So many wishes and good luck to you! I've been there and it soothes me to know how someone else is doing in that same position.
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So many wishes and good luck to you! I've been there and it soothes me to know how someone else is doing in that same position.
Thanks for long response Jester. I first saw your response on my phone narrow screen and it looked having more inches in lenght than my faithful sword.
You are right - not all the people in church are lovely and dovely. Some goes there just once a week just for a check in at best and comfotably lives in a sin. But I hang out with hardcore people who stays in church( 5 hours after priest have ended his speech) for bible studies. Not just we read bible everyday but also read it in group and analyze it. We are deep in it.
I seen what good things those people they did for me without even knowing me and to other people who they saw first time in their life, without asking anything in return. The love in humanity reflects in them.
Sure I keep looking for love too but not taking anything I can get anymore but looking for someone who would have same set of beliefs and values or could adjust to mine. Pretty busy these days with just living my life.
Yeah, my responses can get pretty long as it is. LOL! But I'd missed quite a few updates and didn't want to just pass them by, so that one was one of my longer ones.
Anyway, how long somebody attends church, or even if they do at all is not any indication of how good a person they are. How involved they are with their church/faith, if even at all, is no indication of how good a person they are. It does sound like you've met a good group, though. So that is awesome.
To me, what is important is that you find something that makes you happy. Something that makes you feel reasonably fulfilled even if/when love may not be part of your life at the time. For you, that is your religion. It doesn't have to be faith, but for you obviously that is working. For me, it is a number of things, but a big part of it has been my cosplay/conventions/nerd culture.
Life has mysterious ways sometimes. Sometimes it can be when you least expect it that everything suddenly falls into place. :D
I know you play board games too. You said you like the people there too. What else is making you happy?
You are right it everything can fall into place when you least expect it.
It seemed simple with church - just go in and go out of it happier than before. But there was much more to it than just visiting church. Its like real relationship - dedicating time to it every day and being faithul. But I like concept about not living for body but living for soul.
Edit: Cant post too. It shows limit reacher 0 posts per 1 day.
Oh yeah, there is also my board gaming group. (Sheesh, I'm such a nerd. LOL!) Some pretty good peeps in that group. A lot of that stuff is what just sort of started to help me to appreciate me better. So, really I think what has made me so happy these days is just finally accepting me. Those things were just the catalyst that started those changes in me. That and, as I've said, my path in sort of accepting that love probably isn't meant for me has helped me to move on and decide: You know what... if it turns out that is true, then what's next?
Does that mean I spend the rest of my life miserable? Or do I find other ways to be happy and learn to work-around it. Mind you, I DO NOT recommend my end conclusion to anybody. The positive end result of that should be that I decide I don't NEED love to be happy (that part I've nailed, so far at least) but I decide to try for it anyway (that part, I've not bothered to try).
So, I'd more suggest THAT conclusion to people than I would my own. But, for now it is working for me.
Religion can be a wonderful and amazing experience. Faith is something that really can help people to hang on through tough times when even they thought they never could. It may not be everybody's path, but I am so glad you found it and that it is working for you. Just like anything in life, there are people who can make religion and faith a terrible and disillusioning experience. I've known some of those people in my own life. Glad to hear you've found a good group who, perhaps without even knowing they are doing it, have been a big part of your positive growth.
You are a good dude! :) You deserve this kind of happiness and self-acceptance! Enjoy it, brother. :)
Thanks Jester!
You are good dude too.
I see that you don't rely on a single person like other half to make you happy. Also you won't worship or see as a God a girl who becomes your other half. And that's good. Cause at the moment when you expect other person to give you everything you need to be happy, to fulfil all your emotional needs - you are rolling over that person with a battle tank - that kind of pressure it is. And there is no human who can fulfil all emotional needs, we all are just a human and sooner or later show our human side with all of it non perfections. Sooner or later all the people let you down, most hurt comes from closest people.
What I mean is that you are in pretty good place Jester. That you don't relly on single source of happiness but a lot of it come from within yourself. You don't seek validation from outside but validation comes from inside of you. That's why you are in great place to start relationship cause you love yourself first what is really good and important in any relationship. Your situation reminds me that Lil Wayne song lyrics- No love found, no love lost.
