Only gotten past a second date, what am I doing wrong? (Prep for my next date?)

I've been on a ton of dates. Most of them were met through online dating websites because most girls "in person" are taken. I live in a small town and the nearest club is north of the boarder in Montreal, Canada. I've been told all my life that I am a wonderful person (by both guys and girls). They continue to say that I'm loyal and I'd make a great boyfriend and any girl would be lucky to have me. I know how to treat a girl, I hardly swear and I am pretty fun to be around.

I remember I use to go on dates and after the date either it was known by both of us that it was a one time deal, it went well but once we met online the next time it was weird and we ran out of things to talk a week or two later and then it fizzles out to nothing or I thought it went well and that person blocks me never to be heard from again.

There has been two out of maybe ten where things have been fine and she wanted to purse more. The first one, well she was just really crazy and called me every 5, 10 minutes and the second was just plain mean. I have always been myself and now I have gone into every date with the assumption it will be the one and only time I'll see her.

The second to last date I went on was back in August went great. We met through my aunt's friend (her aunt and my aunt are co-workers and best friends). I gave my aunt my email and she gave her aunt her email. We went on a date and it went great, chatted, laughed and everything. After the date a week went by and I never heard from her. I told my aunt about my bad track record and my aunt said that she must just be busy. Well, my aunt was right, it took her a week (vs a few days) to respond to an email. A little over a month later we set another date well that one didn't go so well. I was pretty tired from work and we were struggling to come up with things to talk about and even repeated stuff from the first date, it was just odd and that was that. We met in Oct and again much like the others never heard back from her. I felt pretty uncomfortable around her and I couldn't be myself.

This Saturday I have a date with a girl. She is a very nice girl and is friendly and cute. I have high hopes for it but in the back of my mind I am thinking it will be the last time. Do you have any tips to make things go smooth? I honestly, don't know what i am doing wrong.

Take her for a walk around old montreal.

And there are tons of girls at McGill. Figure out how to socialize on campus more.

Hi. Sorry for the confusion, I am not from Montreal. I am about an hour and a half south in america. I was simply saying that for reference.

Just try to plan in advance so you can relax on the day. Here's a recent thread that had tons of date ideas. Try to pick one suitable for your area. And take her for a warm coffee or chocolate after, given your in the N.East.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/off-topic-discussion/26544-suggestions.html[/url]

Hi I am sorry that my post isn't very clear I guess. I don't need advice on what to do on the date. We have it planned out (time, place, what we are going to do etc). I just want advice to prevent "the one date and I'll never see her again trend."

leadingedge04, stop meeting girls online. People who resort to dating websites usually have social issues, which carry over into relationships. It's like meeting girls or guys at a therapy group and wondering how come it never works out.

if you insist on dating girls you meet online, then treat them no different than you would a girl you met in person. I think you try too hard and come off as desperate. The whole "you'd make a great boyfriend and any girl would be lucky to have you" is a nice way of saying "you're boring." Girls lose interest quick if there's no chemistry.

in order to become more successful with girls, you need to learn how to generate chemistry. Keep your conversations short (3-5 min) and don't go on lengthy dates (1 hr max for the first couple). Make up an excuse that you need to be somewhere. This will give you more to talk about on future dates and she won't get the impression that she's your #1 priority. You don't want her to think you are desperate for female attention.

I could give you more advice but it wouldn't be anything I haven't already covered before. I suggest you read this thread (only takes about 5 min) if you want to learn more about generating chemistry. Look for my posts. It's worth the read if you are serious about increasing your chances of success with girls.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/24916-1averagejoe-im-calling-you-out.html[/url]

Hello. Thanks for the good reading. Like I said in the original posting, I live in a very small town so there is no way to "get out and meet girls". No clubs, hang outs, librarys or those usual spots. All the girls here are taken. I'll meet a few girls in my college class each semester and within a few weeks a conversation will start and it will be great until its "my boyfriend this and my boyfriend that." I've been pretty good friends with these girls although its a let down when they talk about the wonderful bf (and yes they do really have a bf, its not something they are saying to get me off their back or whatever). I think I am always seen as the "good friend" and nothing more to a few of the single girls. I have one female friend and we both get along great and I think we'd make a great couple but she won't ever see me in "that way".

