My fiancee is 34...and im 18.

Basically i have been dating an older man, he is 35 i am 18. (yes ive gotten all the grief from the previous answers)
were taking it slow, we are getting engaged and it we will take our time with it until we are both ready.
i am still going to college. i also do summer courses to get done earlier. he supports whatever i want to do in life. i also have an IUD in so there wont be anything to worry about for a while. i only mention this because it was talked about in the previous answers.
i understand i am young, and i understand that i will change in a lot of ways but thats not what i want to discuss.

He was previously married and has 2 young children from that marriage. a 2 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.
He married when he was 20 to his high school sweetheart and they were married for 9 years. shes 37.
the marriage has legally ended and they worked out a custody plan (before i was in the picture) that he gets the kids monday morning through friday morning and she has them for the weekend basically.
He owned 2 houses which he gave one to his ex.
So now that we have a relationship, i am around the kids often. at first they were shy around me and asked him who i was. to make them feel more comfortable i started playing with them, going out with them and their dad and doing whatever they like. i thought it would be a good idea since i was a stranger to their home and they saw their dad being close to me (holding hands, sitting close, etc) and the two people they are use to is mom and dad, and also the grandparents.
So when i was mentioned to the ex she disliked me right away. and he and also his parents asked why a couple times and she only said "the age" at first. just those to words.
she never has spoken to me. ive tried and family gathering and she actually walks away.
she has never spoken a word to me.
so yesterday my boyfriend and I took the kids to the aquarium and we had a blast. the kids really enjoyed it and so did we, all of us spending time together, it actually felt nice.
yesterday night the whole family (grandparents, siblings, kids, and the ex) got together with us for dinner at this new restaurant. we both decided to make our engagement announcement and honestly, everyone was thrilled. except her. then the aquarium was mentioned because the kids were talking about it and she flipped. She said she doesnt her kids near me and my presence.
and she basically said she will take him to court and take full custody if he continues on with the engagement and he marries me and she said any judge would side with her. i really dont think thats a valid reason for a custody battle.
And theyre his kids too right? if he wants to spend time with all of us is that wrong?
Its not like i have to take care of the kids on my own, they had this custody agreement long before me so i dont see what has changed that would make him unable to take good care of them.

how long have you been together? tbh she's these kids' mother, she has every right to say what happens to them. if i was her, i personally wouldnt want my kids to bond with my ex's new woman.

Sorry I'm not even a mother and I wouldn't want my ex hubby's teenaged gf around my children. Sorry.

I don't think the judge is going to side with her. She's just freaking out. Give her some time to simmer down and get used to the idea.

While I think you should not be marrying a man twice your age (I'm sure you've heard it all before, so I'll spare you), you are technically an adult. Whatever her arguments are, she has to face that fact.

If my ex-husband had an eighteen year old fiancee, I'd worry about her parenting skills, but it would ultimately be his own business.

i knew him for a couple years...but nothing was going on. we officially started dating when i turned 18 and we recently got engaged.
he was divorced the whole time and no cheating took place, nothing illegal took place.
i understand the mom's concerns but im not a dumb kid either. i have taken care of kids before and ive been around kids. i dont drink, smoke, or do any drugs. and im still working on an eduacation.
she agreed on split custody. and to be honest, the kids are his too not just hers. i recently found out shes dating as well the boyfriend is moving in with her.
so as long as im not doing anything wrong, i think she is judging me strictly on age. she should give me a chance and get to know me and tell me her concerns.

i understand my parenting skills arent developed since i havent had kids myself and that im young. but her ex would still be the primary person in charge. i wouldnt change that.

and there are a lot of great 18 year old moms out there...the problem with most is that they have to face it alone.

Oh my god. Those poor, unfortunate kids. They are getting fcuked from every direction, aren't they?

:(

maybe she thinks you are too young to become her kids step mother. there are more step mothers murdering the kids than biological mothers...so as the biological mother she is likely worried what kind of person her ex is exposing her kids to. meeting you at family events doesn;t constitute knowing anything about you. stepmothers do invest less in children than biological mothers do, there also tends to be conflict between step mothers and the children in regard to competition for the affection of the husband/father. if i was in her position i'd be worried too for many different reasons

I think you are entirely too young to be worrying about this. I am certain you have been told this over and over and I am also certain you are not going to change your mind. However- I am going to say it anyway. I know from experience that who you are at 18 is NOT who you are at 25 is NOT who you are at 30. (I am 33). The amount of change that goes on as far as who you are is tremendous between the ages of 20 and 30. (and I am assuming the same is true for 30 and 40).

Do not marry him! what is going to happen when you have kids with this man? How are his kids and his ex gonna handle that? Its going to make these current problems even worse- esp when (if) the ex mistreats your kid out of spite for you. Have you thought about this?

