Age gap relationship anxiety

I'll try my best to keep this brief!

A few months ago I was approached in a bar by a woman and we hit it off, I'm 40 with a teenage son who I see every other weekend and she's 24 with no children. I was upfront with her straight off the bat about my age, she couldn't believe I was 40, which to be fair nobody does, but I don't really want to go too deep into our appearance as I don't think it's really important. The evening at the bar was light hearted and I didn't think too much into it because of the age gap, even though I thought she was great. We swapped numbers at the end of the night and I left it there.

Long story short, what I thought was a short term bit of fun is now in a place where there are real feelings involved, for both of us. We've both tried to keep it very relaxed and to be fair we have, but we both know that it's getting more serious as you'd expect from spending time with someone that you have such a good connection with. Although I have a good job, I'm definitely not sugar Daddy material, plus she's extremely independent, has a good job and her own place so doesn't need one. I definitely wasn't looking to be with a much younger woman, it just happened, I don't see it as an ego boost thing either.

I'm at the stage now where I'm torn between living in the now, enjoying this wonderful woman and try not to worry that she's 16 years younger, the probability that she's yet to really find herself and experience things that come with being in your 20's can offer or give in to my anxiety which is telling me there are too many pit falls in this kind of age gap relationship, that I don't want to be left on the shelf, heart broken in my early to mid 40's when this younger woman suddenly decides she wants to do the travelling thing or isn't ready to settle down!

Obviously there are no guarantees with any relationship, regardless of age gap, but when it's an age gap like this I find it hard to ignore it!

Thanks for listening

Hello,
You can make it work if you are realistic and communicate to her your needs.
My fathers second marriage was to a woman 15 years younger. They have been together for almost 20 years and still going strong. There is no noticeable difference in their ages now that they are both mature. They both love and respect each other.

I am also in a age gap relationship but its not so big difference, im 35 and he is 27. We treat each other with so much care and respect that we don't even mention the age gap. He is still able to be a strong man in the relationship and I don't know try to tell him what to do with his life. I respect him so much as the wise, mature man he is and he appreciates me too.

Age gaps can be dealt with if theres real love, respect and communication in the relationship. Be happy you found someone you love and ignore the judgements of others.

Aisha

I disagree with the previous poster. I do not think you should be pursuing a girl in her 20s. the age gap matters less NOW than in will in 10-15 years, when you start to fall apart and start having health issues (which is what happens to EVERYONE as they age) . Trust me on this: I've been there.

Thank you for your comment, however, firstly let me point out I'm not "pursuing" her, she approached me initially, but it's been a mutual thing ever since. I did not actively seek out a women in their 20's, it just happened.

Secondly, I'm sorry but you must have shockingly poor genetics, I don't expect to be "falling apart" in the next 10-15 years. My Father is 70 and has just completed his 15th marathon, he's fit as a fiddle and life is way too short to be worrying about what could happen in 15 years time!

I kind of agree with you both on this one, as a matter of fact. That big of an age difference is a reason for concern, but it's also not such a radical age difference that it should be an instant no-go. I mean, it is all fine and dandy to say that life is too short to worry about things like that, but the fact of the matter is that is no excuse for doing things you know you shouldn't and just figuring "Eh, what the Hell? Let future me worry about it." The problem with that is eventually you will become "future you" and then you'll be facing the consequences that perhaps you ignored.

So, in saying all that, do I mean you shouldn't date this girl? No. Does it mean I am saying you definitely should? No. What it means is I definitely do not think it is enough of an age gap to say you absolutely should not, but I do think it is enough of an age gap where you at least need to think about it in depth. There can be many issues that might not seem such a big deal now, but could be down the road. If you and her both feel like you can live with that, then definitely go for it. If you think they will be too big of a problem down the road even if they aren't now, then that is a good reason not to start anything now.

Just as one quick example, say you want more children but don't want to wait until too late in life. Then, say she feels she is still too young and wants to experience all life has to offer for a while before having kids. Maybe the timing of your desires do not match, and that would be a good reason why you two may not work out as result, in part, of the age difference. I don't know if that is the case, I'm just picking one example out of thin air to illustrate my point.

Age is just a number, so it certainly shouldn't be the only deciding factor. Still, with an age difference of that much you should at least give it some thought.

Good luck to you either way.

Like you said, there is never any guarantees with love. She may be 16 years younger, but she's still an adult. If you're a young 40 and she's an old 24....who's to say what will happen? I say that as long as you are enjoying each other's company and the experience together, why not let it happen? Every relationship shouldn't (and wouldn't) last forever, so even if you guys get a year or two or five of bliss, wouldn't that be worth it? Life's too short to overthink things. If the chemistry's there, enjoy yourself

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Originally Posted by happyismoho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for your comment, however, firstly let me point out I'm not "pursuing" her, she approached me initially, but it's been a mutual thing ever since. I did not actively seek out a women in their 20's, it just happened.

