Am I just overreacting or is this really nuts?

We dated in High School. I was absolutely crazy about him but he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He got married a few years later. I ended up working with and befriending a lady who I later found out was his wife. We became friends and talked every few years for about 16 years. We got back in touch with each other last year via Facebook and I found out that he had been divorced from his wife for almost 4 years. It was her idea, and he had tried really hard to reconcile hard with her for several years.We decided to meet when he was in my town on a business trip & the sparks flew. We decided that we were going to start seeing each other, but before we could he needed to talk to his ex-wife one last time. He asked her if she thought they would ever get back together and she gave a resounding "no". She said that they would never get back together and that if she ever changed her mind, that she would never tell him anyway....... We decided to give it a shot. She even called me to tell me that she was perfectly ok with us dating .. and teased that if I hurt him, she will hunt me down.
Everything was going along great until I visited him. The visit was awesome.. it was the the aftermath that wasn't so great. He is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts. I stayed at the house after he had already left for work. I left sweet little notes all over the house in crazy locations such as the shower, his drawers, the freezer etc.. I thought that it would be fun for him to find them randomly and that it would make him smile. The problem errupted when she came over and found the notes!.. Yes... she not only has a key to the house, but I found out that the house belongs to her. She went NUTS!!!! She told him that she didn't want me in the house ever again etc...
From this time forward, she would call relentlessly when she knew that he was out of town visiting me. She would come up with a variety of "important issues" that couldn't wait and wouldn't stop calling until he answered. Some of these "emergencies" were such things as did she need to bring cat food by the house . Or asking him if it was OK to give their 20 year old daughter money. Things continued with problem after problem . She got mad because my son & I were at the same concert that he and his daughter went to even though we were completely across the arena from them.... She was snooping through his bank statement when she found a debit where he had rented a cabin for us for the weekend and flipped a lid and threatened to "completely sever all ties with him, sell the house and never speak to him again."
I should mention that they still have a few joint accounts and that she drives one of his cars when she is in town. (She works out of town). He sometimes picks her up at the airport... She has to celebrate every major holiday with him.. Fathers day, his birthday, Christmas, Mothers day, Thanksgiving, She makes it a family affair supposedly because of their daughter. They even celebrated their Wedding anniversary last year. Did I mention that they have been DIVORCED for over 4 years now?
Here's my issue, I don't mind that they get along, i don't mind that they are friends, I do mind that she interferes in our relationship and makes me look like the one with the problem because I got upset when she bought him a 65" TV for Christmas and he reciprocated by buying her an I-Pad. He was going to take me shopping for Christmas. That has yet to happen. It does bother me when he has to call her when he makes it to his destination whether it be on a business trip or other travel because "she worries about him". It does bother me that he let her put her new car on his insurance policy because it was "easier & cheaper on her".
Here's the kicker, I found out that about 2 months after we started dating , she told him that she wanted to come back home .

I know he cares about me and I do love him , but I'm not sure how much more of this that I can tolerate. Am I just being ridiculous or is this really an messed up situation? He thinks that I should just relax & not let it bother me because I " make it into more than it really is".

Am I just crazy?

Obviously she's not respecting your relationship with him, and he's not enforcing proper boundaries.

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who can't respect you enough to handle his business like an adult.

If he unscrews his life later tell him to call you, but don't wait. She's defending territory that isn't even hers. She divorced him after all.

...Are you a troll?

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Originally Posted by Lite [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Obviously she's not respecting your relationship with him, and he's not enforcing proper boundaries.

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who can't respect you enough to handle his business like an adult.

If he unscrews his life later tell him to call you, but don't wait. She's defending territory that isn't even hers. She divorced him after all.

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I think that you are absolutely right and have told him almost the same things before. She reminds me of a 2 year old who has put a toy down because she's tired of playing with it. The minute someone else picks it up, she has a fit.
Thank you~ :)

I don't think so?
I think that I just had hope that things would change.

TROLL

you lot are boring me now with fake stories

Why are you guys calling troll on this? It's a weird story, but what leads you to believe the OP's lying?

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Here's my issue, I don't mind that they get along, i don't mind that they are friends, I do mind that she interferes in our relationship and makes me look like the one with the problem

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You should have added something to this statement. Something like, "I also mind that he tolerates her hysterics and doesn't stick up for me." It's his fault that this situation is happening. Be more mad at him.

I hate to make this sound like a preachy, "you should have known better" thing, but he made it very clear that you were his second choice. It makes sense now that he's enabling her controlling behavior. He's getting the attention from her that he's probably always wanted since their divorce.

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Originally Posted by hello1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

TROLL

you lot are boring me now with fake stories

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What do you mean by troll? And why would you say such a thing about it being fake? My heart says that it is very real otherwise I wouldn't be asking advice from strangers.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why are you guys calling troll on this? It's a weird story, but what leads you to believe the OP's lying?



