can my husband have a girl best friend

hi, I'm new to this and would like some advice as to weather I'm over reacting.
long story short,
my husband works with a female around his age. over time he has become more friendly with her to the point now where he talks about her all the time. a number of times he has questioned the appropriateness of the relationship lot me and asked if it is wrong. it bothered me but I never said anything because I just thought they were good friend. the other day he left his Facebook on and I did the unthinkable and opened a message from her, only to reel back through them and find him messaging her on a daily basis, they work together 5 days a week mind you. they have d&m s all the time which he tell me about, and she has a boy friend and is moving to wa. anyway the messages he has been sending say things like I will miss you so much when you leave, I know you like me because I got confirmation from you mum, can't wait to see you at work tomorrow, Thursdays are my favourite day because I work with you, you are such a good friend and we will always stay in touch etc... lots of smiley faces to. I know he's not cheating but I do think he has more Cohan friend feelings for her. I confronted him about the messages straight away so he know I checked them. we had a big fight and he says he has done nothing wrong because there was no bad intentions there. I say it's inappropriate and to just pull back on the relationship, and that there is no need to Facebook her every night after work. on his days off he also drops into work to see her. he says I am in the wrong but he will pull back a little, but won't end the friendship.
then I find out the next day he is messaging her again, and he defends it by saying he was just asking how her weekend was because her bf is home. I checked the message and yes that's what he was doing but he left out the bit where she told him they have broken up.
he is now saying that he feels he has to defend every message to her now and that he has to check with me first before speaking to her, and tells me he hasn't spoken to her today, because I asked him to to speak to her about our relationship. little do I then check the messages again, and sure he has messages her and actually asked her out to coffee, so much for pulling back. gladly she was busy, but he still hasn't said anything to me.
sorry for the lengthy story but this is the whole story, and I would love to know if I'm looking into too much or if the level of the relationship has crossed the line of friends. I fell the way he speaks to her is how he was with me when we first met. I guess lust that turns to love.

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"it bothered me but I never said anything" And why not???? YOU are enabling this situation by holding back from telling your truth! Then, you can blame him! That works!

"he says I am in the wrong but he will pull back a little, but won't end the friendship." I'd say, he is having an emotional affair, which YOU initially didn't comment about, and it progressed. Now, your husband says he won't end the, "friendship," and he has asked her out for coffee? Is this OK with you? What do you think your options are to deal with this situation? Ann

The answer is hell no

I really don't know what to do now. he can't trust m to no look at his messages, I am happy to accept that because I admit that was wrong. but at the end of the day my gut feeling was right. I will never tell him what he can and can't do as he can't help the way he feels, but I believe he can have his cake and eat it to. I think he needs to man up and admit that he has feelings for the woman, but he won't. I don't know if I should give it a week of so and readdress it if nothing has changed just o give him a chance.

to begin with from what he would tell me, they were just friends and I was happy with that, then I just got a gut feeling after he told me she has ouch end his heart. it was then that I decided to take a peak at the messages and realised it is more than friends, although he will never admit that to me or himself.
can those comments really be just best friend comments, or is the an obvious case of him falling for her weather he can admit it to himself or not.

I think WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM! aNN

not really sure what yo mean by this.
he is the most honest person I know and tells me everything. I guess this is why I am finding it hard to work out if he is covering up his feelings or if he actually doesn't realise what those feelings actually mean, because I don't doubt his love for me at all.

The answer to your question is: no, YOU should be his female best friend.

Okay I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes. Your husband needs a big wakeup call here.

When he is at work tomorrow-put some of his clothes in a bag and throw them outside the door, put a note inside the bag saying "you are having an emotional affair, if you want our marriage to work you will stop all contact with her and come for relationship counselling with me-your wife who should be your number one priority-not her. Until you are ready to do that-I do not want to hear from you or see you.

And change the locks.

Im sorry but he is having an emotionally affair and he is going to develop feelings for her (if he hasnt already). He needs to realize what he will lose here if he doesnt stop this silly fantasy. You are dead right to be concerned-he is crossing a line and you have to act now if you dont want him to cheat on you or if you dont want him to leave you for her.