I mean you are so ready but all that's lacking is will to be loved by someone. Cause you are good on your own. I bet there are many people in your life but you take only little bit of each of them and don't put anyone in center of your life so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket.
In fairness, I don't think that was ever necessarily my problem in love. I never put ALL my hope of happiness into love. It's just I guess that love always felt SO important. It used to always feel like part of me. Like it was partially my calling in life. It was just part of what I felt I needed to be happy... but it was a big part.
Nowadays, I'm finding I don't need it anymore. Maybe I'd still like it. I guess it would be nice if I found it anyway. But I don't need it. I'm fine without. And you are 100% correct. I should look anyway. Hell, that is the best time to look. I just can't find the motivation. I just spent WAY too much time in my life devaluing myself. I don't know if I know how to do it half way. I don't know if I know how to look for love and not go back to my old ways.
Heck, I've talked about this for a while now. Now I know that I COULD try and no matter what happens, even if it goes horribly bad, I would be okay. I'm somehow a new man. I talked, not long ago, about my attitude on it sort of being summed up by the short non-word of "meh." LOL! That's kind of how I feel these days. I wouldn't chase love away if it found me, but I just feel done looking for it. I wish I could shake myself out of that indifference, but I can't and for now that just works for me.
In fact, lately I have been thinking I have so much love to give.... so I'm wondering if maybe my path is somewhere else. Maybe there is some other way I can share that love with the world. I just don't quite know what that path may be yet.
Anyways... blah blah blah! LOL! I'd much rather talk about you. I'm a boring subject. LOL!
Yeah that's what I noticed from your activity on forum - how much love you have to give and how much you care. I used forum as a place to give love too 5 years ago. But every time it was another person, people just come and go often without even saying thanks. So I stopped investing in pass goers so much. But I see that you still care a lot about new members too. This attention and care could as well be invested in relationship, in single person. Like put all your miles on one airline. You know bigger benefits and bonuses, get a lot back in return. Maybe now you are OK on your own. But wouldn't it be nice if someone really cared for you? Sure you love yourself enough but it's never too bad to feel important to someone. Sure there a lot of girls who would need a guy like you but maybe you need a girlfriend too. Since you are okay now but how can you know that you are OK? Since you don't have anything good to compare with, since all your life you been okay. Who knows, instead of ok it could be fcking amazing. Excited instead of happy and feeling damn great instead of ok.
You always forget what you give but never forget to forgive.
You don't feel sorry for how much love you have to give but feel sorry for those who don't want any of it.
Honestly, that is kind of the way I feel about this forum. It's kind of the way I always have. If love doesn't seem to work for me, at least maybe I can help others in some small way to find it themselves. I mean, don't get me wrong. I realize I am just a stranger on a forum. I know it isn't like we can have all that big of an impact just being faceless text on a message board. But, if I am able to help some people even just in some small way, it makes me happy. Even if just to help them realize that they need to appreciate themselves better.
I don't really care if anybody says thanks. I don't care if they even respond back at all after my post. It is nice when they do, but I'm not doing it for gratification or anything like that. I am doing it because I want to help others. Because I know what it can be like to feel so hopelessly alone, and I want to help others not feel that way.
Would it be nice if somebody really cared for me? I don't know. I imagine it would be amazing, sure. I just don't need it now. Not like I always used to need it. I guess now I think of it like having millions of dollars. Sure, that would be freaking awesome.... but I can live without it. I'm not going to go through my life being miserable because I don't have millions of dollars. That's sort of how I feel about love these days.
How can I know that I am okay? Because I spent so much of my life NOT okay. Hell, comparatively I'm not "okay" these days... I'm frigging amazing! Which I somehow managed to achieve all on my own. That romantic side of me will probably always be a part of me. Heck, I guess I wouldn't still be coming here if it wasn't. But, I just owe it to myself to enjoy this, to finally value myself the way I never did before. The way I never could before. Maybe some day I will figure out how to do that and still also look for my true love.... but for now I just can't seem to motivate myself to even want to try. And I don't mean that in a bad way either. I mean that in an "I'm so happy I don't even see the point" kinda way. In an "I'm enjoying this too much to care" kind of way.
Anyway, what's been going on with you? Tell us more about your journey lately with your religious friends.
