marriage is falling a part

3 weeks ago I moved out of my house because my wife went out on four different days and didnt come home. She went to the bar with her friends. The last time she did this I left I couldn't take it anymore. She says she loves and misses me but doesn't want me to come home saying she needs time to think and be alone. But really I think she just wants to be able to do whatever she wants too. I told her I didn't mind her goin out but being gone for 8 hours at the bar or not coming home at all isn't exceptable for a married women with four kids. All of the kids are my step kids. Shes complaining that I'm always tired when I get home from work. But I work 60 hours a week as a mechanic I can't help but be tired. I come home everyday and spend almost 3 hours cooking dinner for all of us plus I drop all the kids off at school in the morning and do all thw yard work.. Shes also saying we never go out but its not true at least once a week we go out for dinner or shopping. She never wants to be home she says all she does is clean when she is. This is not how I want my marriage to be and am seriously thinking about calling it quits. She doesn't want me home yet still wants my pay check I gave her every week. I thought everything was fine till she started all this a few weeks ago. Theres so much more to say but this is a good start.

Whats driving me nuts is I didnt do anything for my wife to act this way toward me. I always have put her and the kids first before myself. She wants me to change a lot so many things I feel like I'm in the middle of an interview when we talk about me coming home. All shes thinking about is herself and whats making her happy. I keep telling her I can't afford to be living some where else and still pay the bills at the house I'm not allowed to live in. If I did anything wrong it spoiling her and making her think she has full say of whats going to happen. All I ever wanted was to be a family without the drama.

The romance is dead in your marriage, so she seeks refuge with goin out and getting attention from other men. No you didn't do anything wrong, you both did. You both got so caught up in your respnsabilities you stopped being a couple, going out on dates, spending quality time together, and making the best of it with your hectic schedule.

You both are being short sighted at as what needs to be done to fix this. I suggest couples counseling so that you both have someone there to guide you both on realistic expectations, compromises, etc and real work through it.

From what I see you are too busy resenting her because you work so hard and you feel you are entitled to some respect and her issues are petty, while she is resenting you because instead of working on a compromise you shut her down.

Remember there is more to a marriage than bringing home the bacon.

Man you let this go too far. She acting like a princess. Look how much you spoilet her. I think best you can do is take a break like few weeks or month. Be completely gone and then without you she will learn to appreciate your cooking(lol she should cook) and money. I mean when things you do are not appreciated you have to stop doing these things. BTW glutamine can help you recover faster after work.

How long have you lived with her and where do you live. Depending on the Family Laws in your area, if you leave her then you may be responsible for child support for her children even if you do leave her.

Who babysits when she goes out catting? If you say you then yes, as PC says you're allowing her to do what she does.

Does she work? How come you're paying all the bills and doing all the cooking for everybody? If she works (have a job) and takes care of the children and do some house work, I can understand why she wants to go out but absolutely not for eight hours.

You need couples therapy to see if you can save your marriage. If you decide to leave, you will NOT be responsible paying for child support. It will be the biological father who needs to support the kids. But of course, if the biological father had been absent for awhile and you have been supporting all her kids for sometime, it would be unfair just to cut them off.

Where is the biological father by the way?

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If you decide to leave, you will NOT be responsible paying for child support.

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Do you know that for sure, China? Here in the province I live in if he's been providing for them then he will have to continue even if they split. Any assets accumulated during their living together would be considered community property and would be split accordingly... while the biological father also contributes according to his income.

That's why I asked where he lived. I wanted to check for sure what the family laws are where he lives.

Canada is a socialist state lol

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How long have you lived with her and where do you live. Depending on the Family Laws in your area, if you leave her then you may be responsible for child support for her children even if you do leave her.

Who babysits when she goes out catting? If you say you then yes, as PC says you're allowing her to do what she does.

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No child support for step-kids in the U.S. He may be on the hook for separate maintenance (alimony) but that's got a time-limit.