You can either sit and wait and allow him to get closer and closer to her until he starts wondering "is the grass greener" and starts regretting marrying you or you can show him that you are serious and demand respect from him by showing him you will NOT put up with this bullshit.

You have already tried talking to him, he knows your not happy and thinks your being unreasonable. Now it is time to take some action.

Trust me this will work. It will either prove to you that he does love you and doesnt want to lose you by how he reacts or if he runs straight to her you will know your instincts were right all along and you can start getting on with your life without him.

This is a major threat to your relationship-a HUGE red flag. We see it here all the time but it is normally the other woman or other man that we are lecturing. Im telling you girl if you dont want your husband to cheat on you-you have to act NOW! hes already emotionally cheating. Its only a matter of time before that becomes physical and you will not be able to forgive that.

Best of luck

ps: it doesn't matter how honest you think he is. he is lying to himself by pretending in his own head that this is all "innocent" when its not. Men and women do not get that close unless there are hidden agendas whether that is conscious or subconscious.

Look up emotional affairs. Do your research and you will see how dangerous this is. You will lose him or else he will rip your heart to pieces if you do not hurry and kick him out. I know its severe and it may seem irrational but he needs to know you mean business.

You do need marriage counselling to prevent anything like this happening again.

If you do not want to take my advice the only other advice I can give you is to play him at his own game. Go and find your own new best friend-invite him around for coffee everyday, text him, ring him, email him, show him how it feels and make him jealous to prove your point. Talk about him all the time and even bring him round when your husband is there. I dont agree with this tactic but it could also work if you do not want to kick him out

I mean he is NOT the most honest person because he is now carrying on a relationship with another woman and you don't like it but he's continuing it anyway. And YOU are excusing it. Ann

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM - That means that this guy has shown you he wants to continue on in an emotional relationship and that he wants to continue socializing with another woman in spite of the fact that YOU finally spoke up. So, BELIEVE HIM! Ann

OP update us on what your plan is please?

He's cheating on you because he's obviously emotionally involved with her. He may not have physically cheated (yet) but that will be next, particularily since she's now broken up with her boyfriend and will have more time to devote to engaging his vulnerable side.

I think the sooner you tell him how his emotionally engaging with her makes you feel, the better. Use your *I* words to explain the fear and emotions this interaction with her brings out in you. Do not let him turn it around on you so that you become defensive. Keep the convo on topic.

.. and yes, as Michelle says, update us.

i dont think talking will fix this. its gone beyond that. hes delusional and pretending its nothing. and shes already tried that. he knows without a doubt this is upsetting her, making her insecure and paranoid but hewent and invited her for coffee instead of respecting his wifes feelings and wishes.

its too late for talking-she needs to take action. its only a matter of time before he crosses another line and i suspect the reasons she dumped her bf is coz of this affair or else he dumped her because of it

OP is there any way you can get in touch with her ex and see how he feels about all of this?

OP: I'm sure you love your husband and contrary to what anyone says, it's never counter-productive nor has it "gone beyond" talking to your partner about what is causing angst and dissention within the union. If after you talk and he doesn't do anything to distance himself from her and get you and he back on track, then you will know for sure. I don't think he understands how his interaction with her makes you feel. Its important that he knows how much it hurts you and how much you want that emotional connection back between the two of you that he is now showing her.

Talk to him about re-establishing the emotional connection you and he shared enough to deem each other LIFEpartners for. If he doesn't want to hear it well then you'll know for sure at least.

Certainly a sincere communication is worth it before doing anything drastic. *Right now I'm thinking he doesnt understand how severe his actions are affecting you and his relationship with you.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes. Your husband needs a big wakeup call here.

When he is at work tomorrow-put some of his clothes in a bag and throw them outside the door, put a note inside the bag saying "you are having an emotional affair, if you want our marriage to work you will stop all contact with her and come for relationship counselling with me-your wife who should be your number one priority-not her. Until you are ready to do that-I do not want to hear from you or see you.

