whether or not you find hearing about other religious perspectives offensive, because in fact, so many of you guys are so vocal about expressing your own perspectives and seeking converts, which is considered insulting by people of other faiths.

I think you should find a Christian girlfriend.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I didn't read your entire last post - it was pretty long, but I DID read about the Christians believing Buddhists are manifestations of the devil. (rolling eyes) They also believe I killed Jesus and won't be going to Heaven. So what? If anything, that sounds to me like a good reason to not want to be Christian.

Listen, the bottom line is that if you take your religion this seriously (and I'm not saying you shouldn't), you really have no business dating anyone who is outside your faith. It will NEVER work, and you are wasting their time. Non-Christians don't really care about whether or not you find hearing about other religious perspectives offensive, because in fact, so many of you guys are so vocal about expressing your own perspectives and seeking converts, which is considered insulting by people of other faiths.

I think you should find a Christian girlfriend.

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Again I think you get it all wrong. You are somewhat `general' and you still do not see the underlying issues here instead you seemed to focus really a lot on religion. I seriously don't know how to put my finger on it.

I am not that kinda Christian. I take it seriously though and I have my ways of doing things. For the last time I am going to stress on personal preference which again you don't seem to take note. This issue is about personal preference, not about religion. Try to look from this window if you are able to.

I don't preach to her, and we have made a commitment not to preach to each other. I don't go to church anymore if that's a good information for you, all because I have my ways of doing things as well. I even told her that I do not believe in forcing anyone into any religion, if you're happy with yours by all means as long as you're not doing anything morally wrong.

If you would've taken a bit of effort into reading my post, you would've notice my gf is the type that, I can do it to you, but you can't do it to me kind. If something goes wrong its you, if something goes right, it's me.

So Vashti, with all due respect. If you intend to reply to this again, I do hope you read first and digest before you reply again. Because I am taking another guess that you're going to hum on religion again.

I stress this multiplied by one million times. This is not about religion. I can respect hers. It's about her NOT respecting my preference.

I MUST repeat my metaphor. If I don't like Coke, I don't like Coke. I am not converting her. I am not converting anyone. I am just living the life I have set for myself. And it's a simple request to ask for respect. The respect here is :

1: When I say I don't like, you don't need to do it cause it's not neccesary and it doesn't harm you if you don't ask your mum to get involved..

2. If I do get angry about it when you disrespect my preferences, then you shouldn't use abusive words to label me such as pussy.

Now Vashti. If you happen to have a spouse or parent. What justifies them calling you a screwed up bi-ch? When you really upset them? Or when you broke their favourite vase?

My answer should be, NONE. When you love someone, you don't hurl hurtful labels at them. If you did it at the spur of moment, have the courage to apologize and explain you said it because it was an impulsive move and it would not happened again, and if I wasn't happy with you next time, I'd sit and talk with you about it like a mature adult. NOT name calling.

Vashti. Do you get the point now? I think I better state it down just in case you link it to religion again. I stress, the religion issue here, happens just because it happens. It is not the main issue.
My issues are :

RESPECT MY PREFERENCE. AND NO NAME CALLING. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH MY ACTIONS. TALK TO ME LIKE AN ADULT. NOT CALL PEOPLE A FUC-ER OR BI-CH OR PUSSY AND HOPE IT GET'S RESOLVED.

If this is the way and Vashti if you condone to this, seriously...we should be battling each other now with name calling instead of trying to talk like adults and state our points.

Finally, please.....my point is not about the religion. You just don't seem to get it, or you just want to focus on religion. You're making me suspect now that you really have something against christians. Cause otherwise, why are you on the religion issue for this long? When was it that I stress that this is about our clash in religion and how I dislike her being a buddhist? Which part of my message makes you misunderstand that? Kindly reiterate so I could apologize and fix that.

By the way, again...your last posting says : "I didn't read your entire last post - it was pretty long, but I DID read about the Christians believing Buddhists....."

Don't you think you're reading what you want to read, you know it's a long post but you would pick up religion instantly to talk about but not the rest of other stuffs.
If christians have offended you in your life, I am sorry about it. I would agree with you, there are idiotic christians as well. It's not bout the religion, it's about the people. That is why I stop going to church anyways, because I understand how human can suck. So Vashti, could you forgive those christians at this point of life if they have offended you or anything and let them go, in return, don't talk bout religion with me on your next reply again? Instead tell me do you think if a woman should call her man pussy, stupid, etc..the rest of some degrading names when they feel like they should?

