Can you train yourself to let go of the idea of "love"?

I've always wished I could have a normal "love life", because I think it would nice to have someone special in my life (and to also be "someone special" to someone else), but I've never even come close to that. I'm at a point where I have absolutely no doubts that I will never have someone in my life. It's just a forgone conclusion at this point.

The problem is, the desire for it won't go away. It's hard, because no matter what I do or where I look, I'm reminded of the idea of "love". I can't watch a show or movie, or read a book, or even play a video game, that doesn't end up having some kind of romantic subplot, or involves sex. Everyone around me is in (or has recently been in) a relationship, so I constantly hear people chattering about their own love lives. It's just impossible to get away from.

So how do you do it? How do you completely erase that desire from your mind?

You don't....you embrace it.

Sure you can. My SO had given up hope. So had I.

Just live your life and take what comes. Don't hide from people though, just learn to enjoy them without expectation. May you be as surprised as we were.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't....you embrace it.

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Hard to do when you don't have anything to embrace.

I would say it like this: stay engaged, but not over-invested. Its the expectation that is killing you. Let it go, but w/o becoming a hermit. Hope this makes sense.

Depends, if you have some experiences it lessens. I wouldn't say you can ever let go of it, because without some form of love for something you won't have the motivation to live. When it comes to relationships, you can just be cold (at least I can) and try to get what you want out of it.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sure you can. My SO had given up hope. So had I.

Just live your life and take what comes. Don't hide from people though, just learn to enjoy them without expectation. May you be as surprised as we were.

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I guess, but that's kind of what I've been trying to do for the last... several years, now. I can't say I believe in something happening "serendipitously", especially because I've never been a particularly lucky person. I've been trying to not pay attention to it, but like I said, that's extremely difficult to do when it's all around you, and you can't even get a date.

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Originally Posted by stev123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Depends, if you have some experiences it lessens. I wouldn't say you can ever let go of it, because without some form of love for something you won't have the motivation to live. When it comes to relationships, you can just be cold (at least I can) and try to get what you want out of it.

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Well, I guess I need to clarify. I'm not talking about "love" in terms of "passion", as in, loving your career or loving a hobby. I'm talking about having a romantic one-on-one relationship with someone. Never had one, never will, but I always wanted to have one so badly. I want to make that "want" go away, because it leads to me having a lot of grief.

You'll just have to wait till the right person comes along

Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it never will.

Think like it has already happened and you will have it, I promise you. But, you have to believe so strongly like you see a real wall in front of you and you still know that it doesn't exist. If you believe that strongly, you will have it. Anything good in this world is possible. What you see as real is just as real as your dreams - the only difference is its intensity. You have to remove any doubt that comes to you - that means don't grieve your situation - because by doing that you are acknowledging that you don't believe.

Don't believe everything you see in the media. They are all selling something.

I guess, but I've "believed" for several years, and I've "least expected it" for the last several years as well, and nothing, not even so much as a date. Kinda hard not to draw the conclusion that I've drawn from that, yanno?

Yes, but note something. You didn't believe strongly enough, because when it didn't happen you stopped believing - that's not believing. You have to believe even when you don't see it and when you are not getting it. If you had still believed when you kept not getting it, you'd have gotten it.

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Originally Posted by toknow [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, but note something. You didn't believe strongly enough, because when it didn't happen you stopped believing - that's not believing. You have to believe even when you don't see it and when you are not getting it. If you had still believed when you kept not getting it, you'd have gotten it.

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I think I "believed" for long enough, though. There comes a point where "belief" just isn't good enough, there has to be actual proof. I've tried to convince myself to "believe" for about eight years now. Last year, I actually thought it had paid off. I found the perfect girl for me, and everything between us happened as well as it possibly could have, except when I asked her out, she said no. I was kinda starting to lose my "belief" before I hit it off with her, and after she turned me down, I just couldn't keep doing it anymore. In my mind, that was supposed to be it, that was supposed to be the payoff for all the years I spent "believing", but something went horribly, horribly wrong, and I lost it.