Thanks, HIA. While I was waiting to see if China was certain I searched and came up with this link:

http://www.stepfamilies.info/articles/do-i-have-an-obligation-to-support-my-stepchildren.php

Which states in part: (which also makes USA somewhat "Socialist" as well :)

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The Estoppel Doctrine prevents a stepparent from taking a different position or going back on a promise if the child would be financially harmed by the change. It is based on fairness when three conditions exist. The first condition is Representation, as indicated when the stepparent assumes the role of the child's parent — including providing financial support. The second condition is Detriment, describing the stepparent who interferes with the child's relationship with the biological parent and destroys the possibility of obtaining financial support from that parent. The third condition is Reliance, whereby the child relies upon the love and financial support of the stepparent. The Estoppel Doctrine prevents a stepparent from taking a different position or going back on a promise if the child would be financially harmed by the change. It is based on fairness when three conditions exist. The first condition is Representation, as indicated when the stepparent assumes the role of the child's parent — including providing financial support. The second condition is Detriment, describing the stepparent who interferes with the child's relationship with the biological parent and destroys the possibility of obtaining financial support from that parent. The third condition is Reliance, whereby the child relies upon the love and financial support of the stepparent. If these three conditions exist and a divorce occurs, the court may rule that the stepparent is responsible for child support.

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Lets hope Op doesn't have those three conditions existing.

It also says:

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By all means, do give love and financial support to your stepchildren. Just don't create a problem for yourself by aggressively interfering with the child's relationship with the biological parent and developing a pattern of paying for a child's necessary expenses when the biological parent is willing and able to do it.

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And something else that doesn't make it so black and white as "no you won't be responsible"

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Where states have a statute providing that a stepparent has a financial responsibility to support a stepchild, it appears to be based upon the in loco parentis doctrine. Nevertheless, most stepchildren cannot legally claim support from their residential stepparents as few states have enacted statutes to enforce child support obligations on stepparents. (Twenty states do have a statute imposing a financial responsibility on the stepparent while the stepchild is living in the household: DE, HA, IA, KY, ME, MO, NJ, NY, NC, ND, OK, OR, SD, UT, VT, WA.)

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Where are you OP... How are things going? Before you do anything get lawyer advise. Most will give you one hour free consultation.

You sound like a hard working man that will do anything for his family, so here is my advice to you.....sit down with her and have a serious convo. What she is doing is wrong,yes you said yourself going out once in a while is okay but not coming home to your family is not okay. Tell her she you two made a vow to be there for each other, marriage is not a 1 way road it takes 2 to make it work. There is also responsibilities ex. the kids. You work long hours and still come home to cook,that shows that you care about your family. If she wants to make this marriage work also she needs to put in effort. All you can do is talk to her about how you really feel,whats bothering you and what you two can do to fix it.

Well I'm still not home. I've been married to her a little over 2 years now. Me and her are supposed to go for a walk today and have dinner but who knows. We were texting each other last night and at around 9pm she quit texting me and I haven't heard from her since. I really don't know how this is gonna turn out but I do know the longer I'm gone that its getting much easier. And from the first comment I was given I give her lots of attention I never made her not feel wanted if anything I probably spoiled her too much. We're gonna try counseling but I think we're just two different people. What a messed up situation.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you know that for sure, China? Here in the province I live in if he's been providing for them then he will have to continue even if they split. Any assets accumulated during their living together would be considered community property and would be split accordingly... while the biological father also contributes according to his income.

That's why I asked where he lived. I wanted to check for sure what the family laws are where he lives.

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He has the US flag. He is NOT responsible paying for child support being the step father specially if the biological father is involved with the children. Only under very rare condition when a court MAY ( key word being MAY) enforce child support payment from a step parent but even the step parent can contest that by hiring a good attorney.

A mother cannot collect two child supports ( from the biological father and the stepfather). They may consider the step fathers income as part of the household income when calculating how much the biological father's responsibility in terms of child support payment.

But you are right about assets accumulated during the marriage! it has to be split accordingly depending on the state he lives in.

In NY, even if the wife has not worked in the entirety of the marriage, she is entitled to 50% of the marital property.

And my BF who is a litigation lawyer says that unless he legally adopted the kids, he is NOT responsible for child support for the stepchildren.

If we end up divorcing I don't want anything but my truck and my personal things which I know she wont have a problem with. I'm gonna make it real easy because I don't want to string it a long. Also she does work but its not physically demanding like mine so she doesn't get tired from working. Shes not understanding at all I can honestly say I feel like she just cares about what makes her happy.

Are you considering marriage counseling at all?

I think the issue is that she doesn't seem interested in working things out.

If that's the case, therapy is pointless...

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He has the US flag. He is NOT responsible paying for child support being the step father specially if the biological father is involved with the children.

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DID you read the link?

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Only under very rare condition when a court MAY ( key word being MAY) enforce child support payment from a step parent but even the step parent can contest that by hiring a good attorney.

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Yes "may" is the key word. It's not definite that he won't have to pay. WE didn't/don't know all the details of their situation so that's why I questioned it. He shouldn't listen to a forum board of people who don't know his entire situation. A lawyer is where he should rely on "he won't have to pay" statements. IMO.

