Mathias' True Confession: Full Version
Chapter 1:
It was my freshman year of college. I was new to the city, 1000 miles away from home, and having the time of my life. But, I was much more innocent that I am now.
I met this blonde. She was really cute, but she had some MAJOR emotional issues. She invited me to her dorm one night, and we watched Stigmata. Okay, cool. Keep in mind, this is the SECOND time we've ever hung out. Got it? Okay.
Then, she says she's worried about me walking back to my dorm (about a 15 minute walk), so I should stay on her couch...
Okay...
About 5 minutes (yes, just five minutes) of me trying to sleep on the couch, she says "Yeah, that's uncomfortable. Why don't I just scoot over, and you sleep here?"
Keep in mind, her roommate is trying to sleep on the top bunk.
So, then, she wants to talk. She starts talking about her lesbian experiences in high school. I'm a guy, I listen. Then, she talks about one, *and starts acting it out*. Biting my ear, finally kissing me...then eventually...going down on me. Yes, while her roommate was in the top bunk. Rates as one of the top sexual experiences of my life.
I'm thinking, "sweeeet"...like every guy on here would. But, that lasted about 3 seconds, as she whispers in my ear, "I love you so much", and cuddles up with me, falling asleep.
Oh, ****.
Chapter 2:
So, luckily, she cuddles and goes to sleep before I have to answer the "I love you" bit. I'm scared to death, but I eventually fall asleep, and I don't immediately run away.
At 4 in the morning, things take a turn. My cell phone rings, and she gets up, thinking it's hers (we had the same ringtone, back in the day of simple cell phones). She realizes it's mine...and says...
"Why is some girl named xxxx calling you at 4 AM?"
Chapter 3:
"Who knows. I'll just call her back in the morning...come back to bed," I say. She comes back, curls up with me and goes back to sleep.
Meanwhile, I realize what's just happened. Just 5 weeks after I started my long-distance relationship with my high school sweetheart, I'm in bed with some trashy blonde. What has happened to me?
I finally fall asleep...and wake up the next morning, while the blonde is getting ready. She decides that since we've spent one night together, she has no problem being completely naked around me, despite the fact, once again, that her roommate is standing right there. She says that she has to go to class, but her roommate will let me out when I'm ready to go...or she can just copy her key.
That scares the hell out of me even more, so I just say, "I'll let xxxx let me out."
Yipe.
So, as I get my stuff together to leave, her roommate says, "Matt, why are you leaving so soon?"
"Well, I have class in about an hour, so I was going to go home and take a shower before I went."
"Oh, you can take a shower here..."
"Well, I know you were about to take one, so I can just walk back...no big deal, but I appreciate it."
She says, "Who says I have to shower alone?"
Chapter 4:
Actually, contrary to the belief in here, she was NOT naked. She was still in her pajamas, but I figured I was in a bad enough situation, and actually thought with my brain for the first time in a while. I left.
On the way back, I called my long-distance girlfriend. She apologized for calling so late, and realized that I had probably slept through the call (eep!), and didn't want to call my dorm (thank you God!). She said that she had been crying herself to sleep because she missed me, and wanted to hear my voice, and see when I could come home.
Oops.
We hang up, and I go about my normal day, until I run into the blonde on campus.
"Can I see you tonight? I've missed you all day."
This, is where I don't make a good decision. I say sure, and the guilt hits me like a freight train. I make my nightly call to my girlfriend, and head on over there.
I reach her dorm at about 8:00, and she's sitting there with her parents.
"Mom, Dad...this is Matt...the great guy I was telling you about..."
Chapter 5:
So, after I pick my jaw off the floor, her parents say, "Let's all go to Applebees!"
Yippee. Sadly, I am a pretty charming guy, and her parents come away from the dinner and absolutely love me. Plus hey, I got a free dinner out of the deal, so things were good...for now.
We get back to her dorm, she says goodbye to her parents, then kisses me, saying, "You're amazing...I love you so much!"
Yipe.
Finally, the instinct to back away takes over. I say, "Don't you think we're taking this a little fast?"
She freaks out a little. "Yeah, but I can't help the way I feel!" She starts crying, and I go over to comfort her.
