I know I'm selfish, but is there a third way?

I think M is a terrible person and you should stop seeing him completely. It's the only way you'll get your self respect back.

No matter how much you "love" your boyfriend you need to leave him because he obviously isn't the man you need him to be. The fact that he knows that you still love the man who you admitted cheating with, and is content "as long as you still love him" highlights the fact that he is a boy and not a man. You having to take care of him in other unspecified ways further highlights that fact. Love is reasonable, unselfish, and kind. You are not being any of these things by continuing a secret relationship. Also I am surprised to see you ask if it would be wrong to still see Mr. M. Most men seem unable to grasp the concept of an emotional affair, not women. In short, yes, it is wrong to continue ANY relationship with Mr. M. Even if it wasn't wrong you said yourself that you can't resist him, so lets not pretend that you would be seeing him but not having sex with him.

I admire your courage for seeking advice and laying your cards out here, but now that you have some sound advice you need to act on it. You're unhappy with the boyfriend because he's not a man. Dump him. That will give him a little life experience and can be the first step on his quest to reach manhood. Stop seeing Mr. M all together, unless you don't mind being 'the girl on the side' and possibly responsible for a divorce if his wife finds out. There are many other consequences that could arise from the divorce including (but not limited to) the wife trying to kill you, the kids growing up without a father, and Mr. M balming you for the breakdown of his marriage (even though he is even more guilty).

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Originally Posted by Greta [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I sincerely thank all again for advice. No I'm not writing an epic - it's just an ordinary story of mine.

Yes it takes a lot of courage to reveal a private part of my life for public judgment. I've been struggling for several months before I came here. I never intended to detroy others' family. My father left my family for another woman when I was small and I've never ever dreamt about having an affair with a married man. I just hate myself for becoming the kind of person that I despise.

Indeed, I do talk about M before my boyfriend. He knows that I like him in some way - either as a friend or as a father figure. We share everything. I tell him when I had a crush on somebody and sometimes even show him messages other guys sent me. We know clearly that there is nothing serious in it. But now I keep a part of M and me just to myself. That bothers me.

Tonight I told my boyfriend that I like M a lot - it's more than like but less than love. He thought for a second, and asked me whether I still love him. I said yes...yes...yes..yes... and bursted into tears. I was so stressed that I was speechless and just cried. And he said 'As long as you still love me, it's okay. I know it won't last long.' I think he somewhat knows it but turns a blind eye to it. He isn't dumb. For the very first time I think he is strong enough to shield me and to hold me intact. I don't know what I want sometimes, but I'm quite sure that I won't leave my bf because I still love him.

M was deeply hurt when I told him I wanted to leave him. His eyes were overwhelmed but he did not cry. That sadness is real - after all we've had an enjoyable accompany for 6 months. Should I stop seeing him totally, or just keep him as a friend? What about M and I continue to date but we just don't have sex? Do you think sex a crucial factor because it's associated with adultery?

I thank you all again for taking the time to read all these and leave your opinion. I treasure each and every comment.

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wow I can relate myself to your story so much except that I was much older and thought I was wiser! I have unknowingly been a party who played a role of cheating my ex ex's wife. We got engaged but didn't know he was a married man until I got a call from her. Ha, that shock was indecribable. I said to her there and then that if I was seeing him, knowing he was a married man, I would be a bad person but honest to God, I didn't know and she could be sure that I would not see him or talk to him again EVER. Simply because I knew I deserved better.

Of course he will show you that he was hurt. I am sure there is some truth in his feelings. My ex ex used to call me even after all being revealed, leaving a message like 'didn't our love mean anything?' (ha, what a laugh!) I didn't take his call. The bottom line is are you willing to share your life with someone who is attached? Will you be happy to be his 2nd best forever? I am self sufficient. If his whole is not in it, I'd rather be alone.

He could be everything I wanted from a man (and he WAS! except his dishonesty) but he is taken. That alone was enough for me to let him go.

Even then, it was really hard to get over him but I knew I had to. Eventually I did. Buried myself with work. That did a trick.

I took really slow on having any sort of relationship after that. Then I met my ex with whom I've broken up recently. Ha, he was exactly like your current boyfriend. I was cautions and did not rush to a relationship. We've been friends over a year before we became a couple. In the end, he admitted himself that he's a boy not a man and I needed to be with a man.

Knowing yourself VERY WELL helps you how to deal with a certain situation.

You are really young. Have so much to look forward to! Don't be anyone's 2nd best or be in a relationship that you are not entirely happy. Ask yourself why you should! I mean, really why?

I know you don't want to leave your current boyfriend because you love him and he is turning a blind eye to this. And I don't think that you should do it for self punishment, although you do deserve it.

I think you need to be on your own so you can gain your own independence and sense of self. Sure, just saying it makes it sound like you can while you are with somebody, but it's more complicated than that. You need to be on your own to as they mentioned above to really figure yourself out, know yourself, and know what needs to be done so you do not ever end up in this situation again. Like you mentioned before, you became a person you really despised. You tell yourself you can't leave him because you love him and it will hurt him. You have to do this for you, and it will allow your boyfriend to grow on his own. As long as you are there to clean him up and change his diapers, you are actually just stunting his growth as a person.

Who knows where you will be down the line and that it's scary because you and your boyfriend might not end up together, but as we all learn in our experiences, many relationships end because it's bad timing. Not because the love wasn't there. And if you do not find happiness with him in the future, you will with somebody else. You are 22 years old! You have so much life ahead of you and experiences to...experience. I was having trouble letting go of my ex girlfriend as was she letting me go because we are so afraid of what else is out there and because of how badly we wanted happiness in a broken relationship. It was a serious eye opener to both of us (I assume her, who really knows, she had me replaced instantly). I have been on my own for 5 months and you would not believe the world of difference it has done for my personal growth. It gets lonely, it gets scary being on your own, but dealing with these problems, rough patches without the need of a partner to be there will make you a stronger person and much more prepared for what should be a more mature and grown up relationship in the future.