Best way to tell a potential partner you have an upper limit on ex partners?

Let me try to explain before anyone thinks that I'm being judgemental, I understand that it is not ideal but it comes from some severely traumatic experiences with previous girlfriends. I understand that "not all women are like that". Im just completely unprepared to ever go through anything like that again. When someone cheats on you and comes back acting as if nothing has happened is a violation of someones reality and forces them to engage in a relationship that they would not otherwise.

I don't want to ever bluntly ask a girl that question of how many pervious partners as it seems to be completely taboo to as a woman that question. I have never had a guy take more than a moment to answer that question and to this day I have never heard a woman do the same. I'm not being critical here, it just seems that its very private to women.

The reason I am concerned is that there is a certain peak at which the number of sexual partners correlates with failed relationships and marriages. I would also like to find a woman who has a similar sexual appetite for good compatibility, otherwise we both risk being unsatisfied. I think the ideal would be a woman with a similar number of ex partners but maybe a few less to account for the 7x less testosterone.

Im sort of looking for a way to tactfully say that my upper limit is x Im not trying to make any negative judgement, I have just made the decision to be overtly cautious and I understand that that might mean loosing someone who is perfectly wonderful.

The other problem seems to be that all of these past girlfriends were told in no uncertain terms that infidelity would be an instant end to our relationship the moment that it happened and that it was perfectly acceptable if they didn't even feel like telling me. If they didn't reply to my text that would be that, I wouldn't bother them again. However they all came back, so I am stuck in the dilemma of trying to find a way around this problem?

Thanks

You bring to mind that old song:

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JIMMY SOUL
"If You Wanna Be Happy"


If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
And she'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you


[Spoken:]
Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an' she's ug-leeee!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

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Op: If they've got no other options but you, they're going to value you more. :emot119:

One of the reasons women may hesitate on answering this question is because some men will make a future decision based on the answer. Your question is a case in point. Or in my case, it's because I've never bothered to count and remember....it's simply not important enough for me to bother figuring out.

Anyway, I wouldn't bother too much about tact. After all, if the number is too high and you dump her - the act of dumping because of her history would more than negate any tact used in asking the question.

I think if women don't answer its because they might think they had more than who ever & it will make the guy feel insecure, if she only had one or two or even three I bet she'd reply.

If it's your deal breaker better to get it asked right off then waste their time & have them catch feelings for you.

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Originally Posted by breathe123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think if women don't answer its because they might think they had more than who ever & it will make the guy feel insecure, if she only had one or two or even three I bet she'd reply.

If it's your deal breaker better to get it asked right off then waste their time & have them catch feelings for you.

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I have realised that its obviously best to make up some other reason to tell her, but then I dont know how I would have any idea how many partners she has had. I feel like I really want a girl who is quite clean cut who perhaps reads or does something productive when they are bored rather than being entertained and getting laid. It also seem like more promiscuous girls tend to get bored of sex quickly and are alway reoccupied with attaining novel thrills. The problem comes back to the fact that the vast majority of these women are going to convince themselves at some point that they want a steady relationship regardless of wether they have the capacity for monogamy, these girls will will lie about these things and justify them with the fact that "she isn't like that anymore or it was just a phase". however some of the girls will in some cases have a hardwired preference for risky and exciting sex (the Playboy gene - effects women too).

Do you have any ideas on how I can try to determine her past without having to actually bring it up and rely on trust?

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I have realised that its obviously best to make up some other reason to tell her, but then I dont know how I would have any idea how many partners she has had. I feel like I really want a girl who is quite clean cut who perhaps reads or does something productive when they are bored rather than being entertained and getting laid. It also seem like more promiscuous girls tend to get bored of sex quickly and are alway reoccupied with attaining novel thrills. The problem comes back to the fact that the vast majority of these women are going to convince themselves at some point that they want a steady relationship regardless of wether they have the capacity for monogamy, these girls will will lie about these things and justify them with the fact that "she isn't like that anymore or it was just a phase". however some of the girls will in some cases have a hardwired preference for risky and exciting sex (the Playboy gene - effects women too).

Do you have any ideas on how I can try to determine her past without having to actually bring it up and rely on trust?

Also I think if her number was similar to mine (23) then that should be pretty easy to remember, (do most women have a much higher number than that?)

Its sort of a red flag for me if they don't remember the guy as it show they have extremely low attachment, which is less than ideal for marriage etc.

You must be very young. In fact, you sound too young to be thinking of marriage.

Food for thought: telling a woman that infidelity is a deal breaker gives her a passive way to break up with you if she decides she is too wimpy to just do it.