And change the locks.

Im sorry but he is having an emotionally affair and he is going to develop feelings for her (if he hasnt already). He needs to realize what he will lose here if he doesnt stop this silly fantasy. You are dead right to be concerned-he is crossing a line and you have to act now if you dont want him to cheat on you or if you dont want him to leave you for her.

You can either sit and wait and allow him to get closer and closer to her until he starts wondering "is the grass greener" and starts regretting marrying you or you can show him that you are serious and demand respect from him by showing him you will NOT put up with this bullshit.

You have already tried talking to him, he knows your not happy and thinks your being unreasonable. Now it is time to take some action.

Trust me this will work. It will either prove to you that he does love you and doesnt want to lose you by how he reacts or if he runs straight to her you will know your instincts were right all along and you can start getting on with your life without him.

This is a major threat to your relationship-a HUGE red flag. We see it here all the time but it is normally the other woman or other man that we are lecturing. Im telling you girl if you dont want your husband to cheat on you-you have to act NOW! hes already emotionally cheating. Its only a matter of time before that becomes physical and you will not be able to forgive that.

Best of luck

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OP - Your husband's having an emotional affair. The question isn't if he is or isn't, but what you're going to do about it? You going to freak out and beg him to stay? You going to tell him you know what he's doing, and demand that he make a choice, or are you going to just lie down and take it until you can't anymore?

By the way, all of that nonsense with his belongings and the locks? Totally illegal, at least here in the states. You can't throw him out of his own house without going through the eviction process. If you did it, YOU could be in legal trouble. If you did it and he kicked the door down to get in, he couldn't be charged with breaking and entering.

**** that illegal bulshit. hes not gonna press charges against his wife. he does need to know shes not gonna put up with this and i think he already nos its upsetting her. shes checked his messages loadsa times which he knows about, they have had a big fight about it etc etc. shes tried to communicate-he got defensive-another sign of guilt. then he invited her for coffee!!

if you dont wana keep him out for legal reasons-then leave for a few days and go to a friends house, turn off your phone, dont tell him where you are and leave a note saying "until he realizes shes a threat to your marriage-you are not coming back"

okay we'll we have had a few discussions about it all since, not big fights anymore so I think he has calmed down which is good. he is however always checking on me and not leaving his phone laying around anymore. I do see his point here because it was wrong of me to go through his messages to start with and I don't blame him for being hurt about that. I just have wait until he gets past that. however I have checked up on him a few times since and so far... no contact. I have decided that maybe I just need to give it a week to give him the chance to pull it right back rather than cutting it all off cold turkey as he works with this women everyday and it would seem very strange if he just stopped all contact with her. in this case, she is really playing no part in it. I have not seen anywhere where she has been subjective in any way so from her point of view I think it's just friends, and I have many guy friends so I understand that.
I am in a predicament because we are due to have our first baby in 5 was so its really not as simple as kick up for the sake of an experiment.
also, I could and would never tell him who he can and cannot be friends or talk with. and I would never stand in the way of someone else's feelings. if he really deep down has string feelings for this women then he has a choice, I will not make him stay with me as much as I love him. if he needs to be with her then I won't stand in the way of that. I'm not a believer in fighting for your man as I don't think I should have to. he should make the decision on his own.
so after a week of so I will see how we are going with the whole him just treating her like a normal friend and how our relationship is going, if things change then he has acknowledged it if things don't change, then he will be presented with a choice and there is no turning back from there. it's me or her.... he can't have both.
I have actually friended her on Facebook as I think I should get to know. I know all of his other friends that are girls and he knows all of my guys friends so this girl should be know different.
my husband tends to get attached to people's personalities regardless or male of female, and then it slowly where's off.
he went for a training session with his female PT business partner this morning who is married with kids and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. in this cAse it was the totally of the situation and not any specific isolated incident and once I got him to realise that he kind of understood. we will see how it all goes!!!!

Delusional much?