That's cool Jester that you are so happy that you don't see a point. I kind of was there at the beginning of this week too but I always care a bit. Some part of me always want more and think if anything more possible. I mean if I feel fcking amazing and can help other people feel better then whats more left? Well, I would wish to find that one special person to make feel as amazing as me.
But the middle of the week was dark and I fell back in addiction right after coming closer to God and greater feeling than ever. The problem might be that I can't let go last one thing that stands between me and God. I still hold to this old dirty teddy bear in my closet that is The Girl. She the only girl I went all the way and remember that was the seed for relapse. I have to let these feelings go and clean my soul, mind, and spirit. Yesterday teacher([He have his own story]We was at guys guest house and he sure lives richer than even millionaire I visited. And to think he studies bible for 8 years and before that, there was a time when he couldn't help himself without God) of bible studies prayed for me and I felt the heat in my body. That was when Jesus was working, but it didn't save me from multiple relapses today. I feel disgusted with myself now. What's worse that I feel like let down a girl that is a friend. We chat for like a year but never met despite that I wanted it. So not so long ago I said that I will visit the capital city today cause have business there to secure meeting I got a little poetic and wrote -
"Word is such a deep and powerful that there is put time and feelings in it. Just one word for happiness. You are hidden forever in a quiet word - yes..."
And today I was too lazy to go but she said she needs food for cats so she went to the capital city. Yesterday I was thinking she doesn't want to meet since she didn't say yes but said will see what happens.
I wouldn't write an update at all but you asked for it Jester so I answered.
Also, the guy from nofap forum requited me for 7 phase challenge. The goal is to go for 365 without PMO while competing with many other fapstronauts. I been trying to go a year clean for more than a year but got only 345 days normal mode before started to relapse. This time I am aiming for a year hard mode. Right now on day 0. My game plan is to not just to go to church and read bible what is taking care of my spirit but also take care of my body using tricks to reduce sex drive like since tomorrow I'm taking 2 cold showers a day and avoiding sugar in diet, and going to sleep early and waking early without snoozing. That should make me stronger against temptation.
You know, a popular phrase with recovery and things like that is often "Rome wasn't built in a day." Okay, so I don't know if what you are doing is necessarily "recovery" per se. I guess, maybe, if you felt you had an addiction to that release then maybe it is. But, whether it is or not, I think it applies here.
You had a slip up. That is a shame.... but you are human. It happens. Don't beat yourself up too much. Nothing wrong with trying to do better, striving to get to the point where you don't lapse. ....but at the same time, look how well you were doing. Slip ups may happen from time to time. In time, hopefully you can and will get to the point where it is within your control. Whether that means never doing that at all, or whether it means only doing it here and there in such a way where you don't feel bad about it. Whatever that means for you, hopefully you ultimately achieve that.
But, don't let one slip up, or even a slip up here and there, bring you down too much. As long as you do your very best not to make it a slippery slope where all your progress is lost. Even the best of us has a bad moment now and then.
As for the teddy bear you mentioned, the one that you connect to your ex... It can be hard to completely let go of a relationship that, at one time, you maybe thought could be something really special. Especially in a case like yours where she was the first person you ever really went all the way into a serious relationship with in your life. You will eventually reach a time when you realize she is in your past for good and realize that you are actually probably better off that she is. Maybe you'll then be able to get rid of the teddy bear, or maybe you'll decide to keep it around but it will no longer have the same negative influence on you.
Life is often a series of ups and downs. It might be nice if things could always be amazing and awesome. But, that just isn't life. Unfortunately, the bad times, the tough times will always come around. But that doesn't mean it ISN'T worth fighting through them and back to the good times. Heck, quite the contrary. That is all the more reason it IS worth fighting through the bad times and back to the good times.
Anyway, you can do it, PC. You were doing so well. Don't let one tiny slip up set you back. You can do it! :)
Thanks Jester. It sure was big slip but I learned to recover fast.
That's why we fall - to learn pick ourselfes up.
And become Batman?!?! AWESOME! LOL!Quote:
Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I feel so lonely tonite. Now when I think back about this week then its been pretty damn socialy bussy but I been really high in Tuesday. You know you been high when you feeling low. So monday I met with one girl and guy from church. We 3 know eachother already 8 months and been to pretty great adventures this summer. But monday was great too cause we went to teehause in capital city. Never been there before but you do take shoes off and sit on pillows and drink tea. I drinked yerba mate tea. Its like 10 times stronger than coffee as I got told from girl at a till.
