I need some advice on how to get her back

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Originally Posted by Mishanya

Through past experienced i've noticed that only through a good friendship do you ever have a chance of getting the girl back. E.g. Being there to support her when noone else is there for her is a good way to start the ball rolling again :)

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It's a bad idea to get caught up with trying to get someone back though. If you get over someone in order to become good friends (which is near on impossible) you won't want them back anyway. If you still want them back, you're not over them and therefore shouldn't even be attempting friendship.

I made this mistake with an ex of mine. Tried to be there for her and be a good friend for months and months, even though it was pretty obvious she wouldn't ever want to have another go with the relationship. She used to get my hopes up all the time (not sure whether this was intentional) and then dash them moments later.

Girls don't forget if you f**k up, and they won't take you back unless they feel very strongly for you. I screwed up big time so I should've realised it was a lost cause. :bored:

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Originally Posted by equivo

If you get over someone in order to become good friends (which is near on impossible) you won't want them back anyway. If you still want them back, you're not over them and therefore shouldn't even be attempting friendship.

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Yeah, I don't think I can convince myself that I'll be ok only being friends, so I should probably avoid that approach. Thanks for making me see that.

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Originally Posted by equivo

Girls don't forget if you f**k up, and they won't take you back unless they feel very strongly for you.

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I really hope that her feelings for me are strong enough.

First of all, I'm glad some of my advice was finally of use to someone :)

It's good to have some hope man but seriously don't count on anything happening with her. I'm sure that deep down you still think it can work out, so you've got to try really hard to convince yourself that it will never, ever work. This is the only way you can start to move on quicker. It's extremely difficult to do this and no doubt you don't want to give up all hope, but really its the best way.

It's a win-win situation if you can do this because if she doesn't want you back you'll get over it that little bit quicker, and if she does then its all good anyway.

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Originally Posted by equivo

It's a win-win situation if you can do this because if she doesn't want you back you'll get over it that little bit quicker, and if she does then its all good anyway.

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Yeah, I guess you're right. There is no harm that can come by trying to get over her as quickly as possible. The sooner I can do that the better. Then I'll be able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I'm sure I need to do that before I can expect her to forgive me.

"It's a bad idea to get caught up with trying to get someone back though. If you get over someone in order to become good friends (which is near on impossible) you won't want them back anyway. If you still want them back, you're not over them and therefore shouldn't even be attempting friendship." by equivo

I see your point. But i take a more positive approach. Which is, why should you loose a friend just because the relationship didn't work out? I'm not saying become friends to intentially get them back, but just be there, stay in touch, be there for her when she needs support and who knows what will happen in the future. But yes, being over the person is neccessary, otherwise you can't pursue a good friendship (Your feelings will always get in the way).

I think this approach is much better and more productive than just saying "That's it, from now on i'm never seeing her again", because who is really benefiting from that? And friendships after break ups do work by the way. And people do get back together sometimes. By the way, being friends with your ex doesn't mean you yourself cant pursue relationships with others! But it's CircleC's life, so the choice is really up to him...

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Originally Posted by Mishanya

I think this approach is much better and more productive than just saying "That's it, from now on i'm never seeing her again", because who is really benefiting from that? And friendships after break ups do work by the way. And people do get back together sometimes.

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Yeah, you are right about that too I think. I just can't be the person who makes it known that I want to be friends. I will be here for her if she every wants me to be. I won't turn away from her, but I'll be careful because I know I'm not over her yet. I guess it all comes down to the ball being in her court and I just need to keep on going with my life.

CircleC----She probably didn't understand why you pushed her away. It's not a lost cause though. Give her some time. She might forgive you in about 6months. Stranger things have been known to happen!

So cheer up. Mishanya's right. Be a friend to her.

Yeah you're right, its probably not a completely lost cause forever. But I'd say pretty close. You're right that she doesn't understand why I pushed her away and I don't think she wants to understand at this point. I found out today that she is interested in getting closer with the friend she was with saturday morning. I think I'm realizing that she can move very quickly from guy to guy. I'm considering myself just another guy in her life now and nothing much special.

well obviously you have had alot of things going on in your life recently and she may not fully understand that. Although I think this relationship is lost. She did see a side of you that probably isn't the normal you, but it probably gave her the idea that's how you are no matter what you tried to explain to her. I think you do need to give her some space here. In the meantime I would try and wrok out your own feelings towards everything that's going on so that you can be stronger in the long run. You need to find a way out of all this depression and what better time then now?

there is no better time than now. :)

today was much better and I'm letting my thoughts of her fade quite a bit. My worst quality is that I hold on to anything that hurts for way way way too long. I'm working on it though.

It sounds like you are. I know these things aren't easy hun, But it looks like your doing a good job. Keep it up and you'll be better than new!

Thanks Rosebud.

No prob! Good luck to you ok! Trust me I've been through a lot of rough things too and even though it doesn't look like it sometimes, you do get through these things and things do get better. Besides, it makes you a better person for going through all this and learning from it all.

Hey friend... I want to tell you about my experience...
I was in a relationship.. after 4 months, she dumped me... I came here, and posted in the love forums, I learned the process of not contacting her.... after around 4 months, she had a lot of free time, she started thinking of me all the time, she finally returned, with more passion than before....

Maybe its my case.... but what I want to tell you, after no contact period, I really started to move on and forget her... In the time that I started forgetting her, she returned...
good luck

Thanks for sharing that experience Harmony.

LoveForum has really helped me too. I'm 28 and this is really the first time I feel like I've been able to get something off my chest before it gets out of hand. Everyone has really helped me stay calm and see things clearly. And it feels great to be able to give other people advice when I can.

I'm cool with the no contact period, I have alot of growing to do too. But we did talk today. She called work to check on something and we ended up chatting for about ten minutes about silly stuff that happens at the store. It really made me feel great because I wanted to know if she still even cared and she proved that she does. Thanks to the patience I gained from expressing myself on here. The knot untwisted in my stomach after the conversation and my day became as productive as it normally is. Thanks LF.