Need some reasonable advice!!! Please help!

Hi guys,

So basically my girlfriend uses Tumblr (an online blog) and she posts about a certain fetish that is only explorable through fantasy. Her and I are into the same fetish and regularly roleplay about it. However, she does roleplay online with some of her followers on tumblr. Specifically, she roleplays with a certain guy that lives about a state away from us. After RPing with this guy and seeing some pictures of him, they started talking on skype and even over texts (phone) and like to regularly keep in touch and text nearly everyday about just random stuff in their lives or the fetish/RPs.

So it is pretty clear there is some sexual tension between them.. she was honest with me and said she is reall attracted to him (hes handsome) and likes that hes into the fetish too.. but that shes dating me and loves me and is ****ing me, not him. She insists that I have nothing to worry about and gets upset when I ask her to see her phone all the time. I told her its not that I dont trust her I just on't trust him and want to make sure he isn't pushing her for sexy details too often.

Lately I've noticed that she talks to him on the phone for an hour at a time and it does bother me... I know they're not flirting constantly and its not some sort of like phone sex session but it just bothers me that shes talking to him EVERY day.

I need help, how do I explain to her that this isn't okay and wouldn't be okay to any other guy in a relationship with her.



Random notes:
We've been together for 7 years..
She insists they're just friends and sometimes like to talk about the fetishy stuff.
I believe she really does care and love me but just doesn't want to give up the friendship with him.

-Important: She has very few friends.. ever since college ended she hasn't had more than 1-2 friends at a time.






NOTE: Sorry for crap details and grammar.. I typed this up on my phone and I kinda rushed it.. just anxious to get quick opinions!

Fetishes add an interesting element to this Q & the dynamic. I'm guessing this isn't something you can just talk to anybody about, especially vanilla people like me.

You need to be straightforward with her & explain that she's getting too close to this guy for your comfort. You can't demand that she completely cut him out because that does show a lack of trust & most likely will have negative consequences on your relationship.

Hang on to the fact that she is your GF & you are together while he's a state away.

Come up with some concrete things that she can do to reassure you but continue to remind her that you do love & trust her even though you are feeling insecure.

Initiate a break up conversation with her. Tell her you feel like its an intrusion on your relationship at this point, and you don't want to split time with her friend. Don't make it an ultimatum. Just tell her you want out. If she does anything other than cut him off completely right then, then you really should be done with her.

If you don't have the balls for that, the just **** another girl so you're already one up on her. You could also start following another girl that's into the same fetish. Keep your current girl around but start looking for another one. If you find one suitable before you g/f shapes up, then drop her.

What do you think would happen if this guy lived in the same town?? Exactly. She'd be ****ing, and fetishing his brains out.

^ She is walking all over you.

Tell her it's inappropriate and ask her to stop immediately and completely the flirting and sharing her sexual fantasies with another man besides you. If she'd have some self respect and cared about your relationship, she should have never done it. If she doesn't get your point, give her a taste of her own medicine, flirting with another girl, or just leave her, she doesn't seem to be worth the hassle.

what an awkward situation :( , best to confront her about, if she cares enough about you hopefully she will listen to you.

To DalM0m: You're right, it isn't something you can just talk to anybody out.. its actually not a hugely popular fetish. However, her and I are into it too and regularly practice it which she loves.(rare to be together with someone so long and just so happen to have that same kink)

Recently, I have actually talked to her about it and basically approached it as gently as i could.. I basically told her I just want to be very open with how she is talking to him and I dont want her to hide anything or feel like she has to hide stuff in fear I'll get upset.. I said if you're saying things that upset me i'l calmly approach you about it and we can talk. She liked the idea but it still bothers me ad I feel she'll still not refrain from being explicit with him.

To:BackUporGetStng and Valixy
You're right in some ways.. I feel she is walking over me.

A big thing to me is that she isn't willing to compromise with me about this.. she would much rather tell me that I shouldn't be upset about it in the first place and that there is nothing to worry about so she doesn't -have- to stop talking to him.

I also feel really bad because this is like... her only ****ing friend she talks to on the phone or even in general, so i have to make her (try to) stop talking to him or just deal with i.. either way it's a lose lose situation for me..

She's treating you with sod all respect and her fetish is irrelevant to all this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's treating you with sod all respect and her fetish is irrelevant to all this.

