Separated and still in the same house

Good for you J.P

Remember, when you start to get a little down, get a grip. Your doing the right thing here. This upcoming Holiday is just what you need. Put some distance between you and all you have endured. Meet some new people, relax, rejoice because this is the next stage of your life, your way...

and know this. If she does have someone over, it is to bother you. So know it's a play to hurt you and don't allow it to too much. Sure, it'll hurt, of course it will but it is a manipulation tactic. Don't give it too much or your fueling her fire and letting her control and dang John, too many years you've been under her thumb. That's not what a relationship of love is about.

I wish for you to meet a lady who wants to know your girls, who encourages Family and friend time, who doesn't try to control you by making you feel bad about yourself; some one who doesn't put you down but encourages you to fly

and when your feeling alone and the hopeless doubts dubiously return, remember all of us, your anonymous cyber space amigos who cheered you on and confirmed your need and right to a Life. Your doing the right thing. everything will be alright; just get on that plane and start the first day of the rest of your life.

Excellent news John, Am sure you will enjoy Sharm. So long as you don't go there dwelling on what she may be thinking, what she is doing, what if, etc. You are making the first steps to going it alone and forget all about her. If you start to feel sad or down that you are alone, make friends with others there, chat to the waiters, swim, read a book, join in the pool antics etc....FORGET anything other than YOU. Just make sure all the legalities are in place before you go so that IF she decides to change locks or anything, she will be doing in unlawfully!

There are plenty of women who are not manipulating like this one. Its over John, forget her and don't think OH but she was good at such and such. NO, NO, NO, you know what you want, stay strong and you will get it. I promise you, been there, done that and you will not regret moving on....what's the saying (you are good at them) the only thing to fear is fear itself? something like that. Don't look back John, move forward! Have fun in Sharm - I LOVE it Katy

Here is a pic of me just before the split, and now. Although I was smiling for the before photo, it wasn't a very good smile. Lets see if I can put a smile on the after photo. I will post a link to me in Egypt on my return of me having fun on my own. I look at these pics and can't believe how I let myelf go. I was just so sad and depressed. Im sad and depressed now, but I had no hope back then, where as now I do.


[url]https://www.flickr.com/photos/120483222@N02/15822375131/in/photostream/[/url]

26 Nov 14

I am about to go away on my trip today, and I told my wife this morning that I am spending a few days away from everyone, family and friends. Well her face turned white and dropped, and she said “well I’m really pissed off to be honest, again I’m left here on my own, I can’t afford to be driving up and down the motorway (but she afford to be spending a fortune on new clothes and going out with her mates), and where are you getting your money from?”

I told her I didn’t expect her to react like that, as we are no longer together, and said I just needed time to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and just got in the car and left, but that is not the guy I am, and I suppose that is how I ended up here like this.

She stopped talking and then left the room and has hardly spoken to me in the last hours, just given me dirty looks really. I have asked if she wanted a coffee or something to eat, but she declined, and I can understand that I suppose.

I heard her crying in the bathroom and it has made me feel quite sad, I don’t like to see her hurt, and yet when she has seen my cry these last months, she has cheered up. We have an arrangement here at the house while we are both here. I take care of the fires and the outside and maintenance, my own room and washing, and all the household bills, and she takes care of the house, her room, and buys the shopping. It is a good system I feel and it works at this time.

Today she has ordered a lot of shopping, and some really nice things that I like, and I feel really crappy that she has done this for me and now I am leaving. She has also been quite nice lately, and a bit too nice at times for me to be happy with, as she knows I am suffering as I know she feels she could ask me back at any time and I would get back in heartbeat. She knows I hurt, and yet dances around the house, singing and laughing on the phone to her friends, while being hardly dressed. She has also stayed away from home 3 nights this week at different friends.

She has told me lots of times to never tell her where I am going or where I have been, and I never do, but she tells me every time what she is doing. Although she tells me she stayed at her mates watching movies, or having dinner with a friend, or stayed at her sisters. I don’t think this is the case, and really, I’m don’t feel all that bothered even if it isn’t the case. I just find it weird that she would tell me like she does.

I had my first hour with a therapist last week, and she told me this is like she is trying to show me that she isn’t seeing anyone else, so she can make me feel there is still a chance and this is yet another tactic for control. After telling my therapist what I was going through, and bawling my eyes out to her, she told me that I was the first man she has seen in this situation. She said she knew it happens, but now she has seen how it is just as devastating. She said it is nothing short of domestic abuse and she will help me all she can, she is looking into getting me CBT.

My wife hasn’t make one bit of effort to work things out, not a single remark or look that would make me feel she was in the least bit interested, and I do feel that if she has something to say, she will say it. To best describe how I am feeling today and have been feeling with regard to this time away, I would say it is like I have been in a prison sell for 8 years, with a really nasty jailer locking me in at night. Only this time, the jailer has forgotten to lock the door. I feel scared to go through the door, even though there is a chance of freedom, because I also feel there is a chance of punishment. I know that sounds weird, but would anyone feel they could safely leave the cell after all that time.