True belief is not conditional and so are the results.

I guess, but it's difficult to believe in something for 8+ years and never even come close to seeing any payoff. I mean, how much longer am I supposed to keep holding out? Why do I have to hold out for some undisclosed amount of time, while everyone else gets to date and whatnot whenever? Not to mention, when you go through the situation I described, it makes it too hard to believe anymore. I feel like the rug was completely pulled out from under me, with that. It's just not something I think I can come back from.

Jump off a bridge then.....

How many women have you asked out this month so far?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How many women have you asked out this month so far?

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In person, I haven't met any girls I wanted to ask out. I still kinda browse around online dating sites and try to force myself to write to any girl that seems decent enough. I'd say in the last few weeks, I've tried contacting about five girls online. None would write me back. Actually, with one of them, she was interested in just hooking up and having a more "casual" relationship with me, and while I was wary of that, I went along with it, but I think she kind of chickened out at the last minute, and we're not in contact anymore.

Five? That`s it? and you are ready to throw in the towel? Come back here when you have reached 100 girls asked out.

Well, she said "this month". I've sporadically been trying to talk to and meet girls on dating sites for a while, now. I haven't exactly kept count of how many, but when I said "five", I was only referring to the last four or so weeks. Although, in the last year, there's only been one girl I REALLY wanted to go out with.

Every single girl I've asked out or tried to start something with has turned me down (whether it be directly, or just not responding to me online).

You and most other guys.

How so? I know of plenty of guys that have no trouble having a "love life" without hitting on every single girl they come across. I'm almost 25 and have never even been on a date. My situation isn't like "most other guys" at all, as far as I can tell. Of it were, no guys would have girlfriends.

Why do you think is it so hard for you to find a date? Do you have a fullfilling life in every other aspect other than your love life? Maybe you Need to work more on things that you can control, like your career, your physical health, anything that makes you happier and more satisfied with yourself. It will give you more confidence and will make you more appealing to women. Don't Focus too much on finding someone, it'll happen or it won't but in the meantime do something with yourself.

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Originally Posted by Busy Bee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why do you think is it so hard for you to find a date?

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Eh, I dunno. The thing is, as it pertains to the idea of "asking out as many girls as possible", I just don't see the value in doing that. To me, that basically equates to taking what you can get, and settling for the person you can tolerate the most. And I don't want to "take what I can get", I don't want to end up with someone just because I can "tolerate" them. If I ever get married, I don't want the reason we got together in the first place to be "She said yes when I asked her out, and she also lets me sleep with her". I want to hit it off with someone, I want to build up a bond with someone, and I want that to turn into a budding romance. I don't want to just hit on every girl I meet and settle for whoever says yes to me. But at the same time, I almost never find anyone I really "hit it off" with that I think could become something more.

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Originally Posted by Busy Bee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you have a fullfilling life in every other aspect other than your love life? Maybe you Need to work more on things that you can control, like your career, your physical health, anything that makes you happier and more satisfied with yourself. It will give you more confidence and will make you more appealing to women. Don't Focus too much on finding someone, it'll happen or it won't but in the meantime do something with yourself.

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I'd say I'm content with the other areas of my life. I'm not exactly where I want to be just yet, but I'm working at it, it's going to take some time. Like I said, I'm not purposely trying to "focus on it". I went a good 5-ish years without "focusing on it", just focusing on college and work. Ever since I fell for the last girl I liked last year, I've just been having a hard time not thinking about it, especially because everything else in my life is on the right track. Her rejecting me, and then me having to deal with the guy(s) she chose to date over me has been making me painfully aware of how lonely I am, and how much I wish I could have someone (especially someone like her) in my life.

I can relate to the question because I felt like that before. But here's what I've discovered. You can never really do away with the desire to love and be loved, it's hard wired into us. That's how we were created. With that said, you can numb your mind and become cold-hearted, but that's a miserable life that eventually ends of horrid solitud.

