GF feels guilty and not good enough, broke up with me.

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23-09-11, 12:55 AM
lna

I know it sounds counter intuitive man but you gotta show her what is life without you! She'll realize what she's missing! I wrote you about my situation and yeah... i think this is kinda similar... She feels too sure about you.. she knows she's not gonna lose you.. you gotta install a fear of loss in her mind.. she'll go nuts!
23-09-11, 01:56 AM
DutchYankee112

Quote:

Originally Posted by lna [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know it sounds counter intuitive man but you gotta show her what is life without you! She'll realize what she's missing! I wrote you about my situation and yeah... i think this is kinda similar... She feels too sure about you.. she knows she's not gonna lose you.. you gotta install a fear of loss in her mind.. she'll go nuts!

Does that really work in the situation where she feels i will be happier without her and she's just holding me back, and that she's not special? Now i know people often say "but my case is different!" but eeeh, her reasons for breaking up are not that she was unhappy or bored with me, or that i had too many flaws.

At the moment i think the only way to get her back is if she misses me, has tiny bits of positive interaction with me and knows she can have more if she comes to me to talk about "us", and we'll talk through the self-esteem/guilt problems she is having.

How come i suddenly feel it's like teaching a dog a new trick and rewarding it with a doggy treat?....

EDIT: heh...doggy....*mind in gutter*
23-09-11, 02:30 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

I do think that lna's advice will work, but only if she's telling the truth, which I don't think she is. I think she's got another guy, whether she's cheated on you or not. Either way, ignoring her is the way to go. When she asks why, tell her you're open to trying again, but you won't communicate with her anymore unless she explicitly says she wants to try the relationship again.
24-09-11, 09:57 AM
DutchYankee112

Well the past 24 hours i have been pulling back and going LC.

It's kinda funny to see how on dating advice forums like these the prevelant advice for my situation seems to be to go NC/LC stance. When i posted the exact same thread on the relationship sections of depression and mental health forums the general advice seems to be to give affection and tell her i love/miss her and be there for her once she wants to talk about the problem and work towards fixing it.
24-09-11, 10:02 AM
IndiReloaded

Sure, if you don't mind being her emotional tampon for the duration of your relationship. If you really care for her, do it. But I hope you have a plan for getting some reciprocity at some point or you are in for a lonely road.
24-09-11, 10:19 AM
DutchYankee112

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sure, if you don't mind being her emotional tampon for the duration of your relationship. If you really care for her, do it. But I hope you have a plan for getting some reciprocity at some point or you are in for a lonely road.

True, hench the LC now.
24-09-11, 12:27 PM
ms_law

Is it just me or does his situation sorta remind you of 500 Days of Summer?
24-09-11, 10:05 PM
DutchYankee112

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms_law [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is it just me or does his situation sorta remind you of 500 Days of Summer?

I have no idea what 500 days of summer is sorry.
25-09-11, 09:03 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

About 2 months ago my then GF of 3 years broke up with me.

Her reasons for breaking up with me were that she felt guilty over certain circumstances in our relationship, and one day when i was talking to a lady friend of mine that reminded her of herself she realised i could easily get another girl without the circumstances she feels guilty over.

What circumstances? Sounds like they're significant. She's obviously got some self-esteem issues as well... I mean, so what if you could get another girl? I could get another woman, but I don't want to, my wife is the one I want.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now these circumstances she feels guilty about are the long distance which will require me to sooner or later give up my life here and move to her side of the country.
The second thing she feels guilty about are her mental issues (phobias) which cause her to be afraid of moving the relationship to the next level, that being me moving and her living in with me. So she feels she is holding me back till she's ready for that.

That's not really for her to decide, is it? Sounds very controlling of your behavior to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For the past 2 months we have basically been "friends-with-benefits" and every time i try to talk with her about it, which is about once or twice a week, she seems to close up and be resistant about it.

Perhaps you should take a hint. She doesn't want anything beyond FWB.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, about 2 weeks ago i figured it was time to cut back on the affection, intimacy and attention i give her. The effect on her was almost immediate, she was already suffering from a depression and this made it worse till she started having thoughts about selfharming. So she went to her therapist who talked her through it. I am unclear about the details but she said the therapist concluded she still wants my love and feels even more worthless without it.

This is passive-aggressive game-playing bullshit. Your affection isn't a carrot or a whip, and she's not a mule to be driven where you want her to go. It also damn sure doesn't help her insecurity, does it? Knock it off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So i dropped the "low contact" approach for a week to give her time to stabilize. Now she seems more stable and tonight i talked to her about it and she said that she currently feels it's unlikely we'll be a couple again in the future but that every time she got close to wanting to talk about fixing things i already beat her to it and brought it up ahead of time which she said seemed to "reset" her wish to want to talk about it. It's kinda hard to not bring it up for me. When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

This is controlling behavior on her part. You should pay especial attention to the part I've bolded for you - take it to heart. Sounds to me as if she's doing some pretty clear communicating, and then trying to soothe you so you'll keep living with the status quo.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now i am doubting what to do. I think i can either be supportive of her and keep giving her love and attention, and having it mostly returned, and wait for her to bring up the subject of fixing our relationship. I might run the risk of being a crutch till she starts dating others.

I think it's pretty clear what you should do... cut ties. If she's really into you and really does want you after all, she'll let you know. Don't be mean about it, just tell her you can't live with the relationship the way it is, and tell her that you think you're better off apart. After that, DO NOT accept anything less from her than what you want, relationship-wise. Don't let her suck you back into an emotionally unsatisfying relationship with the hope that it'll become more than it is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchYankee112 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Or i can pull back and let her miss me and 'starve' her of attention/affection/intimacy till she wants to talk about fixing her reasons for breaking up with me. But i might run the risk of her jumping into a rebound relationship insted. Me pulling back last time actually made her think her feelings of being nothing special were confirmed.

No, don't play anymore stupid games. That is just going to hurt the relationship more in the long run.

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