In regards to the online dating, its 2009 and the whole internet dating thing has become perfectly acceptable. I've met some wonderful people online and feel its a normal thing in today's society. What do you mean treat them the same as I would in the real-world? I mean how would I treat them any different? They are people and it shouldn't matter how we meet. Yes, I think I do try too hard. Its kinda frustrating when everyone around me he getting bfs and bfs and it seems to just "happen". And for me its always a struggle, things don't work out, distance, "I'm not ready" line you name it. I think I am a little forceful in the text and contact. I need to learn to "calm down" and let things roll. My fear is, if I don't act and keep in constant communication she might think that I am no longer interested in her and move on. "I never heard from you so I figured you didn't like me!".

With the girl on Saturday I figure I wont contact her until Thursday (or let her contact me) me first. I texted her Friday afternoon and we swapted a few text. I told her I was with a friend and I'd contact her later (I texted her in the morning and she was able to text me back on a work break a few hours after). I texted her when I was finished with my friend although I didn't hear from her that night. I was pretty surprised that she remembers alot about me. From my pets, to my hobbies to where I work. I asked if she has a good memory or if I left that good of an impression on her, she responded "a little of both." This weekend she was visiting friends but we'll see what Monday brings. If not a few more weeks until the semester begins.

Also, should I mix it up a littlle?. Is dinner too boring? I've always met at a resturant and had dinner and that was it. Maybe a movie. The theory that silence is bad and we have to talk every minute or things feel weird and get bad. Maybe I should try and figure something else to do instead of dinner.

leadingedge04, why can't you meet girls at a gym, a park, or through friends? Talk to more girls in college. Don't limit yourself to only those in your classes. Join a co-rec sports team in your area. Start venturing outside of town if you have to. I find it incredibly hard to believe there are no single girls where you live.

online dating may seem more acceptable nowadays, but that doesn't make it okay. Ask 10 girls who are taken how they met their boyfriend. I guarantee you that none of them will answer "online." It takes balls and effort to approach a girl in person. Dating websites only require a click of the button. You don't need any social skills, and reliance on a matchmaking service further reduces your social skills. Those who resort to online dating are typically less desirable than people who are able to meet the opposite sex in person.

when I said to treat girls you meet online the same as you would a girl you met in person, I meant don't jump in with any expectations. If you find someone online, then chances are you read their profile and know a bit about them. Oftentimes, people will build the person up to be someone he or she is not only to wonder what went wrong after they never hear back. Avoid this trap by acting like you don't know anything about her.

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Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

leadingedge04, stop meeting girls online. People who resort to dating websites usually have social issues, which carry over into relationships. It's like meeting girls or guys at a therapy group and wondering how come it never works out.

if you insist on dating girls you meet online, then treat them no different than you would a girl you met in person. I think you try too hard and come off as desperate. The whole "you'd make a great boyfriend and any girl would be lucky to have you" is a nice way of saying "you're boring." Girls lose interest quick if there's no chemistry.

in order to become more successful with girls, you need to learn how to generate chemistry. Keep your conversations short (3-5 min) and don't go on lengthy dates (1 hr max for the first couple). Make up an excuse that you need to be somewhere. This will give you more to talk about on future dates and she won't get the impression that she's your #1 priority. You don't want her to think you are desperate for female attention.

I could give you more advice but it wouldn't be anything I haven't already covered before. I suggest you read this thread (only takes about 5 min) if you want to learn more about generating chemistry. Look for my posts. It's worth the read if you are serious about increasing your chances of success with girls.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/24916-1averagejoe-im-calling-you-out.html[/url]

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I agree with everything except for the 1 hour date for new dates. Yes, for the first date I would give 1 hour or less (lol) and keep it very simple. However, for the second date I would give more than 1 hour. If the date doesn't last longer than 1 hour it's probably because they are not interested or did not develop that chemistry.

OP, I only read the title and I apologize (I'll check it out later ;))

Usually I do not consider the first date to be the real date and don't really expect it to be too long. It's like a quick "glance over" "or quick interview" to see if there's potential.

The second date is were the chemistry builds up and the fun starts and the interview turns into building intimacy.

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Originally Posted by leadingedge04 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I remember I use to go on dates and after the date either it was known by both of us that it was a one time deal, it went well but once we met online the next time it was weird and we ran out of things to talk a week or two later and then it fizzles out to nothing or I thought it went well and that person blocks me never to be heard from again.

