B/f going to wedding alone

My b/f gave me 1 week notice that he would be attending a wedding. It fell on a weekend that he had his son (who isn't comfortable being around me yet) and said he would be taking him (I had noticed on his calendar weeks before his home state listed with a "?"). A few days later he said his ex-wife had decided she wanted him to take the son on vacation with her instead.

I got quiet when he told me all this. He asked if I was upset. I said I was feeling hurt... if he hadn't know for sure his son could go why hadn't he told me and said I could go if he couldn't? He then said something to the effect of wanting to go alone and said it was because he would be staying with his brother and sister-in-law who live in the area and he hasn't seen in a long time and they are very religious Jehovah's Witnesses. He said he didn't think I would feel comfortable around them.

Also, his sister lives in the area and she is going to the wedding too because she knows the parents of the kids getting married too. He got angry and said "I feel like you're trying to make me feel guilty! I thought I had my son that weekend! I didn't know until 2 days before my ex was going to want to take him on her vacation. Besides, you have plans this weekend, so it's a mute point anyway."


I don't know what to think.

damn, it seems like you complain about your bf in every post. Let him be. You two are just dating. He was invited to a wedding, not you! He doesn't have an obligation to bring you unless you two are engaged or married.

Dude just give it a rest, will ya?

Neb, you are beginning to sound more and more insecure with every thread you make.

I know you say there are good things about this relationship, but I can't think of any. Maybe it would help me and you both to understand what's going on here if you could list some.

geez girl leave his ass alone! get your own life.

two questions

How old are you?

How long have you dated your bf?

This guy isn't right for you. When are you going to get rid of him?

I am 30.. he is 45. We've been dating for 11 months.

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Originally Posted by nebulachic

I am 30.. he is 45. We've been dating for 11 months.

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My dad is 47 or 48, and he's dating a 33 year old. It's the most unhealthy relationship I've seen. Unfortunately, that was my example for the longest time. Luckily, I conquered myself.

Not saying your shit is unhealthy, because I don't know for sure... just saying that's what it seems like, especially with all these problems you've been having.

He called me 1-2 times a day but I didn't pick up so he left messages... some very long about how it was going up there. He knew I was really busy that weekend too with engagements.

He ended up staying there 2 days more at his sister's lthan he had planned. Sunday night he called around 8:00PM and left a message saying he was going to eat dinner with his sister and nephew and was exhausted from staying up very late talking with his sister the night before and would call me later if he didn't fall asleep.

He didnt' call. I called his cell around 11:30. I called 3 times within a 1/2 hour. His phone was on but he didn't pick up. I called his sister's house. His nephew answered. He said my b/f was out. I asked if he knew where he went. He said he didn't but said he should be back soon. I called my b/f's cell again. This time it went right to VM as if it had been turned off.

My b/f called about an hour later (12:30). He said he had been having a drink with a male friend and just got back to his truck and saw that I called. He said he had left his phone in his truck to charge it. We talked until 1:45. He told me all about his weekend and vice versa. Why did 3 of my calls ring thru to VM but the 4th one was as if his phone was turned off if it was just sitting in his truck being charged? I asked him about it when he got back and he said he had no idea.

We talked at his place last night. He said he realized this weekend he really misses his home state and sister and felt the people he met there really clicked. They are people he knew and worked with 20 years ago and many have since relocated there from all over the world. He indicated he wants to move up there eventually. He also spoke with a few that travel a lot and he said he wants to get into that again too. I asked him what it all meant for us and he said "I don't know. I'm just telling you how I'm feeling." (he has expressed these things to me previsouly BTW). I asked if he envisioned me with him when thinking of moving back there and he said yes.

But he expressed concerned because of where we're at and comments I've made recently and that I keep leaving social events. He said "I want to be a couple when we got to those things. I'm proud of you and want to introduce you to people but then you do that." I explained it's because I'm still stuck on his comment about after he divorces. He said "I AM divorced already as far as I'm concerned. I own the house."

I asked him straight out at one point if he wants to break it off and and he said No. He told me he loves me but he is feeling beside himself bcuz of the things I've been saying and doing the past few months. He cant' seem to understand where I'm coming from. I told him "Listen.. you're divorced now and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." "But here we are tonight! In my house... still together!" he said.

