We broke up. I should be studying for my test but my brain is kind of mindf*cked atm. :/
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We broke up. I should be studying for my test but my brain is kind of mindf*cked atm. :/
Sorry to hear it, do you want to share what happened?
I know what you mean, I wanted to invest myself with studies, thinking it will make me get over it fast.
At the end of the day since the semester starts I'm mainly doing nothing, and in the way to fail most of my goals..
Try to prevent it from the start.
Make a schedule, what you will do in each moment, and so on.
It might be helpful for you.
Well I've just about had it with his abusive bullshit. It's done i'm never going back. Oh then a couple hours ago I found out he cheated. Yeah. God i f*cking love days like this. I'm relieved to know the truth at least. Now I know I didn't deserve all the shit he did to me. F*CKKKKKKK ITTTTT F*CK the 3 YEARS. F*CK IT.
His shit really F*cked with my head I'm just glad summer is coming in a couple of months and I can get some free time to clear my head.
Well, luckily (I think anyway) I wasn't with someone that cheated on me.
Though, I do think its good you know now.
This way you can move to the "anger phase" faster,
thought the pain is the same pain.
But keep that in mind - no one that treats you like that is worthy for your love.
It will take time but I'm sure you (and all of us) will find someone that does.
Well the next thing is getting my belongings back. But I think I can arrange that without having to see him. It just really took me a lot to see how abusive he was and how he was literally making me feel like I was crazy. I'm gonna go back to working on me and how happy I was before I started dating him. I lost a lot of good friends because of him. There's just a lot of shit to take in.
why do women stay in abusive relationships. SOrry to hear what happened and you are better off. Just kind of curious why you stayed with him for so long
Well, you can look on it from two stand points..
First of all, and this I can say about myself, there is something nice and comporting about being in a relationship
that makes you ignore what can be considered as "abusive" and want to stay there. I though lots of times that
my ex treats me like someone stupid, or that I should be thankful for him to be with me. And yeah, the truth is that
I certainly was. I was glad to be out of the dating scene, to have someone to hang out with, eating dinners together,
and of course, someone to go to bed with every night.
But this to relationships that are abusive in the more self esteem way.
When it comes to more physical and harsh verbal abusive there are women that just can't get out.
Maybe they don't have an alternative, maybe they are scared. Maybe they gotten used to look at themselves
as victims that they don't even believe that they can change their future.
Aww, I'm sorry, Bo. It sucks, doesn't it?
Well for me it was difficult to let go because he is the first guy I've ever introduced my family to and also I had this unrelenting trust deep down that he was a great person and he just had anger issues he needed to work on. Him meeting my family was a really big deal for me at least. And i just loved unconditionally. I don't tell someone i love them and then leave the second something goes wrong, i'm just not that type of person. I stick through the good and the bad. And it's caused me a great deal of pain. And also because he convinced me that i was in fact the crazy one. That i was the one who needed "fixing".Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yes it does, i didn't sleep at all last night. I stayed up talking to the person who told me this information. It just all makes sense now. It's a lot of emotion to feel for one night. I'm gonna knock back a couple drinks with one of my girlfriends and let myself digest all this. You know wasting 3 years of my life an all.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Bo, when you have time to let this digest, you will see it wasn't 3 years wasted. Even though the final lesson was a hard one, you certainly have learned a lot over this time, haven't you?
(hugs)
Hang in there, girly.
The idea behind this is that you face life's challenges as a team. The two of you against the world, so to speak. Being abused by your partner isn't part of this deal. He's supposed to be the one you can stand side-by-side with and face the world. Not the one who throws it in your face.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You have every right to be angry. And you need to be, for your own sake. But don't consider for a moment that you wasted three years of your life. A relationship lost is never a waste. It was just another step in the road. This relationship was merely a stepping stone into a greater understanding of who you are as a person. You're not the same person now that you were three years ago. You've grown as a person. So consider nothing wasted.