Anyway so we 3 sat down and talked about God, life, relationships, dating sites and pickups(talk up stranger girls on a street). It felt really good and girl looked so beautiful that this could be her best since I know her. Her laughter - she was the heart of our little company. Before I didnt noticed how soft is her heart and how compassionate she is. For example she said since she turned to faith, a lot of people on a street been coming up to her and asking for money, she gave them money but then realized that its an easy way out to give money, that its better to talk to them and get to know the problem and try to help.
Anyway after this night out I wrote to her and to guy how special this night out was. And girl replied right away. Next day I felt really good and remembered how beautiful she was. I felt like in love and started to dream but hold myself back cause she is too good for me. Was thinking about it but in the end decided to tell her how I saw her that night(How pretty she looked and that she was heart of our company). She replied: Pcmaster ! Thanks for kind words. :)
If she liked me too she would say so but guess she dont feel the same way about me.
Well, I don't know the exact content of what you said to her, but maybe she just took it as a compliment and didn't think you had any intentions beyond that. Beyond just complimenting her. Was your intention to imply that you "like her" like her, so to speak? If so, maybe you didn't make that clear.
I will say that if I were you I would be having the same thoughts you shared, though. That would be exactly the same way I'd feel based on her response. All she had to say was "Thanks for the kind words?" I'd be drawing the same conclusions as you.
...But, hey. Think of it this way. You tried. I'll bet that wasn't easy. I'll bet there was some part of you that was tempted not to even risk giving it a chance. Yet you tried anyway. Often times, dating is a process. As nice as it would be, you can't necessarily expect to succeed each time. As much as you can, try not to get too discouraged. MUCH easier said than done, I know.
But, I think you are focusing on the wrong facts. Maybe you tried and she did not seem to return interest. But... you tried. That, to me, is the more important thing. Maybe she didn't return the interest, but eventually some girl will. And, again, not being close enough to the situation, I can't necessarily say for sure whether or not her response actually DID indicate she didn't have the same interest. There is, again, maybe the possibility that she didn't realize there was more to it than just you sharing a kind word or two.
Best of luck, good buddy. Some days are better than others, but I believe in you. The best things in life are often the hardest to get. But they are worth the effort.
Thanks for support Jester. I think best I can do now is pray for her that she finds a guy who is worthy of her.
Its been half a year since things ended with The Girl. I know this cause I just came back from same town where I was when things ended and event I attented happens after every half a year.
It was pretty cool weekend. A lot of talking and praying, singing gospels and basicaly hard core spiritual life. But also a lot of laughts and good company. We were like 100 people with 9 people from our company - 4 guys and 5 girls. We spend late nights in girls room talking about faith and all kind of other stuff, just getting to know eachother. I was chilling in girls beds - one night in one girl bed and other 2 times in another girl bed. Sure girls was present in their beds as well but ofcourse no touching, just talking. I was the chillest of the guys since other guys did sit on chairs.
Because of all the faithfuly spiritual things we did I was expecting miracles this time cause I imersed myself fully into all the processes, like singing and praying. But instead it was good and enjoyable good feeling that gradualy went up. Sure some miracles did happen to others. One girl even said that her heart became 4 times bigger. That must be that holy spirit about what all this weekend was about.
Anyway something changed in me too - my heart really softened during last day since when I was singing in church this song and it was hard not to cry how touching it was. I was unable to cry for the last 3-4 years, I wish I could have cried after breakups with girls but couldnt. I think I had to become whole again to be able cry again.
When love begins to release its fragrance.
Heaven is nearby.
When the walls that imprison our hearts begin to collapse.
Heaven is nearby.
When the (ancient) ruins are rebuilt.
And your deep hurt is healed.
When it begins to rain in the (dry) desert.
Heaven is nearby.
When the gates of peace begin to open.
Heaven is nearby.
When the light of love starts bringing warmth.
Heaven is nearby.
When the chains or doubt are chopped in pieces
And when your deep hurt is healed
When your heart starts to live again
Heaven is nearby.
Sometimes something in us becomes almost damaged... or disconnected, maybe. I've been there myself. In so much pain, but unable to cry, or scream, or let it out. Something. Anything. Numb. Numb would be a good way to describe it. Empty.
