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Yeah guys, I need to move on. I'm glad I'm moving town. Maybe I shouldn't contact her, but I just feel like I can't control my actions.
That is bullsh.it. Of course you can control your actions, you're the only person who can control your actions. You just don't want to stop. Simple as that. These situations and these emotions you are feeling are only as difficult as you want them to be.
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Maybe I should re-tell her how I feel but I may never get that opportunity. If she really wants to make things work with her boyfriend, he certainly wont let her contact me anymore. I would predict he would tell her to ignore and avoid me if she wants things to work.
I already said you should tell her again how you feel, but honestly, do you see her response being any different than what she's already said to you? Chances are high that she will say the same thing again, and keep you waiting even longer than you already have. If she decides to stay with him and repair their relationship, you'd better damn well hope she doesn't try to stay in contact with you. Knowing how you feel about her, yet pursing inappropriate behavior with you while in a relationship, and then staying with him, but holding onto the shreds of your friendship is absolutely insane and totally disrespectful to everyone involved.
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She has years of feelings and memories with him. I was a fool to think I could compete with that. I always told myself not to settle for second best and no one has ever made me feel as happy as she does when I'm around her, but I just had to take things too far and ruin that for myself. If had better control of my emotions, this wouldn't have happened, I should look at it as a lesson learned.
Start telling yourself again that you deserve better, every single day, multiple times a day, until you believe it to be true. You should never settle for second best, ever. I understand where you're coming from when you say nobody has made you feel as good as she does, but honestly, someone else can - and probably will. I've thought that about a few people from my past, and I was convinced that I'd never feel the same way again about someone else... but lo and behold, I have. There's possibility of a strong connection with more than one person in your life. You have to believe it can happen for you. I do!
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I think, if she really wanted to be with me... Why would she be going out on dates with him? Why would she be reluctant to see me?
If she wanted to be with you, she would be. It's literally that simple. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, or that she doesn't have feelings for you; but feelings and intentions mean nothing without action to back it up. If she wanted to be with you, she would leave her boyfriend and be with you.
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Perhaps she was just a bit bored with him and used me like a pawn in a big game. To kick him into gear and make him realise what he was missing and get a little action as a bonus. She told me once, she doesn't like change. Maybe she really was just confused and I was the source of the confusion. If I'm removed from the picture everything is normal again. I should learn to stop trying to insert myself into places I don't belong just because it feels right in my heart. The heart lies.
I've thought from the beginning that she is using you to fulfill some void from her boring relationship. People in happy relationships don't cheat. Why she would rather stay miserable with someone she doesn't like that much, just because she doesn't like change, is completely lost on me. She wants the best of both worlds. The attention you give her, and her sweet boyfriend at home. She cannot have both. She doesn't deserve both. However, you are letting her have it by continuing to stay in contact with her, knowing she has a boyfriend. The heart doesn't lie, the heart is an organ that pumps blood through your body. That's all it does. The brain does all the work, and a lot of time people talk themselves out of how they really feel, and what they really should be doing, simply to stay comfortable in the moment. Many people torture themselves by doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results; but that is the ultimate form of insanity. If you want something to change, you need to alter your behavior and you are only in control of your own behavior; no one else's.
You know this situation is wrong, you've mentioned it several times, but you continue to pursue it. The positive reinforcement you get from the relationship with her is minimal at best, yet it's enough to keep you holding on to the idea that things could work out with her. Why are you doing that? Why are you torturing yourself to stay in one place, waiting for someone who doesn't respect you or her current boyfriend enough to make a choice between the two of you? Why are you actively choosing not to pursue other women, who are interested in you (and available) just because this chick *might* decide to throw caution to the wind and choose you? You're clearly not getting anywhere by keeping yourself stuck in this limbo stage, so someone is going to have to make a move here. Clearly she can't do it, so you are going to have to be the one who does.
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I will just have to try to be happy for them. Keep telling myself she is with her dream man - and I feel like he has the best girlfriend in the world. He must be so happy. Who am I to ruin that for them?
How unselfish of you to think that way. You can have your dream woman, too. You may just have to give up on the idea that she is the only person who could fit that role for you.
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I think I need some time away from other people for a while. Just work, eat, sleep and hit the gym for a few weeks and hope that my heart heals itself. All I can do is grit my teeth and endure this torture until my emotions stop killing me.
I think you should do that. Focus your energy on other things besides this woman, and do things that make you feel good. Eventually, you will move on and you will stop thinking about her this way. You simply need to choose to do that though. People often say "time heals all wounds", but time doesn't do sh.it, it's what you do with that time that makes any difference. You should be aiming for something better than this. You could be with someone who is amazing, and exciting, and loving... who is excited and thankful to be with you every day. Someone who is emotionally available to you, and who wants to share their life with you. You said it best when you said you shouldn't play second fiddle to anyone... and you shouldn't!