Originally Posted by
Anonymous Girl
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I am pinkfloyd80's gf.
He told me about posting this on here and I've been reading what everyone's been saying. I told him that I feel like some of you are against me and even against him. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion but that's exactly where our problem lies: I don't like it and he does. Just knowing that there are people out there that feel the way he does or the way I do, isn't going to solve our problem... we already know that we don't agree with each other. I do appreciate any kind suggestions that people have made though...
I didn't use to have a problem with porn. I thought if you're single, go ahead and watch it... as far as watching it while you're in a relationship, well I didn't think about that much until I was in one. I knew that my bf watched it from the start and I would even send him pics or vids, but then he’d say "I've seen that already" or "I can find better." I guess what I wanted him to say was "YOU are better" or "I don't need any of that when I have you." (I guess it was a silly way to test his love for me, but I would’ve said that to him.) I don’t even think the porn itself is what bothered me either… it was comments that he’d made about other girls or seeing things that he’d said to other girls when he was with me… (Which I don't feel even compared to me) it made me feel unappreciated. And so I thought that as long as he was watching it, he was going to get ideas or whatever. He also said that he has pics and vids of me and the main reason I allowed him to have those was to keep him from wanting to watch porn. When that didn’t work, it started to make me feel unappreciated and like I was wasting my beauty and time on someone that didn’t appreciate it anyway. I honestly don't believe that I'm insecure... I actually feel the opposite. How dare he look at other girls that don't even look as good as I do haha! I thought that he was insecure and looking at those girls 'cause he felt that I was too good for him. (He's said that before as well.) Anyway, the main reason why it bothers me is because I don't want to look at other guys because I feel like I'm not appreciating my bf... and why look at them anyway when I have the real thing? I feel offended that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Whenever I'd fantasize about people it was because I was single and wanted something real... I guess I'm more excited about real life than a fantasy. And that’s where I feel like I can’t satisfy him… if he still needs to fantasize than does that mean I’m not a fantasy-turned reality to him? (I’m his first gf and he’s my first bf btw.) So I guess I thought that once he had the real thing he’d want to ditch the silly, unfulfilling porn and enjoy being with me like I was with him.
He also broke his promise to me to stop and that also started a trust issue. I feel that if I can’t trust him to stop watching stuff, than how can I trust him to not do stuff with other people? He tells me he’d never cheat but I feel that what he’s doing is already a form of that and because he betrayed my trust, I can’t believe him… I wouldn’t expect him to trust me either if I did the same thing and I’d work on regaining his trust.
However, I do love him very much and want to get through this with him but I don’t want to feel like I’m holding on to something that’s not going to get better. I don’t want to control him either or want him to change for me. I just want him to realize that this is hurting our relationship and my trust for him. Him liking porn or wanting to watch it isn’t who he is… so how is wanting him to not like it trying to change him? He’s going to like something whether I want him to or not but that’s not a part of him… people change all the time and things that you like aren’t who you are. I even told him that stopping for me wasn’t enough… I wanted him to WANT to stop for himself or not want to look at other girls. But he still wants to… and I can’t control that… nor do I want to. What I do want is for him to feel about me the way I do about him naturally and because it’s what he wants… but he doesn’t. I know I can’t control that but I also feel that it’s not fair and that I want him more than he wants me. I just want to feel that I’m getting as much love as I’m giving… but I guess that’s too much to ask.