Sometimes you can get through that alone... sometimes it takes something. That something can be different for different people, but it just takes something to make you feel full again. Feel complete.
It sounds like maybe your faith has started to be that for you. If so, that is great. That can be the answer for a lot of people. And faith can be wonderful when you find it.... or it finds you. Like I've said.... how you feel about YOU is so much more important than whether or not you have somebody special. A significant other. It does sound like you still struggle with that here and there (don't we all) but it sounds like you are becoming more and more comfortable within yourself. And I am so happy for you for that.
I still hope you find that special somebody you deserve very soon. But, in the meantime, try not to put too much emphasis or importance on it as much as you can help it. Instead, focus on being good to you, and being good in general.
As always, best of luck to you.
A lot been happening lately. Jester.
I fell in love with a girl from a church 2 weeks ago and she said that we are friends and she dont see it otherwise. Anyway it broke me inside and I fell back into black. Now feel distanced from God again despite that was so close before. But still going to church, just less bible reading lately.
Anyway I was messaging with other girl who are friend and got to know that she knows knitting. So that interested me and now she is knitting jumper for me. So thats nice, real usefulness from a friend.
Hows your life been going? Whats been your adventures with girl or friends lately?
Sorry to hear that. You know what? That's her loss. But, as many people will tell you, that is love sometimes. Sad but true. Sometimes you have to ask a lot of women out before you will find one that will give you a chance. Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you become one of those guys who just asks out every female with a pulse hoping somebody will say yes. Personally, that is NOT my style at all. I could be wrong, but I get the impression it isn't your style either.
I'm just saying that you can't let a few "no's" discourage you from continuing to look for that one "yes." Believe me, I know it sucks to be rejected, and I know how hard it can be not to get discouraged. But, that is just life sometimes. Heck, if it were easy maybe it wouldn't be quite as special. You WILL find somebody special some day.
I understand, too, how things like this can even shake your faith somewhat. Even though it isn't like you found your faith just as an excuse to find women. You found your faith because it felt right for you. Because it helped you feel better about you. ...But you can't help feeling a little disillusioned when things don't work out for you in that aspect anyway, and that can lead to questions that are tough to answer.
You seem to have been enjoying your faith before, so I hope that can continue for you. I hope it can help you start to find the strength to bounce back even from the hard times, and to eventually find your way to the good times.
My life, honestly, hasn't changed much since you last asked me about it. For the last couple years or so, I've been sharing how I had a whole sort of "meh" kind of attitude toward love these days. I've said how I've found happiness on my own and it has made me content enough that I just don't see the point in love anymore.... for me anyway.
That's pretty much still where I am. I've accepted it is not happening for me. That it never will. Not long ago, with that realization setting in, I started having a pretty important internal conversation. That being basically... what if I AM right? What if love isn't meant for me, is never going to happen for me? I've said this before, but I finally came to the conclusion that if that is the case, I don't want the answer to be that I'll be angry and depressed and miserable for the rest of my life. So, instead, I've focused on how do I be happy without it?
Some days are good, some days are bad, some days are GREAT. But... generally speaking... it has been working pretty well for me. I've just tried for way too long to fight what just seems to be my nature. People just aren't drawn to me. Nobody cares about me. Never really have, never really will. I can disappear in a crowd. I used to try to fight that. Tried to fit in. Tried to change that. It doesn't work. What's worse, it only makes me MORE miserable and feel MORE alone. I finally realized... why fight it? I need to care about me, and I'd never really done that properly before. I like who I am.... and that is a big accomplishment for me.
I still have SO much love to give.... I'm just trying to figure out how the heck I share that with the world if it isn't going to be in the way I thought. I still don't know what that is... but maybe I'll find it some day. And I still haven't gone completely cold, either. I'm trying, as best I can, not to let that happen. If life decided to prove me wrong after all.... if love found me anyway.... I wouldn't throw it away. I would embrace it. I'm just tired of letting my fate bring me so much hurt. I've taken away its power to hurt me.
I am enough for me. I have to be.
My greatest wish for you, PC, would be to achieve that same level of inner-peace.... but then to also find love anyway. For now, I guess just focus on finding that inner-peace. Focusing on loving you. Because you definitely deserve that. You deserve a great love as well, of course, but you deserve to be good to you. Best of luck, my friend.