I didnt' ask him if he met someone while he was up there.. I didn't want to add fuel to the fire. He did show me pics from the trip and told me who each and every person was....

I'm still scared.

I don't think this relationship is going to work. It occurs to me that he may be embarrassed to have you around his family. I don't know if it is the age difference or your insecurity or what...

Why are you letting him make all the decisions about YOUR future? Do you not have any input about your own life and the direction it is going?

I don't know that he didn't invite me bcuz he is embarrassed by me. I think it's bcuz he was afraid I would disappear/get upset at the wedding.. and he's right.. I might have (which all goes back to me being afraid he's going to dump me after his divroce is finalized because of his comments months ago: "I don't know how I'm going to feel about this realtionship once I'm divorced and have all my freedom back."

He told me he wants me to meet his sister and she wants to meet me but he said he wants to do it at a time when there isn't so much going on so we can just chill with her at her place.

Do you have a history of just disappearing or becoming moody at festive events? You are too old for that kind of behavior.

Since I am scared he is going to dump me once he's divorced.. when we go to a social event and I think he seems interested in someone there I start to freak. I end up wanting to leave to see if he will go for that person if I am not around. I tell him "I'd like to leave. Can you get a ride home with someone else?"

Like I said it all goes back to him telling the 5th month we were dating "I don't know how I'm going to feel about us after I'm divorced" His divorce is just around the corner now.

You are too old to be letting your emotions rule your behavior.

I think he has a little problem with confusing honesty with verbal diarrhea. That comment he made so long ago about not knowing how he would feel after the divorce could easily have been kept to himself.

However, he said it. I can tell you from experience that divorce makes people unsure about all kinds of stuff and, for some reason, makes people almost desperate to communicate, to explain, to be understood. I'm sure he's much better about swallowing injudicious comments now.

Nebula, I really like you. I feel for you. I think I should tell you that your relationship is in jeopardy, not because of him, but because of YOU. Every time you have one of these confrontations and dramas, it's another ounce of poison poured in the well of your happiness.

IMO, you need to get your ass into therapy. It will help. Please feel free to PM me anytime.

We talked again last night. I was on the phone with him 5 minutes and his other phone rang. He said he thought it was his son and he'd call me back (he usually just says "hang on"). He didn't call back for 30 minutes.

When he did call me back I asked how his son was (I had a feeling it wasn't him). He acted like he didn't hear me so I asked again. He said "That wasn't (son) acutally. It was a woman from the wedding... Susan (he took a while to say her name). I showed you a picture of her." "I dont' remember." I said. "She has an extra ballgame ticket and asked if I wanted to go Sat. She metioned it when I was at the wedding.. I'm surprised she called actually."

This weekend is one we are supposed to get together if he doesn't have his son. I got very quiet. He said "I told her I didn't know because I wasn't sure if I had my son or not". I said "Did you tell her you have plans with your g/f?" "I told her I have other plans too yes."

I froze. I asked him what the hell was going on. "Does she know you even have a g/f?" "Yes I told her I was seeing someone." He said "She's a 250 pound lesbian truck driver for God's sake! She's not a threat!" "How do I know that's even the woman you'd really be going with?" "You think I'm lying to you?" "You could be" I said.

"If you had a reunion with an old friend and wanted to get together with them I wouldn't hold you back!" he said. "Well considering it's after your weekend without me and you seemed to turn your phone off late at night when I was trying to reach you.. and stay longer than you planned.. and you've been acting strange with me since you got back.. and talking about how you really clicked with people up there and talking about moving up there and not including me at all in that .. and now you are willing to give up some of your weekend with me.. don't you think I might be a little bothered? Wouldn't you????" "Well I didnt commit to it.. if you're that upset I won't go!"

He also tried to deter about getting together tonight bcuz he'd have his son. But he always sees friends Fri nights.. "He's not tonight?" I asked. "I don't know. If he does we could get toegether for a few hours but you couldn't stay over though."

WTF????

He's either cheating on you already or he's getting ready to. And from his point of view, you're driving him to it. He just got out of a relationship that didn't make him happy. Now he has you acting like Kathy Bates in Misery every time he puts one toe out of line. You're all over him like flies on shit. I'm sure he was looking forward to being away from that kind of relationship, not jump right into another marriage.