It sounds like to me, that you need to first get clear on your value and learn to love yourself. Then get clear on "who" , i.e. the description of the person you want (more than just the physical aspects, but the real big aspects of character you want in the person you want to be with), then go out and become the person who they'd be attracted to, as far as hobbies, interest, etc.

Hope this was helpful

Hello, I think I can give you some input on this topic.

I am a guy who has been rejected probably more times than he can count. Many times after going on dates with women. I guess I was on the more clingy side since I'm the kind of guy who likes to spend a lot of time with whoever I'm dating, but then they always wound up ignoring my texts after a while or hooking up with someone else.

After about 3 years of going through the same routine, I finally said "f*ck it". I decided "I'm just going to work my job, hangout with my friends, and have some fun.. I don't need a relationship or any of that jazz." After I decided this, I would just go after girls for sex, not relationships. I didn't believe in love. Then one of the girls who I was having sex with wound up getting closer to me and brought up being in a relationship. I told her "yes" because she was a very nice girl and we got along well. I wasn't really looking for a relationship but I figured "why the hell not?"

A few months later, I cheated on this girl with the girl who had broken my heart who I chased for years. She heard about me dating this girl, and wanted me back in her life. I said no at first, but I finally caved. The first two months were great, however I slowly realized why I gave up on her and heavily regretted dumping the girl I cheated on. I hate myself for it and regret it to this day.

Now, I am very depressed. I isolated myself from all of my friends (who don't even call me anymore) and live back at my mother's house. I stopped going to work a week ago and didn't even give them notice. I haven't really been leaving my house other than to job hunt or run errands. I wake up every single day in anger and am very irritable. I often fantasize about "going postal" which is horrible to say, but I do. I feel as though I have demons living inside me like I'm possessed and often don't have control over myself (kind of like the incredible hulk). My question to you is, do you want to live like this? I am a man who gave up on "love" and has resorted to a life of isolation and alienation from other people. I no longer feel human.

This will happen to you too. Don't give up.

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Originally Posted by MrHV [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can relate to the question because I felt like that before. But here's what I've discovered. You can never really do away with the desire to love and be loved, it's hard wired into us. That's how we were created. With that said, you can numb your mind and become cold-hearted, but that's a miserable life that eventually ends of horrid solitud.

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Well, I've already hit a point where, internally, I feel very bitter and "angry" about this subject. Now, the notion of dating, and girls, and all that, starts to make my blood boil, and when I see/ hear people around me flaunting their "love lives", internally, I just want them to shut up and go away (of course, I'm not the kind of person that would actually snap or lash out at others).

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Originally Posted by MrHV [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It sounds like to me, that you need to first get clear on your value and learn to love yourself. Then get clear on "who" , i.e. the description of the person you want (more than just the physical aspects, but the real big aspects of character you want in the person you want to be with), then go out and become the person who they'd be attracted to, as far as hobbies, interest, etc.

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I already have a very clear description of the kind of person I'd most like to be with, and I've never been concerned with looks at all. When it comes to "looks", I don't have a "type", like most people claim to. As odd as it sounds, my basis for attraction is almost entirely based on personality and "chemistry" with a person. But, it seems I don't know what that type of person actually wants. Case in point, the last girl I was into. Me and her were on the exact same "wavelength" mentally, we're both smart and mature, we have the exact same sense of humor, we make the same observations about the world around us, we really seemed to understand each other very well. I thought that's what she wanted out of a person, and it just so happened that I reflected a lot of those things. But as it turned out, she's more into the typical "cool" guys, that like to drink a lot and party, guys that are often kinda dumb and/ or immature. I'm not "hot", and I can't be "cool" and "exciting" the same way those guys are. All I've taken away from this experience is that it doesn't matter how smart and mature a girl is, nor does it matter how well the two of you connect; chances are, she'd rather have a guy that's "hot", "cool", and "exciting".