Of course, comforting her leads to a little more, and I end up sleeping with her.
So, this basically goes on for the next couple of weeks. I live a lie, and I have two girlfriends at the same time. I feel guilty as hell, but it's almost like an addiction...I can't stop.
Then, I'm scheduled to go to Austin. My best friend has gotten tickets to my school's game against his team, and I'm going to stay there, then go back home for a day.
My girlfriend back home is pumped. She gets to see me!
Damn. I have to do something here.
Chapter 6:
So Mathias realizes that there's a problem, and he has to go back to Texas. So, what does he do with his guilt? Yep, let's put that on the back shelf for a while.
So, things are going swimmingly for a while...almost to the point where I set into a routine. Call the girlfriend about 8-9 PM, then go over to the blonde's dorm, stay the night, repeat ad nauseum.
About a week later, I get a phone call at about 5:00. I don't recognize the number.
"She's in the shower crying, Matt."
"What?" I say.
"She's having a nervous breakdown, and she doesn't want me to call you, but I think you're the only one that can help! She's naked, sitting in the shower, bawling her eyes out. We didn't know who else to call!"
Oh, Jesus. The blonde's best friend is calling me, and now, I know I'm dealing with a nutcase. My flight leaves in 24 hours, at least.
Unfortunately, the caring side comes out. I go over there, calm her down, and stay the night one more time. The next day...I pack my bags, and get on my flight down to Texas.
Chapter 7:
So, this is going to get to the part of the story where this gets relatively serious. This is going to be very hard for me to write.
I've cried once over my 4 year relationship that ended. I've cried probably 7-8 times in my life. I'm feeling the tears well up as I'm typing.
So, in all seriousness, any words of encouragement for this would be really helpful.
I get on that flight, with all the confidence, brashness, and downright arrogance of an 18 year old who's getting away with everything. I'm flying down, back home, and going to spend time with a girl who's pining away for me, while there's another girl pining away for me where I just left. This is the life!
We get to Texas, and my best friend decides he wants to skip the game and just go back for a day and a half. I have zero problem with that, because I genuinely missed the girl.
We drive down to my hometown, where we go to our friend's house, and she's there waiting for me. She's absolutely radiant. I've never, before or since, seen a more beautiful sight in my entire life.
I'll never, ever forget the way she ran and jumped into my arms. I'll never forget that first kiss we shared in a long, long time. I'll never forget the night we spent, two young lovers, absolutely head over heels for each other.
"Life is a series of moments." That's the quote that's stuck with me for six years.
*sigh*
I know that to be absolutely true. I remember the day.
In four days, it'll be exactly 6 years...since the single greatest night...the single greatest moment...of my life.
No girl has ever looked that radiant. No girl has ever looked at me with such love...trust, and understanding. I've never loved anyone like I did that one night...that one moment in her arms. I'll remember the details of that night for the rest of my life.
We say goodbye...and she's emotional, teary-eyed, and absolutely in love. As she's crying, the guilt washes over me. What in the world have I done? I have to fix this, and as soon as I get back.
I fly back the next day, and immediately go to the blonde, and break it off. She's furious, obviously, and slams the door in my face. Thank God. That's over, I've finally fixed things...right?
*sigh*
You don't fix things. The guilt, the pain, and your own betrayal is always in the back of your mind. I become insecure. I become argumentative. I become an absolute prick, all because I can't get over the guilt from what I had done.
We actually lasted another year. We were absolutely fantastic together, when I wasn't being an asshole. Finally, I just go over the edge with insecurity and guilt one day and end it. No reason, just my own idiocy. She deserved better, anyway. Problem is, she never got over it, either.
You see, guys...you know I just got out of a four year relationship...and you think that's why I'm here.
You'd be wrong. THIS is my story. I ****ed up, and I've paid the price every day since then. I was never in love with my most recent ex-girlfriend. I pretended I was, because I'm looking for that one moment all over again...I just need to feel it one more time. *That's* what I have to get over. I don't know if I ever will.
But I'll never get over what I did to her. I pray to God she never reads this. Lord knows, I've hurt her enough.
But, I'll never get to say it otherwise.
I'm so sorry, Kel.