"Food for thought: telling a woman that infidelity is a deal breaker gives her a passive way to break up with you if she decides she is too wimpy to just do it."

That sounds amazing, I wouldn't have any problem with that whatsoever, as long as she doesn't come back. That is the only problem. I have no trouble meeting girls and there are so so many out there that if she would prefer another guy then as long as she doesn't come back to me I will be happy for them both and even keep her as a friend. The problem is that they always come back and im sure they justify with, "what you dont know wont hurt you" which would be where we depart philosophically and ethically. One ex who had a prolific sexual history 60+ by the time she way 17, told me she had only been with 5 other guys and honestly even girls will tell you that all women lie about it, so what am I supposed to do?

Also I'm 28 so its exactly time to start thinking about marriage and I'm only interested in girls who are able to derive self esteem through virtue and not just keeping their legs open.

Even if you asked her, Polemic she could easily lie and saw several partners less than she actually had, you can't know for sure what the real number is, have to just trust & so many people lie about everything.

If real important to you, then just come out & ask in a polite way, if they take offense it won't be on how you worded it. If asked I would tell but mine is on one hand so, what do I care, every one I've been with has had LOTS more partners than me, maybe in your country people are more shy about discussing this?

Thnaks for your reply.

I agree that they can just lie and there would be nothing that I can do about it, which is why I have stayed away from relationships for the last 5 or so years. Its not what I want but the though of being with a "promiscuous" girl is too unpleasant for me me to be worth taking the risk. Do you think that If i gained the trust of one of their friends, they might at least give me a clue as to her true nature?

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Also I think if her number was similar to mine (23) then that should be pretty easy to remember, (do most women have a much higher number than that?)

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No, most women aren't higher than that. What exactly is your threshold? Because it really isn't that hard to find a woman who hasn't slept with more men than you have women, 23 is somewhat high for either gender.

And holy shit, are you really thinking about trying to use a woman's friends as agents to find out her "true nature"? Bro...you sound like you have PTSD from previous relationships. You don't need elaborate schemes to find out how many guys your targets have boned, you need closure on whatever the **** has happened to you in your dating life.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You bring to mind that old song:



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Op: If they've got no other options but you, they're going to value you more. :emot119:

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Oh, so that's how you've kept your husband happy for so long

You might be right about the PTSD stuff, but as far as im aware nobody is saying the cure for PTSD is to go back to war?

I have spent the last 5 years trying to get over it and im not prepared to waste any more of my life in bad relationships. I have decided on caution as a best strategy and I am lucky enough to be able to be somewhat selective as I don't have problems meeting and getting to know women so to toss a few back in the sea is not really a big issue for me. (note i have no intention of shaming them, just getting away from them asap).

As for the agent thing, I have been warned by a girls friends before, so I don't think that its out of the question.

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, so that's how you've kept your husband happy for so long

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Actually it's my oral skillzzz ;)

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You might be right about the PTSD stuff, but as far as im aware nobody is saying the cure for PTSD is to go back to war?

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Never said it was. Reread the post you're quoting.

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Originally Posted by Polemic

I have spent the last 5 years trying to get over it and im not prepared to waste any more of my life in bad relationships. I have decided on caution as a best strategy and I am lucky enough to be able to be somewhat selective as I don't have problems meeting and getting to know women so to toss a few back in the sea is not really a big issue for me. (note i have no intention of shaming them, just getting away from them asap).

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I already know all of this about you from your previous posts. It doesn't answer the question I posed - what is your upper limit? You mentioned having been with 23 women...shouldn't be that hard to find a woman who's been with fewer men than that. Most of them have been with fewer men.

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Originally Posted by Polemic

As for the agent thing, I have been warned by a girls friends before, so I don't think that its out of the question.

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My point was that your idea represents the type of paranoia that's more likely to ruin a relationship than a high partner count.

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Never said it was. Reread the post you're quoting.



I already know all of this about you from your previous posts. It doesn't answer the question I posed - what is your upper limit? You mentioned having been with 23 women...shouldn't be that hard to find a woman who's been with fewer men than that. Most of them have been with fewer men.



My point was that your idea represents the type of paranoia that's more likely to ruin a relationship than a high partner count.

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My upper limit would be 12, partly based on the fact that men have 7x the testosterone level. I understand that paranoia can ruin a relationship, which is why I want to deal with the issue off the bat before things go further. I would guess that most attractive women have been with more guys than 24 by the age of 28.

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I would guess that most attractive women have been with more guys than 24 by the age of 28.

