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Hey guys!
No, I was not really hurt here because I don't take anything here personally. You all try your best to help and it's up to me to take the things that actually help me and leave the things that don't.
Well done!
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But I do believe that words can hurt and I don't think you always have the chance to make a choice to whether words hurt you or not. Especially if these words come from a person close to me. I, however, also think it's something I'd like to achieve in the future: having the choice over whether words hurt me or not. Wakeup can you honestly say that you have never been hurt by words?
No of course I can't say I've never been hurt by words... As I said, you can dismiss the hurt as quickly as it passed over you. That is what you can control.
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No, I meant this seriously. Perhaps it's just meant to be a forum where you go for for advice but not for pouring your soul out as you put it. That would have been fine with me, you know. I just needed to know. But I wonder what it is with you and sympathy, you see it everywhere, Wakeup, even if it's not even there, you are so stuck in this sympathy construct, so what's up with that?
I'm not understanding what you're asking of me?
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I also wonder about the way you use the word "enabling"... for me it always meant that with it you enable people to become their best, to grow to their fullest, to live their inner potential... am I misusing the word here? (I am not a native speaker)
You're certainly not helping someone to grow to their fullest, to live their inner potential if you just let them wallow in thier pain and just go there, there. As I said it's fine in the beginning but when you see that someone is becoming addicted to something that is not in their best interestes but you keep allowing them to think in the same destructive manner then you are enabling them and you are doing the exact opposit of allowing them to meet their utmost potential.
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That's okay. What I don't like however is the narrow-minded way you see things
That's your perogative to not like my opinions
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and that you don't listen to what people say here.
I listen, I just don't agree with you or what you're doing. Theres the difference.
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I can say as often as I want that I want to get better, that I am on my way to get better, that I have bad times where my world just crumbles, but that I am on my way out of all this pain. In my limited way with the preconditions given, some of which make it harder but which I just can't change, I am on my way. Still you insist that I am not and go on lamenting about I should do it and what would be best for me. But you never answered the questions on how to do it really. E.g. when I asked how to best cope with the fact that everything in this house reminds me of him, but I can't afford to move. Or how to go best about the fact that I have to have contact with him because of the money he owes me. You just insist on your NC-policy, but have nothing to say when it comes to different cirdumstances where NC (which I really preferred) isn't possible. You just keep repeating yourself over and over again.
Well I'll apologize for not giving my advice on those things but with the other poster answering for you I guess I got embroiled with that.
If everything in the house reminds you of him, and you can't afford to move then how about doing some redecorating which shouldn't cost you a whole lot of money but will keep your mind busy and will make you feel like you've accomplished something for you. You need to concentrate on yourself and take your mind off of him. Paint, new throw rugs, fresh drapery that sort of thing. You can also start to make new memories there with friends and family.
As for the money he owes you. I know you're not strong enough to do this but have you thought of taking him to small claims court or contacting a lawyer for advice on how to get it back? Do you have anything in writing that he owes it to you? You need to get stronger with him and set a payment schedule at least and if he doesn't adhere to it then get some advice from a lawyer.
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Of course they would, but how many people are lucky enough to have that kind of self-worth? It's a long way to get there unless you were lucky enough to grow up in a loving environment which allowed you to develop this kind of self-worth - I wasn't. And I find find this the hardest thing to achieve: develop self-worth. Mostly in an oral discussion or emotional situation I even have troubles feeling my own feelings and realizing what I want beacuse I was drilled to read others people's minds and emotions in my childhood, it was my survival strategy: always know what the other person feels, thinks and expects and then act accordingly. So often I do realize only afterwards that somebody was just treating me badly and that I was hurt.
You can overcome your childhood. This is where therapy and self improvment books come into play. They teach ways to overcome and allow you to love yourself. You know, when you love yourself you are hurt when you lose someone but you overcome quicker because you've worked to be the best you that you can be and you know that when you're ready, you will find someone else who will want to partner up with you again. When you are not codependent, you are capable of maintaining a life alone. I've been with the same man for over 30 years and I would be grief stricken if he should die and leave me behind, however I will not stop living and I'll not need to write my bad day(s) on a public board so that strangers comment and enable me to remain in grief. I will have the tools to overcome and live the rest of my life in relative happiness.
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Someone here, I think it was Jenswaiting, but I can't find the post any more, said that there are professionals in this forum but won't show themselves openly. But there are things that help you see who could be one and who couldn't. Here are just 3 of them:
* Therapists don't tell you what to do or what is best/right for you, they assist you in finding this out for yourself.
* Therapists don't use words that could hurt you or make you feel even worse, they know how to say things that you maybe don't want to hear in words which you can accept, reflect on and then change upon
* Therapists don't judge or criticize, they stay neutral and help you find your own opinion and way with things
You have experience with therapy then? Have you considered going to one again? It may help you with your less than wonderful childhood. This is a forum board it's not therapy.
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Here a question for you Wakeup: when my Aunt in a few weeks of time will still wallow and cry about her loss and how she can't live without him, would you tell her the same things you are telling people here all over the forum? Would you tell her to stop lamenting and moaning and wallowing and finally get over it? Or would you rather be understanding and loving and giving her all the time she needs for recovering from her loss?
No, after a few weeks, I would not. However; If, like you she showed no progress in recovering and it looked (like you) that she was becoming addicted to her sorrow then I'd tell her: Look, you need to start doing things and being proactive in overcoming or this will become your lifestyle... joyless and unmotivated.
Be well, Kyeema.