Secondly, I'm sorry but you must have shockingly poor genetics, I don't expect to be "falling apart" in the next 10-15 years. My Father is 70 and has just completed his 15th marathon, he's fit as a fiddle and life is way too short to be worrying about what could happen in 15 years time!

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You are a little old to be playing this game.

Your father is atypical; pretty sure you know that, and in any case, he is not YOU. Also, it is pretty ridiculous to act as though this young woman should hold the same level of responsibility for anticipating the future that YOU do. You are SUPPOSED to be wiser.

But really, you didn't want honest opinions. You only wanted to hear platitudes like "age is just a number". I'm sure you will get plenty of that, too. I'm only telling you what I think, which is based on actual experience.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are a little old to be playing this game.

Your father is atypical; pretty sure you know that, and in any case, he is not YOU. Also, it is pretty ridiculous to act as though this young woman should hold the same level of responsibility for anticipating the future that YOU do. You are SUPPOSED to be wiser.

But really, you didn't want honest opinions. You only wanted to hear platitudes like "age is just a number". I'm sure you will get plenty of that, too. I'm only telling you what I think, which is based on actual experience.

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Playing a game? my God you're condescending! forcing your opinion with overuse of capitalization doesn't add weight to an opinion and you sound very bitter! I'm not looking for platitudes at all, if I really thought age was just a number and didn't consider other possibilities I wouldn't have posed the question in the first place. That being said, what I don't agree with is your insistence that EVERYONE's body will fall to bits at 50-55 just because yours did! that is simply nonsense...

Genetics play a very important and significant role in how we age, so yes my Father (and Mother for that matter) being extremely fit at 70 and 65 respectively, his Father before him was the same, my Mother's side all very fit and healthy and the fact I'm also very fit and healthy for 40 means it's highly unlikely I'm going to be "falling apart" as you so eloquently put it in 10-15 years!!

However, I can see your point, regardless of how poorly I think you put it across. I have had my fair share of relationships and people you truly click with don't come along very often, I've had this once in my life time prior to meeting this girl, if I didn't have this connection with her I would not be considering a future at all, however, because I do it makes my decision that much harder. Do I end it now and then look back in 20 years and think "what if? What could have been? Why didn't I have the courage to follow my heart?"? or stop over thinking things and enjoy life with this wonderful woman who makes me happy?

Are you happy to start having babies again when she's 30 and her body clock gets into gear?

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Also, are she mature for her age or are you youthful for your age?

If it's the former, then it could well work. If it's the latter, then she may well outgrow you - I've seen it happen more than once. Direct quote from one woman I knew: "his youthful attitude was what attracted me in the first place and now it's what drives me crazy". In short, she grew up but he didn't and they headed for divorce.

Well I can't say what my state of mind will be in 5-6 years time, no one can, but as of right now I am happy and open to starting a family if I was in the right relationship. Plus in your scenario I'd be 45-46, it's not uncommon for guys to have children at this age, in fact one of my colleagues has just had his 3rd child this year and he is 45.

Yes she is mature for her age with regard to her personality and outlook. I am a fairly youthful 40 in personality and appearance but not overly so.

I do think the fact that you are coming here to ask about this shows that you are putting some thought to it. As you said, otherwise you'd have just gone for it without a second thought. I think all any of us are trying to say is just that... that you need to be sensible about it. IF you have any intention of this possibly being a serious relationship, then you should not proceed without giving it some serious thought.

I do agree in large part with those who say life is too short to worry about the little things. All the same, though, there is a level of what is reasonable when it comes to not worrying about the little things. I think too many people abuse this philosophy in life and mistake big things for little things. I don't know the specifics of your situation beyond what you have shared, so I can't necessarily comment specific to whether you would be wise to proceed with this woman, or wise to chose not to proceed.

However, all I am saying is that it is all well and good to say that life is too short to worry about little things, but that doesn't mean that you don't have some common sense about it. For example, you don't buy a super expensive house you can't afford because "life is too short to worry about the little things." So, if a relationship is unlikely to succeed, why waste your time pursuing it in the first place?

Now.... don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying this relationship is destined to fail. I don't know you, and I don't know her, so how could I say that. If she is mature for her age, and you are youthful yet still mature yourself, you two could be a match made in Heaven. I'm just saying it IS possible, figuratively speaking, to live with your head in the clouds, but still also have your feet firmly planted on the ground. Does that make sense, or am I just talking gibberish? I can't tell sometimes. LOL!

So, bottom line, only you and this gal can really decide if the relationship has potential. If it isn't likely to last then probably better not to go for it in the first place. If it does have serious potential, why not go for it?