Your pregnant? That is an even bigger red flag. Emotional affairs are more common during or after pregnancy.

I think you are quite naive OP.

You should give him that choice now and stop believing every word he says.

Well, you've made a decision, Op. Just for your own sake I'd not back-track on that "Its her or me" ultimatum. If you do, then it's quite likely he will infact have the both of you.

I hope everything works out well for you and your relationship.

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Originally Posted by trc [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hi, I'm new to this and would like some advice as to weather I'm over reacting.
long story short,
my husband works with a female around his age. over time he has become more friendly with her to the point now where he talks about her all the time. a number of times he has questioned the appropriateness of the relationship lot me and asked if it is wrong. it bothered me but I never said anything because I just thought they were good friend. the other day he left his Facebook on and I did the unthinkable and opened a message from her, only to reel back through them and find him messaging her on a daily basis, they work together 5 days a week mind you. they have d&m s all the time which he tell me about, and she has a boy friend and is moving to wa. anyway the messages he has been sending say things like I will miss you so much when you leave, I know you like me because I got confirmation from you mum, can't wait to see you at work tomorrow, Thursdays are my favourite day because I work with you, you are such a good friend and we will always stay in touch etc... lots of smiley faces to. I know he's not cheating but I do think he has more Cohan friend feelings for her. I confronted him about the messages straight away so he know I checked them. we had a big fight and he says he has done nothing wrong because there was no bad intentions there. I say it's inappropriate and to just pull back on the relationship, and that there is no need to Facebook her every night after work. on his days off he also drops into work to see her. he says I am in the wrong but he will pull back a little, but won't end the friendship.
then I find out the next day he is messaging her again, and he defends it by saying he was just asking how her weekend was because her bf is home. I checked the message and yes that's what he was doing but he left out the bit where she told him they have broken up.
he is now saying that he feels he has to defend every message to her now and that he has to check with me first before speaking to her, and tells me he hasn't spoken to her today, because I asked him to to speak to her about our relationship. little do I then check the messages again, and sure he has messages her and actually asked her out to coffee, so much for pulling back. gladly she was busy, but he still hasn't said anything to me.
sorry for the lengthy story but this is the whole story, and I would love to know if I'm looking into too much or if the level of the relationship has crossed the line of friends. I fell the way he speaks to her is how he was with me when we first met. I guess lust that turns to love.

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He is having an emotional affair yes hands down and yes it is considered as cheating. I see this type of thing all the time at work. People who work closely together day in and day out can for a bond and it eventually turns into a crush. Your husband thinks it's ok because sex is not involved, but being emotionally involved is like dating as you pointed out. Time to explain this to him and suggest you both go to couples counseling. He just didn't fall into this because he works with her, these things start because there is something lacking in your marriage, and it's making him seek it out with her.

not necessarily true that their is something lacking. could be that he fears these changes with the baby and is looking for an escape from reality. its a weakness ue to emotional immaturity and itl happen again the next time you go though a rough patch if he doesnt find a better way of dealing with HIS issues.

counselling is defo needed in this relationship. people who fall into this trap are bad news and he needs to learn whats happening here to prevent it from happening again or going any further

well so far so good. she is away on holidays and no contact. like I said earlier there is no issue with having a friend that's a girl, I have friends that are boys. I feel deep down he can see the line and knows it was crossed.
well see when she gets back to work.
I love him and therefore can't make him stop having feelings for her if he does, all I can do is give him a choice between her and me. when it come down to it I think he will choose me but probably resent me for it.
I will just have to be strong enough to stick to it, because if he did choose her, I don't think she will choose him, so he will come crawling back.
I don't think anything is lacking in our relationship. I believe this has happened because he works in a pharmacy which is 95% women, and this women is of a similar age and back ground to him, and he works with her day in day out and has gotten to know her well.
just like I work in financial planning which is mainly male dominant and I my closest friends at work are 2 guys, the only difference is I don't actually tell them I'm going to miss them when they move away, and I don't message them after work for no real reason.
like I said, b,ringing al baby into the world makes thing a lot harder, it's not really as simple as kick him out and then he'll realise and come back. once he is gone, he is gone. there is no working things out. that is what our discussions have been for.
I am not the type of person to back peddle so once I have made up my mind I will be sticking to it, I would not want him to think he ill take him back.
I think he really needs to take these messages to a close mate that sis married or even another one of his female friends that is honest and as for their point of view. because he is bias to his view and I am bias to mine. if someone else could see the messages, and know the story and give him a their view then he will realise how wrong it is.
this is a guys who has given up drinking because when he does he can't remember what he has done and therefore cannot trust himself, also I know everything about his bucks show and what happened on that.
well anyway, I will see what happens, things have been a lot better since simply because I am happy at home with him knowing he's not on his phone to her.

