Manning up in my relationship?

Well an update (sorta):

I had/have an outlined conversation to voice my concerns with her. But it seems like every time I want to talk about the issues, she does something nice or does something to make me forget about it. The ex-boyfriend thing isn't a problem to me for now, nothing has popped up recently about him.

But it just seems now she is becoming distant that what she used to be. I haven't brought that to her attention yet, cause we haven't had the time to talk without her friends being around and distracting her or our schedules just have been not on the same page. I called her and she said she'd call me back (she has said that twice before, and didn't follow through) later since she was driving...so hopefully I'll be able to talk about it tonight without the little one-word responses such as "ok" or "Idk" from her.

I thought about doing a jealousy route to get her to become concerned or clingy to me (it wouldn't bother me if she did become clingy, it'd be better than being distant) by hugging my female friends when around her or bring up a joke about another female trying to talk to me. Don't take this as trying to get back at her, it's just one of the ways that I see available to get her to come to me more.

In the conversation, is it okay to ask the question, "Do you really want to be with me?" or is that like a forbidden question?

1st time relationships are pretty hard...well atleast for me :(

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Originally Posted by Prerequisite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I thought about doing a jealousy route to get her to become concerned or clingy to me (it wouldn't bother me if she did become clingy, it'd be better than being distant) by hugging my female friends when around her or bring up a joke about another female trying to talk to me. Don't take this as trying to get back at her, it's just one of the ways that I see available to get her to come to me more.

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BAD idea. This promotes distrust and weakens the foundations of your relationship.

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Originally Posted by Prerequisite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In the conversation, is it okay to ask the question, "Do you really want to be with me?" or is that like a forbidden question?

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Just be sure you're really ready to hear the answer- even if it's not the one you want.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

BAD idea. This promotes distrust and weakens the foundations of your relationship.



Just be sure you're really ready to hear the answer- even if it's not the one you want.

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Ah, I see. I won't go that route then.

I'm ready to hear the answer now, the worst that can happen is that we remain friends. Which isn't bad, just the fact that we won't be together anymore. I couldn't find any other way to indirectly ask that question, so I think I will just ask it straight forward after we discuss the issues in our relationship.


Bah, I'm stupid. I thought I had read a post before about going about another way to ask it...

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- What's the problem? --> (I know something needs to change, we both know that, but you know what that something is.. and I just need your help to tell me what that change is)

Additional motivation: (.. because unless you tell me, I have no idea of knowing.. and I want to know.. because I want that same change you want..)

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I am going to go this route.

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Originally Posted by Prerequisite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In the conversation, is it okay to ask the question, "Do you really want to be with me?" or is that like a forbidden question?

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I would advice staying away from direct questions like that, especially when you anticipate there might a be a negative response. I would concentrate more on what Scorp described "Attraction, comfort, value", those things and your chemistry are what's important. If you can have that, then the answer is very obvious "Ofcourse she'll want to be with you".

Soooooo, make her attracted to you, make her be comfortable with you/ trust you, make her see you as a valuable person, relax and have fun, don't over think it :)

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would advice staying away from direct questions like that, especially when you anticipate there might a be a negative response. I would concentrate more on what Scorp described "Attraction, comfort, value", those things and your chemistry are what's important. If you can have that, then the answer is very obvious "Ofcourse she'll want to be with you".

Soooooo, make her attracted to you, make her be comfortable with you/ trust you, make her see you as a valuable person, relax and have fun, don't over think it :)

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Indeed, I agree. I thought that I had read a previous post about getting her comfort level high with me, and I was right, was Scorp's post like you said.

It's just hard to relax/have fun...for some stupid reason I over think/analyze everything..especially our relationship. I try to think far ahead and not enjoy the times now...like I randomly think about how we're going to end up breaking up instead of just enjoying her now and not trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. I trust her, now it's just the aspect of becoming a couple again.

I'm more than likely the one not ready for the relationship, I always have too many insecurities :(

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Originally Posted by Prerequisite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's just hard to relax/have fun...for some stupid reason I over think/analyze everything..especially our relationship. I try to think far ahead and not enjoy the times now...like I randomly think about how we're going to end up breaking up instead of just enjoying her now and not trying to prepare myself for the inevitable.

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Hey don't sweat it. Most of us have the capacity to do that especially when we're over infatuated with someone. I remmeber a while back fanatasizing about this girl at work, about our future together, how it would be like if we had a family, bla bla bla. Now I look at her and tell myself, "You dumbass".

Don't look too much into the future, into things that haven't happened yet. You decide your future in the present and you do that by not caring and thinking about what every one of your actions is going to be like. Just act yourself, your relaxed, confident, fun self and leave the future for the future ;)

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Очень даже неплохо, понравилось, неплохие цвета :)

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thank you! it a classic folksong we like to sing over here.

(my russian friend just translated for me :).)

Well, I was absolutely right on all accounts of my "insecurities" per say. I called her and I expressed my thoughts on our relationship...during the conversation, I found out one thing that I had not known before. Her ex was her longest relationship she ever had (7 months or so)...and most of her "firsts" (even though she has had many boyfriends before when she was a few years younger). She also expressed that she was still not over him...and had more feelings for him now that she was with me (weird, I know). I didn't say much to that, because I didn't know that key factor about him being her longest relationship. So I changed the subject and ended the conversation down the line.

So, the next day I decided to end it, and go to being friends. She tried to act nonchalant about it, but I could tell she was hurt. The reason why she was hurt because she would no longer have a "security blanket", someone who truly cared for her, or she probably thought I never had the guts to break up with her before she did. I tried ending it on a good note though, by telling her she always had someone to talk to, and I just think she needs more time outside of a relationship to get over him or just go back to him. I mean, if she wanted to really stay together, she would have atleast said, no I want to work this out or something similar to that.

Here's the kicker...2-3 days later...they're back together, haha. Thing is, this guy has her wrapped around his finger in so many words. He is a player sorta speak (he goes to a different school and from what I can see, is a "ladies man" over there). College is less than 5 months down the road, and I know for a fact, he isn't going to go into college with a girlfriend. Going into the college life with girlfriend just doesn't mix in my eyes (or from what I've seen from older siblings/friends). Another coincidence is that he's going to the same college I'm going to (no, we're not rooming together, matter of fact, we have never even spoken to each other before), but she is going to a college different that us (our colleges are roughly 2 hours apart).

It's going to take something bad to make her realize what she has actually lost (not being big-headed, just putting it into a reality aspect), either him cheating on her, or him breaking up with her for the 2nd time. I also ended the prom deal with her, told her that I'm going with one of my friends, since she (my friend) wanted to truly go with me, but was scared to ask me.

I know that I was suppose to make her forget about her ex in so many words, but personally, I don't have time for that, and I'd rather be with a lady that wants to be with me, without having to compete. Like I said before, I don't regret the relationship, it allowed me to gain experience for future relationships. So in the end, everything worked out good!

;)

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Originally Posted by Prerequisite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, the next day I decided to end it, and go to being friends. She tried to act nonchalant about it, but I could tell she was hurt.

Here's the kicker...2-3 days later...they're back together,

It's going to take something bad to make her realize what she has actually lost (not being big-headed, just putting it into a reality aspect), either him cheating on her, or him breaking up with her for the 2nd time.

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Good on you Prerequisite! Sounds like it was never really about you anyway. Sounds like she wanted you to be like him, this other guy. Well, more power to her. Some people I guess have to learn from their own experience about mistakes they make in life, sometimes words are just not enough. And life is short, you don't have a lot of time on this planet to waste your effort on people like that. I think this break up was the right thing to do my friend. Find somebody who will accept you for who you are :)