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A mother cannot collect two child supports ( from the biological father and the stepfather).

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How do you know the bio father is paying support?

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They may consider the step fathers income as part of the household income when calculating how much the biological father's responsibility in terms of child support payment.

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Makes sense but what if he's not paying anything and the Op has been financially supporting them for the last two years?

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And my BF who is a litigation lawyer says that unless he legally adopted the kids, he is NOT responsible for child support for the stepchildren.

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Cool but if he doesn't know what or how the financial situation has been ongoing then how can he say that the three stipulations as in that link won't apply?

It's more then possible that he won't have to pay but it's also possible that he will have to and If she's going to be a cow about it then she could take him to court (because lawyers like to do that) and fight to have them looked after financially by him (if the criteria meets).

I'm just questioning because I just don't think absolute statements that he won't have to pay apply unless we know all the details.

Two years isn't a very long time. How long did you date her before you moved in with her and her 5, Op?

Do you know if she was cheating on you when she was out all night long? What was her excuse for that?

Even if the biological father is not paying, the custodial parent who is the mother is working so the absolute support has to come from the mother. The only time when a step parent has to step in is where non of the custodial parents are capable of supporting any of their kids (even that has to be voluntary).

Once the marriage is dissolved between the custodial parent and the step parent, the step parent will no longer have to provide any support ( if he/she does, it's all voluntary and not because it is court ordered).

And as per my BF, in his entire life practicing as a litigation lawyer, he has never heard of any case where Estoppel Doctrine has been enforced. He's brother is also a lawyer who happens to specialize in divorce cases and family law and have never heard of such a thing.

Of course, anything is possible, but in his case, it's highly unlikely.

I'm closing my case because knowing you wake up, you just don't give up and I don't know why you are always attacking my opinion.
And I'm just going to ignore you in any future reference to any of my post ;-)

China... I'm not going to counter. The link doesn't agree with what you're saying so all I'm going to suggest to the op is that he seek out a lawyer before he does anything. All he needs is to be surprised with garansheed wages or something after he leaves with his truck.

He needs Family Law Litigator. The law is there... It doesn't just go away because someone hasn't come across it in their practice. Like I said, he probably won't have to pay (depending on their circumstances) but there is provision where he may have to as well. That's all I'm saying.

... And I'm not attacking your post(s). I'm just refuting your absolute statement in this instance. After reading that you call this an "attack" I think I made a mistake, a too early conclusion about you in general though.

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Of course, anything is possible, but in his case, it's highly unlikely.

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FWIW and in case you missed it... ^^that was the point of my counter.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

DID you read the link?



It's more then possible that he won't have to pay but it's also possible that he will have to and If she's going to be a cow about it then she could take him to court (because lawyers like to do that) and fight to have them looked after financially by him (if the criteria meets).

I'm just questioning because I just don't think absolute statements that he won't have to pay apply unless we know all the ?

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Lawyers will only take a case when there is a financial gain... In OP's situation, there seems to be none unless they make tons of money but he said he can't afford to rent a place and still pay for household bills.

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Lawyers will only take a case when there is a financial gain...

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Well considering that she'd be paying him then there would be a financial gain.

I think you're referring to law suits where the lawyer will sue if he thinks he can win... and where he ends up with a third of the award.

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Sorry Op... I've taken it off topic when all I wanted to do was advise you to get legal council so you'd know your rights and obligations.

Yeah I actually contacted a counselor yesterday and I'm really gonna try hard to make it work. Its just she has so many petty issues with me its crazy. Little things that I do to everyone and didn't think was a big deal. Like coming home and if shes in the phone I'll say hi hun who u talking too? Well apparently she doesn't like me doin that. Just little stuff that I didn't think mattered. She has little things she does as well and I don't think twice about it. Shes just never happy with anything I do. Once a few years back I got laid off and wasn't making much money for about 3 monthes. She always got up set the we were broke but I wasn't tired. I got a good job the one I have now and am making good money now she says I'm always tired and should find a job that wont wear me out. Does that make any sense?

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I live in michigan if we split i will not have to pay child support I did not adopt the kids.

Agree that woman dont make any sense. Yo shouldnt allow her to yourself to be doormat. FIND A COMPROMISE. Never stay quiet but tell your opinion aswell. Are you sure she havent cheated? She acts kinda suspicious like her heart is not true anymore like you are not her favorite man anymore. There must be something thats causing it. Wether your confidence or that you rarely speak up for yourself or just let her do whatever she wants. But clearly she lost respect/liking to you.