You should have added something to this statement. Something like, "I also mind that he tolerates her hysterics and doesn't stick up for me." It's his fault that this situation is happening. Be more mad at him.

I hate to make this sound like a preachy, "you should have known better" thing, but he made it very clear that you were his second choice. It makes sense now that he's enabling her controlling behavior. He's getting the attention from her that he's probably always wanted since their divorce.

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Thank you Merry. I feel so stupid for putting up with this for so long I just kept thinking that eventually he would get tired of her crap. One of the confusing parts is that one of the firemen on his shift said that he cant shut up talking about me when he's at work and that he's crazy about me.Their youngest daughter is still in school and lives with him. I do know that she uses her as an excuse to control him alot..... he cant see it.. but it happens all of the time.
Maybe its just time to be done with it all. I don't really want to be dealing with her forever and at this point I feel as though I would be.

p.s. what do they mean by Troll?

A troll is someone who goes on a forum just to stir things up.

Don't mind it. If you know your story is true, don't worry about it.

I think you should initiate a break up. If he doesn't agree to whatever your terms are, then actually break up. Sounds like he'd be pleading for another chance within days. It seems like a situation you should probably just let go, though.

Just I have seen in a other forum the same person writing loads and I mean loads of fake stories all over the forum. Everyone knows they are fake as same style of writing etc.

Maybe I am paranoid but I have noticed here lots thread have same style writing and how it is set out in total story mode like quotation marks etc. It just doesn't seem real, seems more like a fiction story you write out.

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Originally Posted by grneyedgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think that you are absolutely right and have told him almost the same things before. She reminds me of a 2 year old who has put a toy down because she's tired of playing with it. The minute someone else picks it up, she has a fit.
Thank you~ :)

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You remind me more of a two year old than his wife does. She's the one that after having a tantrum gets to spend all holidays and birthdays with this "boy of the hour." You on the other hand have been kicked out of the sand box only to be called back in for a bit of slap and tickle.

Darl'n you're being used... he loves her and he aint leaving her any time soon. Grow up, pick up your toys and go play in someone elses sand box. The one you're insisting on hanging out in is rather crowded.

Geesh! Pull up your big girl panties and quit playing second fiddle to the wifey. You should have known not to get involved when he told you that he had tried his best to reconcile with his loving life mate and he NEEDED to ask her permission to date you (ask her to reconcile) one more time before he would. He was no way over her and she knew it.

P.S. Nice fake photo.

To add to Wakup's point, he probably pictures his ex-wife when he's ****ing you. You should try to style your hair and makeup a little more like hers.

.... Lmao .....

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Originally Posted by hello1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just I have seen in a other forum the same person writing loads and I mean loads of fake stories all over the forum. Everyone knows they are fake as same style of writing etc.

Maybe I am paranoid but I have noticed here lots thread have same style writing and how it is set out in total story mode like quotation marks etc. It just doesn't seem real, seems more like a fiction story you write out.

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Wow!!! Really? Are you sure that you aren't the pot stirring troll? I would LOVE to see these posts. Can u provide us links with dates of course so that we can validate them? ;) I personally have posted to this site and one other. Same user name of course.

You can see more "fake photos" on my Facebook profile. Tracy *****
I didn't realize that spilling my guts would get so many mean responses. Yes, it is
a weird situation, but very real I assure u.
Have a great day,
Tracy

I'll pass, thanks. Some peoples "kids" will do anything for attention.

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Yes, it is a weird situation, but very real I assure u.

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You should be slightly ashamed to admit that you'd stay in such a situation and then admit that it's real. What's missing in you, I ponder?

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Originally Posted by grneyedgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can see more "fake photos" on my facebook profile. Tracy Taylor
I didn't realize that spilling my guts would get so many mean reaponses. Yes, it is
a weird situation, but very real I assure u.
Have a great day,
Tracy

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I still think you are a nice person.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'll pass, thanks. Some peoples "kids" will do anything for attention.

You should be slightly ashamed to admit that you'd stay in such a situation and then admit that it's real. What's missing in you, I ponder?

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My grammar skills must be really lacking if you think that a child wrote that. Listen, I know what my head and my heart say to do.I have struggled with these issues for months. I think that like most of people who submit questions on here, I was simply looking for confirmation of what needed to be done. What I wasn't looking for were the rude remarks. My heart hurts enough knowing what must be done ok? So, please, enough with the garbage.
One last thing, I may have been stupid to admit to what was going on, but at least I was honest. Which in my opinion is much better than the alternative. I never once said that I was going to stay in this relationship. You can't help who your heart falls for and had I known that all of this was going to transpire I sure as hell would have stayed away.