But anyway, aside from all that, I do feel much better about myself, and I do have plans for my future without her. I just feel a bit sad also today because I am leaving her home without me and after she bought all those nice things today. But, I have arranged to take my daughters out for dinner tonight and they are really looking forward to it, then I am on a plane to Egypt. God only knows what I will come back to though. But then, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, it is over.


It is now maybe less than a couple of hours since I wrote that first bit here, and I ma sat on my bed using my laptop. She has just entered my room and started having a go at me. She asked where I was going and I told her it was none of her business. She told me that it was a nighmare here and she was trying to make the best of it by being here for me so that I wasn't alone.

I told her that she had been out 3 nights this last week and never told me she was staying out, and I said that that was hardly thinking about me being alone. She said her mum and dad said she could stay there this week while they were away, and that she told them no because she didn't want me to feel lonely. She told me I gave her short notice leaving today and now she can't make arrangments for anyone to stay over with her and how I know she hates being alone here.

I asked her why she was getting so load and angry when she didn't want me anyway and that Im not here to just keep her company. I told her that we shouldn't be argueing like we are still together, and she said the reason we aren't together was because of me. I said leave my room, and she did. I must pack the rest of my stuff and get out in the next hour or she will keep at me I know it. I packed a suitcase earlier in the week that I bought new, and I left at my mothers house, so I only have a small bag to pack now.

I knew this would be hard, but I suppose it is as hard as I will let her make it. Im even more looking forward to getting on that plane now.

Good on you J.P

Keep going to those sessions. The added support is what you need and a therapist's insight will indeed bode well for you.

Yes yes, get on that plane and go have some well earned fun!

Do not allow anyone to ever control you again. Ever.

Positive side? You now know many signs of a controlling personality and can break the mold, cut the cycle/pattern.

I am very stoked for you and all you've done. How very cool indeed. Keep it up.

As you know John, she is still being manipulative and will never change. Everything seems geared to make you feel as bad as you can. Its bordering on evil to be honest. Even the buying of food you like? Carrot? donkey? Her claims that it is unfair leaving her alone (when she ignores you anyway). She knows you wish things were different and it makes you sad but instead of trying to help, she is trying to make you feel worse! There's no remorse for the way she's treated you and your daughters, only remorse that her reign of terror is coming to an end!

Walk away and onto that plane and try to put it all behind you. What do you come back to? Who knows but hopefully.....not her!

All the best Katy x

30 Nov 14

Hi, just up in the middle of the night waiting for my pick up for my snorkelling on some reefs, and I thought I would let my “cyber friends” know how I am getting along.
Firstly I have to tell you that I have not been able to completely remove her from my thoughts, as I do still feel like an escaped prisoner awaiting re-capture. But, I have been feeling better than I have felt in years, and I am having a great time here.

On my first day on Thursday after arriving at 6pm, I met another guy who was having a break on his own, 2 guys from Liverpool out to chill, and a young couple, and we all got on and partied until the early hours, for 3 nights now.

With one of the guys and I have booked to fly to see the pyramids, sphinx, and a trip on the Nile, and I am really looking forward to it. I have had plenty of time to myself too, with swimming in the sea each morning, working out in the gym, and going for long walks and just relaxing.

This really is, just what I needed. My daughters have been sending me messages and are thrilled about my turnaround to date. I took them out for dinner the night before I flew and we had a really great time. I am such a lucky guy to have such wonderful daughters and supporting family.

As to be expected, I have received emails from her, all sent yesterday and last night. And all geared at blaming me for everything, and in an attempt to get a rise. I see it now as a control method, a way of seemingly pushing me away, but really, drawing me in, and I know now just how to handle it, I simply didn’t respond. She can’t even let me have some time to myself even now we are not a couple. When I first read them, and just for a few minutes, I felt my nerves go and had that feeling of being the bad guy. But it was only for a minute or two.

But, I am good, I am really good, and I am so looking forward to living my life the way I want to live it, and yes, I do see where I have gone so wrong and I do feel I know how to never let myself get into a situation like this again. It’s all good. “carrot and donkey” so funny and so true, I never saw it like that.
I have switched my phone off and removed the sim card for this trip, and only use Email.

Her Email 1: “I need you to ring me please.”

