Time for "the we need to talk" approach.
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Time for "the we need to talk" approach.
I can't count the number of ways in which she's treating you like shit. You should be sick of it. She apologizes, says she won't do it again, and then does it again. You should stop caring about her feelings and just break up with her. If she comes crying with the "Oh, but I love you!" card, again, you can put up a pretty good argument that actually--no, she does not. If she says she will change, just say you've heard it before, and have no reason to believe her.
You are right, it really is time for the "we need to talk approach". Now I just need to get her to meet me.Quote:
Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Why when I know all this do I still keep hanging on, there doesn't seem to be any logic. Ironcially I am happy when I haven't heard form her, I have it clear in my mind that I need to end it. As soon as I hear from her though I start to doubt, I am up and down all the time. I actually dread hearing from her at the moment as I don't know where I stand, it should not be like this. I should want to hear form her and not feel sick when I get a message. This is just ridiculous.Quote:
Originally Posted by SirWagginston [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
S
You keep hanging on because the feeling of love releases powerful mood-altering chemicals in the brain. These chemicals are capable of radically altering your mental structure, such that a dependence is formed. When your relationship becomes unhealthy, such that you are convinced of love that does not truly exist, that dependence turns into an addiction. You need to fight it, and realizing the nature of the enemy is the most important step. Stay conscious of yourself, and understand what is happening in your mind.
I still haven't bought into the whole chemical business and I'm a BioChem nerd. It makes sense though and logically it does too. You want this so badly, she made you feel the way you feel for her now at some point and are desperate to have that back. But the longer you are in this, the less likely that becomes. Why be the person she was when she has you regardless of how she acts? When you guys were apart and back together, things were great for a little while right? You do need to be apart but for a longer, longer period of time in which there is no set time constraints. Time for self reflection and growth and maturity to happen on her part which won't happen unless she faces the music. If you don't get back together....well I don't know what to tell you. It had to be done, but there is risk involved. Isn't the risk greater than the reward here?
I just feel like your odds are much better once she has enough time on her own to realize how good you have been to her. That's if she has strong feelings for you. If she doesn't you are doing yourself a favor by getting out of this and getting you on your own road to recovery and happiness.
I had never thought about it like that, I do keep remembering what she was like which is why I am so conflicted as I know things can be amazing. Last time we split I put a lot of the blame on myself and I have really tried to change for the better (not for her but for me as it was something I was determined to do next time I was in a relationship), however she is still the same as she was when we split and I realise how much I put up with before when it got bad.
The only way out of this is to tell her how I feel and I am guessing that is going to probablly end the relationship as it stands now, it is true though the longer this goes on the less and less I want to be with her as I am just getting fed up with being treated like a emotional punching bag. What ever happens as it stands now the risk for in the future even us being able to salvage a friendship out of this is far greater than feeling so bad all the time and not knowing where I stand. If we break and she never comes back then so be it, wasn't meant to be I guess.
This is of course all easy to say, I know what I need to do but that is not going to make this easier. She must surely know on some level, unless of course she assumes that I am just going to sit and take it again in which case then she will have a shock.
She has asked me if I want to meet up and go on a date this week which I have agreed to, I just now need to suck it up and sit her down a talk to her. Thinking best first thing in the evening when we first meet up otherwise I am going to let it build and not be able to talk to her, that and it's not fair at the end of the evening as no doubt she will have something to say and if it is a long conversation then our date plans can easily be dropped. I just need to make sure I don't chicken out, the worst that could possibly happen I suppose is she shouts at me, tells me she never wants to see me again and I end up feeling like crap. Well I feel like crap anyway so thats no change, I have also been on the recieveing end of the whole hate thing before (though because I didn't express how i felt before) so I know what that is like. Either way thats better than the alternative as at least after that things start to get better, at the moment there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
It has got to be bad though as so far I don't think one of my friends has told me to stay and have all said just end it, that has got to say something.
Thank you again for the advice, no doubt I will be back with news of how it goes shortly.
S
Well I did it, met up with her the other night and told her how I felt.
She was a lot happier than I had seen her in a while which made it all the more difficult as it seems that she has actually been trying to get herself sorted this time. Still I told her how I felt, said that even though I know that she needs some time at the moment as she is working on a lot of stuff in her own life it is not fair on me just to completely ignore me and not give me any clue of what is going on or that she still cares. I didn't bring up the subject of the other guy as when seeing her I get the feeling that there is nothing going on between them, not happy that she still sees him but was not the time to bring it up.
Either way she knows how I feel and that I am not prepeared to just sit and have her ignore me, if she is working on personal issues fine but just something to let me know what is happening is all I ask so I don't sit and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what is happening. On a plus note she did quickly call (not text, actually call) a couple of days after to say that she has some more stuff to work on and may be quite again for anohter week but the following week we can meet up and do something fun together. So a result there as it looks as if she is at least considering how I feel.
I suppose only time will tell now, not an ideal situation as I am still kind of helpless and some of the spark has gone with all the stress but at least it is a more positive result than I thought. I hope I am doing the right thing hanging around but it seems only fair that I wait a little longer to see when she starts to get her own issues sorted and starts focusing on our relationship if there is something that can be salvaged. If it turns out there isn't then at least I can say I gave it a fair chance and don't have to wonder "what if" in the future.
Thank you for all the advice,
S
Well I am back again, quite funny reading the last post I made. It has been the two weeks since we last met and last night was the night we were getting together to do something fun.
Needless to say that did not happen, heard from her Monday asking if we were still meeting Wednesday and that she wanted to come over here (we live in two different towns, not far away though) which kind of made me think that soemthing was up, followed by yesterday her saying about meeting for a quite drink and chat instead of going out somewhere. Well you can probablly see where this was going.
Needless to say we sat down and broke up. Sat and spoke for a while, wasn't too bad considering. I then gave her a lift back, didn't want her to have to take a train as I know she was upset. Everything was fine until it was time to say goodbye and then it got really hard. We were both in tears, just felt so bad.
I know it was the right thing as I was not happy and neither was she. Trying to cling on to something that wasn't there was tearing me apart and I imagine it was the same for her.
Last night when I got back I didn't feel too bad, the journey back let me clear my head a bit and I suppose I was just numb from it all. The relief of not knowing what I was doing and constantly being worried kind of offset the upset.
Today however is a different story, I just feel so empty and upset. I really miss her as it is now over and it has kind of left a big hole. I have really wanted to call her, send her a message or something to tell her I still care but I am not going too as it is not going to help anything. She knows that I still care for her a lot and from her reactions last night I know she feels the same, it is just not meant to be as there was no spark or passion left in our relationship. It doesn't make it any easier though. Even harder was when we spoke about everthing that happened and she told me part of her wish she had stayed living with me instead of moving out which was the first time in all the time we had been together she had ever said anything like that.
I am sure this will get easier as time goes on but I feel dreadful at the moment, I wish there was something that could have been done to prevent all this but looking back this has been coming for a while now. I need to make sure I resit the temptation to call her or try and get in touch. I do need to ask her address as some mail has arrived this morning (sometimes the universe seems to like to torment you doesn't it) so will need to forward it on but that will be the limit of my contact.
At least with things ending the way they did there are no negative feeling towards her and if we ever meet in the future it would be nice to say hello and I don't htink it would be too awkward.
Thank you for all the advice, it has been much appreciated. The road to recovery for me now I guess.
S
I agree with the others - you should never accept the way that she was treating you.
Breaking up is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Now you need to fill up your time so you dont think about her all the time - make plans to go out with other friends, get a new hobby etc.
DON'T make up with her !
All the best !!