Thanks for the message and yes it makes sense to me and when all said and done you can never really tell how a relationship will turn out. This doesn't mean you have to enter it blind and I do have my eyes open with this one.

I think any age gap relationship carries with it certain problems, problems that you have to face together if it's going to work. I'm certainly not burying my head in the sand about those problems but it's still very early days for us, we're still just enjoying the time we spend together and neither of us are getting carried away.

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Originally Posted by happyismoho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Playing a game? my God you're condescending! forcing your opinion with overuse of capitalization doesn't add weight to an opinion and you sound very bitter! I'm not looking for platitudes at all, if I really thought age was just a number and didn't consider other possibilities I wouldn't have posed the question in the first place. That being said, what I don't agree with is your insistence that EVERYONE's body will fall to bits at 50-55 just because yours did! that is simply nonsense...

Genetics play a very important and significant role in how we age, so yes my Father (and Mother for that matter) being extremely fit at 70 and 65 respectively, his Father before him was the same, my Mother's side all very fit and healthy and the fact I'm also very fit and healthy for 40 means it's highly unlikely I'm going to be "falling apart" as you so eloquently put it in 10-15 years!!

However, I can see your point, regardless of how poorly I think you put it across. I have had my fair share of relationships and people you truly click with don't come along very often, I've had this once in my life time prior to meeting this girl, if I didn't have this connection with her I would not be considering a future at all, however, because I do it makes my decision that much harder. Do I end it now and then look back in 20 years and think "what if? What could have been? Why didn't I have the courage to follow my heart?"? or stop over thinking things and enjoy life with this wonderful woman who makes me happy?

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Whatever, buddy. The truth is, I deal with sick, old people every day, so I see what happens to aging bodies. Genetics seem to play a smaller role than you think: [url=http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/31/health/31age.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&ref=science&]Live Long? Die Young? Answer Isn’t Just in Genes - New York Times[/url]

I do not question that she looks like a good deal for you. I question if you are a good deal for HER. Maybe you are..... do you at least have money? lol

Okay look, I'm no expert on how our bodies age or our genetic potential, I could link dozens of articles to disprove that NYT article but it would be pointless. Suffice to say, yes, our bodies degrade as we age, that is in no doubt, it's a fact I think we all accept and I think I'll just leave it there. Like I've said before, I'm pretty confident that I won't be at a point in 10-15 years time where my body will be sufficiently screwed that I won't be able to function in a normal capacity, so with this mind set I can honestly say it's not a factor in my decision making at this time! matter closed.

Well I'm glad you find yourself amusing at least! I take it you mean am I rich?! then the answer is no I am not, but I do okay. Am I a good deal for her?! you bet your ass I am :)

Have a nice day...buddy!

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Originally Posted by happyismoho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Am I a good deal for her?! you bet your ass I am :)

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And she is young enough that she might agree. :D

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And she is young enough that she might agree. :D

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There is no might about it and it has nothing to do with her age!

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Originally Posted by happyismoho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There is no might about it and it has nothing to do with her age!

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Suuuure it doesn't! :D

How do her parents feel about it? Is it enough for them that you merely offer the possibility of some modicum of financial security in exchange for her youth? I don't think most parents would be okay with it. Sure, it's all fun and games for now, but her middle-aged years would be spent being your caretaker, and your eventual death would very possibly render her a widow long before she should be, and she would be kind of old to be looking for a replacement....

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Suuuure it doesn't! :D

How do her parents feel about it? Is it enough for them that you merely offer the possibility of some modicum of financial security in exchange for her youth? I don't think most parents would be okay with it. Sure, it's all fun and games for now, but her middle-aged years would be spent being your caretaker, and your eventual death would very possibly render her a widow long before she should be, and she would be kind of old to be looking for a replacement....

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Ha ha I think someone needs a hug!

I could continue this little tit for tat conversation with you but I just don't want to, I'll leave it there, all the best.

To everyone else that took time to comment, thank you.

Haha!

I see what you did there... got you thinking. Sucks to be the grown-up, doesn't it? :D

happyismoho,

since I am a girl of 25 (and was 24 when we met) in a relationship with a 38-year-old guy, I thought you might like to have some insight from the younger side - not that I think your girlfriend is not being honest with you; I just find that I myself have trouble telling all my fears to my man, for one reason or another.

I think there are similarities between us as couples in that I think myself independent and mature, and he is very fit for his age and has a youthful spirit. He has a 9-year-old daughter who he sadly doesn't see often enough - I have met her several times and am glad to say she is absolutely adorable and we have no problem getting on, but I do feel it would be a challenge if she was a teenager in the midst of a storm of hormones and defiance against the whole world. This is one thing I was very apprehensive of - him having a daughter, although she lives with his ex and he never had any demands for me to even meet her. I've known of her since the day we met.