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What do you mean by "sod"? Please elaborate a little more, I appreciate all the opinions I can get.


Edit: The only way I see it is you could mean "Sex on delivery" or the slang term for "sod" as a fool or idiot.

If you mean the first one, yes that is true but that is irrelevant... I've been with her for 7 years and I consider her the love of my life.. my dream girl.. my SOULMATE, even..

She may not see this as a problem in her eyes and that I shouldn't worry or feel "uncomfortable".. but I do! I feel incredibly disrespected and uncomfortable with how she talks to this guy. She sees him strictly as a friend that she just so happen can
talk to about this fetish with, although it's nothing truly serious.. It doesn't mean that it isn't disrespectful to me or my feelings.

Idk, I just really need more opinions on this and what people think would be a -GOOD- way to approach the situation other than "dude just break up with her".. because she deserves more than that and what we have is very special and is WORTH fighting for!

'Sod all' in UK Enlish means nothing. She cares nothing for your feeliggs. You said she deserves more than just breaking up. OK, give her an ultimatum. Let her know loud and clear what changes you want to see in the relatinship. Then she has the opportunity to make the changes you want. She makes the changes = things are fine. She doesn't make those changes = it's over. It really is that simple. And the fact that you've been together x number of years is irrelevent if the relationship isn't working. And you might feel that she's the love of YOUR life but from what you've said she doesn't hold you in the same esteem does she?

If she is not willing to compromise, she has one foot out the door. You might as well end this.

Now you just sound like a pussy. You've been told the same thing by multiple people, in multiple ways. The ounce of sympathy I had for you is now gone, and now I'm just going sit and wait for you to return with more tales of woe..like I do with staticsnake. That guy makes me laugh.

You deserve what you allow.

Add a vote for me that you are being walked over. women respect men who stand up for their beliefs. They find it attractive. Women will test about every man they are with in some way to see if they will stand up for themselves. You are failing this test. This is not like u are being a controlling jerk she is crossing the line.

I'm chiming in late here, but I just want to add my voice to those who are saying that you're being walked all over.

I understand that you're OK with them just speaking as regular friends would, but mate he's not a regular friend: he's an online sex buddy. She has no interest in dropping the sex talk with him because he's hot and he's getting her off. And if she did drop the sex talk, it's unlikely he'd bother with her any further.

If she cannot see that her behaviour is inappropriate, then you really need to walk away. I know you don't want to, but this is in the category of "serious dealbreakers".

Definitely agree with the above post.

trust. you have to have trust in her.

I agree with everyone else, but I do have to add the first time you asked to see her phone is the moment you lost trust in her. A relationship without trust is nothing, i'd say move on. Then again if it was me and a guy I was dating asked to see my phone, he'd be gone.

Hey guys, first of all I'd like to sincerely thank everyone for offering up their 2 cents.. It really means a lot to me.

I agree that it really does feel like shes stomping all over me with this.. after I read all the posts I decided it was time for me to take charge.

I've always been the type of guy to put her first, with literally, everything. I would almost always put my own feelings aside if it meant she'd be comfortable and happy. Even if we got in a fight about something that I felt bad about emotionally.. If I felt like I couldn't win the argument, I would just agree with her and let go of my own feelings..

Well, that ended today.. I finally stood up for myself, so let me update you guys on what I did..

I confronted her when I felt she was very calm and happy with the conversation. I told her that I was thinking a lot about how I felt about her talking to this guy while I was in class and I realized that I was being taken advantage of. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and disrespected by the -nature- of her friendship with this guy. I said that I don't want to have to MAKE her stop talking to what is seemingly and quite literally her only friend but I had to stick up for myself and my own feelings this time. I said that although a part of me wants to just "forget" about this guy and her talking to him in order to make her happy.. I simply could not and my only choice is to ask her to seize the friendship with him and stop talking to him.

She reacted first by saying that she felt really awful that I felt she was walking all over me. She then told me that she wants me to be happy and not have to be uncomfortable or worry about her texting/talking to him and that she would always choose me over her friendship with him ANY day..

I told her this really meant a lot to me that she felt that way and that I would try and make this as easy as possible for her, also I made it clear that it wasn't easy for me to ask her to give up her only current friend because of the way I felt.. I couldn't help to feel guilty for that but I simply had to put an end to it for my own psychological sake.