That was my point. Try to get to there if you can....even if it takes you longer to understand, it's fine with me. But try to get the point. It is as though I am serving you a quarter of roast chicken with sauces, salads, and potatoes and you keep telling me that the color of the plate sucks. And when I ask how does the chicken or the sauce or even the salad taste like, you tell me the color of the plate just doesn't cut it.

I am kinda in a frustrating mode already, so if you could help....I'd be thankful, if you couldn't....I wouldn't call you an idiot just cause you couldn't. It's your prerogative.

This is a communication and respect problem.

Now, Onemess, you need to understand the difference b/t preference and issues that *must* be discussed.

Generally, there are topics that are important for couples to discuss and agree on. Or, at least agree to disagree.

Money, children, religion, values, life goals. These are the big 5.

So, while I understand your point about not drinking Coke being a preference, its not in the same class as a discussion about any of the topics above. Coke vs. Pespi isn't as hot a topic as what religion your children will be. Unless you are an exec for Coca Cola.

If you and your lady don't have any mechanisms for having discussions about those topics, then one or both of you have a serious communication problem. No way would I advise you get married.

Here is a path I suggest when dealing with communication style problems:

- Say what you want to say (make your points, don't react to other person)
- Stay on one topic and stick to the point
- Respect the other person - avoid judgments
- Keep your nonverbal communication consistent with your verbal
message (no angry body posture, try to sit facing each other)
- Make observations (describe your own perceptions, don't interpret for the other party)
- State your feelings and needs ("I need, I feel, I think"... etc)
- Request a specific positive change if necessary (not a demand)
- Keep body language consistent with your message (open, loving, not hostile)

You geting offended hearin about Buddhism is just flat out idiotic. Being a Christian does not mean you have to get angry when you hear about other religions or be intolerant. If you act that way towards other people's beliefs you are going to cause friction and frankly, it's dumb. Closin your ears when you hear people talk about another religion does not make you a better Christian.

That said, your relationship win your girlfriend is not healthy. You have these ridiculous quirks and she likes to exploit your weaknesses. That's not exactly a good couple. You need to find a healthier relationship, and also to learn to listen to people with different beliefs, that does not mean that you change your beliefs, only that you act tolerant.

You know, I had a lot more sympathy for you before you started reporting other posters for being "offensive". It would be impossible not to offend you. You were offended when you woke up this morning and I'm sure you've been looking for people to blame it on all day.

You're ridiculous. If you don't want to hear about Buddhism, don't hang around with Buddhists.

Duh.

I think you need to learn how to deal with stress more effectively. You sound like you're about to have a ****ing aneurysm and you are just LOOKING for a fight with absolutely everyone.

Don't bother reporting me for offending you.

"RESPECT MY PREFERENCE. AND NO NAME CALLING. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH MY ACTIONS. TALK TO ME LIKE AN ADULT. NOT CALL PEOPLE A FUC-ER OR BI-CH OR PUSSY AND HOPE IT GET'S RESOLVED."

The respect issue is mutual, by being offended when she states her beliefs, you are offending her constantly. You simply act around it by saying that it's better not to talk about it, while she constantly feels judged by you.

Secondly, your preference is her complete silence on an issue of high importance to her. It's one thing to tell her: "just so you know, I'm no a Buddhist anymore so I'd rather not talk about the things, but I respect you beliefs" compared to "I am a Christian so do not talk about Buddhism around me." The latter is disrespectful.

You girlfriend is acting very childish with you, she constantly baits you and the verbal abuse is uncalled for. However, you have to understand where this childish impulse co
es from, it comes from her disagreeing with you belief that no religion but Christianity can be talked about around you.

Either you let go of this command that other religions cannot be discussed or her will continue to be friction about this issue.

You both feel disrespected. She feels you are disrespecting ber religion with the way you respond to each instance of her religion being mentioned, and you feel disrespected because she will bring her religion up. At the end of the day, this is what happens wh you want you partner to give up a freedom (discussing religion).

You need to compromise at some point on this issue of talking about religion.

That said, I still think your relationship is unhealthy. If she constantly swears at you k owing I offends you, then you will have many fights in the future about issues other than religion and they will end up the same way. This relationship is not healthy.