good luck to you.

sounds like you have your head crewed on. i wouldnt tolerate your whole male/female best mates crap that you both have going on but each to their own and if something happened on his stag to prove hes untrustworthy-it baffles me y ud marry him in the first place but each to their own.

i hope everything goes well with the baby

You are being quite passive for someone who could be losing her husband. My guess is you fear you will be pushing him into her arms if you put up any fuss over it. It sounds to me you are trying to convince yourself that this isn't a serious matter because "I don't see anything wrong with having female friends", or "He is surrounded by 95% female colleagues". And that everything should be OK for the most part because there has been no contact. This is denial. He can easily continue with this by using other means like a new cel phone, using "private browser" on the computer. What's stopping him now from just hiding it from you. Maybe that is what attracts him to her...she probably speaks her mind, is more open, more aggressive....a far cry from you who is willing to let things slide. Or it could be there is more focus on what's happening with the baby him than him. I have a feeling there is more going on with your relationship than what you are leading us to believe....communication is key to make the outcome of this successful. Just my two cents......keep us updated on how things are going.

nothing happened on his stag do, but my point is that I actually knew all places they went to how much money he spent, where they stayed, and who was there.
my husband is not the brightest spark, he couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it, he told his own grandma when he was doing recreational drugs for crying out loud, as if that's something she needs to know. firstly he wouldn't even know how to organise I new phone. he can't even turn our laptop on.
we don't have best friends that are of opposite sexes. just plain old friends.
I have grown up in the country in the public school system with a group of about 20 friends, mixed sexes. that is just how it is in the country, and in aus. it's just knowing where the line is between friend, and feelings. you don't normally look at your friends ion that way, so once you do, then you know something is up.
as for physical- non issue there.
my only issue is deciding if I am looking into the messages way too much or if he needs to accept it was wrong and stop.
I think I have my answer to that and now I just have to see which road he chooses to take in the coming week and that will answer my questions.
I don't feel it's a matter of being passive. you can't force someone to stop their feelings. otherwise they will just suppress them and they will resurface again later, and also it's not fair. what if she is his dream girl, I can't deny him that. he is to man if my dreams and I want him to be happy, and if he is happier with her, then so be it, but he can't have both. one or the other. and I would not want him to Bevin a relationship with me if it was forced or fake.

i do agree with smackie and im very glad she pointed that out. i didnt want to force my opinion on you and it seems like its nor really sinking in but your marriage IS in trouble here and i do think you need to wake up.

you say things like "i wouldnt force him to be with me if he wants her" etc but you have to realize him actually contemplating leaving you for her can be avoided if you act now. the longer you ignore this issue-the closer he will get to her.

its very likely if he does have a physical affair or leave you-hell regret it big time once he experiences what life is like with her and youll both prob end up miserable. you can avoid all of that by doing something now before this gets out of control.

theres a lot at stake here and you have a new baby coming soon. i suggest you take this seriously and stoo telling yourself everything will be fine. look up emotional affairs. i dont think you understand how much damage this can do to a marriage (even with no physical cheating)

Well Trc I guess you need to just address this with him and make him be honest with you....but you need to be honest too and tell him how unhappy you are. No sense in "suppressing" you feelings either.....it would be fair now would it?