Her Email 2: “Steve I've got to say you have reached an all time low. Your lack of consideration knows no boundaries & I simply can't do this anymore. You know how upsetting it is to be stuck here alone & you also know how much worse that is for me. You cannot be straight with me about anything. I'm not trying to stop you from moving on with your life. You are the one making things difficult & continue to torture me on a daily basis.“

Her Email 3: “You keep accusing me of not treating you like a husband and yet you fail to treat me like a fellow human. I don't know where you are, what you are doing, who you are with or when you intend to come back if at all. It's none of my business what you do anymore yet you are placing restrictions on me & stopping me from having even basic human company. You know what you’re doing & it's all for effect & I don't know what it is you could possibly hope to achieve. I want to reduce the price on the house again & need to speak to you about what is going to happen over the coming weeks because this cannot continue. A response would be appreciated.”

Her Email 4: “Tell me where you are. Tell me why you have turned your phone off. I still love you & am worried sick about you. I was going to call your mum today but didn't know what kind of reception I'd get. This just isn't fair if you had ever thought beyond your own nose we would never have got to this. It's exactly this kind of thing that messed us up. You're not able to express yourself & that leaves everything so cold. You need to call me.”

Her Email 5: “When are you coming back?”

My Response: "I am fine and having time to myself, I will let you know at least a day or two before I am to return"

Then today she emails to say "are you OK?", I replied again and said "Im fine thank you"

I just feel I have to respond in some way so I did, and I do think if fair I at least say Im OK.

Three words: "block" "and" "delete"

Glad you're having a good time.

I second that notion.

and am thrilled your strutting your stuff.

J.P

When you return, she's going throw allot of stuff at you. (not physically, well, hopefully not) but tactic wise, manipulation and such. Be ready for it. Hold strong and don't fall for it.
I always find it hard to encourage a break up but in your case, after all she has done from the controlling to keeping you away from your children and everything in between, you must keep to your path towards freedom.
Rise above the rise she'll try to get out of you and respond with a smile, a calm voice and just don't let her bring you to where she's at. Don't fall into a trap.

I think it's great your out and about doing new things, meeting new folks and breathing new air.
Remember, this is your life. You will meet someone one day who is kind, supportive and encouraging. Someone who'll love your two daughters and wouldn't dream of keeping you apart from your Family. Just think, she's out there somewhere right now.

Good luck to you man. Hold strong. Your getting there; its already begun

7 December 14

Well I have been home 3 nights now, and all is calm. I arrived home midnight on Thursday to find she was in bed and maybe asleep, so I didn’t make too much noise (sleeping dragon) and went to my room quietly.

The next morning I saw her as I was making a coffee. I asked if she wanted one and she did. She was looking in a really low mood, but I didn’t ask her anything or tell her anything other than here is your coffee, which she took back to her room. I got ready and went out, as I had my old best friends funeral to attend on Friday. I was back for 6pm and we got through the night without an argument. She didn’t even try to start one, she was obviously angry as it was written all over her face and her movement, but the night pasts.

The same for Saturday too. Other than going to the gym separately, we were pretty much around each other all day, but no fighting. And I was really expecting it, and still am really. It almost seems missing in a strange way. As I went to my room at about 9pm, she came in and asked me if I was home Sunday night. I said I was, and she suggested she put a leg of lamb in the oven for tea. I said that would be nice, and that was that.

Having food together is not unusual, as she buys the food and I pay the bills. She maintains the housework mostly, and I maintain the house and exterior. We do sit for meals together at times, and if one of us is making something, we ask each other we also want anything to eat. Once we have eaten, we move back to doing our own thing in our own space.

My break has given me much to think about, and it was an amazing experience. I met new friends and we are all keeping in touch. I saw the Pyramids, Sphinx and Nile, like I wanted to. I scuba dived for the very first time, and snorkelled over some amazing reefs. Myself and 2 friends had a camel race too. We laughed a lot, and I can honestly say that I haven’t laughed like that in years, my chest and shoulders were hurting for days, that’s how much I laughed.

[url]https://www.flickr.com/photos/120483222@N02/sets/72157647309102414[/url]

I am now going to downsize my huge truck to a more economical small car so I can do more miles away from here. I will start selling off stuff I am not going to need when I leave here, as a lot of stuff I have tool wise, was for maintaining and working on the land and house here, and will likely be no good anywhere I move too. Not only that, but it is less to take with me when the move comes.

Like I said, I do find it really strange she has not kicked off about me being away, although she did say quite a bit in her emails. I don’t know what to make of it all, but then I should be now concentrating on making preparations for when I sell, and for starting my life the way I want it.

Dear J.P

I am glad you had such and excellent adventure and have made it back safe and sound.
I would imagine she's keeping her cool because she knows full well, her natural methods aren't working anymore and she's attempting to get a sense of your state of mind/heart/spirit.

Remember all.
Hold strong. Do not forget all the years of oppression. John, continue your forward motions. Maintain your future sights.
Smile and nod and of course be polite but please, do not forget all the mean things she has done to you and albeit indirectly, to your Family.
This next phase of your separation is very sensitive. Do NOT give in or be fooled. You've come way too far to go back now.
Strength to you Man.