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Originally Posted by afroman [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My question to you is, do you want to live like this? I am a man who gave up on "love" and has resorted to a life of isolation and alienation from other people. I no longer feel human.

This will happen to you too. Don't give up.

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In a way, I'm already there, to be honest. I'm already similarly isolated and alone in the world, and while I'd never get to the point where I'd do any physical harm to anyone else, I think within the next 2-3 years, I can see myself getting to a point where I question whether I want to continue living anymore. Every day, I'm growing more and more bitter and cynical. I don't know what, exactly, is wrong with me, but I just don't seem to possess the ability to connect with people (you could say that I also don't "feel human", and honestly, I don't think I ever really have), and when you lack the ability, it's a very sad, depressing life to be stuck with.

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Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I guess, but that's kind of what I've been trying to do for the last... several years, now. I can't say I believe in something happening "serendipitously", especially because I've never been a particularly lucky person. I've been trying to not pay attention to it, but like I said, that's extremely difficult to do when it's all around you, and you can't even get a date.



Well, I guess I need to clarify. I'm not talking about "love" in terms of "passion", as in, loving your career or loving a hobby. I'm talking about having a romantic one-on-one relationship with someone. Never had one, never will, but I always wanted to have one so badly. I want to make that "want" go away, because it leads to me having a lot of grief.

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Welp... you have to get "out there" and give serendipity a chance. It DOES take effort on your part. Do you have outside activities?

I think the mistake your making is looking for the emotional attachment first. That puts you in the friendzone. Stop trying to be girls friend and if she seems like a nice girl who is attractive just ask her out. You can take things slow and if it doesn't work out-who cares. You can try again.

Its admirable that you want a lot more than just a good looking girl and want to take the time to get to know her first but the dating world doesnt work that way and if you dont hurry to catch the fish-someone else will.

Years of social conditioning trains people to believe that love is real and that life is unfulfilled without it. The idea of "love" is created through storytelling; its a fabrication. The strong emotions provoked by the concept of love is similar to watching a movie and tearing up about it except it is rewinded a billion times in our minds.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you have outside activities?

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At the moment, no, not really, but I have a hard time finding things I to do that I think I'd enjoy or want to give a try, that would also get me out meeting people. Besides, "serendipity" doesn't work when you're unlucky the way I am.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think the mistake your making is looking for the emotional attachment first. That puts you in the friendzone. Stop trying to be girls friend and if she seems like a nice girl who is attractive just ask her out. You can take things slow and if it doesn't work out-who cares. You can try again.

Its admirable that you want a lot more than just a good looking girl and want to take the time to get to know her first but the dating world doesnt work that way and if you dont hurry to catch the fish-someone else will.

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See, I still don't really "get" the whole friend zone thing. Some people suggest that it's completely based on time; like "If you don't ask a girl out within x amount of time, you're in the friend zone", but I've encountered a number of couples in the past that knew each other for a good bit of time before they started dating (heck, the last girl I liked knew her current boyfriend for the exact same amount of time she knew me, about a year, and they started dating back in December). If time automatically puts you in the friend zone, why does it seem like so many couples got together after knowing each other for a while? If the time thing were true, shouldn't none of those have gotten together? If there's something I'm missing, I'd really appreciate it if someone could explain to me how it's not uncommon for couples to get together after knowing each other for a while, despite the fact that time is supposedly a major factor in the whole "friend zone" thing.

This leads me to believe that there has to be more to it than time. I've always held to the belief that it has more to do with how far you go with the emotional connection. The prime examples of guys in the "friend zone" seem to be the door mat type that try to spend every waking moment with the girl they like but refuse to actually ask her out, all while trying to be her "best friend", "shoulder to cry on", etc. I don't act like that while pursuing a girl. For me, it's mostly just conversation, some joking around and teasing, but always keeping some distance so we don't get too close. The only time I get all wishy-washy and start trying too hard to be present and attached is AFTER a girl turns me down and I get the stupid idea in my head that I can "win them over in time". Other than that, I feel like I keep it pretty cool before I ask a girl out.