Date him if you want to but seriously reconsider the marriage.. give it till you are at least 25.

Anyway that being said- I am willing to bet you are going to marry him anyway. So as far as the ex and her bad behavior well.. there is nothing much you can do. You are just gonna have to deal with it and remember she is the mother and her concerns are very legitimate. Just be as nice as possible and respect the relationship between her and her kids (THEY are the only truly innocent ones here as they were the only ones that had no choice whatsoever in this matter). When the ex is pissing you off just remember- you signed up for this... you are the only one here who has the ability to completely walk away from this mess with no strings or ties permanently keeping you there.

You haven't even been dating a year and you're engaged? Errr... me thinks you should be dating a heck of a lot longer than months (I don't care how long you knew him... it's different than dating) before getting married.

I was just thinking that I am 33, and the thought of dating someone who is 18 doesnt compute with me. I wouldnt even date someone who was 23... The difference in mentality and maturity is immeasurable. I really dont understand this.

OP- do you know what you are missing out on as far as being young, and enjoying this part of your life?

we are having a long engagment, it was like we were dating before we actually were we just couldnt because i was underage.
and im really not a big party person. i can still enjoy life after i get my degree.

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Originally Posted by mywhitehouse [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

we are having a long engagment, it was like we were dating before we actually were we just couldnt because i was underage.
and im really not a big party person. i can still enjoy life after i get my degree.

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No one said anything about going to parties. Your choices in life are not limited to being young and drunk or old and married.. there is a healthy, reasonable place in between that you are going to miss out on if you get marry into this situation.

Again I advice you to walk away from this bullshit. You are too young; you are wasting your youth worrying about problems that OTHER people created before you were even old enough to drive.

At 18 you really don't know as much about life, love and responsibility as you think you do. There's certainly no need to rush into a marriage to anyone, let alone a divorced man of 34 with two children.

First of all the age gap is HUGE right now. It would be different if you were 38 and he 54. As you age and gain life experience the gap is less of a matter. You really do have a lot of life lessons ahead and should be enjoying your youth, dating several types of people and living the College experience. It's not the time to commit yourself to a man who should be focused on his young children.

Becoming a stepmom is a huge responsibility. You may have been around children (including his) before but putting their health, happiness, education and safety first is what should be done. That takes an unselfish maturity. Not all people older than you can handle that. Plus you will forever need to deal with his ex, like it or not. She is their mom. If I were her I'd be pissed as hell to think you may be mothering my children.

I really wonder why a man of 34 would want any gal your age. Is he reliving his (lost) youth with you? That's my suspicion. He will have his fun now like he should have at 20 and then get tired of it. That's what happens. Let that be a lesson to you. Have your fun NOW. Date around, explore the world, make other friends in your age group. You don't want to look back as a 30+ aged woman and think about what you may have missed .. and then go wild. That's ugly.

Why are you in such a rush to tie yourself to someone? Do you understand that there is a large part of your life that you are just ending before you even begin.

You don't want to make tons of friends in college and experience being on your own for the first time? You don't want to travel the world and learn from new exciting experiences? You don't want to experience getting your first job and the joy of making your own money, taking care of yourself and growing into a self sufficient woman?

You don't even want to take the opportunity to explore the beauty of the world and everything that it has to offer you?

I'm am terribly sad for you. My years as an adult (from 18-25) are some of the most prized years of my life. I've grown so much and I've truly learned about myself. I don't care what you say, you are stifling your growth by partnering with someone (especially a man with kids) so early in life.

I think your boyfriend is selfish. He is depriving you of essential life experiences by trying to tie you down so early. What's the rush?

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Originally Posted by LailaK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why are you in such a rush to tie yourself to someone? Do you understand that there is a large part of your life that you are just ending before you even begin.

You don't want to make tons of friends in college and experience being on your own for the first time? You don't want to travel the world and learn from new exciting experiences? You don't want to experience getting your first job and the joy of making your own money, taking care of yourself and growing into a self sufficient woman?

You don't even want to take the opportunity to explore the beauty of the world and everything that it has to offer you?

I'm am terribly sad for you. My years as an adult (from 18-25) are some of the most prized years of my life. I've grown so much and I've truly learned about myself. I don't care what you say, you are stifling your growth by partnering with someone (especially a man with kids) so early in life.

I think your boyfriend is selfish. He is depriving you of essential life experiences by trying to tie you down so early. What's the rush?

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Very, very well said! I agree on the part about the 18-25 year age range- it is such a critical time of growth.. i look back on those years as something I would not trade for anything in the universe.. i had so much fun and learned so much!

And yes, the bf is very selfish... i am trying to imagine what a 34 year old man who wants a teenager is like..