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There is no reason to chat online unless that is your only way of communicating.

After the first meeting avoid chatting online.

Do you actually ask these girls for subsequent dates and they reject you, or do you just build it up in your mind that they don't want to date you anymore?

If the former, and you really have no clue, you have nothing (well not much) to lose by straight-out asking them what it is about you that they don't like.

I want to address these 2 issues specifically.

leadingedge04 says:

"I think I am a little forceful in the text and contact. I need to learn to "calm down" and let things roll. My fear is, if I don't act and keep in constant communication she might think that I am no longer interested in her and move on. "I never heard from you so I figured you didn't like me!"."

the problem is you're trying to understand how girls think by thinking like a guy. Girls are more driven by emotions. Guys are more driven by logic. Whereas a guy might interpret a few days without hearing from a new flame as a sign that she's not interested, a girl will interpret it as a display of greater value and will become more drawn to you.

"Also, should I mix it up a littlle?. Is dinner too boring? I've always met at a resturant and had dinner and that was it. Maybe a movie. The theory that silence is bad and we have to talk every minute or things feel weird and get bad. Maybe I should try and figure something else to do instead of dinner."

avoid dinner for a first date if you can b/c many girls will use you for a free meal. I think it's happened to every guy. Try to pick a relatively quiet spot where there are people around. For example, invite her to join you at a coffee shop or play mini golf. You can even take her to a park if you don't feel like spending any money. I've taken several girls to a park on a first date. It didn't cost me anything and I slept with them later that night, which is a hell of a lot better than spending $20 and ending up with your dick in your hand.

Edge, I think you are fine with the online thing provided its not your only source of ideas for meeting women. I understand it can be difficult to meet a lot of single ppl where you live (I'm guessing rural Vermont or Maine, or something). I know this area where you are, its not like being in a city or even a college town.

That said, Neo has lots of good advice for dating girls so I would ADD what he says to your repertoire. So long as you aren't 'hiding' behind your computer, which is all I think we are concerned about. Eventually, you will still have to face girls face to face, so the more practice, the better.

Thanks for all the replies. By all means I am not hiding behind my computer. That is just plain silly. I've found in all my college classes that the girls are taken so that of course limits it. I'll usually try and start a conversation with cute girls in class and get to know them. Eventually, it will come out "my bf (or even Finance) this or that" in a casual way. I'll act casual as all is well while I feel pretty sad in the inside. Last semester I went weeks maybe months chatting with this girl (who decided to sit by me and start a conversation first) and we'd usually comment on the topic that was being explained and so fourth. We'd usually walk out of class together. One day we were talking about what we had planned for the weekend where she mentions a trip with her bf. "Thats great!" i said and continued the conversation as normal. Too bad, I was planning on inviting her for lunch after class, good thing she brought him up in time. It saved a little embarassment.

Yes, I live in rural Vermont where the nearest "meeting place" (Gym etc) is about an hour to hour half away. I've tried to make the best of it by checking out the cute check-out girls at local shops but I don't want to be creepy or anything. I am starting up next semester pretty soon so we'll see how it goes..

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Originally Posted by Rob26 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you actually ask these girls for subsequent dates and they reject you, or do you just build it up in your mind that they don't want to date you anymore?

If the former, and you really have no clue, you have nothing (well not much) to lose by straight-out asking them what it is about you that they don't like.

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True, I never thought about just asking them. Bascally what happens is we talk online. We'll meet and then the next time we meet online it'll be "it was fun but now what.." and have nothing to really talk about or I won't see her online for a while, which is a little unusal, I'll log onto my other SN and oh look, there she is online. Obviously I got blocked. A lot of the girls are very very excited to meet me. I don't swear, I am NICE (which when I was younger was hard to find) so I think they might make me out to be this perfect guy. I appear different in person (I am a little shy) so I shatter their expectations. I haven't been on a date in a few months and the last date, well we just didn't click and I couldn't be myself around her.


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Originally Posted by leadingedge04
I remember I use to go on dates and after the date either it was known by both of us that it was a one time deal, it went well but once we met online the next time it was weird and we ran out of things to talk a week or two later and then it fizzles out to nothing or I thought it went well and that person blocks me never to be heard from again.
There is no reason to chat online unless that is your only way of communicating.