Another thing I was afraid of is what was already mentioned in the thread - that he would grow old sooner than I - the main point was not even that I'd have to care for him like for an old man (I don't think that would happen - as I said, he's very fit and so is his family), but the thought that I might want to travel, see the world, go for nights out, have fun, while he'd be already "over it". I soon realised it was nonsense; and in any case, even if we never got to see the whole wide world, I realised I'm much happier at home by his side than travelling with friends or on my own (I've gone away without him for a few weeks at a time, mainly to visit my family back home - I live in the UK and my boyfriend is English, but I am not). Whether your girlfriend feels, or will ultimately come to feel the same way, largely depends on her personality - I've always considered myself a wild, restless spirit, so when I go away and miss him terribly and find anything upwards of 3 weeks without him unbearable, I see it as a choice rather than my "dependence" on him.

Of the things I fear to tell him, they concern our future together, but my fear does not relate to his age alone; he left everything to his ex when they divorced five years ago and changed careers two years ago - he doesn't make much money now and I mostly fear that we won't have enough to provide for our future kids. I also fear putting having kids off too much - I would love to have kids now, I feel ready as a woman, but I am still studying and only working part-time so it's not the best moment at all. But I would love him to be able to play football with them and not differ too much from other kids' dads, and I fear if we wait too long he'll be grey before they are teens...

I do get what you mean by finding a true soulmate. I am young but it already seems clear that people we get on with immediately and understand without words are not dime a dozen, and I don't think you should deny yourself and your girlfriend a chance to be happy for fear of the great unknown lurking ahead.

(That said, before I met my boyfriend I had a brief friendship with a man 25 years my senior, with whom I felt an unbelievable soul bond, but when I confessed I thought myself in love with him, he gently "spurned" me. I did not take it well, the foolish youngster that I was, and we lost touch, though without resenting each other. I do understand now he wanted to protect me but whether we'll meet again to remain friends is difficult to say. Anyway, the point being, 25 years age difference is too much imo)

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Not sure what happened to my post, so I'll try again and copy+paste:

happyismoho,

since I am a girl of 25 (and was 24 when we met) in a relationship with a 38-year-old guy, I thought you might like to have some insight from the younger side - not that I think your girlfriend is not being honest with you; I just find that I myself have trouble telling all my fears to my man, for one reason or another.

I think there are similarities between us as couples in that I think myself independent and mature, and he is very fit for his age and has a youthful spirit. He has a 9-year-old daughter who he sadly doesn't see often enough - I have met her several times and am glad to say she is absolutely adorable and we have no problem getting on, but I do feel it would be a challenge if she was a teenager in the midst of a storm of hormones and defiance against the whole world. This is one thing I was very apprehensive of - him having a daughter, although she lives with his ex and he never had any demands for me to even meet her. I've known of her since the day we met.

Another thing I was afraid of is what was already mentioned in the thread - that he would grow old sooner than I - the main point was not even that I'd have to care for him like for an old man (I don't think that would happen - as I said, he's very fit and so is his family), but the thought that I might want to travel, see the world, go for nights out, have fun, while he'd be already "over it". I soon realised it was nonsense; and in any case, even if we never got to see the whole wide world, I realised I'm much happier at home by his side than travelling with friends or on my own (I've gone away without him for a few weeks at a time, mainly to visit my family back home - I live in the UK and my boyfriend is English, but I am not). Whether your girlfriend feels, or will ultimately come to feel the same way, largely depends on her personality - I've always considered myself a wild, restless spirit, so when I go away and miss him terribly and find anything upwards of 3 weeks without him unbearable, I see it as a choice rather than my "dependence" on him.

Of the things I fear to tell him, they concern our future together, but my fear does not relate to his age alone; he left everything to his ex when they divorced five years ago and changed careers two years ago - he doesn't make much money now and I mostly fear that we won't have enough to provide for our future kids. I also fear putting having kids off too much - I would love to have kids now, I feel ready as a woman, but I am still studying and only working part-time so it's not the best moment at all. But I would love him to be able to play football with them and not differ too much from other kids' dads, and I fear if we wait too long he'll be grey before they are teens...

I do get what you mean by finding a true soulmate. I am young but it already seems clear that people we get on with immediately and understand without words are not dime a dozen, and I don't think you should deny yourself and your girlfriend a chance to be happy for fear of the great unknown lurking ahead.

(That said, before I met my boyfriend I had a brief friendship with a man 25 years my senior, with whom I felt an unbelievable soul bond, but when I confessed I thought myself in love with him, he gently "spurned" me. I did not take it well, the foolish youngster that I was, and we lost touch, though without resenting each other. I do understand now he wanted to protect me but whether we'll meet again to remain friends is difficult to say. Anyway, the point being, 25 years age difference is too much imo)