I know its a Saturday, but try not to get too ****ed up, and for God's sake, no ecstasy.
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I know its a Saturday, but try not to get too ****ed up, and for God's sake, no ecstasy.
Ha! On a first date? How depraved do you think I am? (actually, don't answer that) ;)
I've got something pretty cute lined up - there's a poetry and singer/songwriter open-mic night in a little vegetarian bistro that she'd love. A really bohemian place, it's a loft space in an old victorian warehouse, candle-lit and canvasses of local artists for sale on the walls. I think it'll be perfect.
Sounds nice. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with a vegetarian. Can't trust 'em. Its a thoughtful date though, and will probably be very well received.
OK, so for anyone interested in knowing, the date went great last Saturday, apart from some truly awful poetry - I kissed her goodnight but didn't invite her back to my house, I was trying to be a gentleman. We met again earlier this evening at a friend's house and I asked her if she wanted to come home with me and she said no, she decided to stay on the sofa of this mutual friend rather than in bed with me (I live 50 yards from his house)... Is that a bit of a rejection? I'm a little drunk, but also prettty sad... :'( I thought it was going grand... And I must admit I really wanted to **** her tonight.
You wanna know something really sad? I became vegetarian for two and a half years in my mid-teens pretty much because I thought it would make her like me more... Ergh, what a ****ing loser. :/Quote:
Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Relax, Cafe. The date went great, you say. That's a success. What's the urgency about jumping in bed? Especially if she's a bit intimidated by you, its probably a good idea to draw things out. You'll get a chance to hook her with your awesomeness soon enough, I expect. This way, she's more secure its about herself, not just her [female part] you love. Friends to lovers is a delicate dance. Steady on.
This girl has known you for a very long time and is obviously very comfortable with you. I will speculate a little here, but women are generally very emotional creatures and she will not be quick to end your friendship since she is very invested and attached. She will strive (like you are) to protect what the two of you already have, and the only way you're going to **** it up is to not communicate openly with her.
I know you feel that you are in love with her. HOWEVER, you must realize that most of what you have experienced so far is infatuation (some people have called it "putting her on a pedestal," but infatuation is more correct.) You should not tell her you are in love with her, that would be a major mistake and would be the ONLY thing that would ensure an awkward future relationship with friends. You have to treat her like a girl who you like and want to get to know. You accomplish this by going on lots of dates and openly communicating with one another.
In my opinion, you have a very dysfunctional relationship with sex and that is messing this up. I can relate, I was very promiscuous in high school and my first year in the military because I did not know how to have a relationship. I had a long term friend who turned into a **** buddy sit me down and tell me he wanted a relationship with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, and 8 years later we are still together and married. I'm sure that's not necessarily the norm, but the very beginning of our relationship together was defined with open lines of communication and trust.
Your friend doesn't want to get hurt, and sex complicates relationships and can screw them up unless it is clearly defined. You take her on 1 1/2 dates and then ask her to come home with you while intoxicated. That sends a clear message that you want to get ****ed up and have sex with her. The message that is getting lost are your long-term desires, the feelings of adoration, trust, and respect. It also just adds to your reputation and makes you look irresponsible.
You are sabotaging yourself and ruining your chances at a good relationship. You need to stop trying to hide your emotions behind meaningless sex, drugs,and alcohol. Women are attracted to confidence, she's not going to guess how you feel. If you want to have a long lasting relationship with her, you need to start by defining your relationship to keep it from falling apart.
I'm personally wondering if hearing about your past experiences while she was MDMA may have piqued her interest and curiosity? As someone else has said, drug sex is completely different to sober sex.
eg: once upon a time, I was rather attracted to a friend. I didn't want to date him because he really wasn't bf material but there had always been some mutual interest. I knew he wanted me, and had for some time. One day I went to his place that he shared with some mutual friends. He was cooking up mushroom juice. I used to love my shrooms. Anyway, we were the only people to partake in the shroom juice and a while later I was tripping nicely. I got paranoid about being in a room full of non-tripping people and got up announcing I had to go feed my cat. He stood up and said he would help. Naturally we ended up bonking. It was in many ways awesome. A few hours later he went back to his place, I stayed at home tripping happily by myself. The next day there was no awkward between us, even when our friends were making jokes about us. We never hooked up again, I had no interest in going out with him, or him me, and once our curiosity was satisfied we were even better friends because there was no sexual tension between us anymore.
