Not sure what the future holds . . .
We both wanted to move forward, to feel like we were trying to preserve our relationship rather than declare everything over . . . I guess in agreeing to do that, she feels exhonorated from any responsibility for her actions . . . she is typically contrite and very sorry to get me to agree to 'move on' and then uses that as a justification not to discuss anything again.
Love & Marriage are complicated things
And everyone, especially the people we love, is a combination of good and bad. I love my wife deeply, and was never truly 'in love' until I met her.
Did I know about some of these aspects of her personality and behavior before we married? Some, yes . . .but quite frankly I thought they were simply extensions of personality traits I found appealing.
Am I willing to move on . .of course . . .I love my wife and my marriage is worth saving. But knowing that she lied about her past sex life, and lovers that she was involved fairly close to when we started dating (within six months) still leaves me uneasy. She demands honest from me and has always viewed it as critical to the longevity of our marriage . .yet she seems selective in her own application of that rule. I guess that bothers me. Also, she is certainly willing to try new things between us sexually to keep things fresh, and believes in discussion in that regard . . .but when I want honesty about sexual topics, she is selective. I guess the disparity bothers me.
A prior lover (6 months prior) had an STD
She was not tested and didn't tell me. Also, she HAS carried those behaviors over into our married life (go back a few posts and read about her sales meeting trip). By her own admission, she has come close to cheating in our married life and by her own admission fears that she will and doesn't know how to stop herself, hence her desire to go to counseling.
Now, with regards to the STD (in this case, the guy had herpes), my knowing is relevant for two reasons:
1) Health . . . when I was a kid, like lots of kids before the vaccine, I had chicken pox. Chicken pox is a herpetic virus, after the initial active stage (when you get the blisters you are told not to scratch) the virus goes dormant and lives in the fluid in your spinal column, largely in a semi-comatose state (in virus terms). It can however, become active again, and move along nerve networks in your body and cause flare ups (this is what causes shingles). It can also cause various forms of neuralgia, which results in a temporary paralysis of the muscles controlled by the effected nerves (a Bell's palsey, commonly resulting in paralysis of facial muscles can caused by this). In my case, the neuralgia commonly affects shoulder and upper arm muscles and also the heart muscles. For years I have had to take medicine to address to avoid overstressing the cardiac muscle. This is rare but it does happen. Untreated, it can cause heart attack and death. Catching something like herpes (a virus that moves and attacks in a similar fashion) can cause a serious cardiac event and even death. Before she and I got married, we went through all the "joint" business stuff married couples do, including life insurance. My health condition was discussed at the time. She was aware of my condition. We had the health questionnaire ahead of time, we read the questions ahead of time, which included inquiries about STDs and herpes, and she never volunteered the info (nor had she or did she get tested).Now I don't know about you, but withholding info that could harm or kill me, yeah I think it's my business to know; second:
2) Livlihood . . .at the time, I had a job that required a govt security clearance . . . having an STD is a big no-no in the govt, especially for a married man. Even though I could have argued that I got it from my wife, it is often assumed the affected individual got it from a prostitute, is therefore corruptible, can therefore be bribed to sell sensitive information, is therefore a security risk, will therefore lose his clearance and thus his job. Again, I discussed the nature of my work with her (since it required I travel from time to time and might not be available on my mobile depending on the installation). The details of clearance work, and the implications of STDs were discussed. Again, not a word from her.
Again, I think in deferece to the reasons cited above, it is my business.