SOOOOO she agreed and deleted his contact from her phone and since then hasn't been responding to his texts. He tried reaching her on Tumblr, asking why she was ignoring him. She replied and said that she was going through some issues and he was the center of those issues.. He responded by saying he hated being any sort of burden to her or cause problems with her and me (He knows we're together). She said to him (and me) that she honestly was very upset with the idea of not being able to talk to him because she felt he was one of her only friends.. but she wants to make me feel better and that this was the only way.

Anyway, thats pretty much where we're at now guys... She does mention to me a lot that this whole thing does suck, that she would like to still talk to him but not have me upset. She understands that it does make me feel disrespected and uncomfortable but she wishes it didn't.

I feel like she is very willing to go through with this for my sake because she loves and cares about me.. but it is definitely a really tough process for her (she admitted).

Whaddya guys/gals think?


Note: I've known her for a long while (8 yrs)(dating for 7).. I'm 100% confident that she would do anything to make me happy and that the relationship with this guy isn't just because she needs to "get off" because they share the same kinks/fetishes.. because her and I also share those things. She just likes having a friend to talk to about it as well and not just me.

Sounds like you've handled things in a pretty mature way. And it's good that she seems to have agreed with your wishes. That said, what's worrying is that she didn't realise what she was doing was not appropriate and that you had to point this out to her. Will she stick to what she's said? Only time will tell. Good luck but I think you'll have to monitor whether she does stick to the agreement.

Explain to her that she can share everything with you and even share details about her fetish anonymously online (if she needs it so badly) without developing a personal relationship with people, or she can consult a sex therapist, etc., but she cannot let herself getting attached emotionally and sexually to another guy, which is why cutting contact with him is a ''really tough process for her'' now.

It's just common sense really and she should be able to get it. Also to understand that this has been hurting you and that she needs to get some self control of her sexual energies because venturing them outside your relationship like she did was low class and very selfish. Maybe she's lost her sense of reality a bit, or she's just trying to manipulate you when she says that she wishes she could still talk to him, but your sense of reality is in its place, what she did is unacceptable and you'll have to learn to stand for your feelings a bit longer, imo.

If she finally put you 1st, then I'd say you are on solid ground again.

Her relationship with this guy is not a friendship, it is an online affair. She has become emotionally and sexually attached to him, infatuated and a little obsessed which is why she was selfish, spoke to him every day and pretended it was "no big deal" overlooking your feelings and pretending it doesn't affect your relationship. She was in denial.

I think you should be aware of the potential risk and damage this could cause to your relationship if she doesnt keep away from this "friend". She will be tempted to contact him in secret so be aware of that. I dont think your little chat was firm enough and she should be aware of the consequences of carrying on her little fling. You should tell her in mo uncertain terms that you and her will be finished if she ever gets this close to a guy again. Also ask her to research emotional affairs so she is fully aware of what she has done.

Dont just brush this under the rug. Your not in the clear yet and you both have work to do to save your relationship. If there is anything missing (romance, intimacy, quality time, communication etc) then you should be working on fixing it now. It may also be s good idea to buy some books that you can both read such as "how to avoid affairs" or "saving your relationship" etc

im not trying to scare you but this is a red flag and you need to be aware that she may continue to talk to him discretely because these affairs can be addictive. Its an escape from real life, an unhealthy distraction from all the stresses and strains which can delude people so bad that when they finally come back down to earth-they only realize then the destruction and pain they have caused. Communication is vital and a few sessions of couples counselling may do you the world of good

best of luck

Unless all three of you are into a three some, this will not work. Typically relationships are between two people. (I know in today's commie world it can be anything.) But, two people is the key for a long term relationship, at least for me. This guy is a third wheel and he has GOT TO GO. Tell her it is either you or him. She is not being fair to you. Put the shoe on the other foot and ask how she would feel if you did this to her. Good luck.

You have to be ready to leave her mentally, then let her know clearly that you feel this way - directly and confidently. If you've been together for 7 years, I'd assume you haven't had many experiences like this to set the rules when this kind of shit happens. So now's the time to do that.

Get clear about what you want. Do you have any other potential girls? Are you high-value enough that you can find another partner after her? Hopefully the answer is yes. If not, make them yes. It may take a few months, during which you should try to keep talking to her directly. And if shit hits the fan, you'll have moved on mentally.

u must approach her about it man. its not right for her to RP with other men if shes in a relationship.