After the first meeting avoid chatting online.

Yes, this seems to be the most convinent because I do not have great cell service here at home. I'd prefer not to give her my home phone number that soon either.

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Originally Posted by leadingedge04 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been on a ton of dates. Most of them were met through online dating websites because most girls "in person" are taken. I live in a small town and the nearest club is north of the boarder in Montreal, Canada. I've been told all my life that I am a wonderful person (by both guys and girls). They continue to say that I'm loyal and I'd make a great boyfriend and any girl would be lucky to have me. I know how to treat a girl, I hardly swear and I am pretty fun to be around.

I remember I use to go on dates and after the date either it was known by both of us that it was a one time deal, it went well but once we met online the next time it was weird and we ran out of things to talk a week or two later and then it fizzles out to nothing or I thought it went well and that person blocks me never to be heard from again.

There has been two out of maybe ten where things have been fine and she wanted to purse more. The first one, well she was just really crazy and called me every 5, 10 minutes and the second was just plain mean. I have always been myself and now I have gone into every date with the assumption it will be the one and only time I'll see her.

The second to last date I went on was back in August went great. We met through my aunt's friend (her aunt and my aunt are co-workers and best friends). I gave my aunt my email and she gave her aunt her email. We went on a date and it went great, chatted, laughed and everything. After the date a week went by and I never heard from her. I told my aunt about my bad track record and my aunt said that she must just be busy. Well, my aunt was right, it took her a week (vs a few days) to respond to an email. A little over a month later we set another date well that one didn't go so well. I was pretty tired from work and we were struggling to come up with things to talk about and even repeated stuff from the first date, it was just odd and that was that. We met in Oct and again much like the others never heard back from her. I felt pretty uncomfortable around her and I couldn't be myself.

This Saturday I have a date with a girl. She is a very nice girl and is friendly and cute. I have high hopes for it but in the back of my mind I am thinking it will be the last time. Do you have any tips to make things go smooth? I honestly, don't know what i am doing wrong.

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Hey leadingedge04, I have been on a few dates with girls I met online and girls I met in real life, 44 dates to be exact (at least all the ones I have set up in the last 3 months). Many times, I found myself not going on second dates because I didn't connect with the girl.

It's easy for a date to fall into the boring "fact finding" type of conversation. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "What do you do?" "I am a real estate broker" "oh Cool. how is that?"

To break that mode of conversation and develop connection with the girl is a skill. I find that if I am in a relaxed, goofy, playful mood; I can break down the walls faster and have her get to know the real me, rather than just facts about me. People don't connect with each other by knowing about facts of the other person.

Now that I think about it; this is a long topic. Once I have a better understanding of how to go about developing the connection, maybe I will write up an article.

But in the mean time, I would focus on recognizing when the date has gone flat, and change your approaches to the conversation, not necessarily the topic but how you ask and answer questions from her or the details you choose to put into stories that you tell.

Jack

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Originally Posted by fabioblog [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's easy for a date to fall into the boring "fact finding" type of conversation. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "What do you do?" "I am a real estate broker" "oh Cool. how is that?"

People don't connect with each other by knowing about facts of the other person.

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I disagree. I mean, yes, you're absolutely right that that can't be ALL there is. Chemistry is obviously very important. But asking the "mundane little facts" about the other person can make you feel more comfortable around them, and get you to the point of being relaxed and goofy so you can open up.

I'm just saying, don't discard an encounter just because you talked too much "fact" and not enough "real stuff". It could just be a slow start, give it a chance.

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To break that mode of conversation and develop connection with the girl is a skill. I find that if I am in a relaxed, goofy, playful mood; I can break down the walls faster and have her get to know the real me.

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+1
Goofy is good.

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Originally Posted by leadingedge04 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This Saturday I have a date with a girl. She is a very nice girl and is friendly and cute. I have high hopes for it but in the back of my mind I am thinking it will be the last time. Do you have any tips to make things go smooth? I honestly, don't know what i am doing wrong.

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This right here is your problem. You're psyching yourself out. Stop that.

I think you're overly worried about whether or not the woman is going to like you. You absolutely cannot do that on first and second dates. They are more like the "weeding" out dates. Does that make sense? Open yourself up to the possibility that she won't. But guess what? there are plenty of girls out there, so it doesn't matter. Freeing yourself from the fear of rejection is a wonderful thing.