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Originally Posted by ctr916 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I still think you are a nice person.

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Thank you ctr916. That was sweet and couldn't have came at a better time.

Hi,

sadly, it seems to me that you are No2 in this relationship and will be for a very, very long time if not forever. He's nowhere near past his wife, in fact he's actively still pursuing her and the fact that he told you she was his choice but she turned him down should tell you the reality.

Sorry if this is harsh, but it;s a fact - he's into you for a good time and stuff, but it's his wife who he really wants and you won't ever change that.

If you are happy with this, which you seem you're not, stick with it. But if you;re not, leave as it won't change I'm afraid.

Best wishes.

Thank you for being so nice in your responses. When that man asked if I was a troll , I took it as being a homely unattractive person.That is why I put my pic on here. I thought he was hinting at the fact that I must be so "trollish" that I couldn't get anyone else, so I put up with Ed's crap and all of the garbage with his ex-wife.. This is real, I am real , & the whole thing is so confusing to me. There are a lot times when I see a glimmer of change. We actually quit seeing as much of each other back in October. He's a fireman so he works 24 on 48 off.We saw each other a lot in the beginning. Even though we live 5 hours apart we managed to see each other once a week. Now it's more like once a month. He was really starting to feel the pressure from both sides. He told me that if she called and he didn't answer and she knew that he was at work , he didn't get crap from her at all. If she knew that he was with me or in Oklahoma , her bitching became 10 X worse. Of course he got it from me too, complaining about setting boundaries & that our relationship or where he was should be none of her concern. If he still wanted her, why hasn't he let her come home in all of these months? I really truly believe that they aren't having a sexual type of thing going on. He says that he doesn't want to get back with her because there is too much water under the bridge and that the reason that he had asked her before we started seeing each other was to prevent this sort of thing and also because he's stubborn and kept feeling like he had failed a 20 year marriage. I was ok with it because they had kids together and I didn't want this sort of thing going on either. I am only the second person that he's dated in 4 years . The first one was for a very short time.. she wanted to get serious and he ran. This isn't from his mouth. I have heard it from several of his friends and other firefighters. He said that if it weren't for our history together(high school) that he wouldn't have even been willing to try being in a relationship again.

I just don't understand it all. I feel like sometimes he tries sooo hard. He does try to make things special. He rented a house on the lake in Hot Springs for my Birthday. He's been looking for a new motorcycle lately and talks about it has to have a backrest for me...I am convinced that he sees me in his life, and it would have been much easier to just have ended it back in October v/s slowing it down somewhat. I just don't get it.
I just don't see why he can't cut the strings from her. I don't want him to hate her.. I just don't want him to make her so important of a priority. He can't have the same friendship with her that he did have before he was in a relationship. Why does it all have to be so hard?
Thank you for reading my drama. I really need someone to listen otherwise I wouldn't have laid all of my business out in public. This is all just ripping my heart out.
Tracy

Tracy: Why can't you accept (see) that you enable him to treat you as an option? You nag him for what you want but you never stop taking him on whenever he wants to be with you. You let him have his cake and eat it too and why would any man give up the best of both worlds if they don't have to?

Stop believing everything his fellow firefighters say. They are a comradship and they will say / do anything that needs doing to help their brother maintain the status quo. If he doesn't show you in actions that he values you the way you want and deserve to be valued then you are just an option to him. Tell him to make a decision and leave you alone until he's made up his mind. You nagging him is not making him change or choose.

If he doesn't choose you then try finding a man within easy driving distance so that you don't find yourself the part-time lover to a man with much baggage once again.

Good luck. Be strong and open your eyes to the truth.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Tracy: Why can't you accept (see) that you enable him to treat you as an option? You nag him for what you want but you never stop taking him on whenever he wants to be with you. You let him have his cake and eat it too and why would any man give up the best of both worlds if they don't have to?

Stop believing everything his fellow firefighters say. They are a comradship and they will say / do anything that needs doing to help their brother maintain the status quo. If he doesn't show you in actions that he values you the way you want and deserve to be valued then you are just an option to him. Tell him to make a decision and leave you alone until he's made up his mind. You nagging him is not making him change or choose.

If he doesn't choose you then try finding a man within easy driving distance so that you don't find yourself the part-time lover to a man with much baggage once again.

Good luck. Be strong and open your eyes to the truth.

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Thank You. I talked to him tonight. Obviously he can't see what he's doing. He said that he always wants her as his friend and has no interest or plans for anything else in the future. I told him go be her friend then and that I am not doing this anymore. I also told him that he will never be in a healthy relationship as long as she's in the big middle of things calling all of the shots . It's funny how life works. I never thought that I could be in a position like this. I've always considered myself as a take no BS kind of girl. Thanks for the kick in the arse.