It's easy to imagine.

He want's a wife who is easy to control, who is not fully developed yet, and who is more child than adult. If that weren't the case he would give her space to become an adult instead of trying to slap an engagement ring on her finger before she heads of to college where younger boys might turn her head.

The sad thing is that the OP won't understand what she's lost until it's too late.

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Originally Posted by LailaK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's easy to imagine.

He want's a wife who is easy to control, who is not fully developed yet, and who is more child than adult. If that weren't the case he would give her space to become an adult instead of trying to slap an engagement ring on her finger before she heads of to college where younger boys might turn her head.

The sad thing is that the OP won't understand what she's lost until it's too late.

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Exactly .. plus they met when she was 16, he 32. What type of 32 year old man starts a friendship of this kind with a 16 year old girl? It may all look so wonderful and flattering to a girl but is totally creepy. Experience makes you realize that.

Going against the grain here.
your life you know what you want, if it changes so be it, but then again I look at my sister who married young to someone 14 years her senior and they are still going strong. over 25 years now so...
She had been a young mum. She was engaged to him for 3 years.
Now in regards to the mum's attitude
She was going to feel bad no matter who it was.
She may feel worse because of your age.
She may also have been harbouring "he will get over it" feelings cos she may like to see him single. May not want him but not have him happy either. She may want him and now sees this as a direct threat.
Take a deep breath, be the bigger person.
Don't respond, if she attacks you directly do not engage with her. say i'm sorry you feel that way.
No court will see to take the kids if all is well.
let it roll off your back.
Do not engage in negative convrsations with your partner with the kids around NOT GOOD.
If she involves the children let partner deal with it.
tell the kids everything is fine and don't worry everyone loves you.
Keep calm, she'll get over it one way r another it will resolve.

I think its just natural motherly instinct to be quite defensive when it comes to kids. they came from her anyway so that's understandable. As for you marrying him, and I'm saying this in the best of intentions. you're still very young, you haven't got enough life experience, so why would he want you? What is there about you that he wants to marry? did he give you a textbook answer or is it something unique that would make you stand out from the other garden variety 18 yr olds?

Its a toughie for sure.

But don't let anyone tell you you are "too young" to understand.

All you can do is continue to be reasonable, and be supportive of your fiancee.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh my god. Those poor, unfortunate kids. They are getting fcuked from every direction, aren't they?

:(

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Agree^. The ex wife won't speak to you b/c she sees you as not much more than a silly child. Which you sound like you are.

I knew a guy who did this. He was a teacher, same age, and he actually married a girl about your age. She was one of his students. He was a sex pervert, btw. I think they ended up divorced. I think you have daddy issues and you think this man is the answer to them.

If you have any sense, I would strongly suggest you do some counselling before marrying this man. Just to get a sober second thought on the situation. But you won't, I bet. You are afraid what might be revealed. So, good luck. To you and the other two kids in this relationship. :P

i know you're tired of hearing this but you are really young. you dont have to get engaged, if you guys really love each other then just stay as bf/gf for a few years, see how it works out. yes you've known him before you started dating but thats different. take it slow, dont rush it.
and as for the mom, thats just natural. just imagining your husband with an 18yr old you dont know sounds like he's just with that girl for the fun. it may not be like that in your situation so im thinking you shouldnt just leave him but dont get engaged or married so soon. you're gonna change a lot in the next few years ahead of you so just take it slow. im sure you're able enough to handle this but think about your future and the kids.

he may not change but you will, no doubt. if you chose to go ahead with this you may find yourselves growing appart. then the ex will REALLY resent you and it'll really confuse and hurt the kids.

I'm not going to go on about the age difference as normally i wouldnt care....but as a mother I dont even allow my ex's new partners to have contact with my son and they are/have been much older than you are. I dont know them, i dont trust them and quite franckly, unless he was serious about marrying them then i would never allow contact (and his wife is probably<rightly so> thinking you wont last long term and is putting her children first) add into that the fact you are only 18...I would not trust any 18 year old around my child.

i think that you yourself made this a lot about the age difference, considering the name of the thread. makes us think that this is one of the problems. which it is apparently.

Wow I'm 20 and I wouldn't even date a 34 year old! your situation made worse that he has children. You are one crazy little girl!

Do you really love the guy? Are you sure you are mature enough to handle 2 kids?
You know, I can't blame the ex, they're her children, she just doesn't want her kids to be around their father's "new wife" who is like a babysitter to them.
You are really young, there are a lot of guys there who are as old as you (or maybe 1 or 2 years older); are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who is 16 years older and has 2 kids?

Unfortunately, your age is killing you. I don't think it would be as bug of a problem if you were in your late twenties, but 18?