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I would imagine that attractive women that don't want a longterm boyfriend would have more then 24 partners by the time they are 28 or, that women that have emotional problems or self esteem problems may have more then that at 28...

... but I'm thinking that those that want to/wanted to settle down with one man, those that do not use their vagina's to try and emotionally engage a man would not have that many.

YOU, op just have to know how to pick a chick without issue or one that has not wanted anything less then long term relationships. Her numbers would not be anywhere near 24 by the time she is 28.

That being said, Your question to the ladies you find attractive should be: "How many long term relationships have you been in" rather then "how many men have you had sex with." (or anything along that line).

Now before those that have had more then 24 by the time they are 28 try to justify or project or flame. I'm not talking smack about you... unless of course you find that you are in fact one of the two types I've mentioned... then you can justify all you want but the op won't believe a word you're saying.

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My upper limit would be 12, partly based on the fact that men have 7x the testosterone level.

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That's kind of a dumb argument, since testosterone is not the driving factor in women's sex drive.

[url]http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/estrogen-plays-key-role-revving-women-sex-drives-study-article-1.1330163[/url]

[QUOTE=vashti;1008626]That's kind of a dumb argument, since testosterone is not the driving factor in women's sex drive.

No, its to do with the levels of testosterone that they are exposed to as a fetus, after that all women's levels go back to normal.

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Thanks for the reply, I know about a lot of the warning signs for these types of girls now, which will probably be enough, studies have consistently showed that women lie about this subject a lot. The point is that a girl who has slept with a ton of guys will always lie so I think asking is pretty much a dead end.

i think building trust with one of her friends and asking in a super tactical and subtle way, I could ask a bunch of seemly unrelated question which I could used to build up some idea of probability.

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I understand that paranoia can ruin a relationship, which is why I want to deal with the issue off the bat before things go further.

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You're still missing the point. When you say "deal with the issue right off the bat" you imply that "the issue" is not anything inside of you that causes you to be this way, it is the number of partners your woman has. This means you are putting all of the responsibility for your emotional distress on the number of partners your woman has and accepting none of it yourself. And that means you're still running away from your demons. A woman with under 12 partners isn't going to solve your problems. The only difference is you'll have a woman with fewer than 12 partners while you still have all of the same issues that you have now. And the issues you have that are responsible for you being the way that you are still has the potential to ruin future relationships.

If you really think that a woman with under 12 partners will make such a sturdy crutch that she will make you the lone exception to the rule of which I speak then best of luck to you. You're going to need it.

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thnaks for your reply.

I agree that they can just lie and there would be nothing that I can do about it, which is why I have stayed away from relationships for the last 5 or so years. Its not what I want but the though of being with a "promiscuous" girl is too unpleasant for me me to be worth taking the risk. Do you think that If i gained the trust of one of their friends, they might at least give me a clue as to her true nature?

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Women ALWAYS talk to each other so expect that gf to tell her friend you were asking questions & what the exact questions were & they can probably guess if they have half a brain what you are trying to find out, & if you really like the girl & she is under the limit you want you might lose out because of that tactic you chose.

I only think girls who haven't had or do not like LT relationships would have over 20 plus partners by a certain age & lots of people do not just jump right into bed with another after heartbreak, they space it out. So maybe 10 by 25 is possible if they had sex at 17 or around. You can't ever really know, some could be 28 & 40 partners or 28 & 4 partners. Not everyone only wants sex, but lots do, so depends on want of love over sex I guess.

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Originally Posted by Polemic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think building trust with one of her friends and asking in a super tactical and subtle way, I could ask a bunch of seemly unrelated question which I could used to build up some idea of probability.

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Breathe123 is right: Expect her friend to tell your intended all about the conversation. If you were going to gauge one of my friends by the number of guys she'd slept with, I'd be telling my friend exactly what I thought of you. And it wouldn't be pretty.

Honestly I don't think you would really know for the question that I would ask. That is unless you had read a load of related studies, which most normal people would have not. Also in most groups of friends, there is a good chance that one of her friends will be attracted to you and would probably be more inclined to drop the truth as many women are super competitive in this regard.

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I agree with the LT relationships thing and to be fair most girls seem to admit this kind of thing freely as opposed to the number of partner issue. Im thinking this should be my second most reliable arbiter. Thanks

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I've waited 5 years to get over it and I don't have any intention of waiting any longer. There is no way I could feel comfortable and relaxed with this type of girl. I never had these issues before one of my ex's told me she had 5 pervious partners and it turned out to be over 50 in the end, she was only 17 at the time. My line now is that anything is possible so be prepared.