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Originally Posted by alp82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah I actually contacted a counselor yesterday and I'm really gonna try hard to make it work. Its just she has so many petty issues with me its crazy. Little things that I do to everyone and didn't think was a big deal. Like coming home and if shes in the phone I'll say hi hun who u talking too? Well apparently she doesn't like me doin that. Just little stuff that I didn't think mattered. She has little things she does as well and I don't think twice about it. Shes just never happy with anything I do. Once a few years back I got laid off and wasn't making much money for about 3 monthes. She always got up set the we were broke but I wasn't tired. I got a good job the one I have now and am making good money now she says I'm always tired and should find a job that wont wear me out. Does that make any sense?

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I live in michigan if we split i will not have to pay child support I did not adopt the kids.

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I applaude your loyalty and patience with your wife. Is your wife willing to go for couples therapy?

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Originally Posted by alp82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah I actually contacted a counselor yesterday and I'm really gonna try hard to make it work. Its just she has so many petty issues with me its crazy. Little things that I do to everyone and didn't think was a big deal. Like coming home and if shes in the phone I'll say hi hun who u talking too? Well apparently she doesn't like me doin that. Just little stuff that I didn't think mattered. She has little things she does as well and I don't think twice about it. Shes just never happy with anything I do. Once a few years back I got laid off and wasn't making much money for about 3 monthes. She always got up set the we were broke but I wasn't tired. I got a good job the one I have now and am making good money now she says I'm always tired and should find a job that wont wear me out. Does that make any sense?

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I live in michigan if we split i will not have to pay child support I did not adopt the kids.

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I applaude your loyalty and patience with your wife. Is your wife willing to go for couples therapy?

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well considering that she'd be paying him then there would be a financial gain.

I think you're referring to law suits where the lawyer will sue if he thinks he can win... and where he ends up with a third of the award.

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Sorry Op... I've taken it off topic when all I wanted to do was advise you to get legal council so you'd know your rights and obligations.

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I was referring to the husband and wife in this case.

No financial gain for a lawyer if the client cannot afford the lawyers fee of $400 to $500/hour to litigate a case that is very unlikely to win. Plus she will need to come up with a retainers fee that may cost her $5,000-$10,000 upfront depending on how far she wants to take the case.

At the end, it may not be worth the expense.

That's all I'm tiring to say here.

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No financial gain for a lawyer if the client cannot afford the lawyers fee of $400 to $500/hour to litigate a case that is very unlikely to win. Plus she will need to come up with a retainers fee that may cost her $5,000-$10,000 upfront depending on how far she wants to take the case.

At the end, it may not be worth the expense.

That's all I'm tiring to say here.

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Thanks for clarifying and now that we know that Op lives in MI where there is no loco parentis doctrine ~ it's all good.

... and yes, your patience is applaud worthy, Op.

First thing to do is have regular sex with your wife. The brain is easy to trick into thinking you love that person. Have sex with her and then have a chat to resolve your issues.

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Originally Posted by alp82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I got a good job the one I have now and am making good money now she says I'm always tired and should find a job that wont wear me out. Does that make any sense?

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This happened to a friend of mine. He thought by working 2 jobs, bringing home great money to cover the mortgage for the new house, etc he was doing a great thing....the thing he was doing was neglecting her, she hardly saw him, she got lonely....she cheated on him, and ran off with a tow truck driver.

Yes she's willing too see a counselor with me. We had our date yesterday and it went really good. But it left me more confused :( she told me she love's me very much and misses me like crazy. She also said I'm the only one she could want, but yet doesn't want me to come home yet she even looked like she wanted me to stay. I don't understand any of this its confusing and frustrating. I almost think I might have to tell her I'm either coming home or getting my own place. I don't wanna live where I've been staying anymore

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I'm far from neglecting her. If anything i give her to much attention

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I'm far from neglecting her. If anything i give her to much attention

How can you give her attention when you are working 60 hours a week, cooking the meals, etc. She wants to be a couple again, to go out on dates, do things outside your comfort zone, try new things, share a passion.

You both just got too caught up in your lives with responsibilities, that you stopped being a romantic couple.

Now she is finding this space is removing some of the stress of the relationship. She may find it is refreshing things between you. I say don't push, just be patient.

Talked to her today. I'm gonna go back home tuesday

great. keep us updated on your progress......

Good for you. I hope things will turn around for the better. Keep us posted.