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Wakeup, I read your link. Going point by point:
Low self-esteem: No. I actually believe that I am better than most people, despite my flaws.
The Link says: "The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise" Vince, if you had high self-esteem/self-worth you'd not stay with someone who takes from you and treats you like shit. You just wouldn't. You'd have left her years ago after the second incident. That's what people with high self-esteem do, they give one more chance and then if things don't change they get the fk out.
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People-pleasing: my friends and former co-workers would all be laughing right now if somebody called me that in front of them.
This discussion is about what you do in your relationship. You over-compensate in your need to please her however; keep in mind that not every symptom will be yours. Also keep in mind that everyone of us is somewhat codependent..It’s when the codependency causes your own emotional sickness within the relationship that is when it is an issue for you (you and the general you)
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Poor boundaries: I make more money than a lot of people, and I am moderately liberal. I give some money to charity, and I help my girlfriend and my immediate family out financially. I won't apologize for that.
What? Your poor boundaries are that instead of telling your gf that she needs to focus on what she needs to do and do it herself, you do it for her. That is just one poor boundary that you have. You have an inability to tell her NO. Money? who cares?
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Reactivity: I listen to what people say to me, filtering it through my own beliefs, perceptions, and experiences. That's because I believe that what people tell me is also influenced by their own beliefs, perceptions and experiences. Sometimes people are wasting my time and sometimes they have something valuable to share.
You have very poor reactivity when it comes to the bullshit that this girl reaps on you. You've given us loads of examples of that.
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Caretaking: I can't help anybody unless I am taking care of myself. But I'm not going to ignore a plea for help from somebody I love. Because that's part of being in love.
That is another example of your poor boundaries. You do not help her when you do what you do for her... you ENABLER HER to be the leach that she is. You don't allow her to grow by giving the way YOU do.
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Control: I don't want to control anybody else, unless I am being paid for my management skills. Even then, I would sometimes rather just do the work myself.
That is a need to control. You'd rather do it yourself then delegate
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I would be delighted if my girlfriend stopped asking me for financial help or even help with her classes, as long as she was doing okay.
You don't give the opportunity to show you that she would be ok or to even learn how to be okay and be able to manage her time well when you care take her the way you do.
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Dysfunctional communication: Yes. Our communication is sometimes dysfunctional. Absolutely this is a serious issue in our relationship. Doesn't make it a co-dependent relationship, except maybe to Dr. Phil.
You are so in denial. Your relationship stinks of addiction but your drug of choice isn't alcohol or heroin, it's "Psychologically Disturbed Girlfriend." You would go cold turkey withdrawal from her if you weren’t codependent.
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Obsessions: Can't really respond to this one, the description is quite broad and vague.
Like I said you don't have to display every symptom to be codependent to the point that your own reality is being damaged. However your obsession of her is obvious.
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Dependency: I've only had three long-term relationships in my life, in part because I had no trouble dumping women or accepting being dumped by them. I don't prefer being alone, but I don't require a relationship to create my happiness either.
Then why do you keep this one that is totally dysfunctional and abusive and emotionally damaging? What you describe is NOT love. Its addiction and fear of being alone.
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Denial: This is crap logic. Either I must nod my head sagely and say, yes I am co-dependent, or else Dr. Phil or whoever is going to say that I am in denial. F that.
Okay, you're not codependent. You're just mistaken in what love is and you thrive on drama. What would you like us to say? What can we say that will make her not psychologically damaged and how you can fix that?
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Problems with intimacy: Nope, not in this relationship. I wish that we were having sex more often, but that makes me a guy, not a co-dependent. I don't have any special issues about being either smothered or rejected.
If you understood what you were reading, you'd know that the reference to "intimacy" had zero to do with sex. BTW: You smother. You do this by doing her work for her (as one and only one example). [/quote]
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Painful emotions: What, like anger or sadness? Is that seriously supposed to be a symptom of co-dependency? Or is it really more of the basic human condition?
Stop being obtuse, it's unbecoming of you.
Bottomline: You're in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship wherein you don't understand why you need to leave it. You're like the battered woman that keeps going back (or never leaving) her batterer. Label it whatever the fk you want. Just, please don't label is "love" because its anything but.