Thanks vash I appreciate it. I'm just really having a rough time that relationship was toxic and I needed to get out. My self esteem took a major beating and I need to focus on school and finish getting my degree.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'm sorry to hear that [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
disagree [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
The issues run in the family. A lot of sick delusions. He started to convince me that i was really losing it, that i was insane.Quote:
Originally Posted by SD64 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
me too, i know as time goes by i'll get through it. It's just so hard to grasp right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by dnna1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Sorry to hear that Bo. Hang in there (:
This sounds very regret [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I'm trying. I'm just so shocked still. And he won't leave me alone. And I shouldn't be but I'm so worried about him. I can see now that he needS help, he needs therapy. He fits all the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. He needs serious mental help.Quote:
Originally Posted by asdfg789 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This^. Hugs from me too, Bo. You'll be fine, you sound better already.Quote:
Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
He's a jerk. You are so better off w/o him. The breakups are when they really show their colours.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Thanks Indie, I can definitely use all the hugs I can get right now....and then I gotta deal with all my different emotions. I miss him, I hate him, I love him, I'm horny, I'm beyond pissed, I'm sad and resentful....too much to deal with.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
It's true, one second he tells me i'm bitch and i'm fake for believing what ppl told me. The next second he loves me and he's never gonna give up on me. It's exhausting.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Thanks i've thought about that, I just don't know. I think i'll see things differently down the road but I'm trying to get my head wrapped around all this. I'm definitely not the same person I was before, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.Quote:
Originally Posted by SD64 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I don't know how I will ever trust someone again...EVER.
I feel like someone died. It's been about five days and I'm miserable.
Its an expansion of Vash's point, but I think this captures the problem beautifully. When people say they feel lonely in a relationship, I think this^ is what they refer to. Partners/spouses should "always have your back" so to speak. When that's not there, or they can't for whatever reason (lack of trust, disagreement in values) then its time to consider moving on.Quote:
Originally Posted by SD64 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This I know, I just wish "knowing" this would make it hurt less.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
The hurt isn't from him tho. Its b/c you finally realize he isn't the guy who could be the one who'd "have your back". Its the failed expectation. As soon as you realize that you are now free to go out and find that person who *will* be a real partner to you (and you to him), the hurt will be much less. You'll see that both of you are actually better off. Remember, his behaviour was preventing *you* from being a good partner for him also. Its doubly disappointing when you think of it like that, and therefore doubly good that you two are finally moving on.
Don't most all abusers say such things? Words mean nothing when they are'nt backed up with action. Don't even consider taking him back. He needs therapy before he'll be ready to be anyone's decent partner. If you feel yourself weakening and wanting to believe his words that have no substance then consider getting your own bit of councelling to help you be stronger in your conviction of not ever wanting anything to do with him again.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
This is the perfect opportunity for you to make yourself your number one priority. You now can concentrate on making you the best you that you can be without worrying about all the stuff that made you angst ridden and insecure during your time with him. In time (and what you do with your time) you'll look back and be glad you're free of him.
That's a good point indie, thanks. And yes his behavior was preventing me from being the girlfriend I wanted to be. I was depressed a lot, or in a bad mood. I reacted badly to what he would do and then because I reacted badly the tables were turned on me like it was all my fault in the first place. I always apologized even when it wasn't my fault. I wanted to be the "perfect girlfriend" that he wanted but I couldn't. In order to do that I'd have to shut up and look pretty and not have an educated opinion about anything. He always put me down for my choices in my college courses. And since fall I'll have two quarters left until I'm done at my community college with my women's studies certificate, I have so much to look forward to. He was never proud of me for anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
There's a lot of regret there. I wish I could go back and just continue being friends like we were before we started catching feelings for each other. I had to cut off all my guy friends because he didn't think that I could have guy friends without hooking up with them or having romantic feelings. But he was allowed to do anything if I questioned him I was a jealous bitch and I want to control him. I always told him he could have friends who were female but I want to know who they are. Now I know why he thought I couldn't have guy friends it's because he was incapable of looking at any woman without getting a hard on probably.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I agree w/not taking him back, Bo. But as for the therapy for him.. .meh. Therapy is rarely the magic bullet everyone says it is and is of limited value for most people w/standard-issue life problems. Therapists are like lawyers, they create their own business. I've met several and IMO most of them are as messed up as the people they are trying to help. We could easily stand having at least 1/2 of them dropped into the middle of the Pacific. He can go to the library and read a book on conflict resolution for a fraction of the cost if he really wants to change. There is no lack of 'experts' out there on personal development.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Bottom line is he has to care enough to really want to change, otherwise therapy is just another distraction (or even fuel for) his bad behaviour. Some people are just assholes and they are quite happy to be that way. Some people like assholes, for whatever reasons they have (messed up or not, who knows, who cares if it works for them).
So, I agree with Wakeups final advice, which is to move on and focus on yourself. Its past time and you deserve it. Good luck.
Yeah it's just been really difficult moving on. I keep having irrational thoughts about us and it's rediculous. I need to keep my head focused on school and get myself into right mindset. I agree unless he wants it therapy wont help but I think he's mentally sicker than the average person. Something is really not right in that head of his.
All the more reason you will be glad you didn't end up stuck with him for the long run. Do your grieving, and be done with it all.Quote:
Originally Posted by Bo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]