Don't listen to the people who tell you not to meet women online. Online dating is just another way to put yourself out there and meet people. Just temper your expectations as well as trying to mix in real world methods of finding people and you'll be fine.

I also agree with whoever it was in this thread (sorry, I forget) who said don't chat online after you hook up a first date. Bring it offline asap.

leadingedge04 says:

"I'll usually try and start a conversation with cute girls in class and get to know them. Eventually, it will come out "my bf (or even Finance) this or that" in a casual way. I'll act casual as all is well while I feel pretty sad in the inside. Last semester I went weeks maybe months chatting with this girl (who decided to sit by me and start a conversation first) and we'd usually comment on the topic that was being explained and so fourth."

that's part of your problem: you take too long to make a move. Of course girls are not going to wait around for you. How do you think each of them got a boyfriend? B/c a guy saw an opportunity and asked them out. Why are you waiting weeks or months to find out if a girl is interested? It's okay to get to know someone first before asking them out but save dating for you two to learn more about each other. You are not in middle school anymore. It's not like you are expected to ask her to be your girlfriend on the first date.

"Yes, I live in rural Vermont where the nearest "meeting place" (Gym etc) is about an hour to hour half away. I've tried to make the best of it by checking out the cute check-out girls at local shops but I don't want to be creepy or anything. I am starting up next semester pretty soon so we'll see how it goes.."

I don't believe you. There has to be places to meet girls where you live. How is it that everyone else is able to find someone but you? Maybe girls lie to you about being taken?

"True, I never thought about just asking them. Bascally what happens is we talk online. We'll meet and then the next time we meet online it'll be "it was fun but now what.." and have nothing to really talk about or I won't see her online for a while, which is a little unusal, I'll log onto my other SN and oh look, there she is online. Obviously I got blocked. A lot of the girls are very very excited to meet me."

stop talking to them so damn much. You probably run out of things to talk about b/c you reveal too much about yourself. There's nothing left to figure out and so she loses interests.

"I don't swear, I am NICE (which when I was younger was hard to find)"

boring. Good luck with girls. The only females you are going to attract are 40 yr old women.

"so I think they might make me out to be this perfect guy."

ha ha ha, riiiiiight.

another thing, don't listen to starbuck's advice about meeting girls online unless you want to still be single at 40 and wonder why. You are 22 yrs old and surrounded by girls at college. This is the best time to work on your 'game.' If you already have to resort to matchmaking services to meet girls, then you are dooming yourself for when you get older.

update? You never told us how your date went.

here is my advice: start lifting mad weights, eat right, run, get ripped. and then all you have to do, is were a tight fitted shirt, and show up! lol... right neo??

btw, i'm not trying to take this offtopic, but neo..i've been focused on my weight training, and it is going very well, i'm a pretty big guy as it is, but i'm getting bigger, and my body is getting into shape.

one thing that is not stressed as much in body building, is the mental alertness and awareness i feel. its a mental as well as physical transformation!

anyways, back on topic...i just read what neo wrote: i can't agree more! wish i followed that way of life when i was 22. you are young, remember that. you won't be 22 forever!

RSK says:

"here is my advice: start lifting mad weights, eat right, run, get ripped. and then all you have to do, is were a tight fitted shirt, and show up! lol... right neo??"

ha ha, nothing wrong with improving your health and appearance.

"btw, i'm not trying to take this offtopic, but neo..i've been focused on my weight training, and it is going very well, i'm a pretty big guy as it is, but i'm getting bigger, and my body is getting into shape."

congrats! Just remember: the key is consistency. Nobody ever ran a mile in 1 step. You'll eventually get to where you want to be.

"one thing that is not stressed as much in body building, is the mental alertness and awareness i feel. its a mental as well as physical transformation!"

it depends on who you ask. Most intelligent bodybuilders will tell you that your state of mind has a lot to do with what goes on inside as well as outside the gym.

"anyways, back on topic...i just read what neo wrote: i can't agree more! wish i followed that way of life when i was 22. you are young, remember that. you won't be 22 forever!"

thank you. I'm honestly trying to help these young guys who are too scared to approach girls and make a move. I used to be like them. So I know where they are coming from.