LOL on the 'help'!Quote:
Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
That's an interesting perspective. No messy feelings or anything after? Not even from him? I'd worry about one or both getting attached (guys do too after sex). But I guess the importance part is your comment he wasn't 'bf material'. I've had male friends with this kind of attraction. Difference is, they are definitely relationship material (so am I, I think) and I can imagine things going sideways after sleeping together.Quote:
Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Thanks for the comments. This morning I went back over to my friend's house for breakfast and met up with her again, I asked her if she wanted to get a coffee in the afternoon which we did, and ended up having quite a serious talk. We were talking about our 'date' and basically she said that it didn't feel like a date at all, that it was barely different from the countless times when we used to do stuff just the two of us, and this was in an overtly romantic setting - candles, wine, the works. I begrudgingly agreed. I had a feeling I was getting the 'let's just be friends' talk, and she said "I can't imagine you as a boyfriend" which secretly hurt me quite deeply, partly because I noted she said 'a boyfriend' rather than just 'my boyfriend'. So I asked her if she wanted to go on any more dates and she said that we could still hang out together, but just as friends. She said that just because we had ****ed doesn't mean we have to be all romantic now. I told her that that wasn't why I asked her out, and that I had had a thing for her since school. She then said she had a thing for me too once, but she thought now we were better off "just staying as we are".
Can't say I'm not really disappointed, I think it showed too because she kept apologising. Tonight we watched the England-Italy match with some other friends, she laid her head on my legs, then we played loads of wii mario-cart until 2am (now here I am)... It was nice, even though kind of bittersweet for me. C'est la vie... I know this sounds melodramatic, but I've never felt quite so alone and hopeless before. Any advice would, as always, be welcome.
You aren't being melodramatic, Cafe. That sucks, I'm sorry. But I give you huge credit for going for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCafeTerrace [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Advice you won't like but here it is: Don't let her do this^ kind of thing (head in your lap). You gave it your shot, but now you are setting yourself up to be shredded. Dial back on the emo stuff. Protect your heart.
Once there was a lady who got into a bit of trouble with an old family friend. Male, of course. He was there during a very emotionally difficult time and an old attraction they had kept under wraps had kindled. It tore her up, but eventually she shoved off the friend, went NC for a while. Not b/c she didn't care (she did, desperately) but b/c it was wrong and also b/c she really did care for this man enough to know what they were doing would eventually shred him, both of them. He never really understood what she did and why, but thats part of the price a real friend pays.
She knows how you feel, you were straight up with her. She rejected you, end of. She's not being your friend putting her head in your lap, she's being selfish. A true friend will keep another friend from hurting him/herself in a situation like this, even if it costs them the friendship. Understand?
Nah, I'm glad she did. She would do that kind of thing all the time without thinking about it before now. The main thing I worried about going in was that our friendship would be affected, and I took this as a sign that there was still no bad air between us. As far as she's concerned, we had some drugged-up sex a few weeks ago and tried dating but there was no romantic spark, no big deal. All I told her was that I had a crush on her at school. I'm glad she doesn't really seem to understand how upset I am that this hasn't worked out. There's no way I'm not going to break contact with her, we have a very close group of the same friends (two have recently got engaged, and I've been asked to be best man), frankly I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have them - they're all closer than family to me. My heart will be fine, worse things happen at sea.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
A lot of people are pretty curious sober, so this is quite plausible. She's seen the padlocked leather wrist and ankle cuffs I use on people sometimes, but when we had sex it was just good old fashoined fingering on the kitchen table and ****ing up against the fridge.Quote:
Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
May I ask what made you think of him as not being 'bf material'?Quote:
once upon a time, I was rather attracted to a friend. I didn't want to date him because he really wasn't bf material but there had always been some mutual interest. I knew he wanted me, and had for some time.
Same here, she descirbed it yesterday as like being bound together like the survivors of some natural disaster. I tried not to read into that phrase too much though, I understood what she meant.Quote:
The next day there was no awkward between us, even when our friends were making jokes about us... once our curiosity was satisfied we were even better friends...
Nope. Not at all. It wasn't even an over night thing, it was a pleasant psychedelic afternoon, quite a nice trip actually. I think that helped too, hallucinogens are good for separating mind from body, but intertwining them in a new way at the same time. I must admit though, I haven't seen him in years. Not because of any awkwardness, just because of distance.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
CafeTerrace, the main thing that didn't make him bf material was the fact that I knew he didn't want to be bf material. I knew I was a 'notch on the bed post', though until that afternoon he thought he had his chance many times before. I guess I was a bit of a challenge.
Ha! I once slept with someone while we were both tripping on LSD. The trip was truly extraordinary, and the sex was interesting but I hallucinated being on a pirate ship and kept getting interrupted mid-shag by some mind-blowing new insight about the universe.Quote:
Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
If he asked you out on a date an told you that you weren't just some girl he wanted to screw, would you have gone for it? Would you have believed him even?Quote:
the main thing that didn't make him bf material was the fact that I knew he didn't want to be bf material. I knew I was a 'notch on the bed post',