Wonderful to hear your update John. Am so pleased you enjoyed your holiday. It has proved you can go it alone and enjoy it too! You are almost at the last hurdle now - keep going! As others have said, ignore, ignore, ignore. Your wife is now changing tactics because she senses she is losing control and it may be that she felt you would never have the bottle to 'go it alone'? Don't know for sure so don't take offence? Sounds like you've shocked her though.

I don't think I've ever been rooting for someone as much as I am for you John. You can do it! You really can and you will be so much happier without a controlling wife but with the rest of your family.

Good luck

Thank you so much. I am not gong to say I am coping OK, because I am far from it and you all know that. I think as things change around here, like I have just sold my truck today that was bought for this house really with all firewood and stuff to collect, and knowing the house is going, my chickens will be going, and every little dream of living this life near the beach is gone, for now, I get really sad feelings sweeping over me as each bit falls away. And of course another marriage down the drain.

I saw my therapist yesterday and told her all about my trip and how I was feeling, and she thought I had made a huge leap by actually getting away for even just that week. She told me that she will never give up trying to control me as long as I am around her or we have connections in some way, and maybe even long after I never have to see her again. She said its her nature and she can't help herself and wont get help for something she will never see she has. She thought I was doing well.

i am glad I have your support, and I really feel it has made a huge difference to the way I have been able to keep going in the right direction. From this point right here in this post, I started to write about how maybe she really doesn't want to let me go, and maybe these are not controlling tactics and just the way she really is feeling, I went on and on. But I deleted it all, because as I was reading it back to myself, I saw that I was still hanging on going over the same old pointless rubbish and torturing myself over someone that just isnt worth it.

And so, I am looking forward to my Christmas this year, spending time with the people that mean the most to me, my daughters and my family. I am having Christmas eve at my sisters with some other members of family and my daughters, then Christmas dinner with another sister who has asked me over for the first time in 7 years. Then I am spending boxing day with my mother and seeing my daughters again. Hell, I might even get away again for New Year!

No doubt you will be hearing from me before Christmas, well if something makes a turn for the worst or I just really need to chat with you. But if you don't, I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas, and a big thank you.

Steve

^^and a very Merry Christmas to you Man and may your next new Year bring you inspiration, strength, focus and all the things you need to start fresh without the dictator.
I know it won't be easy. As you said your already wondering if her 'tactics' aren't tactics at all and wondering if she's genuinely having some epiphany or something or turning some new page into a better 'her'.
Steve, it's perfectly natural to wonder these things. leaving something//someone familiar and a home, the land, well let's just say there will be allot trying to pull you back in. My hope regarding you is that you have the strength to not allow that to happen.
Your a good person. You'll sugar coat much of things she has done. That's what good people do, half cup full. But I ask you, reflect. In moments of weakness, reflect on all the crappy stuff that's been done on her watch. Think of your daughters and all the moments missed (I'm sorry) because of a controlling, insecure, badly behaving woman. Again, I'm sorry to say that but you need, need to hold strong. I'm sorry about your chickens and the land. Of course you'll miss that, who wouldn't but there is another place for you somewhere out there right now waiting.
Spending time with your Family freely will give you courage to continue on your right path, forward. Everything will be alright.
This is Your Life

16 Dec 2014

Yesterday she came home and told me how she had been up until 5am drinking and smoking at a party and was hung over. I didn't talk back but just carried on with what I was doing. She later came into my room and really went to town then.

She told me I was a b#stard, as well as all sorts of things. She said I was making her life hard to live and was playing her to make her suffer. She said she was trying to make the best of it while I was being nasty and torturing her.

She told me that people had told her that on my daughters face book page it said I had taken them out for dinner before I went away for a week, and said I was wrong for spending money like that when she had build up a huge debt in her name form spending more than she could afford. The thing is, she or someone else had been spying on my daughters Facebook to see what I am up to, and I think that is wrong. I have told my daughters not to post things other than for friends only as I expected as much from her.

She told me that one of her friends told her that we would get back together, and then she told me how she wouldn't dream of that happening in a million years because she didn't want anything to do with my family and daughters. She said she is looking at getting a flat in the city with a flat mate to get away from here and from me torturing her and making her feel like crap everyday.

Anyway, I reacted by telling her she was out of order for spying on my daughters Facebook pages when she has never looked at them before. She started crying and stormed out of the room in tears. I followed her to try to console her but I shouldn't have done. I was stupid I know, because then her tears dried up and I got more crap, before she went to bed and slept like a baby while I was left twitching all night :)

I really do try so hard to be strong, you wouldn't believe how hard I try, I suppose you can't help who you are and that's how I ended up in this mess. Well I have bought a smaller car that uses much less fuel and will try to get out of the house more to see friends and family now and over Christmas, and I will try much harder to not engage her when she is on the attack.