From your point of view, he's breaking your heart. You're so unhappy, and you have been for such a long time now. He won't change a thing to try to work with your needs and insecurities, and now he's become evasive and almost sneaky.

Why in the world do you think that you and your bf are compatible? Maybe you are as people, but your lives are intersecting at a perpendicular, not running parallel.

I am genuinely feeling like Nebulachic is using this forum to write a soliloquy, and I don't think she is the least bit interested in advice.

What should I do if he insists he wants to get together with her????

Deal with it. You can't tell him what to do, and if you try, he'll just lie, lie, lie.

You're pushing him so hard- why? Why are you sabotaging your relationship?

We met for dinner last night. At first I thought he was trying to blow me off.. and he may have been. I live 40 minutes from him. He said he couldn't reach his son to find out what he was doing (ie, staying at the house with friends...).. that was around 5:00. I started to feel he was going to just keep telling me he couldn't reach him util it got too late to get together.. so I started out towards his place before we confirmed anything.

We met for dinner. At one point he pulled out his camera and brought up the pic of the women in question. "Here's my date for the ballgame tomorrow." he said sarcastically. I eyed him strongly. "Can I meet her?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Probably not tomorrow though because I'm just meeting her in town.. we're not driving in together. It would be way out of her way to pick me up."

We finished dinner and at his car he said "Can you do me a big favor?" "What?" I said. "Can you please let me go to the game tomorrow. You know how much I love to play and watch baseball and it's the playoffs and last year I gave the VIP seats I got to my son so he could go with a friend. I'd really hate to miss this." "Tell you what" I said. "I'll let you go if you promise to take a picture of the 2 of you." "OK!" he said. He called her right in front of me and told her he could make it. He looked so happy and relieved.

He better remember to take the picture.. and not to say he coudln't fall in love with someone like that.. but I guess we'll just have to see.

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Originally Posted by nebulachic [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He better remember to take the picture.. and not to say he coudln't fall in love with someone like that.. but I guess we'll just have to see.

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Get a therapist.

nebulachic: what is the purpose of making him take a pic of the 2 of them? what is that going to prove?

I've read this and your past posts - it's clear you don't trust him, you're insecure, you watch him like a hawk and you analyze his every word. Seems it all started with his comment back at the 5 month mark - where he stupidly told you he didn't know how he'd feel about the relationship with you once his divorce was final. Now I admit, that kind of comment would have been unsettling to me, too...but your mistake was either not getting past that comment OR not ending things with him. By remaining with him, you're suspicious and untrusting and you're only going to totally push him away. Is what you have now, the way to live? It sounds awful to me.

I saw this on lovingyou.com It sounds like you're very insecure about this relationship. I think you should learn to trust your man, sit back and let him do what he likes to do and not what you want him to do. He has a life too. Either way i don't think it could last with you being the way you are towards him.

Um. In my opinion - he isn't doing anything wrong. You went into this relationship knowing where he was at in his life - a difficult period, obviously. Stop playing stupid little games, you're 30 not 14! Don't test him to see if he will run off with another girl, talk about insecure! Be confident in your relationship or get out of it.
You have to understand that he's going through a DIVORCE, have you ever had one of those? I haven't, but I can imagine the difficulty of it and mixed emotions. He got out of a relationship 11 months ago that clearly didn't do anyone any good and now you're acting like you've been together for years and you have some right to be telling him who he can't see. Oh my god, where is the trust? I don't think he's cheating on you, but I do think you might be pushing him away - the whole Phone thing ; well, maybe he's telling the truth about not knowing what happened, or on the other hand - you could be pestering him too much when all he wants is a little bit of time and freedom to catch up with old friends. You're getting hurt, but I have to say you're doing it to yourself! Stop reading so much into EVERYTHING.
Yes, he may very well love you, but that doesn't mean he's not contemplating other options, freedom is something that is very tempting - but that doesn't mean he WILL leave you, so stop freaking out or you probably will lose him.

P.S. That whole photo taking thing is really weird, are you lacking trust and security THAT MUCH that you need physical evidence?

you're being too clingy, you should worry more about that than other woman.

your behavior will be the demise of this relationship. sorry.